251 quotes found
"How are you? You look awfully nice tonight. Hmm? Maybe don't wear a bra next time. No, I was talking to you. No, not her. I don't know her name. What is it? Lanolin. La - Lanolin? Like - like sheep's wool?"
"Mm, I love scotch. I love Scotch. Scotchy, Scotch, Scotch. Here it goes down. Down into my belly. Mm-mm-mm."
"The arsonist has oddly shaped feet."
"Oh, come on. Audrey. I look like hell. I got bags under my eyes. What's that? Well, if you were a man, I would punch you. I'd punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league."
"[clears throat] The Human Torch was denied a bank loan."
"Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy, and this is what's happening in your world tonight. A La Jolla man clings to life at a university hospital after being viciously attacked by a pack of wild dogs in an abandoned pool."
"For all of us here at News Center Four, I'm Ron Burgundy. You stay classy, San Diego."
"Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention? I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you to stop what you're doing and listen. Cannonball!"
"[upon seeing Veronica Corningstone for the first time] By the beard of Zeus!"
"[to Baxter] Yoo-hoo! [clears throat] Baxter! Papa's home. There he is. There's my little man. You're okay? O - Of course, I met a lady tonight. This one was different. I have to be honest. Quite different. What? I'm lonely? I'm not lonely! I - I'm beloved by everyone in San Diego. Wow. You know how to cut to the core of me, Baxter. You're so wise. [laughs] You're like a miniature Buddha covered in hair. Come again? You know I don't speak Spanish. In English, please. Huh? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole . . . wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? It's actually - I'm not even mad. That's amazing. [laughs again] I forgive you. What do you say we get you in your PJs and we hit the hay? Huh? Bedtime. Okay, come on. Let's go. Come on."
"[to Brian Fantana] “We've been coming to the same party for 12 years now...and in no way is that depressing.”"
"I know that one day, Veronica and I are gonna get married on top of a mountain. And there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance 'til the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside, and you won't be invited!"
"It's so damn hot . . . milk was a bad choice!"
"By the hymen of Olivia Newton John!"
"Knights of Columbus that hurt!"
"[voiceover, after witnessing the sexism exhibited by the news team] Huh, here we go again. Every station, it's the same. Women ask me how I put up with it. Well, the truth is, I don't really have a choice. This is definitely a man's world. But while they're laughing and grab-assing, I'm chasing down leads and practicing my non-regional diction. Because the only way to win is to be the best. The very best."
"People call me the Bri-man. I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself, and the answer is yes, I have a nickname for my penis. It's called the Octagon. But I also nicknamed my testes. My left one is James Westfall, and my right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right, you just might get to meet the whole gang."
"It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good. They've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time."
"Champ here. I'm all about havin' fun. You know, get a couple of cocktails in me, start a fire in someone's kitchen. Maybe go to SeaWorld, take my pants off. Anyway, I've become kind of famous for my signature catchphrase, "Whammy!" As in, "Gene Tenace at the plate . . . and whammy!" Whammy!"
"I woke up this morning on the floor of some Japanese family's rec room, and they would not stop screaming!"
"I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite, and I'm rarely late. I like to eat ice cream, and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an IQ of 48 and am what some people call "mentally retarded.""
"[from the outtakes] I drank a lava lamp. It wasn't lava."
"[from the outtakes] I ate a whole bunch of fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like that guy said. My stomach's itchy."
"[from the outtakes] I pooped a hammer."
"[from the outtakes] I pooped a tape recorder."
"[from the outtakes] I pooped a Cornish game hen. Uh . . . [laughs] Nope."
"[on the phone] Right, but I think my son is just going through a phase. I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults. We've both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? O - Of course you haven't. How stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities. Right, I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye."
"[to Veronica Corningstone] Apparently, my son was on something called acid and was firing a bow and arrow into a crowd. You know how kids are!"
"Not so fast, you ingrates! Public News Team is taking a break from its pledge drive to kick some ass. No commercials! No mercy!"
"Como éstan, bitches! Spanish language news is here. Tonight's top story: the sewers run red with Burgundy's blood."
"[voiceover] There was a time, a time before cable, when the local anchorman reigned supreme, when people believed everything they heard on TV. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news. And in San Diego, one anchorman was more man than the rest. His name was Ron Burgundy. He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine, they made Sinatra look like a hobo. In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls."
