"(Singing) Give 'em the old razzle dazzle; razzle dazzle 'em. Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it and the reaction will be passionate. Give 'em the old hocus pocus; bead and feather 'em. How can they see with sequins in their eyes? What if your hinges all are rusting? What if, in fact, you're just disgusting? Razzle dazzle 'em, and they'll never catch wise."

"When you came to me, I didn't ask if she was guilty, I didn't ask if she was innocent, I didn't ask if she was a drunk, a dope fiend. No, I asked, did you have five thousand dollars, and you told me yes, but you don't have five thousand dollars so I figure you're a dirty liar and I don't do deals with dirty liars! (Amos reaches out to take back the money) However..."

"(after singing Mr. Cellophane) Hope I didn't take up too much of your time."

"(Singing) Cellophane, Mr. Cellophane should'a been my name; Mr Cellophane. 'Cause you can look right through me, walk right by me, and never know I'm there."

"(Singing) A human being's made of more than air? With all that bulk you're bound to see 'em there! ...Unless that human bein' next to you, is unimpressive, undistingushed, you... know... who."

"Boy, what a sap I was!"

"(Velma just sung "I Can't Do It Alone") So where was the part where you blew her brains out??"

"Oh, and by the way, here's a piece of advice from me to you: lay off the caramels."

"You were mentioned in the paper today, in the back with the obituaries. 'Velma Kelly's trial has been postponed indefinitely.' Seven words."

"This dress makes me look like a Woolworths lamp shade! I'm not wearing this dress!"

"And then I started foolin' around... and then I started screwin' around, which is foolin' around without dinner."

"(In a Southern accent) I was born on a beautiful Southern convent... (In a normal voice) Oh, holy shit! I'm never gonna get this straight!!!"

"(Singing) Who says that murder's not an art?"

"(At a press conference, protesting her innocence) I bet you want to know why I shot the bastard?"

"(Singing) You can like the life you're living, you can live the life you like. You can even marry Harry, and mess around with Ike!"

"(Singing) And that's good, isn't it? Grand, isn't it? Great, isn't it? Swell, isn't it? Fun, isn't it?"

"(Singing) Come on babe, why don't we paint the town? And all that jazz! I'm gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down... And all that jazz! Start the car, I know a whoopie spot, where the gin is cold and the piano's hot! It's just a noisy hall where there's a nightly brawl, and all... that... jazz!"

"My audience loves me. And I love them. And they love me for lovin' them and I love them for lovin' me. And we love each other. And that's cause none of us got enough love in our childhoods. And that's showbiz, kid."

"(After Roxie turns down her idea of doing a double act together saying "It'll never work./'Cause I hate you!") There's only one business in the world where that's no problem at all.....(raises eyebrow and grins slyly...leads into Nowadays)"

"What's your talent; washing and drying?"

"I just can't take it anymore! You can't go anywhere without hearing about that dumb tomato! (Mama sits up with her hair dyed like Roxie's) Oh, no, Mama, not you too."

"You wanted my advice, right? Well here it is. Don't forget Billy Flynn's number one client is... Billy Flynn."

"(Singing) She'd say, "What's your sister like?" I'd say, "Men.""

"My sister Veronica and I had this double act, and my husband Charlie traveled around with us. Now for the last number in our act, we did these twenty acrobatic tricks in a row. One, two, three, four, five, splits, spread-eagles, backflips, flip-flops, one right after the other. So this one night before the show, we're down at the Hotel Cicero; the three of us, boozin'... having a few laughs. And we ran out of ice, so I go out to get some. I come back... open the door... and there's Veronica and Charlie, doing number seventeen: the spread-eagle. Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out, I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later...when I was washing the blood off my hands, I even knew they were dead!"

"(Singing) No, I'm no one's wife, but oh, I love my life!! And all... that... Jazz!!!!"

"(Singing) My sister and I had an act that couldn't flop. My sister and I were headed straight for the top! My sister and I made a thou, a week at least- oh yea- but my sister is now unfortunately deceased. I know it's sad, of course, but a fact, is still a fact. And now all that remains, is the remains of a perfect, double, act!"

"Look honey, you want some advice? Well, here it is, direct from me to you. Keep your paws off my underwear, 'kay?"

"(Smoking her cigarette and smoke puffs from her red lips) Cicero."

"Harland Williams - Special Agent Steve Hanson"

"Megan Mullally - Call Girl"

"Sarah Partridge - Kessler"

"Kevin Anderson - Chuck"

"Bruce A. Young - Jackie"

"Raphael Sbarge - Glenn"

"Shera Danese - Vicki"

"Janet Carroll - Joel's Mother"

"Nicholas Pryor - Joel's Father"

"Curtis Armstrong - Miles"

"Bronson Pinchot - Barry"

"Richard Masur - Bill Rutherford"

"Joe Pantoliano - Guido"

"Rebecca De Mornay - Lana"

"Tom Cruise - Joel Goodsen"

"There's a time for playing it safe and a time for Risky Business."

"Meet the model son who's been good too long."

"Just use your best judgment. We trust you."