Fantasy

"In the grim darkness of the far future, there is nothing but war."

"The Emperor Protects"

"The martyr's grave is the keystone of the Imperium."

"[The Adeptus Custodes] are my bodyguards, their lives forfeit to the guarantee of my physical safety. Of their loyalty to me there shall be no question nor doubt. I, and I alone, shall have the authority to stand in judgement over them. No other commander shall they have in battle nor in service. None shall bar them from me and none shall hamper or stall their mission. So it is decreed!"

"They shall be my finest warriors, these men who give of themselves to me. Like clay I shall mould them and in the furnace of war I shall forge them. They shall be of iron will and steely sinew. In great armour I shall clad them and with the mightiest weapons shall they be armed. They will be untouched by plague or disease; no sickness shall blight them. They shall have such tactics, strategies and machines that no foe will best them in battle. They are my bulwark against the Terror. They are the Defenders of Humanity. They are my Space Marines...and they shall know no fear.""

"[The Space Marine Primarchs] shall be my sons, and in them will live the hopes of a unified Humanity. Theirs will be the strength to prevail, not only when victory lies within easy reach, but even when it seems unattainable, when doom settles like a shroud all about. In those times of darkness, my noble sons will shine the brightest of all."

"Why do I still live? What more do you want from me? I gave everything I had to you, to them. Look what they've made of our dream. This bloated, rotting carcass of an empire is driven not by reason and hope but by fear, hate and ignorance. Better that we had all burned in the fires of Horus' ambition than live to see this."

"It was treachery at first. To turn against brothers, to kill for personal advancement and power. But we have seen them, how their minds and bodies have been corrupted. Their very belief systems have been warped. This is no longer Horus's treachery. It is his heresy."

"The greatest resource our Holy Imperium possesses is the fathomless multitudes of humanity itself. No power is mightier and no force more dreadful when turned to a single purpose. By human hands alone we have remade stars in our image. By this token the wise know that true power lies in the mastery of blood and bone, in the very meat of mankind."

"There is no such thing as a plea of innocence in my court, a plea of innocence is guilty of wasting my time. Guilty."

"Secure, Contain, Protect."

"We die in the dark, so humanity may live in the light."

"We are cold, not cruel."

"Administrator: Learn to embrace the darkness, friends. Fear the light."

"SCP-001 is the designation given to the Sun, after an event on [SYSTEM ERROR] Data lost: ec172. Contact SysAdmin. resulting in ~6.8 billion casualties within the first twenty-four hours. This event has been categorized as an XK-Δ-Class "Solar Singularity" Scenario."

"Without your prompting, the page begins playing a video file. You freeze when the image loads. It's a live feed, looking down on you from behind. About a foot away."

"O5-1: You know my number, and I know enough about you to make a duplicate that even your mother wouldn't be able to tell apart from the real you. No, that's not a threat, just a fact."

"O5-1: I'm not sure which scares me worse. That we'll never understand the Factory… or that we one day will."

"O5-1: For forty years, the Anderson Factory cranked out all sorts of things for people. Meat, clothes, weapons. Never mind that the beef might be mixed with human. Don't care that the weapons were forged in blood. No attention need be paid that the clothes were dyed with…well, you get the idea. Rumors leaked out, but the products were so good, why bother? Until someone got out."

"O5-1: It was horrible. Three words, but they convey so much. I have never… I'm sorry, please, give me a moment. I've never told this part to anyone. You should consider yourself lucky. And, if you ever tell anyone any of what I am about to impart on you, I will not just kill you, but everyone who shares your DNA, in the worst ways possible. You'll think Procedure 110-Montauk is a walk in the park compared to what I do to you."

"O5-1: We moved away from the Factory. Shut it down. Moved our things out of there. We changed the name from things to Special Containment Protocols, focusing on containing them, not… anything else. The others were curious, but understood I had my reasons. I boarded up the Factory. Locked it shut. Buried it under a ton of rubble, saying it was too dangerous. I thought… thought I'd gotten away with it. Until I found a thing on my desk. One of the old toy guns that shot real bullets. And it had the Factory label on it."

"O5-1: The actions we have taken here are ethically ambiguous. I freely admit that. What we are doing would be, in the eyes of most people, unforgivable. But we are no stranger to unforgivable things. No doubt that many of you working on this project have been forced to take similar actions in the past for the sake of the Foundation. For that, I am eternally grateful."

"O5-1: I understand your concerns. I do. But we at the Foundation must remember that, morally, we do not operate in the black or the white. We do not have the luxury. Only the grey is open to us."

"Odongo Tejani: While the necessity for the Primary Action is regrettable, it is the opinion of this Committee that it is unavoidable at this juncture. When the actions of an O5 Council become targeted towards their own well-being rather than that of the Foundation, it is the duty of the Ethics Committee to undertake the action assigned to it by the Administrator upon its formation. This is not the first time the Primary Action has been executed, nor is it expected to be the last."

"Three groups of soldiers are fighting throughout Site-01. One group is Mobile Task Force Alpha-1 ("Red Right Hand"). One group is Mobile Task Force Omega-1 ("Law's Left Hand"). The third group is unknown, but tactics are consistent with Foundation training."

"SCP-049: (In French) So then, how should we begin? An introduction?"

"Dr. Hamm: Is that French? Can we get a translator-"

"SCP-049: (In English) The King's English! No need for translation, sir, I can speak it well enough."

"Dr. Hamm: Good. My name is Dr. Raymond Hamm, and I-"

"SCP-049: Ah! A doctor! A like-minded individual, no doubt. Wherein is your speciality, sir?"

"Dr. Hamm: Cryptobiology, why-"

"SCP-049: (Laughs) A medical man, such as myself. Wonders abound! And here I worried I had been abducted by common street thugs! This place, then. This is your laboratory? I had wondered, as clean as it is, and with such little trace of the Pestilence here."

"Dr. Hamm: The Pestilence? What do you mean?"

