"Then there is a God. Incredible. Moses was right. [A ray of light shines over Boris.] He that abideth in truth will have frankincense and myrrh smeared on his gums in abundance, and he shall dwell in the house of the Lord for six months with an option to buy. But the wicked man shall have all kinds of problems. His tongue shall cleave to the roof of his upper palate. And he shall speak like a woman, if you watch him closely. And he shall . . . The wicked man shall be delivered into the hands of his enemy, whether they can pay the delivery charge or not. And . . . [Ray of light turns off.] Wait, I have more about the wicked man. [The ray turns on again.] I shall walk through the valley of the shadow of death. In fact, now that I think of it, I shall run through the valley of the shadow of death, cause you get out of the valley quicker that way. And he that hath clean hands and a pure heart is okay in my book. But he that fools around with barnyard animals has got to be watched."

"Wheat. I'm dead. They're talking about wheat. The question is have I learned anything about life. Only that - only that human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun. The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if - if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that He's evil. I think that - that the worst you can say about Him is that basically, He's an underachiever. After all, there are worse things in life than death. I mean, if you've - if you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you - you know exactly what I'm talking about. The - The key here, I think, is to - to not think of death as an end, but - but think of it more as a very effective way of - of cutting down on your expenses. Regarding love, huh, you know, uh, what can you say. I-It - It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It's the quality. On the other hand, if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it. Well, that's about it for me, folks. Goodbye."

"Harold Gould - Anton lvanovich Lebedokov"

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness — I hope you're getting this down."

"Of course there was Old Greggor and his son Young Greggor. Oddly enough, Young Greggor's son was older than Old Greggor. Nobody could figure out how that happened."

"[writing aloud] "I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of silent seas." Too sentimental."

"[voiceover] I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If he was a carpenter, I wondered what he charged for bookshelves."

"[to Sonja] Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?"

"A. Socrates is a man. B. All men are mortal. C. All men are Socrates. That means all men are homosexuals. Oh, well, I'm not a homosexual. I - I - Once, some - some Cossacks whistled at me. I - I - I happen to have the kind of body that excites both uh persuasions, but uh you know some men are - are heterosexual, and - and - s-some bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all, you know, they're - They become lawyers. My problem is that I - I see both sides of every issue. I'm - I'm too logical. You know, I - I - I, the world is not logical. If it was logical, h-how would Old Nehamkin be younger than Young Nehamkin? I-I knew there was something crazy about that when I was a kid, but - but every time I said something, they'd smack me, so you know, heh heh. I-I'm - I'm just wracked with guilt, and I'm - I'm consumed with remorse and stricken with suffering for the human race. Not only that, but - but I'm developing a uh herpe o-on m-my lip here that is really killing me. [sighs] What to do?"

"Olga Georges-Picot - Countess Alexandrovna"

"Jeanine Jackson - Jo Metzler"

"Holmes Osborne - Dick Metzler"

"Nicholas D'Agosto - Larry Fouch"

"Mark Harelik - Dave Novotny"

"Phil Reeves - Dr. Walter F. "Walt" Hendricks"

"Molly Hagan - Diane McAllister"

"Delaney Driscoll - Linda Novotny"

"Colleen Camp - Judith Flick"

"Matthew Broderick - James T. "Jim" McAllister"

"Reese Witherspoon - Tracy Enid Flick"

"There were a lot of things said about Mr. McAllister, so I do not know what is true. I do not care about what he did or did not do. All I know is that he helped me out and I believe that he is a good guy."

"Chris Klein - Paul Metzler"

"[her campaign speech] "Who cares about this stupid election? We all know it doesn't matter who gets elected president of Carver. Do you really think it's going to change anything around here? Make one single person smarter... or happier... or nicer? The only person it does matter to is the one who gets elected. The same pathetic charade happens every year, and everyone makes the same pathetic promises, just so they can put it on their transcripts to get into college. So vote for me. Because I don't even want to go to college, and I don't care. And as president, I won't do anything. The only promise I will make is that... if elected, I will immediately dismantle the student government, so that none of us will ever have to sit through one of these stupid assemblies again! [Student body erupts in huge cheers] Or don't vote for me! Who cares? Don't vote at all! [More cheers and a standing ovation]"

"Jessica Campbell - Tammy Metzler"

"Matt Malloy - Vice Principal Ron Ball"

"[narrating] Being suspended is like getting a paid vacation. Why do they think it's a punishment? It's like your dog pees on the carpet and you give him a treat. Then you get in trouble for skipping school, it's sooo stupid! Hendricks told me, "One more time" and I'd be expelled. Sounded good to me."

