"Shep Proudfoot: [beating Carl violently] Fucking little fucking weasel! Fuck you! You fucking motherfucking son of a fucking bitching fucking cunt! Jesus fucking Christ you fucking shitfuckbag motherfucker!"

"Mike Yanagita: Ya know, it's the Radisson, so it's pretty good."

"Wade Gustafson: Look, Jerry, you're not selling me a damn car. It's my show here."

"Wade Gustafson: It's my money. I'll deliver it - what do they care?...They want my money, they can deal with me."

"Gaear Grimsrud: You're a smooth, smoothie, yah know?"

"Stay away from me, man! Hey, go smoke a fuckin' peace pipe!"

"Shep! What the hell are you doing! I was bangin' that girl!"

"Just in town on business. Just in and out. Ha. Just a little of the old in-and-out."

"Keep it still back there, lady, or else we're gonna have to, ya know, to shoot ya."

"Would you crack the fuckin' window open, man. You know, it's proven that second-hand smoke is, uh, carcin-... uh, you know, a cancer agent."

"I answered the darn - I'm cooperating here!"

"[Practices calling Wade] Yah, Wade, It's Jerry, I... Yah, Wade, it's, I, it's Jerry... I don't know what to do it's Jean. I don't know what to do it's my wife. I don't know what to do it's Jean. Wade, it's Jerry, I... Wade, it's Jerry! We gotta talk! Oh, geez, it's terrible... [calls the number] Yah, Wade Gustafson, please."

"So that was Mrs. Lundegaard on the floor in there. And I guess that was your accomplice in the wood chipper. And those three people in Brainerd. And for what? For a little bit of money. There's more to life than a little money, you know. Don't you know that? And here ya are, and it's a beautiful day. Well, I just don't understand it."

"[repeated line] Mind if I sit down? I'm carrying quite a load here."

"[after her husband, Norm, kisses her] Ya got Arby's all over me."

"[on the phone] Oh my. Where? Yeah? Aw geez. Okay, there in a jif. Real good, then."

"Hank Azaria - Agent Steve Lardner"

"Jeremy Piven - Paul Spericki"

"Minnie Driver - Debi Newberry"

"Dan Aykroyd - Mr. Grocer"

"Joan Cusack - Marcella"

"Alan Arkin - Dr. Oatman"

"John Cusack - Martin Blank"

"Paul Spericki: Wow. Just looking for a little validation for my life but apparently came up SHORT!"

"Bob Destepello: You wanna do some blow?"

"Ultimart Clerk: [after the convenience store blows up] No, I'm NOT all right! I'm hurt, I'm pissed... I gotta find a new job!"

"Agent Steve Lardner: You want to kill the good guy but not be the bad guy. It doesn't work like that. You've got to wait until the bad guy kills the good guy. Then when you kill the bad guy, you're the good guy."

"Paul Spericki: I'll see you at the "I've-Peaked-and-I'm-Kidding-Myself" party."

"Marcella: Sir, it's out of my hands. The gods want you to go back home, and they want you to delete someone while you're there."

"Like I'm gonna put a bullet hole in your FUCKIN' forehead and I'm gonna FUCK the brain hole!"

"Uh-oh! Smells like a wedding! You're breaking my heart down here, Blank! I can't aim through the tears!"