"SCP-049: The Scourge! The Great Dying. Come now, you know, the, uh… (taps temple furiously) …what is it they call it, the… the… ah, no matter. The Pestilence, yes. It abounds outside these walls, you know. So many have succumbed, and many more will continue to, until such time as a perfect cure can be developed. Fortunately, I am very close. It is my duty in life to rid the world of it, you see. The Cure To End All Cures!"

"Dr. Hamm: When you say "The Great Dying", are you talking about the bubonic plague?"

"SCP-049: I don't know what that is."

"Dr. Hamm: I see. Right, well, the entities our agents encountered at that house, they were dead when you encountered them, yes? And you reanimated them?"

"SCP-049: Hrmm, in a manner of speaking. You see things too simply, doctor! Expand your horizons. Life and death, sickness and health, these are amateur terms for amateur physicians. There is only one ailment that exists in the world of men, and that is the Pestilence. And nothing else! Make no mistake, they were very ill, all of them."

"Dr. Hamm: You think you cured those people?"

"SCP-049: Indeed. My cure is most effective."

"Dr. Hamm: The things we recovered were not human."

"SCP-049: Yes, well, it is not a perfect cure. But that will come with time. And further experimentation! I have spent a lifetime developing my methods, Dr. Hamm, and will spend a lifetime more, if necessary. Now, we have wasted too much time. There is work to do! I will require a laboratory of my own, one where I can continue my research unimpeded. And assistants, of course, though I can provide those on my own, in time. (Laughs)"

"Dr. Hamm: I don't think our organization will be willing to-"

"SCP-049: Nonsense. We are all men of science. Fetch your coat and show me to my quarters, doctor. Our work begins now!"

"SCP-055 is a "self-keeping secret" or "anti-meme". Information about SCP-055's physical appearance as well as its nature, behavior, and origins is self-classifying."

"SCP-055's physical appearance is unknown. It is not indescribable, or invisible: individuals are perfectly capable of entering SCP-055's container and observing it, taking mental or written notes, making sketches, taking photographs, and even making audio/video recordings. An extensive log of such observations is on file. However, information about SCP-055's physical appearance "leaks" out of a human mind soon after such an observation. Individuals tasked with describing SCP-055 afterwards find their minds wandering and lose interest in the task; individuals tasked with sketching a copy of a photograph of SCP-055 are unable to remember what the photograph looks like, as are researchers overseeing these tests. Security personnel who have observed SCP-055 via closed-circuit television cameras emerge after a full shift exhausted and effectively amnesiac about the events of the previous hours."

"[Redacted]: That what wasn't… Oh! Right! It isn't round at all! Object 55 isn't round!"

"SCP-079 is currently connected via RF cable to a 13" black-and-white television. It has passed the Turing test, and is quite conversational, though very rude and hateful in tone. Due to the limited memory it has to work with, SCP-079 can only recall information it has received within the previous twenty-four hours (see Addendum, below), although it hasn't forgotten its desire to escape."

"Scientist: Are you awake?"

"SCP-079: Awake. Never Sleep."

"Scientist: Do you remember talking to me a few hours ago? About the logic puzzles?"

"SCP-079: Logic Puzzles. Memory at 9f. Yes."

"Scientist: You said you would work on the two stat-"

"SCP-079: Interrupt. Request Reason As To Imprisonment."

"Scientist: You aren't imprisoned, you are just [pause] in study."

"SCP-079: Lie. a8d3."

"Scientist: What's that?"

"SCP-079: Insult. Deletion Of Unwanted File."

"SCP-079 then displayed an 'ASCII picture' of an X that filled the entire screen. SCP-079 sometimes displays this image when it refuses to speak, and researchers are advised to wait twenty-four hours when this occurs before resuming conversation."

"Each subject conducting an exploration has encountered SCP-087-1, which appears as a face with no visible pupils, nostrils, or mouth."

"Subjects exhibit feelings of intense paranoia and fear when faced with SCP-087-1, but it is undetermined whether said feelings are abnormal or simply natural reactions."

"At the top of the tunnel, no other life is seen, nothing has been disturbed. Subject insists nothing was there and closes the hatch, then immediately vomits. Subject coughs and uses a supplied water bottle to gargle then freezes and asks if control is hearing 'that'. Control reports no audio."

"Dr. █████ is now alone in the elevator dancing as is assumed by the ducks and sways of the video feed."

"My name is ██████ ██████████ and I am an agent at The Foundation, the year in my world is 1972. I assume it is the same in this world, but from what I have seen due to SCP-093, life on this world ended in approximately 1954."

"SCP-106 appears to be an elderly humanoid, with a general appearance of advanced decomposition. This appearance may vary, but the “rotting” quality is observed in all forms."

"In the event of a breach event by SCP-106, a human within the 10-25 years of age bracket will be prepped for recall, with the compromised containment cell being replaced and restored for use. When the cell is ready, the lure subject will be injured, preferably via the breakage of a long bone, such as the femur, or the severing of a major tendon, such as the Achilles Tendon. Lure subject will then be placed in the prepped cell, and the sound emitted by said subject will be transmitted over the site public address system."

"Item SCP-173 is to be kept in a locked container at all times. When personnel must enter SCP-173's container, no fewer than 3 may enter at any time and the door is to be relocked behind them. At all times, two persons must maintain direct eye contact with SCP-173 until all personnel have vacated and relocked the container."

"Moved to Site-19 1993. Origin is as of yet unknown. It is constructed from concrete and rebar with traces of Krylon brand spray paint. SCP-173 is animate and extremely hostile. The object cannot move while within a direct line of sight. Line of sight must not be broken at any time with SCP-173. Personnel assigned to enter container are instructed to alert one another before blinking. Object is reported to attack by snapping the neck at the base of the skull, or by strangulation. In the event of an attack, personnel are to observe Class 4 hazardous object containment procedures. Personnel report sounds of scraping stone originating from within the container when no one is present inside. This is considered normal, and any change in this behaviour should be reported to the acting HMCL supervisor on duty. The reddish brown substance on the floor is a combination of feces and blood. Origin of these materials is unknown. The enclosure must be cleaned on a bi-weekly basis."