"I don't know what you're referring to, but maybe if certain older, wiser people hadn't acted like such little babies, and gotten so mushy, then everything would be OK... and I think certain older people, like you, and your colleague, shouldn't be leching after their students, especially when some of them can't even get their own wives pregnant... and they certainly shouldn't be making slanderous accusations, especially when certain young, naive peoples' mothers are paralegal secretaries at the city's biggest law firm, and have won many successful lawsuits, and if you want to keep questioning me like this, I won't continue without my attorney present."

"narrating We got a lot of work done on student council, and I graduated in the 93rd percentile of my class. I got accepted to Georgetown, but it turned out to be a disappointment for me socially. At this point I was hoping to finally meet more people like me, but it turned out to be mostly full of lazy rich kids whose families had connections. scene shows Tracy yelling at loud kids to keep it down in the hallway. I guess Mr. Novotny was right, people like us are special. I was surprised that I did not think about him that much, but what I miss most are our talks. I wonder if he ever did finish that novel? Scene cuts to Dave in a big box store, wearing an employee's uniform and retagging prices."

"as narrator You might think it upset me that Paul Metzler had decided to run against me but nothing could be further from the truth. He was no competition for me; it was like apples and oranges. I had to work a little harder, that's all, see I believe in the voters; they understand that elections aren't just popularity contests, they know this country was built by people just like me who work very hard and don't have everything handed to them on a silver spoon. Not like some rich kids who everybody likes because their fathers owns Metzler's Cement and give them trucks on their 16th birthday and throw them big parties all the time. Scene shows Tracy on the school bus, looking out the window at Paul standing by his pickup truck joking with some friends No, they don't ever have to work for anything. They think they can just all of a sudden one day out of the blue waltz right in with no qualifications whatsoever and try to take away what other people have worked very, very hard for their entire lives. No, it didn't bother me at all."

"It's not like I'm a lesbian or anything. I'm attracted to the person. It's just that all the people I've been attracted to happen to be girls."

"[voiceover] You might ask if I ever saw Tracy Flick again. Well, I did. Just once. I was down in Washington for a museum educator's conference, and I stayed an extra day to do some sightseeing. After an inspiring morning on the mall, I was on my way to the Holocaust Museum when... I'll never know if she saw me. Probably not. But in that moment, all the bad memories, all the things I'd ever wanted to say to her, it all came flooding back. My first impulse was to run over there, pound on her window, and demand that she admit she tore down those posters and lied and cheated her way into winning that election. But, instead, I just stood there. And I suddenly realized I wasn't angry at her anymore. I just felt sorry for her. I mean, when I think about my new life and all the exciting things I'm doing, and then I think about what her life must be like—probably still getting up at five in the morning to pursue her pathetic little dreams—it just makes me sad. I mean, where is she really trying to get to anyway? What is she doing in that limo? Who the fuck does she think she is?!"

"[narrating] None of this would have happened if Mr. McAllister hadn't meddled the way he did. He should have just accepted things as they are instead of trying to interfere with destiny. You see, you can't interfere with destiny. That's why it's destiny. And if you try to interfere, the same thing's going to happen anyway, and you'll just suffer."

"If you died right now, I would throw myself into one of my Dad's cement trucks and get poured into your tomb."

"It's like my mom says, "The weak are always trying to sabotage the strong.""

"Linda never came home. I know, because I waited 10 hours outside her house."

"[while counting the votes, he sees Tracy in the hall looking into the room] The sight of Tracy at that moment affected me in a way I can't fully explain. Part of it was that she was spying; but mostly it was her face. Who knew how high she would climb in life? How many people would suffer because of her? I had to stop her... now!"

"[mocking the students] Mr.McAllister. Mr.McAllister. Somebody's torn down my poster. It's not fair. Can I get an A? Can I get a recommendation? Can I? Can I? Fuck them."

"narrating while a scene shows primitive people in a museum setting What happens to a man when he loses everything? Everything he's worked for... everything he believes in? Driven from his home... cast out of society... how can he survive? Where can he go? scene changes to immigrants getting off a ship at Ellis Island New York City! For centuries people have come to New York seeking refuge from their troubled lives. Now I am one of them...I got a job at the Museum of Natural History as an educator. That is for people with past experience in education who cater to field trips, showing students the meaning of the exhibit. That is right, I am teaching again."

"Sometimes when I'm sad, I sit and watch the power station. They say if you lie between two of the main wires, your body just evaporates... you become a gas. I wonder what that would feel like."

"Frankie Ingrassia - Lisa Flanagan"

"Pegi Georgeson - Ballot Lady"

"Anne Bancroft - Anna Bronski"

"Ronny Graham - Sondheim, Stage Manager"

"Mel Brooks - Frederick Bronski"

"Estelle Reiner - Gruba"

"Without Jews, fags, and gypsies, there is no theater."

"[to Anna] Listen, sweetheart, if I don't come back, I forgive you for whatever happened between you and Lt. Sobinsky... but if I do come back, you're in a lot of trouble!"

"Jack Riley - Dobish"

"That is the movie!"