"[to Pam in a beer tank that's being flooded with beer] My brother and I used to say that drownin' in beer was like heaven, eh? Now he's not here, and I've got two soakers... this isn't heaven. This sucks!"

"I fell so completely in love with these shoes, I bought enough pairs to last my whole lifetime. This is my last pair."

"[Epitaph on the gravestone] Mr. Magorium, toy impresario, wonder aficionado and avid shoe wearer."

"Kiele Sanchez — Mrs. Goodman"

"Ted Ludzik — Bellini"

"Zach Mills — Eric Applebaum"

"Jason Bateman — Henry "Mutant" Weston"

"Natalie Portman — Molly Mahoney"

"Dustin Hoffman — Edward Magorium"

"If you don't believe . . . You will."

"You have to believe it to see it."

"All stories, even the ones we love, must eventually come to an end and when they do, it's only an opportunity for another story to begin."

"Light bulbs die, my sweet. I will depart."

"Unlikely adventures require unlikely tools."

"Pretty impressive ball, isn't it?"

"Some are important documents, others maybe doodles I never framed. I can't tell the difference."

"Ellia English – Reba"

"Steve Bacic – Howard Blaine"

"Crystal Lowe – Cam's Wedding friend"

"Lindsay Maxwell – McTitty"

"Jodelle Micah Ferland – Lila Carpenter"

"Michelle Harrison – Anisha Carpenter"

"Jodie Stewart – Eleanor Skepple"

"Annie Wood – Lara"

"Lonny Ross – Joe Wexler"

"Chelan Simmons – Carol"

"Dan Fogler – Dr. Stuart Klaminsky"

"Jessica Alba – Cam Wexler"

"Dane Cook – Dr. Charlie Logan"

"Eleanor Skipple: [when Charlie proposes to have sex with her] I'm going to fuck you till you die!"

"Cam Wexler: One more word and I'll hide your stash."

"I jerk off to her mammograms."

"If you were a hamburger at McDonald's, I'd name you my McBeautiful Titty Sandwich with titties on top."

"See you in six months for a routine stabbing."

"Don't look at me in that tone of voice."

"My entire life, I've been nothing more than a stepping-stone to every relationship I've ever been in. There's always been a next guy who's better than me. For once in my life, I want to be that next guy. I've never said this to anybody before in my whole life. Cam... I love you. I love you, Cam."

"I think you better take up another sport, like knitting."

"Turn up the good turn down the suck."

"Fist Fighter #2 - Peter N. Cipriano"

"[handing Farrel a beer as he suffers from a hangover] This'll help ya out."

"Fist Fighter #1 - Cameron Swirka"

"Laurie D'Amour - Laurie D'Amour"

"Troy (Tron) McRae - Andrew Sparacino"

"Ron Miller - Jim Lawrence"

"Dr. S.C. Lim - Dr. S.C. Lim"

"Chastity Murdoch - Sage Lawrence"