"When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping."

"(from Carlosaurus Rex) Whether you're black or white, Uzbeki or Jew...you're probably an asshole too."

"(pulling on the fat on his chin) That's Chunky Monkey ice cream!!!"

"(on Easter) By the way, what do eggs have to do with Jesus Christ?"

"If you don't believe that God has a sense of humor, tomorrow go to Walmart and just LOOK AT PEOPLE!"

"Dee Dee Dee!"

"Snoop Dogg: I'm the real ************* Snoop Do Double G! Who is this fat, red jumpsuited -- Larry: Why don't you just shut up, Andy? No one wants to hear what you want to say. Snoop Dogg: What'd you call me? (smacks Larry in the face) Henry: Dammit, im bored. Andy: (laughing) You smacked him! Snoop Dogg: Yeah, I did smack him. You get one too! (smacks Andy in the face)"

"(bearded man quacks to Andy and cashier) Duck: Shut the **** up!!! Bearded Man: I just wanted to fit in!"

"Larry: Peas on my head, but don't call me peahead. Peas on my head, but don't call me peahead. Peas on my head, but don't call me peahead. Dinosaur: Shut the **** up!!!!! Larry: Aah! (runs away)"

"Andy: I have no soul. Man: I don't have one either."

"Andy (typing into a typewriter): And zoom, the panda ate the sheriff's brain with a pair of chopsticks. And he was crowned the most beautiful animal in the whole room. The end."

"Ralphie: The green thing and the hot lady is right, we're being rude! Andy: Peanutbutta slap!"

"aaliyahs end song"

"The caption of Andy's submarine sangwhich: Arg! I am the submarine caption! [to the first mate] Fire the torpedo, and take down the being! First mate: Eye caption, eye caption! (A torpedo hits Andy in the eye.)"

"Man: What the hell you looking at?"

"Andy: ****!(crying)"

"Charlie Murphy"

"Paul Mooney"

"Yoshio Mita"

"William Bogert"

"Sophina Brown"

"Anthony Berry"

"Neal Brennan"

"Dave Chappelle"

"Drake Hill"

"Brian Dykstra"

"Amanda Rowan"

"Drago Ruschinsky"

"Guillermo Díaz"

"Allen Levy"

"Max Herman"

"Donnell Rawlings"

"Nick Wyman"

"Randy Pearlstein"