585 quotes found
"So you see, looking back, I think the other kids always picked me last for sports because I was smarter than them, not because of my unpredictable bladder."
"Now, I'm about to take off my shirt. A feeling of mild nausea is normal."
"Well, back to work. Got to win the Pulitzer Prize. First I need a topic. (starts typing on typewriter) "Chaplin, Polański and Woody: Three Men and a Little Lady." Aah! (Throws paper away, starts typing again) "Meathead, Laverne, and Opie: Great Filmmakers of Our Day." (Puts his hands to his head) AAH!"
"I am a movie critic by trade, and until recently, I got paid to tell you people which movies merely stink and which ones you shouldn’t screen near an open flame. Well, I’m putting the burden of lousy movies back on you. It’s very simple: if you stop going to bad movies, they’ll stop making bad movies. If the movie used to be a TV show, just don’t go. After Roman numeral II, give it a rest. If it's a remake of a classic, rent the classic. Tell them you want stories about people, not a hundred million dollars of stunts and explosives. People, it’s up to you. If the movie stinks, just don’t go."
"So you're not good at sports, we'll just have to find out what you are good at. In my case, it's complaining about movies that bring happiness to idiots."
"Well, that's all for our show tonight. If you want to read more about trucking, I'm sorry but there just aren't any trucking books out there."
"Goodnight, Critic fans! And a special goodnight to those just tuning in for Home Improvement! (Looney Tunes Theme plays)"
"I did it! Oh, I'm a doc, a happy sneezy doc! (Yawns) Ooh, I'm a sleepy happy sneezy doc. If I don't get to bed, I'll be a grumpy dopey sleepy happy sneezy doc. (Pause) Bashful."
"I promised Alice I'd get her little girl into preschool, and I haven't had any luck. I ate a cheesecake, I took a nap, what more can one man do?"
"(After being pepper sprayed) Mmmm, jalapeno!"
"(A speaking cardboard figure of Jay waving a book) Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my book!"
"I'm Jay Sherman, the famous film critic. I used to have a big show on ABC ... for about a week."
"(Jay's poem to Alice, which he reads to her) The woman I love will be my best friend. We'll make each other laugh, and I'll never be lonely again. Her name will be Alice, and she'll have a sweet Southern accent, and I hope she'll love me too."
"(After being hit on the head by a heavy ball) Skull cracked, brains leaking out, can't wait to see new Chevy Chase movie."
"I can't die like this! I have holes in my Little Mermaid underwear!"
"Nothing turns on the chicks like The Human Fly...or was that Spanish Fly?"
"(After being held hostage in an Iraqi prison and forced to read a note in front of a T.V. camera) Single Arabic captain wishes to meet non-Kurdish woman. I like puppies, Kenny G and walks on the beach. Woo-hoo! Kenny G!"
"(While daydreaming of accepting an Oscar) A vive Jay Sherman, a vive Quebec-a. A vive Jay Sherman, a vive Quebec-a."
"And that's why I'm glad The Beatles broke up!"
"This is worse than the time you sucker-punched Mr. Rogers!"
"When I grow up, I want to be a man just like you."
"It's okay Dad, money's not important."
"Now look, I'll be honest. This is the ride I take with all my brother's girlfriends where they admit they're just using him."
"Great, welcome to our crappy family."
"(On the phone) Jay, this is your sister. You got a lot of laughs on The Tonight Show last night. Um ... did you mean to have your fly open the whole time?"
"(On the phone) Jay, this is your sister. Mom just gave me your old room. Um ... do you still want this Leif Garrett poster?"
"Debutante balls are outdated, elitist, and sexist. You said so yourself in your review of Boyz n the Hood."
"(To her ex Johnny, after he wanted to say goodbye before leaving) Aww, that's so sweet. Before you left, I wanted to say "Get bent.""
"(On the phone) Jay, this is your mother. Your father and I are taking you out of our will. We feel you already have enough money. Oh yes, and Happy Birthday."
"The debutantes' ball is a Wigglesworth tradition! To starve yourself to fit into a dress, to dance with boys who feel you up and to drink so much you fall into a well. It's a magical night."
"I was just going to give you some rubber bands to play with...but if you want to, you can come."
"I think you media jackals are a pack of filthy muck-raking scum! What you people did to poor Dan Quayle is a disgrace! I hate you all! Except for you good people at the New Yorker."
"(After Franklin transforms and behaves like The Mask) Oh dear. This is just what he did at Nixon's funeral."
"(After transforming into The Mask) Drrrrrrrrrrinkin'!"
"(Singing) I punch like a comet then drink till I vomit, I'm Franklin the sailor man!"
"As the first black female head of the Ku Klux Klan, I would just like to say America stinks!"
"(Imitating Julia Child) Then you sprinkle the chicken liberally with old spice."
"(Driving through a Picaso painting) Take that Guernica!"
"(Crashing through the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in a helecopter) Take that Birth of Man!"
"(Preparing for the vice presidential debate) Now let's rob that bank. (Puts a stocking on his head)"
"(Goes to the cockpit of a plane and sees the pilot's a penguin) A penguin! And he's been drinking! Wait a minute... penguins can't fly... PENGUINS CAN'T FLY!"
"(To a penguin pilot when their plane goes down) No I will not pray with you!"
"Oh, Son. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times ... who are all you people?"
"I didn't ask to be secretary of balloon doggies, the balloon doggies demanded it!"
"I was the head of a trucker's union once. That reminds me, there's a lot of money and some dead bodies buried in the back yard!"
"Forget the rivets, darling, Crazy Glue will hold any surface together! It's crazy!!!"
"Now, who wants to boogie with baby '37?"
"Happy 1937 everybody!"
"If I could be a vegetable, I'd be a carrot."
"(Dressed up as the Energizer Bunny) 48 hours and still going!"
"I've been there too. Usually there's a midget making googly eyes at me. I call him Mr. Pickalini."
"(Watching Jay on TV) On this TV, I do believe his nose is bigger than my foot. (Puts his foot over Jay's nose) Look, see? Isn't that incredible?"
