"[when he finally attacks the child] "No - aw, no, no, no! Aw, no! Auh, I feel so bad! But remember, guys: this is just a game…" [nerves himself, then puts the child out of his misery, to put it bluntly; palms his forehead in shame] "Nhhhh… That's awful!" [turns to find the ghost woman standing behind him again] "Jeezus! Stop that, lady!""

"Aauuh, I don't wanna kill the kid!" … "Aw, that's so sad! I'm not gonna kill him. Well, I'm not gonna kill him first, anyway."

"What is that? Is that the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the ?" [gets closer] "Oh, no. I saw that thing; it looked like a giant, white box-head."

"That scared the buhjeezus outta me!"

"Nonononono…! You don't see anything…"

""You got a stinky butt butt." Wow, thanks, that's really appreciated. I can think of a lot of logical explainations for why I got that text, like sure, maybe someone's kid got the message, but also, I know people in my life that would just text me that out of the blue, so I'm not gonna chalk it up to a kid automatically doing that."

"[when the ghost woman appears behind him] "WWWWhoa-kay, back up there, lady…""

"Good god! Don't do that to me! I'm not in a disposition to handle that - wait a minute. …Uh… Lady…? Are you… Are you that lady, but in ghost -" [Cell phone in background] "Shut up; I don't have time for this!"

"Oh my god…! That was incredibly loud!"

"…Well! Glad you're being so polite about this. You're very civil—oh my god! I didn't blo[ck]… I didn't mean to look down! Ugh! They're naked! They are sooo naked! Oh my god!"

"Little piggy no no little piggy go home!"

"'Oh my god, you stabbed her! You killed her! HELP! HE KILLED HER! HE STABBED HER WITH A KITCHEN KNIFE!' …I'm very sorry."

"That guy was, like, in full body armor! How'd they kill him?"

"[begins the game; gets startled by the enemy character flying away from him] "Okay—UH! …Well, that startled the crap outta me.""

"'Get Back And Do Your Job'. How 'bout you go fornicate yourself with a rake?"

"! ...What was that?! What the hell was that?! What did you just throw at me?! ...[I] wasn't ready for that! Jeezus! Calm down!"

"'Press Control to calm yourself'." [breathes and presses Control key] "Oh, that just crouches me. How does that calm myself?"

"[after finally pushing his first chair; pauses] "...OH, COME ON! How was I supposed to [know I had to] do that?! You son of a bitch!""

"If there was just - just - a purple monster sitting in a corner, waiting for me to walk over it, I would shit myself dry. I would absolutely lose all control of my bowels!"

"A lot of people try to boil down creation to just one thing and "what are you gonna do next" as if there's always a ladder to climb and it's like, the ladder is what you make for yourself, right?"

"Why is this good? Why bruh... this good?" [Ao Oni bursts in.] "AAGH - ! …What the hell?! How was I supposed to do anything?! What was that?!"

"[to his phone] "Shaddup!" [groaning, then laughing] "...It's my mom!""

"Oh, if that blue bastard, is just stickin' around -" [find a candle stand, which startles him] *gasp* "...That's new!"

"Oh my god, that is so morbid!"

"Now that man can fly through the air like a bird ... and swim in the sea like a fish, wouldn't it be wonderful if he could just walk the earth like a man?"

"Of course, if there's one thing more annoying to a performer than being recognized on the street, it's not being recognized."

"Something rare these days—a wit."

"The difference between reality and unreality is that reality has so little to recommend it."

"The more I traveled the more I realized that fear makes strangers of people who should be friends."

"[About George McGovern] He is a spiritually evolved political leader."

"Quite often I feel forced to write against the stereotype. As much as you would like to ignore the stereotype, saying it's totally irrelevant, actually you can't. It impinges on your life a lot, it impacts on your work, and I know that quite often I write against the stereotype and I react against the stereotype. One stereotype of Asian Americans is that we're really serious, and we never have any fun, and we have no sense of humor. When Shirley MacLaine made an early trip to China and then she came back with a documentary, one of the things she said on the documentary was that "they have no sense of humor," and "we told all these jokes and they didn't laugh." I think I might overemphasize showing how Chinese and Chinese Americans are the most raucous people: they laugh so much, they're telling jokes, and they're always standing up and performing for one another. They're so outgoing. And so in China Men and in Tripmaster Monkey I really go overboard to emphasize that part of the character. I also think that being able to laugh and to be funny-those are really important human characteristics, and when we say that people don't have those characteristics, then we deny them their humanity."

"Planning to make something big is like planning to make a Nobel Prize winner during sex. You just have to wait and see."

"What I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that God is with me. I know that. I know that He's always been with me. It is evident in everything I have endured—and the fact that I made it through with some sanity."

"Children love their mothers. Especially with a boy child and his mother, there's a bond that's unbreakable. I love my mother to this day. One of the most painful things I ever had to do was bury her, realizing that even though I was her hero, I couldn't help her with this last thing. I couldn't help her get better. All I wanted was to give her everything she wanted. Everything my father didn't give her, everything she never had."

"I have to thank Eddie Murphy, 'cause after I saw him do the Klumps [in Nutty Professor II], I said, "I'm going to try my hand at a female character." It was the brilliance of Eddie Murphy. I need to write him a check. Say thank you"

"I didn’t want to be the kind of man that my father was. So I’ve tried, my entire life, to be the complete and utter opposite of that. And it has served not only the art well, but I think the audience well."

"When you put on your shortest dress, please leave some mystery in it. That's the difference between a miniskirt and a ho-skirt. A ho-skirt shows your frisbee. A miniskirt shows just enough to cause some mystery. What these young women lack is mystery."

"My audience and the stories that I tell are African-American stories specific to a certain audience, specific to a certain group of people that I know, that I grew up, and we speak a language. Hollywood doesn't necessarily speak the language. A lot of critics don't speak that language. So, to them, it's like, 'What is this?"