"Now I'm not pointing any fingers, Lord knows you start pointing fingers and someone's gonna get poked. And I want you both to know that its not my intention to try and poke either of you."

"Captain Kangaroo, like Jesus, was someone you could really believe in. With those guys, it wasn't about the bells and whistles and the ricketa-racketa; it was all about the work. Especially Jesus."

"[singing] He slams the door, He stomps his feet, He sends me to bed with zilch to eat. But my step-dad's not mean, he's just adjusting."

"When my brothers and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker."

"[singing] Where can you go when skies turn grey? Where the sun always shines and the animals play? Where every day is a happy day? Well, Smoochy's here to show the way!"

"Friends Come in all Sizes!"

"[to Sheldon] Do not start with your magician's tricks, young Moses! I am Pharaoh! And you are my slave...and this is my kingdom! [starts singing to the tune of Old MacDonald Had a Farm] Rainbow Randolph is the man; Yes, oh, yes, he is! He's the king of Rainbowland; Yes, oh, yes, he is! With some fun, fun here and a laugh, laugh there, Here a dance, there a song; everything is fun, fun! Rainbow Randolph is the King [stars to cry] La, la, la, la...[covers his face]"

"[after being assaulted by Tommy and her henchmen] All right, you spudsucking fucks! I'm suing your Riverdance ass! [heavy Irish accent] I'm gonna send you all the way back home, eh?!"

"[after getting egged] I've been shot! I'm bleeding! Salmonella! You're a lawyer! That's salmonella!"

"[to a baby, after framing Sheldon] Hello, little nipple-nibbler. The rhino's a Nazi!"

"You better grow eyes in the back of your fucking head, you horned piece of shit, because I'm not gonna sleep until worms are crawling right up your foamy rubber ass! I'm going on a safari, motherfucker! SAH-FAR-I! [makes an elephant noise]"

"[Smoochy holds up a penis-shaped cookie made by Randolph] What are you, blind? It's a cock! It's not a rocket, you dumb fuck! It's a cock! Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! Yeah, it's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It's made from dil-dough."

"Even when you're squeaky clean, you can still fall in the mud."

"I despise you... I LOATHE YOU!!! Bastard son of Barney! Die! Die, you stuffed ball of fluff! You illegitimate Teletubby! Die, you Muppet from hell! Die, you foam motherfucker! Die! Die!"

"[to Jerry] Jesus, they certainly don't give you very good protection, do they? Look at you here. Who the hell is watching you? Any one of these freaks could just walk right up to you and do whatever he wants."

"Lou Brown - Band leader"

"Ed Herlihy - Himself"

"Shelley Hack - Cathy Long"

"Sandra Bernhard - Masha"

"Diahnne Abbott - Rita Keane"

"Jerry Lewis - Jerry Langford"

"Robert De Niro - Rupert Pupkin"

"Nobody knows Rupert Pupkin, but after 11:30 tonight no one will ever forget him."

"It's no laughing matter."

"Wilson Crockett: I just don't buy the idea that there are that many people out there crazy enough to spend their lives in prison for a few minutes on television."

"Official: We are met here in these extraordinary circumstances to join this man and this woman in holy wedlock. But, before we begin, let me voice a personal word of thanks to you, Rupert and to you, Rita, for choosing me to perform this prestigious ceremony. Because we are on prime time, I am going to discard my customary remarks in favor of a few personal reflections. When I was principal at Clifton High and these two were students, I had very little faith that Rupert here would amount to very much. But like his teachers and his fellow students, I underestimated this fine young man. Some say that this misjudgment is directly tied to my recent dismissal as head of the Clifton School System. But let me take this opportunity to set the record straight. Knowing that Rupert and Rita here were most certainly destined for a great career and a lifetime of happiness, I voluntarily stepped down. I would only here add my own wishes to those of millions of viewers for their continued health, wealth and boundless success. We'll be back to marry them in a minute, right after this word."

"Rita Keane: [to Pupkin] You call me up all junior and senior year. Night after night after night, right? And every time I'm wondering 'when is this guy going to stop talking and ask me out?' Well, now I know the answer. August twelfth, nineteen seventy-six. It only took you ten, eleven years to work up to it."

"[to Langford] I've got so much to tell you I just don't know what to begin with. Are you okay? [Langford mumbles, as he is bound and gagged] Good. Tell me if you're not. I guess you're wondering why I do stuff like this. I think it's because I'm a Leo, but my shrink says I'm pathologically rebellious and self-destructive. You don't think I'm self-destructive, do you? [Langford mumbles again] I knew you wouldn't. That's 'cause you're the only person in the world who really understands me."

"[to Pupkin, about Langford] All of a sudden, with a gun on him, he wants to make up and be friends. And, once he's out the door, what happens then?"

"A lot of you are probably wondering why Jerry couldn't make it this evening. Well, he's tied up, and I'm the one who tied him. [laughter] You think I'm joking, but that's the only way I could break into show business—by hijacking Jerry Langford. [laughter] I'm not kidding. Right now, Jerry Langford is strapped to a bedstead somewhere in the middle of this city. [laughter] Go ahead. Laugh. But the fact is . . . I'm here. Tomorrow you'll know I wasn't kidding, and you'll think I was crazy. But I figured it this way: better to be king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime!"

"This wasn't an easy decision for me, Jerry, believe me. For one thing, I knew it meant we could never be friends again and that hurt me. It's hard to lose a friend, even one who has let you down. You always hope you can patch things up. You know, a guy like me doesn't make friends that easily. Why didn't you just listen to the tape when I asked you? Then I wouldn't have to be doing all this. Was it really too much to expect, a few minutes of your time to listen to something I'd worked on my whole life?"

"[on tape] Now, Jerry. Before I begin, I just want to thank you for listening to this material and for the opportunity that you've given me. You know, lots of people think that guys like you, you know, people who have made it, lose their feeling for struggling young talent such as myself. But now I know from experience that those people are just cynics, embittered by their own failure. I know, Jerry, that you're as human as the rest of us, if not more so."

"Every King needs a Queen, Rita. I want you to be mine."

"[to Rita, about Marilyn Monroe] She wasn't a great actress, but she had a real gift for comedy. She died tragically, you know, alone, like so many of the world's most beautiful women. I'm going to see that doesn't happen to you, Rita."

"He's a bit of a computer nerd, and he has no friends. He's a pathetic loser, really. But by the end of the film, he actually says, you've been the best friend I've ever had. It's so sad. All I've done is try to ruin his life, but I've been nice and charming."

"Julian Firth - John Wilkes Booth"

"Rudolf Martin - Raoul"

"Aaron Lustig - Synedyne Supervisor"

"Jeff Doucette - Desk Sergeant"

"Brian Doyle-Murray - Priest"

"Gabriel Casseus - Elliot's Cellmate"

"Miriam Shor - Carol / Penthouse Hostess"

"Toby Huss - Jerry / Alejandro / Beach Jock / Jerry Turner / Lance"

"Paul Adelstein -Bob / Roberto / Beach Jock / Bob Bob"

"Orlando Jones - Daniel / Dan / Danny / Esteban / Beach Jock / Lamar Garrett / Dr. Ngegitigegitibaba"

"Frances O'Connor as Alison Gardner / Nicole Delarusso"

"Elizabeth Hurley - The Devil (Satan)"