"I’m not wearing pants. I split my pants, and now I’m not wearing pants."
"Son loves Mother, sweet romance. Poor old father has no pants."
"Keep it down Son. I'm trying to make it rain Harvey's Bristol Cream."
"Hey, hey, hey, it's Fat Albert! How-buh are-buh you-buh do-bing?"
"(While watching the Pulitzer Prize ceremony) This is the worst production of Porgy and Bess I’ve ever seen."
"Why the hell do you have to be so critical?"
"(On the phone) Hello Jay, this is your boss. I've just obtained legal permission to hunt men for sport, and I wondered if you'd like to come to my ranch tomorrow. Bring your jogging shoes."
"Jay, you got a very valid point. But on the other hand, shut up!"
"I came here to swallow my pride, admit I was wrong, and beg you to come back to work for me again. But then I figured I'd take a moral shortcut and write you a check."
"(About his new movie) Do you know how much it costs to get Saddam Hussein to play himself?"
"I can do anything I want. If I want Citizen Kanes last word to be "schwing," then that's what it's gonna be! I'm a god I tell you! A go-- (Clutches his chest in pain, falls to the floor and believes he is dying) Rosebud ... I mean "schwing!""
"That's it! I'll run for president! Drop a whole mess a' bombs and put Merle Haggard on the Supreme Court!"
"(Picks up his cell phone) Get Webster on the phone. (On the phone with Noah Webster) Noah, how are you doin'? It's Duke. How much would it cost to make "Quyzbuk" a word? I don't know what it means, uh, how about "a big problem?" Great! How about that other word I invented, "Dukelicious?" No one's using it? What a Duketastrophe."
"(A statue of Duke chanting) All hail Duke! Duke is life!"
"Make him SQUEAL!"
"Bazooka Duke says CHEW ON THIS!"
"Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! ... VOTE FOR DUKE!"
"What is this? Annoy The Billionaire Day?!"
"(Describing himself on a talk show) I'm a self made billionaire. The only person who can bribe me is a Bazillionaire."
"(On the phone) Jay, it’s Doris. I’m at the morgue. Could you come down and tell them I’m not dead? They don’t believe me."
"(Watching the musical "Hunch") I shaved for this?"
"(Takes a deep breath) Mmmm ... smoke. (Walks in a room on fire) It looks like Hell, but it smells like Heaven."
"Kiss my surprisingly firm butt."
"(after Jay tells Jeremy that he's going to marry Valerie Fox): Bubbe, never marry an actress. And never do blackface at the NAACP Image awards. Two things I've learned from experience."
"I was in a student film once. Well, it wasn't a student film actually, although it had several women dressed as cheerleaders. I played Professor Spankum."
"It's just a gun for God's sake, not a bloody Xerox machine!"
"Sorry. I hate not being friendly, but this is New York."
"(Jay introduces Alice to Duke Phillips) It's nice to meet you, sir. I'll never forget the speech you gave at my high school graduation: "I just drank two bottles of tequila. My wife doesn't know I'm here. Any of you girls over 18?""
"Honey, we have a saying back in Tennessee: "Be a mensch, not a schmendrick.""
"Oh Jay, you're the sweetest man who ever called me a super freak."
"Listen, honey, I've known men like Duke all my life. There was this one boy back in college – dealt drugs, went to jail – yet today he's the star of Home Improvement."
"I think you should know a little about my sister before she gets here. Let's just say she's like Satan with a boob job."
"Funny man!"
"(To Jay in a maternity dress) Are you gonna have puppies?"
"(Praying at her bed) God bless Daddy, and Uncle Bisquick, and please give Momma the butt-lift Aunt Randa says she needs so desperately."
"Oh! It time for Humphrey the Hippo!"
"I don’t know why I ever married you. (zoom out to reveal they're at their own wedding)"
"The judge said every time you talk to me, it costs you a hundred dollars."
"You’re just as bad a father as you were a lover."
"We raised a great kid."
"(On the phone) Jay, this is your ex-wife. Your alimony check is eighteen minutes late. Nope, nineteen minutes. That's it, I'm calling my lawyer!"
"No pressure Marty, but the Pope and Nelson Mandela are in the audience, and they came to party!"
"(After Bill Clinton falls through a floor) I’m sure we all appreciate President Clinton’s ground-breaking message!"
"Attention students: Auditions for Peter Pan are being (Helium voice) held in the auditorium! (Normal voice) Stupid helium!"
"I am sorry, Martin. You are not fit. From now on, you must go to remedial gym. (Opens door and moaning noises are heard) Oh wait, that’s remedial choir."
"(Singing) Ho Ho Ho, stick out your toe! Hee Hee Hee, stick out your knee!"
"Please kids, my philosophy is "love and dance," not "hate and not dance.""
"Today, Humphrey's gonna teach you all what happens when you get a lung removed: You get ice cream!"
"Tobacco Company Executive: But Mr. Sherman, think of the children. If they don't have cigarettes, what'll they do after they have sex?"
"Priest: I said questions, not wishes! I'm a priest not a genie!"
"Jay's "inner child": (On the phone) Jay, this is your inner child. I escaped and I just robbed a liquor store. Gotta go!"
"Cuban TV Announcer: We'll be back after this word from toilet paper, now in "rough" and "not-so-rough.""
"Adolph Hitmaker: If you want the world to love you, you must be big and jolly like Santa Claus, or Rush Limbaugh."
"Chicken Shack employee: You want a piece of me, fat boy? I'll spork your ass!"
"Dressmaker: Oopsie, I swallowed a pin. That's gonna be a fun little journey."
"From A Little Deb Will Do Ya"
"Bribed Movie Critic: This movie is so good, it makes Hud look like C.H.U.D., and I loved C.H.U.D."
"Satoshi, the Eater of Souls: Cookie Puss, I will eat your soul."
"Gene Shalit: (On the phone with Jay) Hi, this is Gene Shalit. I'm having a bad hair day. If you don't believe me, look out the window."