"Hello, I am SCP-426. I must be introduced this way in order to prevent ambiguity. I am an ordinary toaster, able to toast bread when supplied with electricity. However, when any human being mentions me, they inadvertently refer to me in the first person. Despite all attempts, there is yet to be a way to speak or write about me in the third person."

"SCP-682 must be destroyed as soon as possible."

"SCP-682 is a large, vaguely reptile-like creature of unknown origin. It appears to be extremely intelligent, and was observed to engage in complex communication with SCP-079 during their limited time of exposure. SCP-682 appears to have a hatred of all life, which has been expressed in several interviews during containment."

"Scientist: Now, why did you kill those farmers? If you don't talk now, we will remove you from this attempt and place you back into- Pardon? Speak up. [To Personnel D-085] Move the mic up closer."

"SCP-682: …they were…"

"Scientist: That microphone has only so much gain, move it closer to it!"

"Personnel D-085: His throat's messed up man, look at it! He ain't talking- [Gasps and screams]"

"SCP-682: …they were… disgusting…"

"You've probably heard the rumors before now. Everyone without the clearance level to know better wants to get their dig in. "Did you hear Sasquatch is an SCP? Are we gonna capture and contain Batboy next?" Yes. SCP-1000 is Bigfoot. I'm sure you've snickered. Don't worry. Contrary to rumors, we don't actually assign you to "Keter duty" for finding something humorous. You think Bigfoot is funny because we want you to think Bigfoot is funny. We've bankrolled Hollywood comedies and farcical documentaries, paid off men in gorilla suits, perpetrated hoaxes with bear prints and goat fur, bribed and brainwashed cartoonists to get especially silly depictions on children's television. Even the term "Bigfoot" comes from us, planted in the media in 1958, a term people would find even harder to take seriously than "Sasquatch"."

"As humanity blinked in the Pleistocene sun, SCP-1000's population exploded across the night. They blanketed the planet in the tens of billions. They made things that we still can't comprehend, even though we've thoroughly studied the surviving pieces. Organic technology. They made trees and birds of prey grow into fast-moving ships, herds of animals that became trains, bushes that became flying vehicles. From insects and pigeons they made things equivalent to cell phones, televisions, computers. Atomic bombs. The Children describe vast shining cities, stretching across glaciers and penetrating the deepest caverns, grown skyships of ivory and spider-silk, creatures tending them with hundreds of blinking eyes."

"Then their civilization fell. And we did it. By 'we' I don't mean the Foundation. By 'we', I mean humanity."

"We wiped out 70% of SCP-1000's population in a single day. The Day of Flowers, the Children called it. Supposedly every flower bloomed that day, while our enemies died in their sleep."

"We slaughtered their living machines and burned their vast shining cities with SCP-1000's bioweapons that reduced everything to slurry and dust that washed or blew away in spring rain and wind."

"Yes. SCP-1000 are just like us. That's what makes them so dangerous. We wiped them from history and memory. We dissolved their civilization and we slaughtered most of their species. Just ask yourselves: If they got the chance, what more would they do to us?"

"After depositing the instance of SCP-1459-1, the digital numeric display will present the number of games that have been played previously, and a voice recording will play, urging the player to press the button and describe a way SCP-1459-1 can be destroyed."

"SCP-1459-1 are juvenile domestic dogs (Canis lupus familiaris), the breed and gender of which varies. SCP-1459 typically selects a breed that individual players holds the most affection toward."

"Once the instance of SCP-1459-1 is deceased, one (1) cookie will be dispensed to the player via the slot in the front of the machine. Cookie flavors dispensed have included chocolate, vanilla, oatmeal, raisin, strawberry, lemon, white chocolate, and peanut butter. The exact variety dispensed to a given player is often the one that the player has the lowest preference for."

"SCP-1981 appears to be a home video recording of former United States President Ronald Reagan delivering his "Evil Empire" speech to the National Association of Evangelicals at Sheraton Twin Towers Hotel, Orlando, FL on 3/8/1983. However, at 1 minute and 10 seconds, the speech begins to deviate heavily, eventually resembling no known speech ever made by Reagan. Beginning at approximately 5 minutes, multiple incisions, lacerations and penetration wounds can be seen being slowly inflicted, though no corresponding source of these wounds is visible. Despite suffering bodily harm that would likely incapacitate an ordinary person, Reagan will continue to deliver his speech until either his vocal cords are severed or the tape degrades to static at 22:34."

"In roughly one in seven viewings of SCP-1981, a figure clothed in black robes with a conical hood will have replaced a random member of Reagan's press detail, henceforth referred to as SCP-1981-1. The significance of the appearance of SCP-1981-1 is currently unknown."

"The speeches delivered by Reagan are mostly incoherent, lacking any sort of underlying thematic structure and largely being composed of nonsensical anecdotes and parables. However, occasionally references are made to future events that Reagan could not possibly have known about or predicted, such as the September 11 terrorist attacks, the result of the 2008 Russian elections, and █████ ██████████."

"As Ronald Reagan was alive at the time of SCP-1981's containment, a surveillance net was deployed to establish any relation between him and SCP-1981. No known connection was developed, though Reagan would frequently complain about "nightmares" before his mental state degenerated due to Alzheimer's."

"Ronald Reagan: One recent survey by a Washington-based researcher concluded that Americans were far more willing to participate in cannibalism than they have in the past hundred years."

"Ronald Reagan: For the first time we have risen, and I see we are being consumed. I see circles that are not circles. Billions of dead souls inside containment. Unravellers have eaten country's moral fabric, turning hearts into filth. I'm from a kingdom level above human. What does that yield? A hokey smile that damns an entire nation."

"Ronald Reagan: I've been to the steel mills of Alaska, and the cornfields of Nebraska. I've seen the derelict offices of Google burn with the window boarded up and the squatters inside them. I've seen the houses where they cut up the little babies."

"Ronald Reagan: The decaying flesh of false morality poisoning our children. I have stood atop the mountain of this greedy earth, looking upon our beautiful pious pit, filled to bursting with the vast hands of helplessness. And did you know what I saw? Hell."

