"(after Jay tells Jeremy that he's going to marry Valerie Fox): Bubbe, never marry an actress. And never do blackface at the NAACP Image awards. Two things I've learned from experience."

"I was in a student film once. Well, it wasn't a student film actually, although it had several women dressed as cheerleaders. I played Professor Spankum."

"It's just a gun for God's sake, not a bloody Xerox machine!"

"Sorry. I hate not being friendly, but this is New York."

"(Jay introduces Alice to Duke Phillips) It's nice to meet you, sir. I'll never forget the speech you gave at my high school graduation: "I just drank two bottles of tequila. My wife doesn't know I'm here. Any of you girls over 18?""

"Honey, we have a saying back in Tennessee: "Be a mensch, not a schmendrick.""

"Oh Jay, you're the sweetest man who ever called me a super freak."

"Listen, honey, I've known men like Duke all my life. There was this one boy back in college – dealt drugs, went to jail – yet today he's the star of Home Improvement."

"I think you should know a little about my sister before she gets here. Let's just say she's like Satan with a boob job."

"Funny man!"

"(To Jay in a maternity dress) Are you gonna have puppies?"

"(Praying at her bed) God bless Daddy, and Uncle Bisquick, and please give Momma the butt-lift Aunt Randa says she needs so desperately."

"Oh! It time for Humphrey the Hippo!"

"I don’t know why I ever married you. (zoom out to reveal they're at their own wedding)"

"The judge said every time you talk to me, it costs you a hundred dollars."

"You’re just as bad a father as you were a lover."

"We raised a great kid."

"(On the phone) Jay, this is your ex-wife. Your alimony check is eighteen minutes late. Nope, nineteen minutes. That's it, I'm calling my lawyer!"

"No pressure Marty, but the Pope and Nelson Mandela are in the audience, and they came to party!"

"(After Bill Clinton falls through a floor) I’m sure we all appreciate President Clinton’s ground-breaking message!"

"Attention students: Auditions for Peter Pan are being (Helium voice) held in the auditorium! (Normal voice) Stupid helium!"

"I am sorry, Martin. You are not fit. From now on, you must go to remedial gym. (Opens door and moaning noises are heard) Oh wait, that’s remedial choir."

"(Singing) Ho Ho Ho, stick out your toe! Hee Hee Hee, stick out your knee!"

"Please kids, my philosophy is "love and dance," not "hate and not dance.""

"Today, Humphrey's gonna teach you all what happens when you get a lung removed: You get ice cream!"

"Tobacco Company Executive: But Mr. Sherman, think of the children. If they don't have cigarettes, what'll they do after they have sex?"

"Priest: I said questions, not wishes! I'm a priest not a genie!"

"Jay's "inner child": (On the phone) Jay, this is your inner child. I escaped and I just robbed a liquor store. Gotta go!"

"Cuban TV Announcer: We'll be back after this word from toilet paper, now in "rough" and "not-so-rough.""

"Adolph Hitmaker: If you want the world to love you, you must be big and jolly like Santa Claus, or Rush Limbaugh."

"Chicken Shack employee: You want a piece of me, fat boy? I'll spork your ass!"

"Dressmaker: Oopsie, I swallowed a pin. That's gonna be a fun little journey."

"From A Little Deb Will Do Ya"

"Bribed Movie Critic: This movie is so good, it makes Hud look like C.H.U.D., and I loved C.H.U.D."

"Satoshi, the Eater of Souls: Cookie Puss, I will eat your soul."

"Gene Shalit: (On the phone with Jay) Hi, this is Gene Shalit. I'm having a bad hair day. If you don't believe me, look out the window."

"Orson Welles: Rosebud ... Yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness... wait, that's terrible, I quit! Just a handful for the road. (Scoops up a handful of peas and starts popping them in his mouth. Is now off-screen) Oh, what luck! There's a french fry stuck in my beard! (Makes eating sounds) Oh yeah."

"Orson Welles: A rich full-bodied wine sensibly priced at a dollar a jug. And for a little magic, I will make this jug disappear. (Drinks)"

"Keanu Reeves: (In The Merchant of Venice) Hath not a dude eyes? If you prick us, do we not get bummed? If we eat bad guacamole, do we not blow chunks?"

"Adam West: Well Jay, one of my most amazing films is The Happy Hooker Goes To Hollywood. It came out in 1980, it's one I'm sure you enjoyed all the way to the end."

"Al Pacino: (On the phone) Hoo-ha! Jay, it's Al Pacino. Hoo-ha! I can't stop saying Hoo-ha! Keep that in mind when you review my next film, The Godfather Part Hoo-ha! Hoo-ha."