"Orson Welles: Rosebud ... Yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness... wait, that's terrible, I quit! Just a handful for the road. (Scoops up a handful of peas and starts popping them in his mouth. Is now off-screen) Oh, what luck! There's a french fry stuck in my beard! (Makes eating sounds) Oh yeah."
"Orson Welles: A rich full-bodied wine sensibly priced at a dollar a jug. And for a little magic, I will make this jug disappear. (Drinks)"
"Keanu Reeves: (In The Merchant of Venice) Hath not a dude eyes? If you prick us, do we not get bummed? If we eat bad guacamole, do we not blow chunks?"
"Adam West: Well Jay, one of my most amazing films is The Happy Hooker Goes To Hollywood. It came out in 1980, it's one I'm sure you enjoyed all the way to the end."
"Al Pacino: (On the phone) Hoo-ha! Jay, it's Al Pacino. Hoo-ha! I can't stop saying Hoo-ha! Keep that in mind when you review my next film, The Godfather Part Hoo-ha! Hoo-ha."
"William Shatner: Hello, I'm William Shatner, and this is Celebrity 911. Tonight, we devote the entire hour to police calls involving James Caan ... (Makes a face and looks up to the ceiling) CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"
"Jimmy Breslin: Tonight, we will honor the greatest writers in America with a modest 9x12 certificate and a check for three thousand dollars. Three thousand dollars?! Stephen King makes that for writing "Boo" on a cocktail napkin!"
"Dan Quayle: I'm Dan Quayle. I gotta go boom-boom."
"Ronald Reagan: I do solemnly swear that as your president, I will goof off and eat candy."
"Jon Lovitz — Jay Sherman, Woody Allen, Various"
"Christine Cavanaugh — Marty Sherman, Various"
"Nancy Cartwright — Margo Sherman, Various"
"Gerrit Graham — Franklin Sherman"
"Judith Ivey — Eleanor Sherman (née Wigglesworth)"
"Doris Grau — Doris Grossman"
"Maurice LaMarche — Jeremy Hawke, Shackleford, Principal Mangosuthu, Orson Welles, Howard Stern, Various"
"Nick Jameson — Vlada Veramirovich, Zoltan Veramirovich, Various"
"Brenda Vaccaro — Ardeth (season 1)"
"Rhea Perlman — Ardeth (season 2)"
"Charles Napier — Duke Phillips"
"Park Overall — Alice Tompkins"
"Russi Taylor — Penny Tompkins"
"Kath Soucie — Various"
"Tress MacNeille — Humphrey the Hippo, Various"
"Here we were with a brand new thing that had never been done before, an animated prime-time television show. So we developed two storyboards; one was they had a helicopter of some kind and they went to the opera or whatever, and the other was Fred and Barney fighting over a swimming pool. So I go back to New York with a portfolio and two half-hour boards. And no-one would even believe that you'd dare to suggest a thing like that, I mean they looked at you and they'd think you're crazy. But slowly the word got out, and I used the presentation which took almost an hour and a half. I would go to the other two boards and tell them what they did, and do all the voices and the sounds and so-on, and I'd stagger back to the hotel and I'd collapse. The phone would ring like crazy, like one time I did Bristol-Myers, the whole company was there. When I got through I'd go back to the hotel the phone would ring and say "the president wasn't at that meeting, could you come back and do it for him." So I had many of those, one time I had two agencies, they'd fill the room I mean God about 40 people, and I did this whole show. I got to know where the laughs were, and where to hit it, nothing; dead, dead, dead. So one of the people at Screen Gems said "This is the worst, those guys...." he was so angry at them. What it was, was that there were two agencies there, and neither one was going to let the other one know they were enjoying it. But I pitched it for eight straight weeks and nobody bought it. So after sitting in New York just wearing out, you know really wearing out. Pitch, pitch, pitch, sometimes five a day. So finally on the very last day I pitched it to ABC, which was a young daring network willing to try new things, and bought the show in 15 minutes. Thank goodness, because this was the very last day and if they hadn't bought it I would have taken everything down, put it in the archives and never pitched it again. Sometimes I wake up in a cold-sweat thinking this is how close you get to disaster."
"A pen and ink disaster."
":Dante: I found a yearbook. Look, there I am in the team picture."
"Grumpy Boogie: I don't like Noogie Boogie! And I don't their Noogie music with their porch Noogie jungle Boogie beats!"
"Chauncey: I'm gonna' kill you Middle America, when you most expect it! I'm gonna' cut the brakes on your balloon!"
"[A]lthough Tartakovsky is a good storyteller, in a silent film sort of way—expressing what’s happening moment-to-moment through picture and sound rather than in dialogue—I never watched either of these programs for their plots, and I don’t re-watch them for narrative, either. I re-watch them for the same reason that I visit art museums, attend live concerts, and pause during journeys from point A to point B in New York to watch dancers, acrobats, or street musicians: because I appreciate virtuosity for its own sake. And that’s what Tartakovsky’s Clone Wars and Samurai Jack give you, scene for scene and shot for shot .... [T]he plot was never the point. It was always about the visual music that Tartakovsky, his designers, and his animators created onscreen."