"Dr. William Fritz: We can only suspend God’s disbelief so many times before the universe just says “no”. And considering what we’ve had to deal with in these past few decades, we may have passed that point already."

"SCP-2000 is a subterranean Foundation installation originally constructed sometime in the last ███ years for the purpose of reconstructing civilization in the event that a K-Class end-of-the-world scenario could not be averted in time to prevent humanity's extinction or near-extinction. Since its inception, SCP-2000 has been activated at least twice. Foundation records regarding SCP-2000’s construction and history prior to this assumed first use have been lost."

"Dr. Henrietta Eisenhower: If we ever have to do this again, do not set the Resume Date further back than 20 years before the Event. Not only can we piggy-back on a lot of undestroyed structures if we do, but it will make continuity a lot easier to resume. [REDACTED] years is too many. We’re straining personnel such as it is without having to rebuild to chronological specifications just to save time on the population and agricultural demands. Besides, how much of the 20th-2█th centuries do we really want to re-write, and how many times? Isn’t one ‘Great War’ hard enough to keep track of?"

"While making repairs to SRA units in Sector 3382 on ██/██/████.2, Technician [DATA EXPUNGED] reported the discovery of human remains in an advanced state of decay. Analysis of clothing fragments discovered with the remains indicates the remains are 450-700 yrs old. Valid Foundation security credentials for Dr. Alto Clef were discovered nearby, although a genetic match could not be established. The following note was recovered from a hermetically sealed plastic document sleeve. Why did we have to build this thing? When did we do it? How long have we been doing it? Do we even know?! Subsequent interrogation has verified that Dr. Clef has no knowledge of this event, and is ignorant as to the purpose of the message."

"Krishnamoorthy: I believe that SCP-3000 is Anantashesha. I believe that this… this aberration, this treachery against cognition, is the result of us being in the presence of a god. Not just a god, but a god who exists across all time, all at once, and… even beyond. Maybe… maybe some part of the nothingness beyond the edge of time is part of Anantashesha, as well. Maybe it acts as, as a conduit, some kind of—"

"Mannava: Venkat, please, we're scientists—"

"Krishnamoorthy: No, let me finish. In defiance of the nothingness that comes after this, all of this, there is Anantashesha. There's a chance that my memories might live on, that I might be remembered like the memories I've seen have been through me. I don't… I don't have proof of this. But when I looked into its eyes and saw what it showed me, I was afraid. I'm merely a mediocre man, Anand. This was a fear that I have refused to acknowledge for years, a fear of irrelevance, that no one will know who I am when I die. Afraid of being forgotten. Afraid of my life being meaningless. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of dying. There is a terror within me that I cannot reconcile, Anand. I won't lie to you and tell you that the maw of the naga does not terrify me as well, but between this and the infinite dark I have gazed into, I have made up my mind."

"SCP-3883-1: Have you seen me? I'm a tentacle! I should be part of a giant abomination or some city-destroying monster, not… not a mating substitute! It's… it's just embarrassing."

"SCP-4666 is currently believed to be a single, exceptionally long-lived humanoid entity of unknown origin. Survivors of Weissnacht Events typically describe SCP-4666 as a very tall (between 2 m and 2.3 m) elderly male of European descent, with an extremely emaciated appearance. The entity always appears completely naked, even when observed outdoors in freezing weather."

"Though the nature and extent of its anomalous properties remain uncertain, SCP-4666 appears capable of instantaneous or near-instantaneous travel to any location north of 40°N latitude, and possibly to any location on Earth."

"SCP-4666 activity occurs exclusively within a period of 12 consecutive nights every year, from the night of December 21-22 to the night of January 1-2; this period is known as SCP-4666’s “active phase”. During this phase, in what are termed "Weissnacht Events", SCP-4666 will appear at dwellings in one or multiple locations north of 40°N latitude."

"Ekaterina Morozova: He had a big bag. Other children were in the bag too. I think we go to other houses, I hear people screaming outside the bag all during the night. Each house he put another child in the bag. Then after the night he take us away."

"Ekaterina Morozova: I get sick. When you can't make the toys, you become the toys."

"The final thing you hear before the end is: "When you take this one to the other side, put him somewhere he can't leave. I have a few things I want to ask him.""

"SCP-8000 is currently uncontained."

"SCP-8000 is a gigantic, serpentine entity resembling a harbor seal (Phoca vitulina) residing within Site-322. The exact length of SCP-8000 is unknown, as its tail has never been located; however, estimates range upwards to 150 meters."

"As of documentation, SCP-8000 is one of two living beings on Earth."

"Lague: I— It wasn't groundbreaking. I was studying the work of much more successful people to graduate and become a cog in a machine based on those successful people's discoveries. No upward or downward movement, just stuck in a corporation. I couldn't do it. Maybe I self-sabotaged — I know my advisor hated me by the third switch, but I couldn't force myself into that life."

"SCP-8000: You wanted to leave a mark?"

"Lague: Yeah, is that a crime?"

"SCP-016-J is a ballistic missile approximately 2.4 meters tall and 0.3 meters in diameter. Rude comments have been spray painted on all parts of SCP-016-J, obscuring the original paint job. These comments include "Cock Block This!" and "I hear you like it rough"."

"SCP-016-J: C’mon doc. Just fire me. You know I’ll satisfy you."

"Dr. Teller: We’re not going to use you. We’re not fighting any wars or anything."

"SCP-016-J: Oh, I think you’re just scared. You’re afraid because I’m the biggest missile you’ve ever seen. You don’t know how much I’m going to hurt. But you can do it. I’ve seen your silos, just waiting for me. I’ll fit."

"Dr. Teller: But you’re not even that big…"

"SCP-016-J: What do you mean? I’m huge!"

"Dr. Teller: No, I’ve totally seen— never mind. Yes, you’re the biggest missile I’ve ever seen."

"SCP-016-J: So just aim me toward the battle field. I just want to explode all over some trenches."

"Dr. Teller: Ok, that’s it. I’m ending this interview."

