Actors From England

"My first job was selling doors, door to door. That's a tough job isn't it? Bing Bong; Hello, can I interest you in a- oh shit you've got one already haven't you? Well never mind..."

"Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability. [seems to drift off in a daydream out of disenchantment, then comes back]"

"It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still."

"Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it. 'Beards' (track 12) 5:29"

"When I was a child, I was terrified by this. (plays theme from The Magic Roundabout ) It was very sinister, wasn't it? It just went on and on, like Dante's seventh circle of Hell. I recently found out there was a secret middle section deemed unsuitable for small children. There's about four hours of this, then it all starts to go a bit weird. (plays discordant music) (Booming echoing voice) I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion! Ch. 38, 1:24:37"

"I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair. I call them the Eggs Of Numbing Inevitability. And when I buy them, I always ask for them in the third person: "Bill Bailey would like the Eggs Of Numbing Inevitability." I did that the other day and it answered me back, and he said to me: "No, I am Bill Bailey. You are not Bill Bailey, you are just a mere doppelgänger. I am the true Bill Bailey, in another dimension." And I went, "Oh, I hadn't planned on that." Then I thought the only way to solve this, I have to run at my doppelgänger, then we will be fused forever. So I ran full-tilt at it, and just before I got there I realised it was the highly polished side of the cheese counter. Ch. 12, 21:57"

"The national [Welsh] dish, cheese on toast, that's fantastic. "That's no bother". "We're having a big ambassadorial reception." "All right, I'll get the grill on shall I? You want a bit of chutney on it?" "No, don't go mad Rhodri, it's only Fiji." I think though that it has actually hampered Wales's cultural diversity, because if you think of the other national dishes, like Ireland - Irish stew, bubbling away for hours on end, during which time poems are written, plays are written, fine linen is crafted, the whimsy is spun; Scotland, you have haggis, many many days it takes to pulverise the eyes, lips and all the toes, every [part] of the animal, the hooves, the shirt, the trousers, the abbatoir worker's laundry, everything goes in there, and it's bubbling away for days on end under the ground in the lung of a small burrowing animal, during which time electric light is invented, penicillin, a fine legal structure, those little things you lick, press down and they ping back up, 'Oh, I forgot about them, oh yeah'; England, roast beef, roasting away for days on end, during which time poor, defenceless countries around the world are brought under the relentless yoke of imperial oppression; Wales, cheese on toast, "Right...oh, it's ready. Shit." Ch. 9, 17:43"

"Arbroath; it was the scariest heckle I ever had. Arbroath, I don't know if you've ever been - very very cold throughout the year, and I was pacing up and down, primarily to keep warm really, I was freezing. And this chilling voice came from the back of the room, it just said "Stand still"... [mimes holding a rifle] Ch. 4, 08:18"

"BB: I'm actually from the West Country... [solitary cheer from audience] BB: Hypnotized, or actually? What are you doing here? Audience member: I had to come. BB: What do you mean you had to come here? What, you were on some dark purpose? Ch. 4, 07:38"

"A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?"

"Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to."

"Nostalgia: How long's that been around?"

"Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door."

"I am a confectionary-based existentialist."

"Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious! Episode 1, 1:36"

"Three blokes go into a pub. Well, I say three; could be four or five. Could be nine or ten, doesn't matter. Could have been fifteen, twenty - fifty. Round it up. Hundred. Let's go mad, eh - two-fifty. Tell you what, double it up - five hundred. Thousand! Oh, I've gone mad! Two thousand! Five thousand! (adopting auctioneer persona) Anyone? Five thousand, six thou, six thousand, ten thousand! Small town in Hertfordshire goes into a pub! Fifteen thousand blokes! Alright, let's go - population of Rotterdam. The Hague. Whole of Northern Holland. Mainland U.K. Let's go all the way to the top - Europe, alright? Whole of Europe goes - I say Europe. Could be Eurasia. Not the band, obviously, that's just two of them. Alright, continents - North America! Plus South America! Plus Antartica - that's just eight blokes in a weather station. Not a good example. Alright, make it a lot simpler, all the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? And the first bloke goes up to the bar and he says "I'll get these in." What an idiot!"