"Bruce Wayne / Batman - voiced by"
"Tatsu Yamashiro / Katana - voiced by"
"Alfred Pennyworth - voiced by"
"Lieutenant/Commissioner James Gordon - voiced by"
"Barbara Gordon / Oracle - voiced by"
"Harvey Dent - voiced by"
"Anarky - voiced by"
"Ra's al Ghul - voiced by"
"Dane Lisslow / Deathstroke - voiced by"
"Dr. Jason Burr - voiced by"
"Lady Shiva - voiced by"
"Mister Toad - voiced by"
"Professor Pyg - voiced by"
"Magpie - voiced by"
"Tobias Whale - voiced by"
"Humpty Dumpty - voiced by"
"Silver Monkey - voiced by"
"Phosphorus Rex - voiced by"
"Killer Croc - voiced by"
"Junkyard Dog - voiced by"
"Daedalus - voiced by"
"Man-Bat - voiced by"
"Metamorpho - voiced by"
"Mayor Marion Grange - voiced by"
"Dr. Ava Kirk - voiced by"
"Dr. Bethany Ravencroft - voiced by"
"Creed Courtman - voiced by"
"Simon Stagg - voiced by"
"Michael Holt - voiced by"
"Sapphire Stagg - voiced by"
"Dr. Anatol Mykros - voiced by"
"Icepick Joe - voiced by"
"Jocelyn Kilroy - voiced by"
"Officer Dunbrowski - voiced by"
"Young Bruce Wayne - voiced by"
"– Eric T. Duckman"
"– Cornfed Pig"
"– Aunt Bernice/Aunt Beverly/Beatrice"
"/ – Charles"
"Seth Meyers as Prock, Professor Astounding"
"Ike Barinholtz as Muscleman, Czechmate"
"Emily Spivey as Concierge, Infobitch"
"Taran Killam as Frantic, Black Irish, Kid Meth"
"Paula Pell as Gadget Gal, Mercenary Moll"
"Kenan Thompson as Impresario, Mrs. Sullivan, Impresario Clone, The Conjurer"
"Bobby Lee as Tim/Sumo, Bad Dragon"
"Rashida Jones as Hotwire/Metal Fella, Other Hotwire"
"Bill Hader as Dr. Giuseppe Malocchio"
"Josh Meyers as Perfect Man, Flying Dutchman"
"Rachel Dratch as Joyce Mandrake/Fireplug, Tom Boy"
"Steve Higgins as Mr. Awesome"
"Will Forte as Giuseppe Malocchio Jr."
"Maya Rudolph as Lady Malocchio"
"Kate McKinnon as Lola Gold/The Agravator, Mademoiselle Hunchback"
"Colin Quinn as Elliot Levy-Apelstein"
"Bobby Moynihan as Dr. Turfenpeltz, Handy Man, Pablo, Fake Santa Claus/Animal Control, Hotwings, Toolbox, Teleportation Larry, Made Man, Ricky Finn, Paul, The Wombat, The Gopher King, The Blinker, Mr. Balloon, The Three Dopes, Bird Master, Globo, Greg"
"Jill Benjamin as Musclegirl"
"Andy Samberg as Seaman"
"Cecily Strong as Tim's Mother/Dine"
"Mike O'Gorman as Tim's Father/Dash"
"Vanessa Bayer as Dr. Jill Stein-Awesome-Kaplan"
"Chris Kattan as Indiana Johnson"
"Horatio Sanz as The GayFather"
"John Lutz as Mr. Stone"
"Maxx: The skinny one’s Teego. The Big one’s fridge. They beat people up, take their money, kill them sometimes. The cab driver gets a third. One woman, they beat her head so hard against the sidewalk, they crack the concrete. Another got away by running three blocks on a broken foot. Sometimes that’s the only way people get saved, suicidal bravery. Sometimes it’s luck that saves them. Sometimes it’s fate. Yeah, usually it’s fate… But, sometimes, it’s me."
"Maxx: Oh God. It’s started again. The pounding. God I wish I was a drunk. At least that would explain this!"
"Maxx: Starting to fade…it’s starting to come back to me now…back to Australia. Not the Australia they teach you about…Melbourne, Sydney, The Outback… No the real Australia. The smoking caves. The gods who eat mountains, the flying dragons, the rivers of gold, the Leopard Queen. Taunting me…almost an enemy…beautiful and feral as the great beasts she runs with, still she inspires me… For her I can be… …A hero!"
"Julie: Hi, Ocono. You gotta package here for me?"
"Maxx: The woman I saved yesterday was raped and mutilated, it said so on the news. I have to do something about that."
"Mr. Gone: Amazing…You really don’t remember any of it! Not the girl or the !sz or the bloodworms or me."
"Mr. Gone: Give it up Br’er Lappin! You…gasp… know Julie Winters is the one I want! She’s….wheezz the strong one…The one who pulls …hant your strings!"
"Mr. Gone: You really don’t remember anything important, do you Br’er lappin? I’m Mr. Gone!...A student of the mystic arts. Unfortunately an untalented student, or I wouldn’t have to keep shooting fools like you."
"Maxx: Blacking out…lost too much blood…pain…have to find…Julia… It feels good to run and leap again! To feel the soft loam under my heels! To know tat I am king in this savage place…but even a king must have his jungle queen! If I can just find her, then everything will be all right."
"Mr. Gone: I ran into your friend Maxx today, Julie. He still hasn’t got a clue that you’re the key to all this. He thinks he’s some kind of superhero on this world. Can you ‘’’imagine?’’’’ I killed him of course. Shot him and locked him in a dumpster with a handful of the dark Ises. They turn meat-eaters when you bring them over. Did you know that? Ahh….life is good! This Ises are pretty interesting…Did you know that to humans they appear as whatever you dress them as?"
"Julie: Oh, Gawwwd! Let me guess! I’m supposed to be dressed as every cheer leader, prom queen and circus acrobat who ever turned you down for a date! And as I beg and whimper you finally achieve some sort of tawdry sexual revenge?"
"Julie: If all this baroque posturing is supposed to be threatening me, it’s pretty lamo-o. I mean, you can kill me sure…so can every crackhead on my block…nut you sure aren’t scaring me me!"
"Maxx: Dead. I awoke from the daydream of the wild place and teeth were at my throat! So I awoke and slew. But Julie is still kidnapped and the Jungle Queen is insane! I didn’t protect either of them. I failed. I wish it was time for Cheers but it’s not. It’s time for vengeance!"
"Maxx: The pounding in my head is like an ice pick, but I can’t stop! One minute I saw Julie Winters in my mind, dressed as the Leopard Queen and insane…The next I was back here, still chasing this little monster! The gawkers glare at me. Since to them the Isz looks like a 96 year old grand mother…But I know it is a tool of the evil sorcerer, Mr. Gone, who is a serial rapist and murderer! He will destroy the city unless I stop him! Of course, maybe they are all staring at me cause I think I just said that all of that out loud, oops ."