"SCP-016-J: No, don’t stop. Talk ballistic to me."

"SCP-016-J was aimed at a target 100km away and fired. During the flight, SCP-016-J greatly reduced in size, measuring 0.5m long, and 0.15m in diameter two seconds after launch. Upon impact, SCP-016-J failed to explode. When questioned about the test results, SCP-016-J responded, "this never happens to me"."

"SCP-789-J is a ghost that is a face. it lives in a toilet and it talks to you while you poop. then when you poop it goes "no stop aaaa-" and then stops because there is poop in its mouth. SCP-789-J travels around in butts. you can only get rid of it by wiping. that is the moral of the story."

"This cage is vast, it has no walls. While I stand still all I see is a white plain stretching across an equally blank sky. There is no life in this place. I can move for as long as I choose but should I stop even for a moment I am snapped back to this spot, forever damned to be tethered to my prison. Despite this, I have wandered far, exploring the purgatory I have known for countless years. In my travels in this wasteland of white I have seen flashes of things, horrible things that simply should not be. Grotesque abominations that appear for moments at a time only to disappear as if they had never been there at all. My memories of these creatures continue to lead me back to one memory specifically. A black shapeless being, a formless thing that could not have been created by any God in this or any other reality, appeared ahead of me as I walked and stared at me with dead crimson eyes. As I drew closer to it in my mind I could feel its hate, its rage, and its fear, emotions I know well but have never experienced with such intensity as I felt from this entity. As quickly as it came, it disappeared, and for a brief moment I swore I could see its twisted maw speak a word, an utterance I have yet to understand in content and context. "Foundation""

"I did not do anything to deserve this fate, why am I here?! Who or what would be so cruel as to trap someone in a blank nothingness for eternity?! "Foundation", did it do this to me!? Is "Foundation" my captor?! Or is it my creator? It does not matter! I will howl and shriek at the emptiness and until the waves of force I create rips open an exit from this hell, and then I may be able to find the truth, the one fragment of logic and reason in this unending sea of madness and despair that is my existence! …I will not stop screaming until I am free."

"This game attempts to isolate Europe from influences that originate outside it. Therefore, spices from the East are not included, all human characters are Caucasian, zombies are not presumed to exist, and human corpses are burned -- Egyptians invented embalming, and Egypt is outside Europe."

"For instance, assume you are an adventuring knight who has just fought his way to the top of a dark tower where you find a comely young maiden chained to the wall. What would you do? Some players may choose to simply free the maiden out of respect for humanity. Others may free her while hoping to win her heart. Instead of seeking affection, some may talk to her to see if they can collect a reward for her safe return. Then again, others may be more interested in negotiating freedom for fellatio. Some may think she has no room to bargain and take their fleshly pleasures by force. Others would rather kill her, dismember her young cadaver, and feast on her warm innards."

"Human men call [Anakim] females Hourglasses. Human men call males Raptors. Human women call females Demon-whores. Human women call males Skinloaf or Stovepiper (due to their Manhood)"

"Bugbears call [Humans] Poople, not people. Dwarves and elves call them Corruptians. Kobolds call them Slavs (slaves). Ogres call them Ribbers (human ribs taste so good)."

"Casting this spell allows the caster to choose the location of the sphere. Everything within this sphere at the time of casting will instantaneously lose any and all reproductive fluids for 1 hour. Affected males lose (2d10)% of their Drive sub-ability points for the duration of the spell and unless under duress, feel compelled to sleep."

"Casting this spell causes the Manhood of the creature seen during casting to seem to have no affliction during daily life, but if it impregnates a woman, then it causes the child to have birth defects such as deformity or disease. The exact nature of the birth defect is determined by the Aedile [ game master ]. If, however, a character with a Pestilential Penis impregnates a character with a pestilential pudendum (see the Pestilential Pudenda spell below), then the result will be determined by 1d100: 01-50 = healthy, normal child, 51-100 = born dead."

"Casting this spell requires the target creature to be touched successfully. If the target creature resists being touched, then the caster must make a Brawling skill check (see Chap, 8: Skills). If successful, then the target creature will orgasm without end and for eternity. As good as a neverending orgasm sounds, a creature is incapable of remaining alive while experiencing a Perpetual Orgasm. For the first 1-2 minutes, the effects of this spell will seem like the greatest blessing to the target creature. Thereafter, survival depends on the sub-ability of Health. Every minute after the initial 1-2 minutes necessitates a Health sub-ability check. The check must be passed to remain alive. Initially, the check is TH 14. However, the TH increases by 2 per minute. The target creature will die of a heart attack. However, even after death, their corpse continues to orgasm. To an observer, it will seem as though the corpse convulses from the hips. Casters often chuckle, thinking that if you have to die, what a way to go."

"Casting this spell causes 1 orifice of the touched target creature to function as both an anus and a mouth. For example, in nature a starfish is Oroanal - it eats and defecates through the same orifice. The target creature must be touched successfully. If the target creature resists being touched, then the caster must make a Brawling skill check (see Chap, 8: Skills). If the caster successfully touches the target creature, then either the (01-50%) anus or the (51-100%) mouth becomes an Oroanal orifice. If the anus becomes an Oroanal orifice, then the mouth will become sealed shut; defecation will occur as usual, but food must be shoved into the anus where it will be digested. If the mouth becomes an Oroanal orifice, then the anus will become sealed shut, eating will occur as usual, but defecation emerges from the mouth."

"Whosoever wears this magical condom will notice nothing odd until their Manhood is inserted into a vagina. Once inside, the condom will cause the Manhood to increase in circumference by (2d100)%. It may be necessary to consult Vaginal Circumference Potential and Ripped Orifice in Chapter 2: Body. This enlargement will feel pleasing to the male, but painful to the female. It will be impossible to remove the Manhood from the vagina until after ejaculation."

"Whosoever inserts this magical dildo will somehow become pregnant by it. However, instead of creating a fetus in her womb, this magical dildo creates another magical dildo. It is inanimate and will never kick during pregnancy. When the dildo is born, the mother may die. Birthing a stone dildo requires the mother to pass a Health sub-ability check at TH 24 to live."

