"On the possibility of meeting Warwick Davis- The first time I see him, I'd be a little like, what should I say, what shouldn't I say? Whereas once you get to know him I'm sure he'd be a lovely little fella."

"(On fun-sized chocolates) I don't know why they're called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off"

"I've met a few little people in my time. I met a little fella once and he was alright. He got drunk really quick, err, but he was alright. But it took me by surprise -like I've said about when I met Steve for the first time, it's only that same thing, then if we lived together I'm sure we'd get on a storm"

"You won't get anything done by planning."

"Any problem solved is a new problem made."

"On seeing an ultrasound picture- It was an awkward situation because she was happy with it. I was like 'Oh God'. It was an odd looking thing. I couldn't say 'Oh, it looks like you' because that would be a diss."

"If you had 5 photos of anuses, I could not point mine out"

"I don't cry. Water doesn't leave my head. I've got loads of gob. That's how water leaves me, it's not out of my eyes."

"That impresses me more, inventin' electricity[Talking about Benjamin Franklin]"

"It’s just hassle of having friends and family an’ that."

"Yeah but everyone was a saint years ago, that seemed to be thrown about back then. Who's a saint now, in this year, who's a saint? And yet this guy, lived in a hut in the woods, 'oh yeah that's Saint John or whatever.' He wasn't a saint, he did nothin [Karl arguing with Steve and Ricky about Russian artifacts containing a portrait of a Russian Saint]"

"This isn't Amazon where you can go "I'm not happy with the product" and pop it back in the post. Thats it, you've got it"

"The world is getting more and more scruffier, innit?"

"Apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back."

"It's no good operating on eyes if your eyes are asleep"

"What's that plate that's above a saucer but below a plate?"

"They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?"

"You can be an ugly baby and everyone goes awww innit nice? There was some women in a cafe the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about oh the baby's lovely. They said it's got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But I thought I dont know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I dont know what kept me from sayin' it."

"Karl's Diary - Read about a pub which is gettin' some stick 'cause its stopped a horse goin' in. Its been the horse' regular for ages, but some new owners have taken over the pub and they said they're servin' fresh food and don't want a horse in there anymore"

"Just been into the zoo, 'avin a look round an that. Went into the, er, into the aquarium. Mental, the amount of fish that are knockin' about"

"But hummus. When did that happen?...but there's a restaurant down the road that that's all they do. That is isn't a proper meal, that's a side-order innit? That's like having a restaurant just floggin' tomato ketchup. Hummus isn't a meal. They don't even try and kid ya to get you in to flog you just hummus, they actually say Oh it's hummus today. Not gonna work, they shut down within a month."

"Where you are is what you eat. When I'm in London I'll have beans on toast for lunch. On holiday — what? Tapas? Go on then I'll have a bit. You eat whatevers in that area."

"Hypothetical: Shipwrecked and eating a penis- ...I'll look for something else. We're surrounded by water. Why are we eating knob?"

"Treat the world like a head"

"We're just a weed in the universe"

"The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone, ‘Oh, God. Look at me hair today.’"

"I could eat a knob at night."

"That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it; December 25th"

"My auntie Nora right, all her food is mashed. She's got teeth but she don't need 'em [Karl on how his auntie blends her food and never uses her teeth]"

"The first time you watch it you'll probably cry a bit. The second time you watch it you will probably think - boy that would be bad having a head like that being picked on - the third time you are probably thinking, er, how does he get his jumper on, er, then dunno probably bored of it the fourth time. But, but it's well worth watching."

"Whether it's a potato or a nut, it's a foodage!"

"Whats good with a holiday right.. say if you work in a factory from 8 in the morning till 8 at night, packin socks into a rubber bag right.. between 8 and.. what time did i say he finishes?"

"It was good to know that if everything did go tits up, there's someone else in the world who would put up with me"

"It's just easier to put stuff off once we've got this calendar, whereas if we didnt have a date you'd have to do everythin' straight away"

"Say if I was in charge and someone said that buildin' needs knockin' down, it's dangerous, if we didn't have a calendar we'd go 'erm let's do it now then.' Whereas cos we've got a calendar it's easy to say...'next Wednesday'"

"Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good."

"What do dogs do? Sniff each other's arse. They don't knock about going "Let's try a chatup line.""

"(On Ricky asking him to do a diary next year)No I wouldn't, you know, cos you do the same stuff ever year don't ya? It's set up the same way: January, February it's the same thing, it's the same routine"

"Karl: I came up with a good idea....see through skin"

"It's not going to change the world. But neither did the egg-cup."

"I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff."

"I think it's clever how Rome have kept a load of old stuff. There's no overheads, yet people are going over there to see it."

"I wouldn't put a date on that pancake day anyway, just av 'em when you want, have it when you want. There's no big deal. You've got to make 'em yourself, it's not like some place is openin' to do it. Have em when you want. I don't know why that's got a special day on it,sick-of-it"

"Get married, get on with it, email us the pictures, we're happy to have a look."

"Just pop it on your wrist. - Ricky asks Karl how his 'invention' of a watch that counts down your life would actually work."

"If you don't sleep you get run down. Sloths never get a flu, cos its good innit thats when your body's replemishing"