Sitcoms

"Marian: Rabies, what's thick and chops down trees? Rabies: Erm, me. Marian: Correct."

"Marian: Robin, do stop talking in that silly voice. One of these days we're going to be famous, and our story will be told all over the world in moving picture galleries. It's going to look really stupid if we're all nicely spoken and you're gibbering on like a posey cowboy, isn't it."

"Sheriff: Sew up my elephant! Gladys: Pardon? Sheriff: Sew up my elephant! Gladys: What you said doesn't make any sense! Why ... don't... you... take... another... look... at your... phrase... book"

"Sheriff: [singing] From the moment I saw you I swore you would make me foolhardy How I wanted to loosen your hair And to take off your... cardy! There's never been a moment like this! Of absolute bliss! I've been pierced, I've been pierced I've been pierced, I've been pierced I've been pierced through the heart by your eyes!"

"Marian: How about laying a patio? Snooker: I couldn't handle the pain. Marian: Pardon? Snooker: Have you seen the face of a chicken when it lays an egg? And a patio is like 100 times bigger! NO, thank you."

"Robin: See! I set fire to your underpants!"

"Marian: Stop! One false move and I'll run this man through! Sheriff: Oh goodness me. What a terrible threat. Let's all put our weapons back in their cases and go home, shall we. Are you mad?? Do you think I have the slightest interest in that worm's life?? I've seen more interesting faces on the wrong end of a donkey!! Guards - Kill her! And if he gets in the way, hack him to pieces!! Marian: I said stop! Do you see what he has in his hands? King John's underpants! If he gets run through, what'll happen to them? Great big red stains! And have you ever tried to get blood out of weasel wool? It's impossible! Graeme: She's right sir! I tried it with my usual washing powder, and the stains just wouldn't shift!"

"Robin: GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY UNDERPANTS!!!"

"King John: Under what are you accused? Barrington: Selling a rat, answering back, whistling in the corridor and dumb insolence. King John: Then I find you... Guilty! Hahah hah! Barrington [sarcastically]: Aw, thanks very much! King John: And I sentence you to 500 lines, and a months torture! Barrington: Awww... I HATE lines..."

"Marian [fantasising about her plans for a freedom fighting band]: We'll have bows and arrows, and we'll hold rich travellers to ransom! Robin: What, money you mean? Marian: Yes! And we'll give it all to the poor! Robin: I want to go home. Marian: And we'll surround ourselves with a band of highly attractive respectable young men who are just a tiny bit rough, and are dedicated to freeing our country from tyranny, and injustice, and cruelty to animals and stuff! And we'll swing through the trees on long ropes... and we'll have our own costumes, and we'll never be cross or grumpy! And we'll do these fantastically brave deeds with a merry smile on our face, and everyone will say: "Good heavens, it's those merry men! Come in and have a cup of tea! Can I have your autograph?" And nobody will dare stand against us. And our names will go down in history. And we'll be famous forever! And people will name pubs after us! What do you think? Robin: ..... .... We'll really have our own costumes? Originals I mean, not out of a catalogue? Marian: Yep! Robin: Who's going to design them? Marian: ... You? Robin: Right! You're on!"

"Guy: I'm happy as a chappy with a great big nappy!"

"Guy: I'm as clean as a queen as a washine machine! King John: You'll be as bruised as a queen as a washine machine!"

"Barrington: It's pancake day, yes it's pancake day. It's p-p-p-p-p-pancake day."

"Rabies: So, if that's Marian. And that's Robin. And that's Little Ron.... Where's Plop plop? Plop Plop: (A large purple alien) Here I am! Rabies: See, I knew there had to be a simple explanation."

"I didn't get where I am today without knowing a favourable report when I read one."

"I didn't get where I am today without knowing a real winner when I see one."

"I didn't get where I am today by selling ice cream tasting of bookends, pumice stone and West Germany."

"I didn't get where I am today by waffling."