"Who photographs kebabs?"

"And just as he said that a feminist jumped out of a manhole - just jumped up and oh, and she didn't like that. That she didn't like that."

"But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!""

"I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig."

"What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp."

"This is a song inspired by the work of Phil Collins; the nasty, whining little git. Ch. 36, 1:18:46"

"BB: Are there any men in? (no response) BB: Any women? Female voices: Yes! BB: Ah, you see, there's this crisis in masculine identity at the moment. Women, totally at home with their sexuality. 'I am woman, wo-man, I, wo-MAN.' Men 'Er.. (awkward expression) Someone else'll shout out, I'll be alright'. Alright, is there any blokes in? Masculine voices: Yeah! BB: You see, there's a term that men feel more comfortable with. Bloke, blokey bloke bloke. It's a kind of friendly term. 'Oh, he's a bloke, lovely bloke, nice bloke, blokey bloke. I'm a bloke, you're a bloke, wahey!' It doesn't impose any unnecessary demands on us as men. 'Bloke', that's just basically 'carry stuff, don't get in the way'. 'Man', that's all kinds of other things, isn't it? That's nobility, gallantry, wisdom... that conjures up some image of a bloke in a cardigan with a pipe saying 'Cover up those table legs, mother, they're inflaming my sexual ardour'. Ch. 24, 53:21"

"There is one language I can't understand, because it's from another planet, another dimension - that is the language of dentists. They speak in some kind of code, it's quite disturbing and sinister. They'll talk to you perfectly normally. You'll be sitting there like that Saloth Sar!' Just to let them know I'm onto them I always freak them out right back - they look down and say 'Everything alright?' and I look up and I say (in chair, psychotic voice) 'The pheasant has no agenda'. Ch. 23, 51:53"

"At parties, sometimes, for a laugh, I introduce myself - people say 'What do you do?' and I say 'I'm Aled Jones, its all gone wrong for me. No, look, I've still got it! (drunken bawl) I'M WALKING THROUGH THE AIIIIIIR, HAAAAAAHAHAHA.' Ch. 19, 32:55"

"I'm amazed by how compliant people are in this country. They go into service stations - 'cathedrals of despair', as I call them - where baseball-capped ghouls of the night lord it over their congealed bean kingdoms, their fried-bread twilights, their neon demi-mondes, tempting you to enter to become them, undead. "Ooh, beans on toast, £18.95, very reasonable. Oh no, I'm not going to complain. They probably pump them up from London in special tubes." God, £18.95? If that was the price, for my money, each bean would have to be carried over in a heron's beak and laid on an orchid and then placed on a very rare train set and carried all the way to my table on the train set and then pinged off by a tiny little rare vole and it rolls onto a beautiful silk leaf and I eat it with a Fabergé egg. Then you'd get your money's worth. Ch. 16, 26:40"

"A lot of nonsense is spoken about morality. The world is full of people who have had affairs and most marriages, if you look at the statistics, break down, and does that make people evil? It's they've made bad decisions. It diminishes the situation to say someone is 'morally bankrupt' because they've had an affair."

"Because it doesn't happen like this, where we're having an interview and it sort of turns into a conversation--and a quite gratifying one, because it's all about me."

"If a director wants to give me a job, I sometimes ask them to screen-test me. Then they can't sort of blame me if they're not getting what they wanted later on. It's like, "You fucking hired me; you saw what you were getting.""

""You say 'ore´gano', we say 'orega´no'. You say 'tom a to' we say 'toma´to'. You say '[]erb' and we say herb because there's a fucking h at the beginning."

"I haven't been like, "Is there a sword in that movie? All right, I'll do it!""

"Fat men get knocked over by buses no earlier, nor later, than thin men. And I, for one, have buried most of my thin friends."