"Maxx: I hate to wake up to someone else’s nightmare. I especially hate waking up in someone else’s bathroom. And what’s worse, that bathroom has leaky pipes! I don’t know why I know this is a bathroom. I am king of the wildplaces. I shouldn’t know anything, about pipes and gashets and traps and valves…but I do. Just like I know that dream was not my dream! It belonged to the Leopard Queen, in some way I can’t explain."
"Mr. Gone: You see, I know about the dream… about the doll…about everything! I know who you really are…Who you were before you found the mask lying in the mud, and what you are now, behind the mask, though you’ve been too cowardly to look!"
"Maxx (thinking): Gone told me how three years ago a young architectural student was beaten and raped and left for dead."
"Pain lasts, kid. It's how you know you're alive. Sometimes I think this growing up thing is just pain management."
"To be first in the soil, which erupts in the coil, of trees veins and grasses all brought to a boil. Wait, it's different somehow, cause this land isn't mine, and my brain has been freed, I'm not thinking in... poetry stuff."
"The others cry out for you, Julie Winters. Their screams of agony are the kisses I place along your neck."
"I'm Mr. Gone, a student of the mystic arts! Unfortunately, an untalented student, or else I wouldn't have to keep shooting fools like you."
"Somebody once said that a liberal is a conservative that's never been mugged. A few years ago I would have laughed. But today, I'm not so sure."
"This doll is telling me things I don't want to hear and if it doesn't shut up in going brush it's head, I'm going to brush and brush until I brush off it's head."
"Cartoons are so pretentious."
"I can't believe you want to get involved in that censorship crap."
"They're all necro-nerds and Sand freaks. They think death is romantic. Death is hard and cold and ugly, not some cute chick."
"Did my saying that shock you? GOOD! Writers are supposed to shock people."
"No matter how low you are on the food chain, there's always somebody lower."
"I was sitting under the Jones Street underpass yesterday. That's because I want to be a writer and writers gotta have experiences, like underpasses."
"Life is pretty pathetic when even your own hallucinations lie to you."
"What a cruel world, letting something this profound be conveyed in words this trite!"
"I'm that part of you that escapes, Julie. I reflect what's deep inside, the image of strength and independence you felt before you were... violated. But as I absorb more misery and bitterness, I change. I fear what I am becoming, Julie. But now that you have seen this, the world can never be the same size again."
"Michael Haley as The Maxx"
"Glynnis Talken as Julie Winters and Glorie"
"Amy Danles as Sara"
"Barry Stigler as Mr. Gone"
"Jason Schwartzman as Dave"
"Andrea Martin as Pender"
"Kurtwood Smith as Jerry"
"As alluded to in the first two seasons and explicitly shown in the third season, the humans are analogous to animals in the eyes of vampires. There is commentary to be explored about Hector seen as an animal and his treatment being based upon what type of animal he represents: livestock, a beast of burden or a pet. It is refreshing to see men sexually dominated in the same serious way that women have been on screen. Though I am not condoning such actions in real life, conveying gender equality — even in the darkest ways in which film and television do — is important to elicit reactions from the viewer."
"Where the show falters isn’t in the ideas themselves, but how they are executed. For instance the show spends the first episode making Dracula into sympathetic character as opposed to cartoonish vil-lain with no real motivation beyond an unjustified drive to be evil. And yet, the cartoonish villain role still materializes, when it becomes apparent that the season’s true antagonist is the Church. The clergy not only invoke Dracula’s wrath by burning his wife to death as a witch, but then spend the next three episodes actively impeding anyone who might stop Dracula — for no other reason a vague notion of controlling the masses."
"Characters’ goals can turn with little more incentive than a twist of dialogue. Trevor is a selfish man and reluctant hero weighed down by his family’s legacy, at least until an old man tells him enough times that he needs to protect people from Dracula’s demons. The show is also full of people getting brutally dismembered, bleeding and vomiting. It never justifies these graphic depictions the way a show like “Game of Thrones”, might use a viscerally violent scene to create a sense of danger. Instead, the violence feels intentionally flashy and sleek."
"Impressively animated fight scenes, brutal violence, and vampiric political intrigue accost monster-hunting trio Trevor, Sypha, and Adrian in Netflix’s take on Konami’s vampire and monster-laden “Castlevania” series."
"“By giving Dracula the human dimension that he really has to have to make the story sustainable, you have to find the human element in him,” said Frederator Studios founder and executive producer Fred Seibert of the character. “Nobody is ultimately all bad. Once you know someone is bad, why spend your time with them? All of our time is precious. Committing to a film where characters are unlikeable – what’s the point?"
"The gruesome dirge, where an army of vampire and demon soldiers routinely eviscerate humans with gleeful fervor in the name of Dracula’s sorrow-fueled vendetta against the entire race, is oddly hopeful and tender. For what feels like the first time in the history of “Castlevania,” you want to root for the lord of all vampires. They took his love away, you see, and so the whole of humanity must pay."
"It could have been a simple narrative borne from the original games’ lore, sprinkled with sleek choreography and exciting battles between humanity and their vampiric nemeses – but the various personalities working on the show saw something more in the adaptation, they told Variety during a set of interviews. The show eventually came together after a painfully long development time that nearly saw it languish in obscurity."
"“I think Warren has an instinct for creating that human dimension for a character that makes you want to spend time with them even if what they ultimately do is not something that you’re supportive of,” said Seibert, which is quite obvious here – Dracula commands his armies to kill every human on sight, terrorizing them nightly to punish the entire race for the actions of a select few, murdering women and children in the process. With Dracula’s crusade to eliminate the whole of humanity, shades of the character’s villainous history do indeed shine through. But we’re also shown the immense pain and immeasurable bleakness that he must feel, knowing he’s doomed to an eternity without, quite possibly, the only one he’s ever loved at his side."
