""What John and Scott don't understand is that when you cover the human eye... like this... seeing becomes virtually impossible. And walking? Well, that's literally impossible." (Rob Huebel as Dr. Sanjay Gupta)"

""You know, you can't get pregnant on the moon." (Rob Huebel as Cliff Tarpey)"

""There's something you left off your resume.. Why don't you call us back.. when you're not Asian!" (Aziz Ansari as Bill)"

""What the shit, man!" (Aziz Ansari)"

""We are now the Weenie Kings." (Paul Scheer as Zerg, a character based on General Zod)"

""...for a MIND EXPLOSION!!!" (Paul Scheer as Scott Devil)"

""You thought it was gonna be tastefully done? Well guess what? It tastefully didn't earn me no money!" (Bobby J)"

""I've been arrested four times! One of those times was bullshit!" (Paul Scheer as G-Force)"

""I'm going to be all over this guy, just like the melted cheddar cheese all over this mesquite chicken with bacon sandwich" (Aziz Ansari as Cannonball)"

""Federal penal system, you just got swindled' (Aziz Ansari as Jimmy Norville)"

""Why would you say such things when you know I will kill you?" (Paul Scheer as Zerg)"

""I HAVE DESTROYED HIM!!!" (Aziz Ansari as Udon)"

""Tickle's right hand man is former Ultimate Fighting champion and convicted child arsonist, Hambone." (Rob Huebel as T.C. Everwood)"

""If bands had cocks, this bands cock would be fucking huge!" (Aziz Ansari as Clell Tickle)"

""Everybody shut up! Shut up! I'm gonna do that thing where you tuck your penis in so it looks like a vagina! 'Oh look at me I'm a pretty girl! I'm a pretty girl! Oh touch my nipples cause I'm so pretty!'" (Paul Scheer as Randy Wattson)"

""Nobody can defeat my light saber!" (Paul Scheer as Randy Wattson)"

""Think you got what it takes? Well, take a shit on Mt. Rushmore and call me Jefferson, buddy" (Aziz Ansari as Suryat)"

""People say, 'Clell, Clell! You got blood on your hands!' Yeah, well I got gold records on my wall...And I got blood on my hands." (Aziz Ansari as Clell Tickle)"

""I don't want you out there on the bully plane calling me up, saying 'hey, I gotta pull up my marshmallow pants and hit the boohoo button, 'cause I don't know where the cranberries are.' You know what I mean?" (Aziz Ansari as Suryat)"

""You shut up when I'm eating. YOU SHUT UP!!!" (Rob Huebel)"

""My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born" (Aziz Ansari)"

""I've decided that if you don't post that Tapes 'n Tapes mp3, I'm going to come back here tomorrow and give you a Colombian necktie." (Aziz Ansari as Clell Tickle)"

""When you go home after this show I want you to blog about this band; I want you to post pictures. 'Cause if you don't, I'll fucking come to your house man and I'll kill your dog. And if you don't have a dog, I'll hurt the weakest member of your family!" (Aziz Ansari as Clell Tickle)"

""Clell Tickle ripped my beard off! This isn't even a real beard, man! This thing's fake!" (Devendra Banhart)"

""Fiddling knobs, touching keys, having fun with a full grown man" (Aziz Ansari)"

""Prepare your mind... (Aziz Ansari as John Satan)"

""Thanks for the coffee you piece of shit! You just got swindled!" (Aziz Ansari as Jimmy Norville)"

""I'm Suryat, are your balls bigger than mine? No, of course not, I'm Suryat, my balls are huge!" (Aziz Ansari as Suryat)"