"Anyone who works is a fool. I don't work; I merely inflict myself upon the public."

"The British tourist is always happy abroad as long as the natives are waiters."

"It seems that a lot of people, who haven’t known of me as a pianist, think I’ve just started off as a comedian. And so for them the piano was something extra. But, of course, playing the piano was something that came before all of what’s happened now."

"Maybe the memory does play tricks. Increasingly, I'm thinking, 'What was their name? I knew that name yesterday.' I think that's what happens. At some point, I'll forget that I ever worked with Peter Cook, I suppose, and Alan Bennett and Jonathan Miller."

"American Beer is a lot like making love in a canoe - it's fucking close to water."

"Always look on the bright side of life."

"I think basically what we were doing was laughing at the authoritarian figures we grew up under. ...you know it’s nonsense, this assumed authority that's been given to you by teachers, by military figures, by police, by judges, and it's all pretending, "we know what's going on on this planet" and it's all bullshit. And I think that Python was quite good at getting rid of those inhibitions, and I think it's why it's still appealing to the young."

"I got used to dealing with groups of boys and getting on with life in unpleasant circumstances and being smart and funny and subversive at the expense of authority."

"Basically, the Germans came to us and said, "We don't have a sense of humour.""

"Typical Hollywood crowd - all the kids are on drugs, and all the adults are on roller skates."

"The idea of retiring is like killing yourself. It's almost like Hari Kari. I intend to live to a 100 and go down in history."

"It was his unique syncopated playing style that defined rhythm guitar in rock 'n' roll."

"I know there is a cure for whatever bioterrorism they throw at us, I know there's one. And it lies within Keith Richards, I do know that. He is the only man on the planet that could go (imitates Keith snorting something) "Anthrax? All right! Doesn't go with my E. coli, but fuck." Keith is the only man who makes The Osbournes look fucking Amish. He's insane. I've seen Keith go to a drug dealer and the drug dealer's goin', "I'm out, man, I'm sorry. I have nothing left!" Supposedly, he goes to Switzerland and changes his blood. Not like one pint, but like a fucking Chevrolet, all of it. I just wanna know, who gets his blood? Some old Swiss man's going, "HEIDI!! We've gotta go on tour, you bitch! We've gotta pay for Mick's babies! COME ON!!!" Because I know this. I know that we may all be dead and gone, Keith will still be there with 5 cockroaches. Keith will go, "Ya know, I smoked your uncle! Did ya know that? Fucking crazy!""

"I was reading an interview with Keith Richards in a magazine and in the interview Keith Richards intimated that kids should not do drugs. Keith Richards! Says that kids should not do drugs! Keith, we can't do any more drugs because you already fucking did them all, alright! There's none left! We have to wait 'till you die and smoke your ashes! Jesus Christ! Talk about the pot and the fuckin' kettle."

"Keith Richards is shooting heroin into his eyeballs and still touring all right! I'm getting mixed signals! I picture nuclear war and two things surviving: Keith and cockroaches! (does Keith Richards impression) "Where did everybody go-o? I saw a bright light and thought we were on ...""

"...how come Keith Richards still walks? Explain that Mr. Surgeon General! You never mention Keith do you? Aah, a little hole in the theory there! Surgeon General says, "Drugs are bad, drugs are evil!...except for that guy, they work real good for him, -but the rest of you..."

"New Rule: Airplane black boxes must now be made out of Keith Richards. The man, who has taken more drugs than Whitney Houston, Rush Limbaugh and Robert Downey, Jr., combined, recently fell out of a tree, and then crashed a jet ski. And yet, somehow, that cigarette never fell out of his mouth. What is this guy still running on? I've got to know. Because I'm beginning to think the future of medicine isn't injecting stem cells, it's injecting heroin."

"Rap — so many words, so little said. What rap did that was impressive was to show there are so many tone-deaf people out there. All they need is a drum beat and somebody yelling over it and they're happy. There’s an enormous market for people who can't tell one note from another."