"[voiceover] When the clock struck six, it meant one thing for Ron Burgundy and his news team: go time."
"Will Ferrell - Ronald Joseph Aaron "Ron" Burgundy"
"Christina Applegate - Veronica Corningstone"
"Paul Rudd - Brian Fantana"
"Steve Carell - Brick Tamland"
"David Koechner - Champion "Champ" Kind"
"Vince Vaughn - Wes Mantooth"
"Fred Willard - Edward "Ed" Harkin"
"Chris Parnell - Garth Holliday"
"Peanut - Baxter"
"Danny Trejo - Bartender"
"Jack Black - Motorcyclist"
"Judd Apatow - News station employee"
"Paul F. Tompkins - Cat show competition host"
"Jay Johnston - Eyewitness News team member"
"Robin Antin - Spanish Language News team member"
"Fred Armisen - Tino"
"Adam McKay - Janitor"
"Tim Robbins - Public News anchor"
"Jimmy Bennett - Tommy"
"Luke Wilson - Frank Vitchard"
"Ben Stiller - Arturo Mendez"
"Seth Rogen - Cameraman"
"Kathryn Hahn - Helen"
"Missi Pyle - Zookeeper"
"Bill Kurtis - Narrator"
"They bring you the news—so you don't have to get it yourself."
"If Ron Burgundy says it, it's the truth!"
"His news is bigger than your news."
"[running around on the track in his underwear, thinking he is on fire] Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me, Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!"
"I sent in my application to The Real World, so I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. And if that doesn't work out I'm thinking about getting a gun, and dealin' crack. Being a crack dealer. Not, like, a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly, like, "Hey, what's up guys? You want some crack?". I'm just kinda waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out."
"Hey, Jamie! Losing's never fun, but here's a little something to pick your spirits up... (flips bird) It's real nice...I got it at Target...it was on sale."
"[driving his first race] Hey, Lucius, I just wanted to share a piece of personal information with you. I've got a...a chubby right now because THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST AWESOME EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE BECAUSE I'M GETTIN' TO DRIVE A RACECAR I CAN'T BELIEVE IT OH MY GOD!!!"
"[Looking under the hood of his race car] Hot dog! I mean, that's like lookin' up Yasmine Bleeth's skirt!"
"Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin' on your mysterious lady part stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use...Maypax. The official tampon of NASCAR."
"You gotta win to get love. I mean, that's just life. Look at...look at Don Shula. Legendary coach. Look at that Asian guy who holds the world record for eatin' all those hot dogs in a row. Look at Rue McClanahan. From The Golden Girls. Three people, all great champions, all loved."
"Mr. Dennit, with all due respect, and remember I'm sayin' with all due respect, that idea ain't worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin gettin' it on."
"[doing a Big Red commercial] My friends used to call me Big Red, but I told 'em "Stop it!" 'cause there's only one Big Red in town, America's number 1 cinnamon gum. What? What did you say? That's what I thought. DICK"
"I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then fuck you."
"Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is right around the corner, and what better gift to give a loved one [pulls out knife] than this Jackhawk 9000. Available at Wal-Mart!"
"When you work on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you need the right tools too. That's why you should use [is tossed a box of tampons] Maypax. The official tampon of NASCAR."
"I like to picture my Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt. 'Cause it says like, I wanna be formal but I’m here to party too. I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party."
"Now, I've got a message for all the other drivers out there. If you smell a delicious, crispy smell after the race, it's not your tailpipe. It's just a little of Shake...and Bake!"
"[after Girard breaks Ricky's arm] Hold on a second, Mr. Fancy-Pants Foreigner. You just broke my bro's arm. Now you're 'bout to get tasered. Say hello to Dr. Watts!"
"[to Ricky, in the hospital] There's somethin' I want to get off my chest. It's about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread, man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff...I was totally nude...it was weird. I mean, you probably didn't hear about it 'cause I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow...that I spread my buttcheeks as Mike Honcho."
"I like to think of Jesus like a muscular trapeze artist."
"I like to think of Jesus like a shapeshifter, or a changeling, like that guy--You ever hear of that TV show Manimal?"
"We go together like Easter mornin' and Lyme Disease."
"We go together like suits of armor and electrical storms."
"I'm just sayin' we click, you know? We're like skateboardin' and freeway ramps."
"We go together like pigs and swimmin'."
"We go together like tuna fish and cigarettes."
"We go together like campin' trips and head lice."