"Richard Armitage as Trevor Belmont"
"James Callis as Alucard"
"Graham McTavish as Vlad Dracula Tepes"
"Alejandra Reynoso as Sypha Belnades"
"Tony Amendola as The Elder"
"Matt Frewer as The Bishop"
"Emily Swallow as Lisa Tepes"
"Theo James as Hector"
"Adetokumboh M'Cormack as Isaac"
"Peter Stormare as Godbrand"
"Jaime Murray as Carmilla"
"Bill Nighy as St. Germain"
"Jessica Brown Findlay as Lenore"
"Ivana Milicevic as Striga"
"Yasmine Al Massri as Morana"
"Malcolm McDowell as Varney"
"Titus Welliver as Ratko"
"Marsha Thomason as Greta"
"I'll be dead long before you were born and I'll be dead long before you'll be dead."
"I have a giant brain that is able to reduce any complex machine into a simple yes or no answer."
"I'll spank you smartly with my spank ray."
"Bears are Crazy. They'll bite your head if you're wearing a steak on it."
"I saw a yard gnome once. It didn't scare me!"
"Dames are like mustard: they taste great on a sandwich. But when you're not eating a sandwich... they just sit there in the fridge... on a shelf... in a jar... labeled... mustard."
"Look into the eyes of justice, Your Mother. You'll never get my power bands, savvy? Batmantis and I will fight you to the end!"
"Hey, this thing on the monitor's not my mother! My room was always clean."
"Why do we always hurt the ones we love?! Why, Banjo, why?! Banjo! Banjo! BANJO!"
"Welcome back, stupid viewers! You'll watch anything! Go ahead, change the channel. You'll be back!"
"[to Jan and Jace] You rotten kids! This is all your fault! I owe you nothing! Without me, you'd be on the Herculoids' planet following Gleep and Gloop with brooms! And you two are no longer friends of mine! I'm telling that fat geek-a-nerd who does my webpage to officially list you two ingrates as enemies from now on!"
"Meatwad! Meat-dead?! Make dead meat, more like it!"
"Is this it? Is this the final battle? Has the reaper come for me at last? Is this the end... of Space Ghost?"
"I am the Lone Locust of the apocalypse. Think of me when you look to the night sky."
"I shiver with power. I ache with disease. I am Batmantis!"
"Hey! You took my soul!"
"You know, my uncle Miranda got sued once."
"– , Moltar"
"Olan Rogers as Gary Goodspeed / Mooncake / Tribore"
"Fred Armisen as KVN"
"Tom Kenny as H.U.E."
"David Tennant as Lord Commander"
"Tika Sumpter as Quinn Airgone / Nightfall"
"Steven Yeun as Little Cato"
"Coty Galloway as Avocato / Viro"
"Caleb McLaughlin as Young Gary"
"Ron Perlman as John Goodspeed"
"John DiMaggio as Dr. Bluestein / Terk / Superior Stone / Arachnitects / Additional voices"
"Shannon Purser as Shannon Thunder"
"Keith David as Bolo"
"Andy Richter as Gatekeeper"
"Conan O'Brien as Clarence / Chuck / Additional voices"
"Ron Funches as Fox"
"Ashly Burch as Ash Graven"
"Jane Lynch as A.V.A."
"Tobias Conan Trost as Order of the Twelwe Announcer / Werthrent / Henry"
"Claudia Black as Sheryl Goodspeed"
"Alan Tudyk as Todd Watson / Hushfluffles"
"Vanessa Marshall as Invictus / Helper Hula (Season 2)"
"Sanford Reilly - voiced by"
"Del Swanson and Todd Wolfschmidtmansternowitz - voiced by"
"Joe Tate and Ed Bickel - voiced by"
"Dean Earhart - voiced by"
"Felicity - voiced by"
"Cindy Reilly- voiced by"
"Dr. Heminger – voiced by"
"Brian - voiced by"
"Chuck - voiced by"
"Darryl MacPherson - voiced by"
"Wanda MacPherson - voiced by"
"Zoe MacPherson - voiced by"
"Melinda Bitterman - voiced by"
"Carl Bitterman - voiced by"
"Rodney Bitterman and Megan Bitterman - voiced by"
"Bizzy Carey - voiced by"
"Kenny and Wendell - voiced by"
"Charlie - voiced by"
"Josie - voiced by"
"Dr Gruber - voiced by"
"Johnny - voiced by"
"Mrs. Johnson - voiced by"
"Officer Murphy - voiced by"
"Hugh - voiced by"
"Louise - voiced by"
"Pablo - voiced by"
"Melinda - voiced by"
"as Bud Buckwald"
"as Ernesto Gonzalez, J.C. Gonzalez (Juan Carlos), and Pablo Barracuda"
"as Janice Buckwald and Becky Buckwald"
"as Sanford Buckwald"
"as Gert Buckwald"
"Jacqueline Piñol as Pepito Gonzalez"
"as Ruiz Gonzalez"
"as Placido Gonzalez and El Coyote"
"Damn, I'm glad that's over! Hey, Scooter! You're gonna stop giving us these whack-ass videos."
"We got a hot show for ya today."
"You know DJ Tech needs no introductions."
"Aw, Hell on earth, what the hell is this?!"
"That's my girl right there, Yeah! You go Missy!"
"Yo, Tech! That ain't cool, Man!"
"How you doing this to me, Scooter?!"
"I don't think you guys should've done that. The Man's not gonna like it!"
"Less yapping, more rapping."
"Karaz, You pulled the wrong plug!"
"Hey, What about me?!"
"We're on the air here."
"Karaz, Look what you did now! (pauses) Tech, Just play something 'till I get this fixed!"
"Okay, people! Time to make the bagel! And 5, and 4, and 3, 2, Action!"
"I used to play Q*Bert all the time, Pac-Man too. Now I played Metal Gear Soild."
"Carlito Rodriguez - Chino"
"Riggs Morales - Karaz"
"Quanzilla - Scooter"
"Scratch - DJ Tech"
"How bout'... if we drug them?! How bout'... if we blew his freaken brain's out?!"
"Yeah, but we're mice with a gun!"
