"Oh my god, baby. I wish you were here with me right now. I got Dave's jeep and I'm driving on the PCH. And the sun is about to set. It is fucking unbelievable."

"You know I haven't encountered a single mosquito since I've been here? It's like a no-mosquito-zone. They're outlawed or something."

"Dave told me this awesome thing about L.A. No, listen. He says the whole town is like this blank canvas, and whatever you bring to it, that's what it is. It's just this random collection of neighborhoods where it's always sunny and it basically reflects wherever you're at back at you. So if you're happy, L.A. is great. If you're not, L.A. sucks. But it has nothing to do with Los Angeles. Because, get this, there's no such thing!"

"You're my man. You're my big, funny, floppy-haired man."

"I knew he'd bail. Dave was always way too much of a wimp to stay here forever."

"If you don't feed me, soon, I'm gonna eat your face."

"What good is paying out the nose to live here if we never take advantage of it? We might as well live somewhere else and just, visit every once and a while and actually do things. Y'know? Like hit the Met. Take in a Broadway show. Carnegie Deli. Wow, that's a really big sandwich. I don't know if I can eat all that."

"I'm afraid my brain is going to melt. I'm afraid we will never walk anywhere ever again. I'm afraid... We won't care about things anymore, except opening weekend grosses and pilates classes."

"Okay. I promise this won't take long. It's actually just an excuse to get drunk with the people I love. So, as a little extra dash of fun, whenever anyone says, oh, I don't know, follicle, we can all drink. Follicle!"

"I'm also, in addition to being super drunk, hairless. And unlike some of the hot gay men here, I do not wax."

"Sorry I don't have a television. What's your thing? What do you like? You like art, huh? To draw? Really? Here. Draw yourself a television."

"Tuck, tuck, don't forget to tuck!"

"We're not really cousins. Parents, best friends..."

"And you thought, I know what kids love: alopecia awareness parties."

"You know this is my job, don't you? I have to sit here and write things. It's... It's not easy with you staring at me."

"Did you know that my three most financially successful years in New York City were when I was dealing pot?"

"It was great meeting you. Uhm. I'll come back here and, y'know, drink the alcohol. At some point."

"Dude, it's a party. You can have like ten cookies. Go crazy."

"Listen. They're gonna deal with you. Get you back home. Or whatever. If they uh, ask any questions, uhm. Just tell 'em you've been walking around or something, y'know? Don't, don't mention my name. I don't wanna get in any trouble. It was nice meeting you."

"Don't look at me like that. You fucked-- You screwed up a very important meeting for me back there. I think I've been more than accommodating."

"What I'm missing, I think, is a great subject. Like, like the novel. That which is new, y'know? I mean, where's my... What do I draw upon?"

"Fuck! ...Don't swear."

"Can we stop running? I'm almost thirty."

"I mean, my great shame as a writer is that I'm just this suburban kid with good parents. Y'know? I was fed, clothed, carpooled. Hardly Dickensian, y'know what I'm saying?"

"So look. You're obviously having some family issues. But whatever. It's childhood. It ends."

"I just wanna feel like the crap I put myself through is... I don't know. I'm just tired."

"Spencer Tracy - Adam Bonner"

"Katharine Hepburn - Amanda Bonner"

"Judy Holliday - Doris Attinger"

"Tom Ewell - Warren Francis Attinger"

"Madge Blake - Mrs. Bonner, Adam's Mother"

"Oh, I fear success. Why do I fear success?"

"I went out last night trying to fuck up my life and it worked."

"I gotta leave you here, dude, I don't know what else to do with you."

"It's The Hilarious Answer To Who Wears The Pants!"

"David Wayne - Kip Lurie"

"Jean Hagen - Beryl Caighn"

"You'll split your sides laughing!"

"No part of marriage is the exclusive province of any one sex."

"[to Amanda] No matter what you think you think, you think the same as I think."

"Hope Emerson - Olympia La Pere"