"I normally would’ve literally ran across that float with daggers, and not only stabbed you both, like, 40 times, but then thrown you off, tarred and feathered each of you, beheaded you, and quartered your bodies, and dragged them through the city of West L.A. on a disgusting truck."

"Everyone’s acting like it’s their own private chef back there. You’re in a restaurant, we have a set menu, just pick something and shut the fuck up."

"Why didn't I have a bottle of wine before I did this?"

"I am so good at making people feel like shit when they deserve to feel like shit."

"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Go fuck yourself and die."

"I am going to crucify her. I'm going to destroy her life. You have no idea."

"Who can say no to an open bar?"

"It's my dream to have three glasses of wine in front of me at all times."

"Like, I would have it at fucking TGI Fridays. I would have done it somewhere with good ranch."

"Oh, and can I have a side of balsamic vinegar? I like eating that with pizza. Top five condiments for pizza, in order. Number one going to be a mixture of sriracha and ranch. Number two is just plain ranch. Number three is balsamic. Number four, plain hot sauce."

"I feel like if I did a boudoir photo shoot with Beau, I would be styled as Daenerys in a giant tub filled with ranch. Who could resist that? Playboy?"

"I want to wrap a dildo in acid and give it Kristen as a present so it tears out her insides."

"The only thing that I have holding me back right now is that I have self respect and dignity. Thank god for Kristen, who is unburdened by those anchors."

"My mom has always told me that I’m a descendant of a Swedish princess, so I try and act like one."

"No, hobble away"

"Did Scheana just flip flop on flip flopping?"

"and I want some fried goat cheese balls."

"I want to get some goat cheese balls really bad."

"Constipation station."

"[To Jax Taylor] Well, Don't swim away like a moody mermaid."

"Schwartz is like half weasel, half vagina."

"I'd rather give birth to a dump truck than have that conversation with Lisa again."

"She is a ass sucker. Sorry. And she's sucking on your ass right now."

"Like, He should probably be stoned to death."

"What? I like sneaking wine in places. I mean, If someone's gonna pick a lunch spot That doesn't serve wine, sorry."

"I like to compare myself to, Like, King Henry VIII. Once you fuck up, Like, Off with your heads."

"It’s my birthday, so go fuck yourself."

"Jax shouldn't feel bad about being a sociopath. I mean Tom Sandoval is probably a narcissist. Kristen meets most of the criteria for borderline personality disorder. Ariana has a superiority complex. Katie has anger management issues. Scheana's a hypochondriac. I'm a alcoholic, so he's in good company."

"That is the ugliest effing wedding dress I've ever seen in my entire life."

"that, like, I prefer to be a dictator and not part of a democracy."

"A generation ago, humans eluded ; with luck, we'll continue to dodge that and other mass terrors. But now we often find ourselves asking whether inadvertently we've poisoned or parboiled the planet, ourselves included. We've also used and abused water and soil so there's a lot less of each, and trampled thousands of species that probably aren't coming back. Our world, some respected voices warn, could one day degenerate into something resembling a vacant lot, where crows and rats scuttle among weeds, preying on each other. If it comes to that, at what point would things have gone so far that, for all our vaunted superior intelligence, we're not among the hardy survivors? The truth is, we don't know."

"The nature part of human nature is to make copies of ourselves — as it is with any other ."

"We’re facing some questions in this century that are existential in their nature. One is, have we inadvertently pushed so many other fellow species off this planet, species that we coevolved with, that we depend upon for our food and for all kinds of other things that they do, filtering the air, filtering the water? Have we pushed so many of them off that we have started a cascade that is ultimately leading to a that’s going to include ourselves? Second, the climate. We have lived in balance through most of the history of our species with this very thin layer of air that surrounds the planet. But then we jet-propelled our society because we discovered how to tap the energy that nature didn’t need for its own cycle, the excess carbon it had buried away. We’ve dug it all up, and we’ve burned it, and we’ve created these marvels, including the internet that you and I are speaking to each other with right now. In the process, however, we packed the atmosphere with some invisible gases that [hold heat]. We’re basically baking ourselves right now because we have created the . Are we going to be able to stop that process in time? We’re exceeding limits that scientists have warned us we should learn to live within."

"Scheana looks like a cross between a Gypsy and one of those American Girl dolls. So long, Scheana. So Long Scheana's Eyelashes. So long, Scheana's Turban. So long, Scheana's Unitards."

"I'm not really into physical activity. I prefer to stay, like, sedentary."

"which is I don't like working with other fucking people. That might make me selfish. Fine, then I'm selfish."

"It's like the devil just shit me out into this weird, like, Mars planet where there's palm trees and old people"

"If being good at sex can get you a Rolls Royce, I must really not be good at sex."

"Ugh, This is why I date poor people. Rich people annoy me."

"You were in the dentist's office. You got a lollipop and a toothbrush when it was over."

"Outside of , they were reputed to be bigger than anyone else in , with diversified investments in marijuana, cocaine, and Mexican brown heroin. Fleets of matching new began zooming around . The became one of the city's more prominent employers.** (200 pages; with photographs by Jay Dusard)"

"Everyone shut the fuck up, This is my fucking birthday"

"All of you people, You all get to be in Cabo because I was born today."

"I am the Devil, and don't you forget it."

"It's my birthday, and what I say goes."

"Sometimes life gives you a really good gift. Like knowing scheana wore a crop top to her wedding."

"I mean, I'm not really what I've done to you, But I'll take a Pinot Grigio."

"I'm afraid that she's gonna ask me advice on how to dispose of Ariana's body. I mean, sodium hydroxide and a plastic bin. Google it. But leave me out of it."

"Scheana, You weren't dying. You were in the dentist's office."