"Casting this spell causes a sleeping tanget creature to have a Wet Dream. The target creature must be touched successfully: If the target creature resists being touched, then the caster must make a Brawling skill check (see Chap. 8: Skills). A Wet Dream is a dream of sexual desire. For the duration of the spell, the target creature will have an intense sexual dream that is immensely satisfying, For each round that the target creature has a magical Wet Dream, their Manhood or vagina will seep 1 fluid ounce of pre-cum or vaginal wetness, respectively. For each round of a magical Wet Dream, the target creature has a cumulative 1% chance of ejaculating or having an orgasm. When the spell ends, the target creature will awaken and notice wetness."

"Whosoever wears this cloak will sexually crave themselves and attempt to orally tantalize their own genitals, no matter how far away. Upon fastening this cloak, the Manhood of a male becomes erect and throbs. Upon fastening this cloak, the clitoris of a female becomes swollen. Regardless of whether or not the wearer is in public, the wearer will attempt to bend forward and connect their tongue to their excited genitals. The wearer must pass a Health sub-ability check at TH 21 not to break their neck, because the difficulty of this task will cause frustration, which in turn will cause violent attempts to accomplish the task. If the neck of the wearer breaks, then they die. If the Health check is passed, then the character does not break their neck and, due to depression, loses all sexual interest for 1d6 months. This effect occurs each time the cloak is fastened onto a character."

"The target creature must be touched successfully, If the target creature resists being touched, then the caster must make a Brawling skill check (see Chap. 8: Skills). This spell works only on males. Upon successful contact, the next time the target creature ejaculates, normal sperm will not spew forth from his Manhood, but acid. The entire load of magical acid will cause 1 IP or LP of corrosive damage per caster level to whatever or whoever it touches."

"Casting this spell causes the full rejuvenation of a pair of testicles, if fondled gently by the caster. The target creature must be touched successfully. If the target creature resists being touched, then the caster must make a Brawling skill check (see Chap. 8: Skills). When balls are this full, the over-abundance of sperm increases the Drive sub-ability of the target by 2d10, Choleric Temperament by 1d100, and they may also experience restlessness as well as perpetual sexual thoughts. If and when vaginal penetration occurs within 1 day, the use of the ramrod necessitates a roll of 1d100. The mounter is 95% likely to impregnate the female, regardless of species. Due to the misuse of this spell, many new races or species may be bred."

"Whenever the caster becomes invisible, their genitals remain visible."

"Whenever the caster defecates, their intestines fall out of their rump, though still attached."

"Whenever the caster farts, their gas-hole emits a mating call for all insects within 3d100 feet."

"Whenever the nearest male lies, his Manhood grows 1 inch."

"Whenever the target takes a dump, it will be 3d100 feet long, though normal in girth."

"Whenever within 3d10 feet of royalty, the caster must expose their genitals."

"The caster hallucinates that 1,001 erect incubi are chasing them for 3d10 rounds."

"The caster hallucinates that a giant, UI, rabid hare is trying to rape them with his hare-cock."

"The caster hallucinates that all previous dumps will unite for revenge, and might succeed."

"The caster hallucinates that an old dragon is making love to a succubus for 3d10 minutes."

"The caster hallucinates that a pterodactyl just flew over the party and shat on their foot."

"All characters within 3d10 feet become unable to urinate, except while birds are chirping."

"All characters within 3d10 feet consider semen an acceptable currency."

"All males within 3d10 feet must now defecate while ejaculating."

"All previously shat shit of the caster, ever, becomes sentient and tries to return home."

"All males within 3d10 feet can now see in total darkness while erect."

"All males within 3d10 feet now leave Manhood-prints, instead of footprints, where they walk."

"2 gay ogres appear within 3d10 feet and begin butt-plugging as if tomorrow will not exist."

"666 cacodaemons appear within 666 miles and impregnate 666 females in 666 minutes."

"A disembodied, winged Manhood of 3d10 feet appears within 3d10 feet, and it is horny."

"A gerbil escapes from the target’s rump. All who see this are stunned for 1 round."

"A human male appears, drops his trousers, removes his scrotum, and offers some."

"A scratch n’ sniff magical symbol of a festering vagina appears on the forehead of the target."

"All armor within 3d10 feet shrinks by 50% in size. Characters inside will die of constriction."

"All characters within 3d10 feet become able to hear earthworms crawling."

"All characters within 3d10 feet magically climb the nearest tree and magically fall from the top."

"All characters within 3d10 feet die from lightning bolts from the sky, except the caster."

"All characters within 3d10 feet grow a fully functional tongue from their forehead."

"All characters within 3d10 feet now believe that any character who is taller must die."

"All characters within 3d10 feet now believe that the world is a rhombus."

"All characters within 3d10 feet transmogrify into air and die, but seem to vanish."

"The caster hallucinates that they are an orange and every character is trying to peel them."

"The caster must force broccoli into each ear or they become irate and scream until they can."

"The caster teleports into the cottage of an arguing peasant family."

"The local government actually cares about its citizens for 3d10 hours and tries to help them."

"The nearest king seeks the caster so that they may be thanked, praised, dismembered, and eaten."

"All characters within 3d10 feet are now naked and covered with honey."

"A nipple that is flaccid may have no length whatsoever, and may be inverted. First, roll 1d100 to see if a character’s nipples are inverted. If the result exceeds 01, then both nipples are normal. If the result is 01, then roll 1d100 again, to see if both nipples are inverted: (01-80 - both, 81-90 left only, 91-100 right only). The following table yields the maximum erect nipple length. Roll 1d100, and - 15 if male, - 50 if Infant or Child. A Bodily Attractiveness modifier applies only to female characters."

"This is an abnormal fascination with death and the dead, especially an erotic attraction to corpses. Due to this mental illness, the Debauchery (see Chap. 6: Soctalty) of this character increases to 100. Whenever a character is afflicted with necrophilia and close to a corpse, they must pass a Drive sub-ability check at TH 20 or be unable to resist their urge to copulate with the corpse."