"[sneaks into the Oval Office with Max] Too bad the last guy left. All he ever did in here was sleep."
"Are we men or are we mice?!"
"We're mice."
"If you don't mind me saying, you look like hell."
"Knowledge is very important Max. Socrates once wrote that it is the only good and ignorance the only evil. Excuse me... I'm gonna explode."
"Well, sometimes, in the middle of the night, I burst into flames."
"Neil Patrick Harris - Max"
"Charlie Adler - Jammett"
"Patti Deutsch - Trixie"
"Jennifer Darling - Berkeley"
"Dorian Harewood - Moze"
"Bobcat Goldthwait - Muggle"
"Frank Welker - Presidential Cats"
"Kaley Cuoco as Dr. Harleen Quinzel / Harley Quinn"
"Lake Bell as Dr. Pamela Isley / Poison Ivy"
"Diedrich Bader as Bruce Wayne / Batman"
"Alan Tudyk as Joker, Basil Karlo / Clayface, Julian Day / Calendar Man, Doctor Trap"
"Ron Funches as Nanaue / King Shark"
"Tony Hale as Dr. Edgar Cizko / Doctor Psycho, Felix Faust"
"Jason Alexander as Sy Borgman"
"J.B. Smoove as Frank the Plant"
"Matt Oberg as Charles "Chuck" Brown / Kite Man, Waylon Jones / Killer Croc, Anatoly Knyazev / KGBeast"
"Christopher Meloni as Commissioner James Gordon"
"Andy Daly as Harvey Dent / Two-Face"
"Jim Rash as Edward Nygma / The Riddler"
"James Adomian as Bane, Ratcatcher, Chaz, Ian"
"Briana Cuoco as Barbara Gordon / Batgirl"
"Giancarlo Esposito as Lex Luthor"
"Rahul Kohli as Jonathan Crane / The Scarecrow"
"Wayne Knight as Oswald Cobblepot / The Penguin"
"Jacob Tremblay as Damian Wayne / Robin"
"Wanda Sykes as Queen of Fables"
"James Wolk as Kal-El / Clark Kent / Superman"
"Vanessa Marshall as Princess Diana / Wonder Woman"
"Chris Diamanatopoulos as Arthur Curry / Aquaman"
"Alfred Molina as Victor Fries / Mr. Freeze"
"Sanaa Lathan as Selina Kyle / Catwoman"
"Natalie Morales as Lois Lane"
"Tom Hollander as Alfred Pennyworth"
"Michael Ironside as Darkseid"
"Rachel Dratch as Nora Fries, Queen Hippolyta"
"Brad Morris as Victor Zsasz"
"Sean Giambrone as Joshua Cobblepot"
"Susie Essman as Sharon Quinzel"
"Justina Machado as Bethany"
"Mary Holland as Jennifer, Tabitha"
"Mike Tyson (voiced by himself)"
"Pigeon (voiced by Norm Macdonald)"
"Yung Hee Tyson (voiced by Rachel Ramras)"
"Marquess of Queensberry (voiced by Jim Rash)"
"as Mari McCabe / Vixen"
"as Mari's foster father."
"as Professor Macalester"
"Matt Ryan as John Constantine"
"Damian O'Hare as Chas Chandler"
"Laura Bailey as Asa the Healer / Nightmare Nurse, Trish"
"Emily O'Brien as Renee Chandler"
"Rachel Kimsey as Angela the Queen of Angels, The Plane Announcer"
"Robin Atkin Downes as Butler, Nergal"
"Jim Meskimen as Beroul / Nergal, Cheleb, Quedbas"
"Kevin Michael Richardson as Mahonin, Old Man possessed by Angela"
"Rick D. Wasserman as Mictlantecuhtl"
"Gerald Goode (voiced by )"
"Helen Goode (voiced by )"
"Ubuntu Goode (voiced by )"
"Bliss Goode (voiced by )"
"Che (voiced by )"
"Charlie (voiced by )"
"Justin Roiland - Korvo"
"Dan Stevens - Korvo"
"Thomas Middleditch - Terry"
"Sean Giambrone - Yumyulack"
"Mary Mack - Jesse"
"Sagan McMahan - The Pupa"
"Tiffany Haddish - Aisha"
"Alfred Molina - The Duke"
"Andrew Daly - Tim"
"Christina Hendricks - Cherie"
"Jason Mantzoukas - Vanbo"
"as Joshua "Josh" Singleton"
"as Emily Ramirez"
"as Candice Ramirez-Singleton"
"as Alex Dorpenberger"
"as Bridgette Hashima"
"as Pearle Watson"
"as Randy Watson"
"Steven Yeun as Mark Grayson / Invincible, Alternate Invincibles"
"Gillian Jacobs as Samantha Eve "Sam" Wilkins / Atom Eve / Phase One"
"Sandra Oh as Deborah "Debbie" Grayson"
"J. K. Simmons as Nowl-Ahn / Nolan Grayson / Omni-Man"
"Andrew Rannells as William Clockwell"
"Walton Goggins as Cecil Stedman"
"Chris Diamantopoulos as Donald Ferguson, Doc Seismic, Unnamed Male / Green Ghost, Dr. Rodgers, Vidor"
"Zachary Quinto as Robot"
"Ross Marquand as Rudolph "Rudy" Connors, The Immortal, Aquarus, Bi-Plane, Kursk"
"Jason Mantzoukas as Rex Sloan / Rex Splode"
"Malese Jow as Kate Cha / Dupli-Kate, Iguana"
"Grey Griffin as Amanda / Monster Girl (human form), Rachel / Shrinking Rae, Olga, Elizabeth "Betsy" Wilkins, Polly, Thula, additional roles"
"Kevin Michael Richardson as Monster Girl (monster form), Mauler Twins"
"Khary Payton as Markus Grimshaw / Black Samson, Kyle"
"Jay Pharoah as Zandale Randolph / Bulletproof, Komodo Dragon"
