"Today's top stories: The United States government brings charges against Fielding Mellish as a subversive impostor, New York garbage men are striking for a better class of garbage, and the National Rifle Association declares death a good thing."

"You cannot bash in the head of an American citizen without written permission from the State Department."

"Woody Allen - Fielding Mellish"

"Although the United States is, uh, a very rich country and San Marcos is a very poor one, there are a great many things we have to offer your country in return for aid. For instance, there, uh, there are locusts. Uh, we have more locusts than...uh, locusts of all races and creeds. These, these locusts, incidentally, are available at popular prices. And so, by the way, are most of the women of San Marcos...despite the tiny size of our nation, few people realize that we lead the world in hernias. They also fail to realize that before Columbus discovered your country, he stopped in San Marcos and contracted a disease which today can be cured with one shot of penicillin."

"Howard Cosell - Himself"

"Don Dunphy - Himself"

"Dan Frazer - Priest"

"Roger Grimsby - Himself"

"Natividad Abascal - Yolanda"

"Dorothi Fox - J. Edgar Hoover"

"Louise Lasser - Nancy"

"[to his therapist] I was, uh, I was always very shy when it came to girls. I - I remember when I was a little boy, I - I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille, and I - I used to rub the dirty parts. And I, um, I guess I had a good relationship with my parents. I - I - I - they very rarely h- I think they hit me once, actually, in my whole childhood. They, uh, started beating me on the 23rd of December, 1942 and stopped beating me in the late spring of '44. Um, I don't know, I was a nervous child. I was a bed wetter. When I was younger, I, I, uh, used to sleep with an electric blanket, and I was constantly electrocuting myself."

"Carlos Montalban - Gen. Emilio M. Vargas"

"David Ortiz - Sanchez"

"given an offer he couldn't refuse..."

"They just fucked with the wrong Mexican!"

"If you're going to hire Machete to kill the bad guy, you better make damn sure the bad guy isn't you!"

"He knows the score. He gets the women. And he kills the bad guys!"

"Yesterday He Was a Decent Man Living a Decent Life. Now He is a Brutal Savage Who Must Slaughter to Stay Alive."

"A Pissed Off Mexican Out to Settle a Score"

"Cheryl "Chin" Cunningham - Torrez' henchwoman"

"Juan Gabriel Pareja - Rico"

"Nimród Antal - Booth's bodyguard #1"

"Daryl Sabara - Julio"

"Alicia Marek - June Booth"

"Gilbert Trejo - Jorge"

"Jeff Fahey - Michael Booth"

"Cheech Marin - Padre Benicio Del Toro"

"Ara Celi - Reporter"

"Don Johnson - Von Jackson"

"Michelle Rodriguez - Luz/Shé"

"Lindsay Lohan - April Booth"

"Steven Seagal - Rogelio Torrez"

"Tom Savini - Osiris Amanpour"

"Shea Whigham - Sniper"

"Tito Larriva - Culebra Cruzado"

"Michelle Rodriguez as She"