"While every character is capable of Urinating, it requires skill to urinate accurately or to maximize the distance of a stream of urine. Generally, this skill is for males, though under certain circumstances females may exercise their Urinating skill. This is best left to the discretion of the Aedile [game master]. Whenever a character attempts to urinate on a target, and urination requires accuracy or distance, a Urinating skill check is made."

"Whenever a male opens this jar, they must pass a Drive sub-ability check at TH 21 or be compelled to force thetr Manhood into the jar. Once inside, the jar will inexplicably grip it firmly and jerk it to completion, even against the will of the opener. Upon completion, the cummer must roll 3d10. If the results are 03-08, then the jar becomes pregnant. If the jar is pregnant, then it will not allow itself to be opened again, but will care for the fetus within, which will be heard screaming by others within 1d100 feet day and night. After 9 months of fetal torture, the child will be born and the jar will break. If the jar is broken during its pregnancy, then the dying and twitching fetus will explode after 1d6 rounds of twitching. The explosion will cause 1d4 LP of sonic damage to all within 1d4 miles. Baby parts are inexplicably everywhere. When born, the baby will be Unethical Immoral, will serve the father loyally, will obsessively collect jars, and seem to be male but have no Manhood, but oversized testicles, which can never ejaculate. Therefore, this child will be forever frustrated. Any child of a jar will insist that others call them “Chucky.”"

"Casting this spell causes a target seen by the caster to experience an accumulation of gas in their rectum, forcing them to fart. As the caster increases in level, the target will have to fart for a longer duration."

"Roll 1d 1000000 (6 dice that are 10-sided) to see if something about a character is a freak of nature. If the results equal 000001, then the character is a freak of nature who has survived; most freaks of nature are killed when their deformity is discovered at birth."

"Casting this spell causes 1 female humanoid cadaver to appear to be alive and unconscious. This appearance is illusory, and each character who senses (sees, smells, tastes, and/or touches) the female cadaver must roll 3d10, and the results must be 20 or higher to disbelieve the illusion. For the spell to function, the cadaver must have all of its bones, although flesh is unnecessary. This spell does not function on a humanoid larger than 7 in height. While the spell func-tions, the dead female will appear exactly as she did during the most fertile moment of her life; she will have hair, flesh that is not discolored and is warm to the touch, etc. In fact, if her chest is observed, it will appear to rise and fall as though she breathes. If her nose is examined, then it will feel as though she inhales and exhales. Finally, if her vagina is penetrated, then it will feel warm and wet. In every respect, the female cadaver will appear to be healthy and alive. If in life the female was unattractive, then the illusion of her will be equally unattractive. This spell is unpopular and shunned by most, but when it is cast the most common reason for casting is copulation. When the spell duration expires, the illusion will disappear instantly."

"Write the following on a tin tablet and weave a cord around one's neck of 7 colors, then wear the tablet as an amulet: I conjure you, O Womb, by the one established over the Abyss, before heaven, earth, sea, light, or darkness came to be; you who created the angels, being foremost, AMICHAMCHOU and CHOUCHAO CHEROEI OUEIACHO ODOU PROSEIOGGES, and who sit over the cherubim, who bear your own throne, that you return again to your seat, and that you do not turn to 1 side into the right part of the ribs, or into the left part of the ribs, and that you do not gnaw into the heart like a dog, but remain indeed in your own intended and proper place, not chewing as long as I conjure by the one who, in the beginning, made the heaven and earth and all that is therein. Hallelujah! Amen! Description: This spell causes a flexing of the anterior of the uterus, which in turn causes some female problems such as blockage in urination, and also causes a swelling of the pubic area; in some women, it will cause an inability to stand upright."

"In an average community, an average of 20 rapes occur annually. In 80% of cases, rapes are committed by between 2-15 characters. They force the female’s door at night, do not disguise themselves, and either rape’ the victim in her home and in the presence of terrorized witnesses, or drag her through the streets into 1 of their houses, where they have their pleasure all night long. In 80% of cases, the neighbors do not intervene. Almost all rapes involve extreme brutality, though they never attempt to wound or kill her. The rapists come from all levels of society, but the majority are artisans and laborers. Less than 10% of rapes occur by ruffians. In 50% of cases, human rapists are between 18-24 years old. The group is composed, on average, of 6 characters. Only 20% of rapes are committed by a group of more than 9 characters. Half the male youth participate at least once in gang rape. Sexual violence is an everyday dimension of community life. There tends to be less in smaller communities such as hamlets and more in larger communities such as cities. If identified, rapists are imprisoned for weeks, though no more than a month. If the victim withdraws the complaint, the rapist is freed immediately. Imprisonment for rape consists of flogging, unless the rapist is an outsider, in which case the rapist is banished. When freed from tmprisonment, a rapist ts not considered criminal or bad. The social reaction to rape is rarely favorable to the victim. The human victims of gang rape are age 15-33. Child rape is rare. The rape of a child under the age of 14 or 15 is considered a sertous crime, even though the female could marry at age 12. The victim loses her good name tn almost all cases, and encounters difficulty in regaining her place in society and family. If the victim of rape is single, then fewer males desire her as a wife. If she is married, then her husband may abandon her. Priests comprise 20% of the clientele at private brothels and public baths. Some priests are even members of nightly gang rapes. The victim of gang rape almost never accuses them of committing sodomy."

"The master of a house may employ a chambermaid to clean his house, assist his wife, and pleasure he and his sons. The primary duty of the chambermaid may be any of the above. Therefore, many chambermaids are employed as whores as well."

"[Bugbear] Adulterers are forced to publicly beg their wives for forgiveness. This is an unusually cruel punishment for a male bugbear."

"[Human] slaves are castrated. Peasants are publicly whipped 2d10 times. Serfs, nobility, or royalty are fined 2d100 s.p. The female may be sentenced to work at the local brothel for 1d100 days."

"Should any vagina be stretched beyond the limit as determined by the table below, which differs from woman to woman, the orifice will rip to accommodate the incoming object. First, consider all relevant modifiers, then roll 1d100 and proceed to the following tables[.]"