"Ben Schwartz as The Shapesmith, Rus Livingston"
"Zazie Beetz as Amber Bennett"
"Mark Hamill as Arthur "Art" Rosenbaum"
"Clancy Brown as Damian Darkblood, General Kregg, Ka-Hor"
"Sterling K. Brown as Angstrom Levy"
"Seth Rogen as Allen the Alien"
"Tatiana Maslany as Telia, Queen Lizard, Queen Aquaria"
"Fred Tatasciore as Kill Cannon, Adam Wilkins, Supreme Lizard, Giant, additional roles"
"Jon Hamm as Steve"
"Max Burkholder as Matt"
"Lauren Cohan as Holly / War Woman"
"Sonequa Martin-Green as Alana / Green Ghost"
"Chad Coleman as Martian Man"
"Michael Cudlitz as Josef / Red Rush"
"Lennie James as Darkwing"
"Mae Whitman as Connie"
"Reginald VelJohnson as Principal Winslow, Tether Tyrant"
"Mahershala Ali as Titan"
"Nicole Byer as Vanessa, Fiona"
"Michael Dorn as Thokk / Battle Beast"
"Djimon Hounsou as Slash, Martian Emperor"
"Jeffrey Donovan as Machine Head"
"Peter Cullen as Thaedus"
"Ezra Miller as D.A. Sinclair (Season 1)"
"Eric Bauza as D.A. Sinclair (Season 2)"
"Jonathan Groff as Rick Sheridan (Season 1)"
"Luke Macfarlane as Rick Sheridan (Season 2)"
"Justin Roiland as Doug Cheston"
"Scoot McNairy as King Lizard"
"Phil LaMarr as Salamander, Lucan"
"Stephen Root as Dr. Elias Brandyworth"
"Lance Reddick as Steven Erickson"
"Cleveland Berto as Benjamin Taylor / Nightboy / Darkwing II"
"Cliff Curtis as Paul"
"Daveed Diggs as Theo"
"Lea Thompson as Carol"
"Rob Delaney as Nuolzot"
"Paul F. Tompkins as the Narrator (from episodes "This Missive, This Machination!" & "You Were My Hero")"
"Rhea Seehorn as Andressa"
"Zehra Fazal as Louise"
"Micah Aliling as Louise's Daughter"
"Lincoln Bodin as Oliver Grayson"
"Tim Robinson as Filip Schaff"
"Kari Wahlgren as Catlin Stedman, Denise Ferguson"
"Calista Flockhart as April Howsam"
"Shantel VanSanten as Anissa"
"Chloe Bennet as Riley"
"Camden Coley as Angstrom Jr."
"Josh Keaton as Agent Spider / Jogger"
"Ella Purnell as Jane"
"Gary Anthony Williams as additional roles"
"Jeffrey Dean Morgan as Conquest"
"Laura Bailey as Vex'ahlia "Vex" Vessar"
"Taliesin Jaffe as Percival "Percy" Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III, Lord de Rolo"
"Ashley Johnson as Pike Trickfoot"
"Matthew Mercer as Trinket, Lord Sylas Briarwood, Orthax, Umbrasyl, Artagan, Dr. Dranzel, additional voices"
"Liam O'Brien as Vax'ildan "Vax" Vessar, Vorugal"
"Marisha Ray as Keyleth of the Air Ashari"
"Sam Riegel as Scanlan Shorthalt"
"Travis Willingham as Grog Strongjaw"
"Stephanie Beatriz as Lady Kima of Vord"
"Khary Payton as Sovereign Uriel Tal'Dorei"
"David Tennant as Brimscythe, the Iron Storm/General Krieg"
"Indira Varma as Lady Allura Vysoren"
"Grey Griffin as Delilah Briarwood"
"Sunil Malhotra as Shaun Gilmore"
"Eugene Byrd as Jarrett Howarth"
"Darin De Paul as Kerrion Stonefell"
"Rory McCann as Duke Vedmire"
"Stephen Root as Professor Anders"
"Dominic Monaghan as Archibald Desnay"
"Gina Torres as Keeper Yennen"
"Esmé Creed-Miles as Cassandra de Rolo"
"Tracie Thoms as the Everlight"
"Kelly Hu as Dr. Anna Ripley"
"Demari Hunte — Alflie"
"Tom Milligan — Dimitri"
"Peta Johnson — Morgan Le Fay"
"Ron Bottita — Lord Edward"
"Rosalind Ayres — Lady Katherine"
"Grey DeLisle — Clarice Leydoux"
"Alain Uy — Lao Xi Sheng"
"— The Inspector General"
"Chris Butler — Dashwood"
"David McCusker — Gobi"
"Grey DeLisle — The Necromancer"
"— Rakashasa"
"Nick Offerman as Beef Tobin"
"Jenny Slate as Judy Tobin"
"Ragin' Fun"
"A Pox on Your Pox"
"Escape to Tooth Mountain"
"Deer Uncle Gerald"
"I Can Smell That Cheep Clone from Here"
"Dylan Crushes Reading"
"Winter Is Staying"
"Shame on Pee"
"Shell Raiser"
"On Golan Pond"
"Golan the Impregnable"
"Matt Oberg as Charles "Chuck" Brown / Kite Man"
"Stephanie Hsu as Lisa Snart / Golden Glider, Stephanie Brown / Spoiler"
"James Adomian as Bane"
"Jonathan Banks as Noonan"
"Lance Reddick as Lex Luthor (Season 1)"
"Michael Imperioli as Joe/Moe Dubelz"
"Natasia Demetriou as Malice"
"Judith Light as Helen Villigan"
"Janelle James as Queen of Fables"
"Rory Scovel as Gus the Goon"
"Keith David as Darkseid"
"Maria Bamford as Baby Doll"
"Phil LaMarr as Detective Chimp, DeSaad, Black Manta"
"Andy Daly as Darryl Brown, Sinestro"
"Dee Bradley Baker as Chessure"
"Lake Bell as Dr. Pamela Isley / Poison Ivy, Barbara Ann Minerva / Cheetah"
"Tisha Campbell as Tawny Young"