"I didn't get where I am today without learning how to compromise."

"I didn't get where I am today by biting people in the changing room."

"I didn't get where I am today without knowing the Algarve when I see it."

"I didn't get where I am today by wearing underpants decorated with Beethoven."

"I didn't get where I am today by saying 'earwig' instead of 'thank you'."

"I didn't get where I am today without having a little champagne, not too much, just enough."

"I didn't get where I am today by talking about Dutch parking meter disease!"

"I didn't get where I am today by shaking hands with the person on my right!"

"I didn't get where I am today without getting letters from cranks."

"I didn't get where I am today without making enemies."

"I didn't get where I am today wondering what life's all about."

"I didn't get where I am today by thinking."

"I didn't get where I am today by going on and on about gumboots."

"I didn't get where I am today by knowing the difference between one foreign country and another."

"I didn't get where I am today without knowing there's no fun in getting where I am today."

"I didn't get where I am today without naming it the 'Reginald Perrin Memorial Foundation'."

"I didn't get where I am today trusting the easy chairs."

"I didn't get where I am today by having lipstick on my face."

"I didn't get where I am today by posing as my long lost friend from the Argentine."

"I could practically destroy this firm if I started caring about people. I didn't get where I am today by caring about people."

"I didn't get where I am today by making room for broken reeds, lame ducks or stool pigeons."

"I didn't get where I am today indulging in hanky panky."

"I didn't get where I am today without recognising a front when I see one."

"I didn't get where I am today without recognising another front when I see one."

"I didn't get where I am today by having two black eyes."

"I didn't get where I am today by telling the truth."

"I didn't get where I am today without knowing a slight wobble when I enter one."

"I didn't get where I am today without knowing Grot will be a success."

"I didn't get where I am today without recognising another slight wobble when I enter one."

"I didn't get where you are today without knowing the night is darkest before the storm."

"I didn't get where you are today without being a bit of a stickler for offices."

"I didn't get where I am today without recognising "promising inroads" when I see them."

"I didn't get where I am today by having Irish labourers promoted over my head."

"I didn't get where I am today without recognising a completely useless machine when I see one."

"I didn't get where I am today by serving Welsh people."

"I didn't get where I am today by calling it Grotfabrieken Rubbishhausen."

"I didn't get where I am today without asking for 10p for a cup of tea, Guv."

"I didn't get where I am today by being nice."

"I didn't get where I am today without recognising a rib-tickling play on words when I hear one."

"I didn't get where I am today by having green frogs thrust down my crotch."

"I didn't get where I am today by changing nappies."

"I didn't get where I am today without recognising a person who doesn't pull his weight."

"I didn't get where I am today by telling undertakers from anyone else."

"I didn't get where I am today listening to married couples squabble like children."

"I didn't get where I am today learning about the 'them and us' situation which bedevils British industry so tragically."

"I didn't get where I am today by sleeping with sweaty, Caledonian chefs."

"I didn't get where I am today without recognising Success City, Arizona when I see it."

"I didn't get where I am today by tearing money into small pieces!"

"I didn't get where I am today by touching everybody!"

"I didn't gergle where I am todergle without recognising a mergle that looks like rain when I see one."

"I didn't get where I am today by playing 'mothers and fathers'."

"I didn't get where I am today by looking a gift horse in the mouth. Or by going down with a sinking ship."

"I didn't get where I am today by drinking a liquid that's only been tested on pencils."

"I didn't get where I am today by being disguised as half a compost heap!"

"I didn't get where I am today by everything smelling of a Bolivian unicyclist's jockstrap!"

"I didn't get where I am today without knowing God moves in mysterious ways."

"I didn't get where I am today by looking a gift horse in the bush."

"I didn't get where I am today without being pleased to come."

"I didn't get where I am today by being absurd."

"I didn't get where I am today by throwing money into the hands of overpaid lawyers."

