"What does that mean? huh? ‘China is here?’ I don’t even know what the hell that means! All I know is this Lo Pan character comes out of thin air in the middle of a goddamned alley, while his buddies are flying around on wires, cutting everybody to shreds...and he just stands there, waiting for me to drive my truck straight through him?! With LIGHT coming out of his mouth?!"

"Frank Welker - voice of The Wild Man, and The Eye"

"Carter Wong - Thunder"

"Donald Li - Eddie Lee"

"Kate Burton - Margo"

"Victor Wong - Egg Shen"

"James Hong - David Lo Pan"

"Suzee Pai - Miao Yin"

"Dennis Dun - Wang Chi"

"Kim Cattrall - Gracie Law"

"Kurt Russell - Jack Burton"

"[from trailer] Jack Burton's coming to rescue your summer!"

"[from trailer] They told him to go to Hell - and that's just where he's going!"

"A Mystical, Action, Adventure, Comedy, Kung Fu, Monster, Ghost Story!"

"Jack Burton's in for some serious trouble, and you're in for some serious fun."

"Try to find big reason before you visit world of magic..."

"Adventure doesn't come any bigger!"

"Some people pick the darnedest places to start a fight!"

"Oh, Miao Yin. I need you Miao Yin — you whose eyes flash like emerald lightning. Ching Dai! Make me flesh again soon."

"Who are these people? Friends of yours, huh?! Now this really pisses me off to no end!"

"There are always others, are there not? You seem to be one who knows the difficulties between men and women, how seldom it works out. And yet we all keep trying, like fools!"

"This place is my tomb. I'm buried here. A young man, a king, a warrior, is entombed in this old man's crippled body. And all I need is a woman, Mr. Burton — a special kind of woman with dragon-green eyes — to make me whole and young again, so that I may rule the universe from beyond this grave!"

"Mr. Burton, if you have an influence over your youthful friend, you'd better exert it now! Otherwise, I will have both of you rowed off to the hell where people are skinned alive! It's that simple, understand?!"

"Just remember what ol' Jack Burton does when the earthquakes and the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake. Yeah, Jack Burton just looks that big ol' storm right in the eye and says "Give me your best shot. I can take it.""

"Ol' Jack always says...what the hell?"

"Everybody relax, I'm here."

"Sit tight, hold the fort, keep the home fires burning. And if we're not back by dawn...call the president."

"Look, I'm going to tell you about an accident and I don't wanna hear "act of God," okay?"

"Would you stop rubbing your body up against mine? Because I can’t concentrate when you do that..."

"Which Lo Pan? Little ol’ basketcase on wheels, or the ten-foot-tall roadblock?!"

"I'm not saying I've been everywhere, and I've done everything. But I do know this is a pretty amazing planet we live on here. And a man would have to be some kind of fool to think we're all alone in this universe."

"Just listen to the ol' "Porkchop Express" and take his advice on a dark and stormy night, alright? When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, looks you crooked in the eye, and asks you if you paid your dues; you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol' Jack Burton always says at a time like that: "Have you paid your dues, Jack?" "Yes, sir, the check is in the mail.""

"Like I told my last wife, I says, "Honey, I never drive faster than I can see." Besides that, it's all in the reflexes."

"[Message left on Teri's answering machine] Teri! I'm sorry! Come on give me one more chance please! Come on Teri! Teri! Oh Oh I'm in hell! I'M IN HELL!! TERI TERI PICK UP THE PHONE!! PICK UP THE PHONE!! PICK UP THE PHONE!!! OH OH TERI!!!!!! PLE-HE-HE-HE-HEASE!"

"Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner who MOCKS him and LAUGHS at him as he's repeatedly CRUSHED and MAIMED! [almost tearfully] Hope you ENJOY IT!!!"

"[to Satan] Oh, shut up, you pinhead! You make me SICK!"

"Oh, no. What time is it!? [arm with a watch breaks through the wall, George looks at the watch] Seven THIRTY!?"

"You gotta grab life by the lips and YANK as hard as you can."

"Look up! Look down! Now look at Mr. Frying Pan! [George conks Bobbo in the face with the frying pan] Uh-oh. Bobbo fall down go boom. Uuupsy-daisy...Aw, what's wrong, Bobbo? I bet I know! You're hungry, aren't you? [Bobbo honks his horn weakly] Have I got just the thing for you! Yes sir, clowns AND kids alike just can't resist the mouth-watering, lip-smacking taste of Mrs. Hackenberger's Butter Cookies! [He proceeds to stuff Bobbo's face with "cookies," which are actually dog biscuits; George has picked up the wrong box!!] Right, Bobbo? That's right! And guess what, Mom? They're nutritious, too! Just look at how much Bobbo here likes 'em! [cut to a revolted Bobbo] Mmmm, THAT'S GOOOOOD!! [Bobbo looks ready to vomit] And don't forget folks, there's a nifty surprise inside every box of Mrs. Hackenberger's...[notices his mistake for the first time] Heh Heh Heh, UH-OHHH!! [Bobbo turns and glares at Uncle Nutzy as if to say "WHAT Uh-Oh?!?"] Bobbo's been eating...YAPPY'S DOG TREATS!! [a look of horror crosses Bobbo's face, and he runs off to the "little clowns' room."] That's right, Yappy's Dog Treats! Your dog will love that real liver-and-tuna taste... [We hear Bobbo vomiting]... With just a hint of cheese...!"

"Sex with furniture, what do you think?"

"Lesbian Nazi hookers abducted by UFOs and forced into weight-loss programs, all this week on Town Talk!"

"It's crazy. It's zany. It's hysterical. It's TV according to "Weird Al" Yankovic."

"A lot of TV stations have forgotten what "quality" means. But not Channel 62. They NEVER knew what it meant."

"TV as it was meant to be seen. In a movie theater."

"Noodles Macintosh: [having just vengefully stuck a foot out and tripped up Richard Fletcher, now throwing Richard Fletcher's sarcasm right back at him] Awwww... did I do that? Oopsie!"

"Kuni (and other karate experts): SUH-PLIIEES!!"

"Gandhi: Give me a steak, medium-rare."

"Young book customer: [in a preview for "Conan the Librarian"] These books are a little overdue. [Conan slices him in two!!]"

"Philo: Hello, my name is Philo and welcome to...[unfolds a piece of paper with the title written on it; recites title with echo effect] Secrets Of The Universe. [folds paper back up] Today we are going to learn how to make plutonium from common household items."

"Teri: George Newman, you are a thoughtless, insensitive CREEP! From now on you can forget all my birthdays, because WE'RE THROUGH!"