"We go together like square dancin' and handguns. Right?"
"Don't make me bring the darkness. [pulls out taser]"
"We go together like cocaine and waffles."
"If you ain't first, you're last!"
"[Getting thrown out of Ricky's school] You people are in the wrong on this one! So in the wrong! This is egregious! You hear me? Egregious!"
"I saw what happened to you in that race. You saw the fear. You need to learn to drive with the fear, and there ain't nothin' more goddamn frightening than driving with a live cougar in the car."
"Hey, close the door and come in. I got weed in here, cowboy."
"[to Ricky who is delivering pizza on a bike] Hey, is that a Huffy? That's a nice-lookin' bike, boy!"
"Hell, Ricky, I was high when I said that! That makes no sense at all! "First or last"! I mean, you could be second, third, fourth--hell, you could even be fifth!"
"Daddy, you made that grace your bitch."
"I like to think of Jesus like a ninja, fightin' off evil samurai."
"[as Ricky attempts to pass Girard in a race] Send that weird man back to Indonesia!"
"You're gonna break us like wild horses, ain't you?"
"Shut up, chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!"
"Greatest generation my ass, Tom Brokaw is a punk!"
"Grandfather, can't we resolve this conflict without anger?"
"[Shouting at a neighbor's house] Shut those mutts up before I cook 'em and eat 'em!"
"What you lookin' at, Popeye?"
"Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!"
"Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!"
"One'a you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!"
"[throwing away their junk] Aw, Nana, not my prison shank."
"You look old, Granny, are you gonna die today?"
"[eating at Applebee's] It's Applebee-riffic!"
"[about being a pit crew member] Sorry, Lucius, but it's a hard habit to break, like stalking an ex-girlfriend."
"Peaches and cream!"
"Ricky, this car is like your Excalibur, the mighty sword King Arthur used to bring together the knights of the roundtable, until Lancelot betrayed him by laying with his queen [whispering] in the biblical sense."
"[After Ricky has stabbed himself in the leg] Here, we'll use this knife to pry the other one out!"
"[As Ricky races for the first time] Just remember this, Ricky: you wreck that car, that's $200,000 out of your pocket!"
"Glenn, shut up."
"Sometimes, when it's late at night, I dress up like Donna Summers. I put on the skirt, and the four inch heels...I love it. [singing] Last chance, for romance, for love....."
"Carley Bobby: [about Walker and Texas Ranger] If we wanted us some wussies, we would have named them 'Dr. Quinn' and 'Medicine Woman', okay?"
"Carley, Cal, Walker, Texas Ranger: Jenga!"
"Announcer at Racetrack: [after Girard completes a successful lap] Ladies and gentlemen, that is a new track record. As it stands now, Jean Girard is sitting on the pole - which is, of course, a statement of fact and in no way a comment on the driver's sexual orientation."
"Bill Weber: We'd like to thank you for joining us for NBC's coverage of NASCAR. Coming up next, it's "Ice Dancing To The Hits Of Motown"!"
"Bill Weber: Ricky Bobby wins! You'll never see anything like that in a hundred lifetimes! It was completely illegal and in no way will count, but, man, that was something!"
"Hershell: [about the jazz music] I want this music out of my head!"
"Kyle: [about the jazz music] Sounds like someone made a tape of somethin' dying or something!"
"Opening title card: America is all about speed. Hot, nasty, bad-ass speed. - Eleanor Roosevelt, 1936."
"Chip: As Thor said to Loki, "When you roll the dice, you pay the price.""
"The story of a man who could only count to #1."
"No One Can Handle The Curves, The Speed, The Heat, Like Ricky Bobby."
"You don't have to be quick to be fast."
"Will Ferrell - Ricky Bobby"
"Gary Cole - Reese Bobby"
"John C. Reilly - Cal Naughton, Jr."
"Sacha Baron Cohen - Jean Girard"
"Michael Clarke Duncan - Lucius Washington"
"Jane Lynch - Lucy Bobby"
"Leslie Bibb - Carley Bobby"
"Amy Adams - Susan"
"Houston Tumlin - Walker Bobby"
"Grayson Russell - Texas Ranger Bobby"
"Ted Manson - Chip"
"Jack McBrayer - Glenn"
"Greg Germann - Larry Dennit, Jr."
"Frank Welker - The Cougar."
"(Banging Dale's snare drum with his scrotum) John Bonham's playing Moby Dick for real!"