"I didn't get where I am today by sounding like a cheese."

"I didn't get where I am today by pouring cold water over a wet blanket."

"I didn't get where I am today without being able to see which way the wind is blowing."

"I didn't get where I am today by comparing Jimmy to Sir Winston Churchill."

"I didn't get where I am today without knowing a burglar type when I see one."

"I didn't get where I am today by sweating my guts out over a bloodless revolution."

"I didn't get where I am today without striking while the bird in the hand is hot."

"I didn't get where I am today by apologising."

"I didn't get where I am today by using and discarding people like old socks."

"I didn't get where I am today by taking over the government."

"I didn't get where I am today by caring about ginger-headed strangers."

"I didn't get where I am today feeling like a fish out of water but you can't make him drink."

"I didn't get where I am today without spending lolly to earn even more lolly."

"I didn't get where I am today by being a good chap."

"I didn't get where I am today by booking more coaches."

"I didn't get where I am today without knowing a shrewd idea when I hear one."

"I didn't get where I am today without knowing this is the age of the media."

"I didn't get where I am today without the Lake District is full."

"I didn't get where I am today without wondering who has betrayed us."

"I didn't get where I am today by being upset by being 'sent to Birmingham'."

"Proliferation is the thief of time"

"What the eye doesn't see is goose for the gander"

"There's no smoke without the worm turning"

"It's the early bird who catches the quick brown fox"

"No need to beat around the mulberry bush"

"Let's hope I'm not a fait accompli worse than death"

"CJ: "Absence is better than a cure." Reggie: "Prevention makes the heart grow fonder.""

""After all, the proof of the pudding is caviar to the general" (spoken by Reggie, not CJ)"

"...a different kettle of fish out of water"

"The only good ringer's a dead ringer"

"...the pot calling the kettle a silver lining"

"It's a long lane that gathers no moss"

"Sacrifice never killed the cat"

"Every silver lining has a cloud"

"Out of the mouths of babes and little children"

"Run it up the flagpole, see if the rats desert a sinking ship"

"...spoil the ship for a ha'peth of spilt milk"

"Trumpet call of duty"

"The ugly duckling that prevented the goose from laying the golden egg"

"The morning after the Lord Mayor's show before"

"It's never too late for a leopard to change horses in midstream"

"Never outstay your doodah"

"In and out like lamb's tails"

"Leave no worm unturned"

"The only good ringer is a dead ringer."

"I'm not an ostrich who buries his head under a bushel"

"Good news is better than no broth"

"The early bird catches a cold"

"...burnt your cakes..."

"Not that I'm counting my chickens before they spoil the broth"

"Never look a gift horse in the bush"

"...the exception that closes the stable door"

"Nine's company, ten's a crowd"

"I'm drawn to clichés like a moth to a long lane"

"I don't want to pour cold water on a wet blanket"

"That's the fly in the woodpile"

"We'll cross those legs when we come to them"

"Correct me if I've got the wrong end of the gist"

"You can't tell a book by its silver lining"

"That's the pot calling the kettle a horse of a different colour"

"The night is always darker before the mast"

"If at first you don't succeed, you'll catch the early worm"

"We've put the cart before the egg"

"I believe in striking while the bird in the hand is hot"

"The theft of invention is the mother and father of a lie"

"...a square peg in a round poke"

"If at first you don't succeed, then the mountain must go to Mahomed"

"Time is the procrastination of thieves"

"I want the whole thing caught in the bud"

"Have I put the cat in the china shop?"

"The pigeons are well and truly out of the bag"

"A leopard never changes his spots twice in the same place"

"You've opened a whole new can of pots, calling the kettle by another name"

"I feel like a fish out of water, but can't make him drink"

"A rose by any other name sometimes changes its spots"

"We're putting the cart before the trees"

"So I'm sent to Birmingham?"

