Comedians From The United States

"Women need a reason to have sex while men just need a place."

"You are a charmer. You are the Jewish Cary Grant."

"How do you find what's going to make everybody have this strange reaction in their bodies, this response that's sort of chemical and physical all at once—this noise and emotion that changes how you sit? A laugh is a weird sound, and when you get a couple thousand people making it at once, it's really strange. But when I can feel proud of myself for causing it, it's great."

"When I've gotten criticism, it's that it's too long, too soft, didn't hit the government hard enough. Then when I do hit the government, they go, "What's he doing hitting the government?""

"Oprah: Is there a muscle you use for performing? Billy: Yes — my brain."

"I did Bill Cosby's "Noah." Just took the routine from him, word for word, and didn't even think it was stealing. Years later my friends started calling me up saying, "There's this guy, Bill Cosby, who's doing your stuff!""

"I fell in love with the right person, a person I know and who knows me."

"Every blossom I see reminds me of you"

"The March of Dimes"

"He and Jolson were wonderful entertainers the like of which you don't see anymore. They weren't comedians really, but funny singing entertainers of the kind I used to see and love in the English music hall. It's a shame that young performers these days aren't remotely like them."

"It takes twenty years to make an overnight success."

"I'm tossing up punchlines that were never there... I'm breaking through I'm bending spoons I'm keeping flowers in full bloom I'm looking for answers from the great beyond."

"I am not a comic, I have never told a joke...The comedian's promise is that he will go out there and make you laugh with him...My only promise is that I will try to entertain you as best I can....They say, 'Oh wow, Andy Kaufman, he's a really funny guy.' But I'm not trying to be funny. I just want to play with their heads.""

"T'ank you veddy much."

"Now, Andy did you hear about this one? Tell me, are you locked in the punch? Andy are you goofing on Elvis? Hey, baby. Are we losing touch?"

"Sorry, I had told Craig and them I'm gon' kick it with them. Gotta go! See you when I see you!"

"[On the Wizard of Oz] Lion's lookin' for some courage... Tin Man's lookin' for a heart... ain't none of them lookin' for some pussy, and they skippin' down the street WITH a fucking bitch!"

"Go head on, with yo' fat apple pie ass, Aunt Bea!"

"There better not be a black person in here that says they don't know nobody in jail... 'cause that's bullshit. Ray-Ray, Earl, Craig, Shorty Tim, Lil' Reg, all them motherfuckers in jail... Shonda's little brother... all of 'em, in jail... chillin'."

"I'd fuck you, but I don't have a change for a 5."

"They lockin' old white cookbook bitches up!"

"In the line of work that I'm in, every day is Saint Patrick's Day. So I might decide, any old three o'clock in the afternoon, it's Saint Patrick's Day today!"

"This [the Chick-fil-A same-sex marriage controversy] is the perfect American conundrum because it's like: “Ah, you know, we should be moving forward as a country, but also— I want to eat just so much trash, like a garbage monster, as much as I can.”... Now that you know this shit, don't eat that fuckin' sandwich anymore! It's that simple! You can't get it out of your mind, you know it, you know it, you'll always know it! You can't stop knowing it. And really— don't fuckin' eat Chick-fil-A! What are you doing?— it's garbage! Treat yourself better. Even if you're not going to treat other people who don't have the same rights as you better, treat yourself better than that."

"You have to eat before you drink! If you remember nothing else I've said tonight, remember to eat before you drink!"

"Facebook... is the worst thing in the world. Why are we all still on it? What are we doing? We have the power to bring it down. I have one friend whose Facebook updates are exclusively complaining about Facebook. What is going on? What is this world that we're in?"

"Life is full of disappointments. And by "disappointments" I mean "people.""

"A “trusted leader in our small business community and a relentless advocate who approaches advocacy with a resilient spirit and a smile for all” - Senator Michael Gianaris"

"Crews is one of the most sharp, charming, and heartfelt comedic storytellers working in NYC."

""That's the way it is" is unacceptable. If I'd accepted that mentality I'd never be where I am today. Expect something better. Fight for it.*"

"HAVE FUN DRINKING THE KOOL AID IN YOUR CULT."

"So it’s so nice to perform in an actual city, usually I do a lot of colleges on the road and it’s crazy. They always put these colleges in the middle of nowhere, do you notice that? They always put the colleges in the middle of nowhere and they tell these kids, “Don’t drink and don’t do drugs and don’t have sex”, and they make it so they have to, it’s like your choices are Wal-Mart or Susie and it’s like “Mmmm, well, both are always open.” Like a vagina, like a vagina."