"(Playing with Dale's drumset, as he yells in one of the drums) FUCK YOU, DALE! FUCK YOU!!"
"(Sleep-talking) I'll kill you, Leonard Nimoy."
"(At Derek's birthday gathering, during his and Dale's presentation of Prestige Worldwide) Last week, we put Liquid Paper on a bee... And it died."
"(Wearing a Nazi outfit, to some home buyers) Hey, fuckers! Welcome to the neighborhood! My name is Craig. If you guys need any fertilizer, I've got a lot of it; Close to 80 tons. (to Derek, after the home buyers leave) Hey, Derek! Sprechen Sie Dick?"
"(In regards to Robert and Nancy, who are retiring, selling their residence and having him and Dale live on their own as adults) Hold on; We're not going on the boat... Derek's selling the house... We have to go therapy? (Robert nods in response) WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!?"
"(After singing for Dale, upon his request) I felt like I was hovering over my own body, watching myself sing."
"(On Christmas Day, regarding his Chewbacca mask) It's okay that mine's not movie quality."
"Will Ferrell as Brennan Huff"
"John C. Reilly as Dale Doback"
"Richard Jenkins as Robert Doback"
"Mary Steenburgen as Nancy Huff-Doback"
"How do they walk away in movies when it explodes behind them? There's no way! I call bullshit on that. When they flew the Millennium Falcon out of the Death Star and it was followed by the explosion, that was bullshit!"
"I never actually put my foot all the way down to the ground with the accelerator like that. It got me slightly aroused."
"[in a ballet school] I think we all experienced our own ballet today. A ballet of emotion, and feelings."
"[while interrogating Ershon] I'm gonna make you eat a plate of human shit!"
"You turned my beautiful Prius into a nightmare!"
"Gator needs his gat, you punk-ass BITCH!"
"Captain, you really want to disarm this guy? Take out the batteries in the calculator."
"I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly!"
"And when I come back and bust your ass, we are locking David Ershon in the Federal Reserve!"
"[while showing badge] Police, shithead!"
"Did someone call nine one HOLY SHIT?!"
"All the gun fights, all the car chases, all the sex we don't want to have with women but we have to...is all due to what you guys do. Thank you."
"Ay, ay, ay! Ay, you shut your face! If we wanna hear you talk, I will shove my arm up your ass and work your mouth like a puppet! You hear me?! You hear me?! Cast off!"
"[while flying in a car through the air towards several drug runners who are firing machine guns at him as he returns fire with a pistol in each hand] You have the right...to remain...SILENT...but I wanna hear you SCREAM!"
"This was a very clever idea."
"[with a gun pointed at him] Wait! Computers. What if one day...they were in charge?"
"Gentlemen, I can get you obstructed-view tickets for Rock of Ages. Even I admit that's not very temping, but I'm not made of tickets, goddamn it!"
"Danson and Highsmith shoot, drive, and sex with style. They're rock stars. Then you got your jokers, your ball-busters, your vets... and the other guys."
"Cops still argue to this day why Danson and Highsmith jumped. Maybe it was just pride, having survived so many brushes with death. Maybe their egoes pushed them off. I don't know. But that shit was crazy. Either way, there was a hole in New York City, and it needed to be filled."
"It was the king of the mutt cases, but Allen and Terry had worked it like stars. Within 24 hours of learning about Ershon's scheme and Lendl's massive losses, the government issued TARP funds to bail out Lendl. They were too big to fail. Ershon now resides in Palomino Federal Correctional Facility in Florida. He still invests. Currency's just different. Roger Wesley was linked to the Beaman murder by security cam footage which Martin and Fosse hadn't checked. It only showed the back of their heads. But Alan's Faceback app was able to get a match to their faces. Terry married Francine. He played harp at the reception and it was beautiful. He had learned how to play it in the eighth grade to make fun of the fairy that lived up the street. Terry asked Sheila to be his best man, but she declined. Let's be honest, we all wanna be superstars and hotshots. But guess what? The people that do the real work, the ones that make the difference, you don't see them on TV or on the front page. I'm talking about the day-in, day-outers, the grinders. Come on, man, you know who I'm talking about: the other guys."
"Listen, guys. I'm working two jobs. I'm working here, and I got another job at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Okay? I'm doing that just to put a kid through NYU so he can explore his bisexuality and become a deejay. Now the last thing I need is a ballistics report in the unit. I'm just gonna ask you guys. Please, come on. Really. Just think about it. Just be smart."
