"[to Bobby and Jeff, regarding the name BJ Landscaping] BJ? [laughs] Well, I think "JB" has a nicer ring to it. Besides, you don't want anyone goin' around calling ya "Blow Job Landscaping" - Do ya?"

"[singing] I'm a Wheel Watcher! I'm a Wheel Watcher!"

"I was a battered husband."

"Don't kiss the dogs ass!"

"Some shame bout that Mona Dearly. I mean, so young."

"Paul Schulze - Deputy Jimmy D."

"Paul Ben-Victor - Deputy Tony Carlucci"

"Will Ferrell - Cubby the Funeral Director"

"Tracey Walter - Clarence"

"Kathleen Wilhoite - Lucinda"

"Peter Dobson - Lt. Feege Gruber"

"Marcus Thomas - Jeff Dearly"

"William Fichtner - Phil Dearly"

"Casey Affleck - Bobby Calzone"

"Jamie Lee Curtis - Rona Mace"

"Neve Campbell - Ellen Rash"

"Bette Midler - Mona Dearly"

"Danny DeVito - Chief Wyatt Rash"

"Who wanted to see Mona Dearly dead? Take a number."

"John Capodice - Aguado"

"Mark Margolis - Mr. Shickadance"

"Troy Evans - Roger Podacter"

"Noble Willingham - Riddle"

"Dan Marino - Himself"

"Tone Loc - Emilio"

"Sean Young - Lt. Lois Einhorn / Ray Finkle"

"Courteney Cox - Melissa Robinson"

"Jim Carrey - Ace Ventura"

"[trying to figure out the connection between Lt. Einhorn and Ray Finkle, but sees his pet dog sitting on the Finkle photograph, and deduces something by the dog's hair making it look as if Finkle has woman's hair.] What the...that's it. That's it. Einhorn is Finkle. Finkle is Einhorn! Einhorn is a MAN! [remembering Einhorn had kissed him] OH MY GOD! EINHORN IS A MAN?! [goes to vomit in the bathroom] It wasn't a gun! It wasn't a gun!"

"[finding a pet shark where he expected a dolphin] Not Snowflake! Not Snowflake!"

"[imitating 'Star Trek'] Captain's log, stardate 23.9, rounded off to the... nearest decimal point. We've... traveled back in time to save an ancient species from... total annihilation. So far... no... signs of aquatic life, but I'm going to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I'm going to find it. I've... GOT TO, MISTER!"

"Kelly Preston as Ann Beam"

"Giancarlo Esposito as Charlie Dunt"

"John C. McGinley as Davis "Rig" Lanlow"

"Tim Robbins as Nick Beam"

"Martin Lawrence as Terrance Paul Davidson"

"Alright man, you win, is that what you want to hear you win. (Nick starts slapping himself) What the fuck? Hey man, you ain't one of them desert slashers, are you? Cut a person's body up and leave it out in the desert in little tiny pieces and shit, huh? Oh, shit! We are in the fuckin' desert! I'm in the car with a psycho freaky Jason hack-killer motherfucker! Please don't kill me, freaky Jason. I said, please don't kill me, freaky Jason! (Nick just looks at him) I done fucked around and caught a ride with the wrong white boy!"

"Rebecca Gayheart as Danielle"

"Michael McKean as Phillip "P.B." Barrow"

"Brad Pitt – Mickey O'Neil"

"Alan Ford – Brick Top Polford"

"Stephen Graham – Tommy"

"Jason Statham – Turkish"

"Stealing stones is hazardous."

"Now you see it, now you don't!"