"Look, I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me."

"Yul Vazquez - Dead Head Gill Chavez"

"Reg Rogers - George "Bug Guy" Swilling"

"Donal Logue - Priest Brian Norris"

"Lisa Roberts Gillan - Elaine from Manhattan"

"Christopher Meloni - Bob Kelly"

"Paul Dooley - Walter Carpenter"

"Don't tell me. My doorman's another one of your admirers."

"Rita Wilson - Ellie Graham"

"Héctor Elizondo - Fisher"

"Joan Cusack - Peggy Flemming"

"Richard Gere - Homer "Ike" Eisenhower Graham"

"Julia Roberts - Margaret "Maggie" Carpenter"

"Dear Editor: Greetings from the sticks. Perhaps you believe that a rural education is focused mainly on hog calling and tractor maintenance rather than reading. Why else would you print a piece of fiction about me and call it fact? I suppose Mr.Graham was too busy thinking up slanderous statements about how I dump men for kicks to bother with something silly like accuracy in reporting, which is understandable because with a man-eater like me on the loose, who has time to check facts? That's why I was surprised to find Mr. Graham's editor was a woman. Call me a sentimental fool, but I sort of hoped we man-eaters could stick together. Anyway, I'm just dropping you big-city folk this little note to say that I have thought of a ritual sacrifice that would satisfy my current appetite: Ike Graham's column on a platter. Yours truly, Maggie Carpenter. P.S., I have enclosed a list of the gross factual misinterpretations in your article. There are fifteen."

"There is a distinct possibility that I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up."

"You're a cynical, explotive, mean-hearted creep who wouldn't know real love if it bit him in the armpit."

"A toast to, uh to Maggie's family and friends. May you find yourselves the bulls-eye of an easy target. May you be publicly flogged for all of your bad choices. And may your noses be rubbed in all of your mistakes."

"So, um, may be you and I should, you know, what do you think, Huh?"

"[sees Farrell's leg wound] Hey, chicks dig scars. [notices Farrell looking at his daughter Lucy] Not that one."

"[taunts Thomas Gabriel] I know I'm not as smart as you guys at all this computer shit. But, hey... I'm still alive, ain't I? I mean, you've GOT to be running out of bad guys by now, right? Huh? Gabriel? Honestly, you can tell me. I mean, how does that work? Got some kind of service or something? Some kind of 800 number? 1-800-HENCHMEN? Oh, you know what? I bet you're still on hold with, "Can I get another dead Asian hooker bitch over here right away?""

"Yippee Ki Yay Mo - John 6:27"

"Bruce Willis - John McClane"

"Justin Long - Matthew Farrell"

"Timothy Olyphant - Thomas Gabriel"

"Maggie Q - Mai Linh"

"Mary Elizabeth Winstead - Lucy McClane"

"Cliff Curtis - Miguel Bowman"

"Tim Russ - Agent Summers"

"Kevin Smith - Warlock (Freddie)"

"Jonathan Sadowski - Trey"

"I don’t think that you’re appreciating the urgency here. Not only is she a virgin, she’s totally off the reservation. I’m terrified of this broad."

"Did you hear what I just said to you? Stage five? Virgin? Clinger? Let’s go, I’m gonna start the car, I’m serious, let’s go."

"You go have fun. I'm gonna go ice my balls and spit up blood, Team Player!"

"Rule number 76: no excuses. Play like a champion."

"I don't even wear a belt...beltless."

"Oh please! You and I both know I'm a phenomenal dancer!"

"You better lock it up."

"It's the first quarter of the big game and you wanna toss up a hail Mary? I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it's not Halloween. Grow up, Peter Pan! Count Chocula! Look, we've been to a million weddings and you know what? We've rocked them all."

"I think he's on steroids. It's like trying to cover a fucking race horse."

"I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!"

"Keir O'Donnell as Todd Cleary"

"Ellen Albertini Dow as "Grandma" Mary Cleary (final film role)"

"Jane Seymour as Kathleen "Kitty Kat" Cleary"