"[to the Bed Bath & Beyond staff] First thing's first: the new bath mats are here. Second thing: there's a serial rapist in Crown Heights... sorry, that's from my other job, ignore that. No, wait, don't ignore it, especially if you live in Crown Heights. Walk in pairs."
"There are three things I love in this world: Kylie Minogue, small dimples just above a woman's buttocks... and the fear in a man's eye who knows I'm about to hurt him."
"Listen, if you don't shut up, I'll cut your ear off with a butter knife."
"Someone's been playing Grand Theft Auto."
"NY's finest were busy."
"When the top cops are busy, our only hope is the other guys."
"Who were you expecting?"
"Will Ferrell as Detective Allen "Gator" Gamble"
"Mark Wahlberg as Detective Terry Hoitz"
"Eva Mendes as Dr. Sheila Ramos Gamble"
"Michael Keaton as Captain Gene Mauch"
"Steve Coogan as Sir David Ershon"
"Ray Stevenson as Roger Wesley"
"Samuel L. Jackson as Detective P.K. Highsmith"
"Dwayne Johnson as Detective Christopher Danson"
"Lindsay Sloane as Francine"
"Natalie Zea as Christinith"
"Rob Riggle as Detective Evan Martin"
"Damon Wayans, Jr. as Detective Fosse"
"Viola Harris as Mama Ramos"
"Rob Huebel as Officer Watts"
"Brett Gelman as Hal"
"Bobby Cannavale as Jimmy"
"Andy Buckley as Don Beaman"
"Ben Schwartz as Beaman's Assistant"
"Adam McKay as Dirty Mike"
"Zach Woods as Douglas"
"Anne Heche as Pamela Boardman (uncredited)"
"Ice-T as Narrator (uncredited)"
"Horatio Sanz as gallery owner"
"Thomas Middleditch as gallery attendee"
"Derek Jeter as himself"
"Brooke Shields as herself"
"Rosie Perez as herself"
"Tracy Morgan as himself"
"Who the hell is Julius Caesar? You know I don't follow the NBA!"
"By the hymen of Olivia Newton-John!"
"I'm not trying to be funny, but are you sure he's not a midget with a learning disability?"
"If you've got an ass like the North Star, wise men are gonna want to follow it."
"I'm so lonely, I paid a hobo to spoon with me."
"Andre the Giant gave a surprising nimble foot rub."
"The Tooth Fairy's exposed breast made the child uncomfortable."
"It's pronounced Sawn Dee-Ayy-Go."
"I can always guess how many jelly beans are in a jelly bean jar, even if I'm wrong."
"You made one mistake today. You messed with somebody from San Diego."
"The greatest city in the history of the Earth."
"I believe in two things: Chicken, and that the census is a way for the UN to make your children gay."
"They call bats, "Chicken of the cave.""
"CBC Anchors (Jim Carrey and Marion Cotillard): Sorry."
"Entertainment Tonight Anchor (Tina Fey): I'm so horny."
"Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy"
"Steve Carell as Brick Tamland"
"Paul Rudd as Brian Fantana"
"David Koechner as Champ Kind"
"Christina Applegate as Veronica Corningstone-Burgundy"
"Meagan Good as Linda Jackson"
"James Marsden as Jack Lime"
"Kristen Wiig as Chani"
"Fred Willard as Edward "Ed" Harken"
"Chris Parnell as Garth Holliday"
"Dylan Baker as Freddie Shapp"
"Greg Kinnear as Gary"
"Josh Lawson as Kench Allenby"
"Judah Nelson as Walter Burgundy"
"Harrison Ford as Mack Tannen"
"Vince Vaughn as Wes Mantooth"
"Will Smith as Jeff Bullington, ESPN anchor"
"Jim Carrey as Scott Riles, Canadian News anchor"
"Marion Cotillard as a Quebec News Anchor"
"Sacha Baron Cohen as a BBC News anchor"
"Drake as a Ron Burgundy fan"
"Kirsten Dunst as El Trousias, Maiden of the Clouds"
"Tina Fey as Jill Jansen, Entertainment News co-anchor"
"Amy Poehler as Wendy Van Peel, Entertainment News co-anchor"
"Liam Neeson as a History Network anchor"
"John C. Reilly as the ghost of Stonewall Jackson"
"Kanye West as Wesley Jackson, MTV News anchor"