"People who live in glass houses shouldn't cast beams into the moat"

"We couldn't see the broth for the trees because of all the cooks"

"Eleven minutes late, staff difficulties, Hampton Wick."

"Eleven minutes late, signal failure at Vauxhall."

"Eleven minutes late, staff shortages, Nine Elms."

"Eleven minutes late, derailment of container truck, Raynes Park."

"Eleven minutes late, seasonal manpower shortages, Clapham Junction."

"Eleven minutes late, defective junction box, New Malden."

"Eleven minutes late, overheated axle at Berrylands."

"Eleven minutes late, defective axle at Wandsworth."

"Eleven minutes late, somebody had stolen the lines at Surbiton."

"Seventeen minutes late, defective bogey at Earlsfield."

"Seventeen minutes late, water seeping through the cables at Effingham Junction - there was a lot of Effingham and a good deal of Blindingham!"

"Twenty-two minutes late, black ice at Norbiton."

"Twenty-two minutes late, obstacles on the line at Berrylands."

"Twenty-two minutes late, badger ate a junction box at New Malden."

"Twenty-two minutes late, fed up by train delays, came by bike. Slow puncture at Peckham."

"Twenty-two minutes late, escaped puma, Chessington North."

""Great!" (series 1&2)"

""Knockout!" (series 3)"

"Dramatic happenings in Jelly City"

"Sensations in Triflesville"

"Panic City"

"Rushed-off-our-feetsville"

"Success City, Arizona"

"Cards-on-the-tablesville"

"Crudesville, Arizona"

"Good Newsville, Arizona"

"Culture City, Arizona"

"Titty City, Arizona"

"Aggression City, Arizona"

"Machismoville, Wyoming"

"Dullsville, Arizona"

"Bad News City, Arizona"

"Results City, Arizona"

"Ciao City, Arizona"

"Gatheringville, Arizona"

"Generosityville, Arizona"

"I'm not a heat person"

"I'm a fish person"

"I'm not a cricket person"

"I'm a coffee person"

"I'm not a mystery person"

"I'm not a cork person"

"I'm not a basket person"

"I'm not a thanks person"

"I'm not a pig person"

"I'm a cold and wet person"

"I'm not really a campaign person"

"I'm not really a slogan person"

"I'm a publicity person"

"I'm not a flower person"

"I'm not a champagne person"

"I'm a happiness person"

"I'm not a sport person"

"I'm not a joke person"

"I'm not a 'pulling my weight' person"

"I'm very much a house-buying person"

"I'm are people people person"

"I'm not a 'testing things on animals' person"

"I'm not a goodbye person"

"I'm not a money person"

"I'm not an absurdity person"

"I'm not a commitment person"

"I'm not a Greek dancing person"

"I'm not a pomposity person"

"I'm a maturity person"

"I'm not a slogan person"

"I'm a traditional jazz band person"

"Banana gin"

"Pineapple gin"

"Passion fruit"

"Fig nouveau"

"Cauliflower Chardonnay"

"Official Reginald Perrin web site at LeonardRossiter.com"

"Nicholas Burns – Nathan Barley"

"Julian Barratt – Dan Ashcroft"

"Claire Keelan – Claire Ashcroft"

"Richard Ayoade – Ned Smanks"

"Ben Whishaw - Pingu"

"Rhys Thomas - Toby"

"Noel Fielding - Jones"

"Spencer Brown - Rufus Onslatt"

"Charlie Condou - Jonatton Yeah?"

"David Hoyle - Doug Rocket"

"Nina Sosanya – Sasha"

"Kevin Eldon - Nikolai the Barber"

"Julia Davis - Honda Poppet"

"Benedict Cumberbatch - Robin"

"Paul Campbell - Terry"

"Ryan Belleville - Pete"

"Dave Hemstad - Dan"

"Lauren Ash - Bernie"

"Meghan Heffern - Candi"

"Athena Karkanis - Rayna"

"Colin Mochrie - Boyd"