"This country’s split right now. I think if you’re a Republican, well, you’re wrong. I’m kidding, I’m kidding, I own like four Republicans in case three break down. But I think if you’re a Republican, that’s awesome; if you’re a Democrat, that’s awesome. I just think we need to vote. We need to vote a lot. My favorite thing to vote on are the initiatives, you know the propositions, where you’ll see an argument for one side and you’ll think thats a good point, and then you’ll see the argument for the other side, and you’ll think thats a good point too, and you don’t know which way to vote. I think we need a few that it’s just obvious which way to vote, right off the bat. Like wouldn’t it be cool if it was like proposition ninety-seven: Should we continue to not eat babies. Right there you’d be like, “Hell yeah, I don’t wanna eat babies, you know, I don’t have time, they’re not delicious, and it would be eating babies and that’s weird to me,” so there’s three reasons that I come up with to voting no. But the way they phrase those things when you get to the voting booth, you don’t know which way you’re voting, cause it’s like, “Should we not eat unbabies not on this not day” and you’re just sitting there like “Fuck! I don’t wanna eat babies! You know?! I don’t have time, they’re not delicious, remember my reasons, I had like three.” So you vote no on it and then it’s on the news the next day, “Well, 74% of Americans have decided it’s time to eat babies.”"

"I hate whenever you go into a coffee shop, no matter what you order they have their own way of calling it to the back. Like you could be like, “Hi, I’ll have a tall mocha iced latte blended fun.” And then the lady’s like, “BLEEUH!, anything else?”"

"I saw Hulk Hogan the other day in a parking lot and I couldn’t tell from a distance if it was Hulk Hogan or not, and I realized I’ve never had that dilemma before. I’ve always been able to tell immediately when looking at anybody if they were or were not Hulk Hogan. AAAHHHH."

"The best part of Nintendo was the codes. We had codes that got us to the end of the game immediately. Why can’t we have that in real life? Just for once I’d like to be on a date with a chick and when she starts talking about her cats, and she’s like “And this cat likes corn, and this one has diarrhea, and this one can fight crime,” I can be like, “Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, select start, and I’m in bed with her, and no more cats.”"

"Every Sunny Delight commercial is exactly the same, three guys in the back yard, and one of them is like, “What do you got to drink in the fridge!?” Like so excited about the crappy fridge, and then they go to the fridge and its like, “Well, we’ve got some soda, some purple stuff, SUNNY D!!!” It was always there, behind Brand-X soda and some purple crap, that they couldn’t even identify. Of course you’re going to pick Sunny D, that doesn’t mean it’s a good drink you guys. If you came to my house and you’re like “What do you got to drink?!” and I’m like “Well, we’ve got some ketchup, some gravy, my grandma’s piss, SUNNY D!!!” You’d be like, “Is there any lead in your water, because I hate all four of those.” That should’ve been their slogan, “Sunny D, for when your choices are even worse than Sunny D.” Sunny D tasted a little bit like a fat clown’s asshole, didn’t it? Who came up with Sunny D and was happy? Some guy was like “I like the taste of orange juice AND baby medicine, can we combine that?” That would taste like shizzie nizzie, that’s rap for shit."

"I hate people at Halloween they don’t carve their pumpkin out, they’ll just like paint a face on it; you know what I’m talking about? But some people won’t even do that, they’ll paint a face, but it won’t even be on a pumpkin, it’ll be like on a piece of paper. But some people won’t even do that, they’ll take like a bunch of words and put that on a piece of paper, and it’ll be like an essay on Ben Franklin or some shit, you know? And then they’ll hand it in at school and it won’t even be Halloween! It’s like, pffft, nice jack-o-lantern, jackass!"

"“Yes, this is Diane calling from the hospital. I just called to tell you that your ex-girlfriend Mia was killed today. She was helping retards and one of them exploded.” And i thought that was so hysterical. and then he calls me up later and is like, “do you think this is true?” “yes, craig. exploding retards is a huge epidemic in our country.”"

"To infinity and beyond!"

"Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive."

"While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously."

"Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything."

"You're from the isle of ghosts and, as you know, there are ghosts walking around all over the place over there. Loads of people have seen them, heard a voice or felt the cold temperature. I believe that they are between here and there, that they exist between the fourth and the fifth dimension and that they visit us frequently."

"I was never into the powders or pills. I tried it all but didn't like that clenched-teeth feeling. I didn't like the "I'm a palpitating rabbit and I'm gonna solve the world's problems" feeling either. I drank some beer. I'm still here."

"I am a Spiritualist, a proud wearer of the Spiritualist badge. Mediums and psychic research have gone on for many, many years."

"You know, even when the material wasn't so good, I've gotten to work with the greats, and I've always given it my best shot. I'm satisfied with my work. I could stop tomorrow, and if Bright Young Things was my last role, I could say I tidied it up with dignity."

"Greetings and death to our enemies."

"You look at the floor and see the floor. I look at the floor and see molecules."

"...Danny Aykroyd went his own way when I became head of Lorimar Pictures in 1987. He said, "I can't understand the head of a management company also running a studio. There's something wrong about it." I told Danny it could only work in his favor, but he laughed. He's such a straight citizen. Maybe he was right. But with no paper to haggle over, the parting was friendly. And he's such a good guy that although I haven't represented him in years, every month he sends the Blues Brothers records' royalties I'm due, or a commission on an old acting job. Sometimes the check is for $17. Doesn't matter. I love that continuity and caring and respect."

"Well, the common enemy in North America is the Western consumer. The consumer has driven oil up to $50.00 a barrel so we have to have these wars. I think it's incumbent upon us to."