"Suzanne used to say that you're not really anybody in America unless you're on TV...'cause what's the point of doing anything worthwhile if there's nobody watching? So when people are watching, it makes you a better person. So if everybody was on TV all the time, everybody would be better people. But, if everybody was on TV all the time, there wouldn't be anybody left to watch, and that's where I get confused."

"I'll be here every day for life, plus 30 years, if I live that long."

"But it's really something when you think that... I'm the one who's gonna be famous. Suzanne would die if she knew."

"[being interviewed about Suzanne] First impressions in one word? You really want to know? Four letters, begins with "C." [beat] Cold. C-O-L-D. Cold."

"Any time it rains, or when there's thunder and lightning, or when it snows, I have to jack off."

"Matt Dillon - Larry Maretto"

"It's nice to live in a country where life, liberty...and all the rest of it still stand for something."

"The point is that, for instance, Connie Chung, who is married, I believe, to Maury Povich, the well-known interviewer, doesn't say: Hello, this is Connie Povich with the news. Now, does she? And I don't think she would be embarrassed by it because she's already pretty ethnic when you think about it. Or to take another example, someone who doesn't have an ethnic bone in her body. There's Jane Pauley, who I strongly relate to because, you know, we have similar physical traits. Although I don't have to struggle with the weight problem like she does. And she also, to the best of my knowledge, has never identified herself, audience-wise, as Jane Trudeau even though her husband, Mr. Trudeau, is a prominent cartoonist of some kind, and not, as so many people believe, the ex-president of Canada. So, what I'm saying is this: There are some people who never know who they are or who they wanna be until it's too late. And that is a real tragedy in my book, because I always knew who I was and who I wanted to be. Always."

"You know Mr. Gorbachev, the guy that ran Russia for so long? I am a firm believer that he would still be in power today if he had had that ugly purple thing taken off his head."

"I believe that in our fast-moving computer age it is the medium of television that joins together the global community, and it is the television journalist who serves as messenger bringing the world into our homes and our homes into the world. It has always been my dream to become such a messenger. I look to you, gentlemen, now to make that dream a reality."

"You're not anybody in America unless you're on TV. On TV is where we learn about who we really are. Because what's the point of doing anything worthwhile if nobody's watching? And if people are watching, it makes you a better person."

"[to Lydia about Russell and Jimmy] It's their word against mine. Who are they? Bunch of 16-year-old losers who grew up in trailers whose parents sit around drinking and screwing their cousins! [laughs] I'm a professional person, for Christ's sake. I come from a good home. Who do you think a jury would believe?"

"Alison Folland - Lydia Mertz"

"Illeana Douglas - Janice Maretto"

"[narrating] Here's what I found out. That all of life is a learning experience. Everything is part of a big master plan. But sometimes... Well, it's hard to read. I mean, it's like if you get too close to the screen, all you can see is a bunch of little dots. You don't see the big picture until you stand back. But when you do, everything comes into focus. [speaking] Hi. My name is Suzanne Maretto. No, wait. I'm sorry. Suzanne Maretto is my married name. My own name... is Suzanne Stone. That's my professional name. Suzanne Stone. It's not like I have any negative feelings about the name Maretto. [flashback to wedding] Maretto is the name, after all, of my husband [cut to corpse which lies staring blankly]…who I loved very, very much. [sniffles] Um. Heh. Sorry. [smiles] Sorry. It's also the name of his parents, Joe and Angela Maretto... and of his lovely and talented sister, Janice Maretto... who have been like a second family to me... and who I regard as I do my own family... particularly since my recent tragedy. I knew just through knowing and being related to them. They have given me what I think is a very precious and valuable insight... into the different kinds of ethnic relationships... that are part of the very things that I've been trying to explore... as a member of the professional media."

"[On the phone] Yeah, give me hotel security. Yeah, I'd like to report a leprechaun in your hotel. No, a LEPRECHAUN. Yeah, little green guy. HE TRIED TO KILL ME! [Realizes receptionist has hung up] Hello?"

"Scream as you may! Scream as you might! If you try to escape, you'll be dead on this night."

"Loretta, darling, if you want magic, bend over. I'll pull a rabbit out of your ass."

"[Drunkenly] Pour all you want, pour all you can, you won't beat me, 'cause I'm a Lepre- CAN... hmph... cahn..."

"[Leprechaun appears on the TV as a preacher doing a commercial]"

"['As he's being sawn in half] Caesar's... Palace..."

"You need more than a boob job, Loretta. You need a personality transplant."

"The only whiskey is Irish whiskey!"

"[To an East Indian pawn shop owner after being revived granitized] Mmm, I like Indian food. So spicy!"

"Kiss me, I'm Irish!"

"What do I want? I want brown hair. I want health insurance for all Americans. I want the Mets to get their shit together."

"Jessica Collins as Tina"

"A leprechaun's home has many surprises."

"Guy Siner as Dr. Mittenhand / The Mittenspider"

"I'm going to have to make a few alterations, but afterward you should be able to bear a full litter."

"Ah... lovely golden palaces completely full of riches. I'll rip 'em off and rob 'em blind, those dirty sons of bitches."

"I want my gold shilling. Tell me where it is or there will be another killing."

"I can walk!"

"Due to interference, my experiment has gone awry. I am becoming a mutant, my brain slowly losing human perspective. I am no longer Mittenhand. I am now... Mitten-spider."

"I am like the Wizard of Oz, am I not? Running things from behind a curtain. Only this wizard IS NOT A FAKE!"

"Now that was quite a load to have to explode. What a lovely lass, I had to blow up your ass but now I must hit the road!"

"For pulling this trick, I'll chop off your dick!"

"James Lancaster as William O'Day"

"Help me... Help me..."

"Charlie Heath as Cody"

"Warwick Davis as The Leprechaun"

"Shevonne Durkin as Bridget/William's Daughter"

"Adam Biesk as Ian"

"Sandy Baron as Morty"

"No one leaves this ship unless I so say! Say so."

"David Powledge as Frank"

"Yo man, want me gold?"

"[Appears on the TV as a injuries compensation lawyer doing an infommercial] Feeling sick? Stubbed your toe? Call this lawyer. I'll fix your woe. Agony is my business. I'll fight for you! Even you, Mitch."

"Warwick Davis as The Leprechaun"