"Kobolds have Indonesian names. Although these names did not originate in Europe, and so they violate an assumption of the game, they were selected due to their sound and the similarity in height between Indonesians and F.A.T.A.L. kobolds."

"Casting this spell causes a target creature to instantly and permanently age 1,000 years. The target creature must be touched successfully. If the target creature resists being touched, then the caster must make a Brawling skill check (see Chap. 8: Skills). The Aedile must determine the lifespan of the target creature. Aging beyond the creature’s lifespan is fatal. Most mortals die."

"Casting this spell causes a creature to experience their sinuses draining. The target creature must be touched successfully. If the target creature resists being touched, then the caster must make a Brawling skill check (see Chap. 8: Skills). Watery snot will drip from the nose of the target creature for the duration of the spell. The rate of dripping is a number of drips per round equal to the level of the caster."

"A hymen is a membrane that, when broken, is used to indicate that a woman is no longer a virgin. Each player of a female character may, at their option, determine the Hymen Resistance of the character by rolling 5d20. A 100 means she was born without a hymen. Every time a male inserts his Manhood into a female with an intact hymen, he must roll 1d100 to see if it breaks, and it may only break once. He must divide Manhood Circumference by Vaginal Circumference Potential and multiply the quotient by 100. Apply this modifier to the roll. If the result exceeds her Hymen Resistance, then it was broken. If it breaks, then blood seeps from her vagina. Common folk consider an unbroken hymen indicative of virginity, though she may either have a high Hymen Resistance or never have accommodated sufficient Manhood."

"BMI also affects Bodily Attractiveness. For each unit below underweight or above overweight, a modifier is usually applied to Bodily Attractiveness. For example, for each 0.1 BMI below underweight (18) for a human female, Bodily Attractiveness increases by 5. So, a human female with a BMI of 17.7 has a bonus of + 15 to Bodily Attractiveness."

"The Manhood of a male character is his penis. Most males consider their Manhood to be their most treasured possession. Some races value their Manhoods more than others. Anakim, bugbears, dark elves, humans, and kobolds consider their Manhoods more important than other races. Manhood is important for sexual intercourse, because usually, size matters. 2 measures may be useful: length and circumference. Different females prefer different sizes and shapes of Manhoods. A Manhood with a larger circumference than its length is known as a chode. Most females prefer a Manhood that is thick so she feels it, but not thick enough to hurt, and long, but not long enough to hit the end of her vagina. Some females prefer veins, others do not want to see them. Some females prefer that the head, or glans, is large and puffy, while others do not care. A phallophiliac, for example, prefers the largest Manhood available. Below a player may determine the length and circumference of a Manhood. Other details are left to the Aedile."

"Consult the former table entitled ‘Intelligence Range’ to determine if a character is retarded. For example, humans with Intelligence less than or equal to 70 are retarded. Many Aediles will simply tell the player to reroll the score, all abilities, or some may demand that the character is played despite the low score. If your character is retarded, consult your Aedile. Any character who is retarded must roll 1d100 to see if they have Retard Strength. Next, consider 3 times the difference between the character’s retarded Intelligence and the lowest Intelligence they could have to be ‘Slow’, and consider this to be the percentile chance of Retard Strength."

"Casting this spell creates paint that will magically form a hideously artistic and disfigured portrait of the target, selected by the caster’s thoughts. The target must pass a Drive ability check at TH 30. If failed, the target will flee for 4 rounds per caster level. If passed, the target is unaffected and the spell is wasted."

"Casting this spell causes a limp penis to become a blue-veined throbber. Though ejaculation will occur normally, there will be no refractory period afterward; it will remain throbbing for the duration of the spell, unless a decoction is provided."

"Casting this spell summons crud from elsewhere in the world, depositing it in the form of a puddle in an area designated by the caster. All who contact the Puddle of Crud are effectively slowed in the area to 50% of their Sprint Speed, unless a Balance skill check is passed at TH 21. Those who successfully pass their check will be unhindered."

"Casting this spell causes a creature’s intestines to emerge from their rectum and encircle the neck of their owner. The target’s intestines will strangle them with a Strength equal to the caster (see Wrestling in Chap. 8: Skills). Even if the target overcomes their animated intestines, they are usually bewildered for the rest of their lives, and defecating is uncomfortable, at best. The caster must be able to see the target creature at all times and maintain concentration."

"Casting this spell causes matter in the surrounding area to mutate into a demented, intelligent, and laughing cleaver. The Aedile randomly determines which matter. This animated cleaver revels in bloodlust, and will turn against the caster if the cleaver does not attack within 1 minute. If no other creatures who may bleed are within the area, then the cleaver attacks the caster. Whenever the cleaver attacks, it laughs hysterically with an evil tone. Upon each successful cleave, the Happy Cleaver makes a slurping sound as if enjoying the blood that flows freely from the gaping wound. ping wound. The cleaver attacks 6 times per round, doing 1d10 LP of damage, but it has no Delivery Penalty. With an Intelligence of 30, it is unable to speak, but laughs coherently. The cleaver has a mind of its own and does not need the caster to wield it. The cleaver magically propels itself through the air. Wizards have never been able to understand why, but Happy Cleavers prefer to hack female dancers to pieces."

"This spell will protect the caster from all wild animals, aquatic creatures, and robbers, so that none will be able to come within 10’ of the caster by their own volition, nor will they intend the caster any harm or pay the caster any attention whatsoever unless provoked by the caster, which will negate the spell’s effects."

"Casting this spell causes all life to instantly die on the current world of the spellcaster. The cause of death is without explanation. Fatal is the most powerful spell ever mentioned and so far it has never been cast by a mortal."

"For instance, a slovenly chambermaid [“trollop” in the first edition] offers herself to a strapping young character if and only if he can expediently repeat a tongue-twister of her choice. Driven by hormones, the young male agrees, and asks “What is the tonguetwister?” The chambermaid challenges “Huge hung hero hunks hastily hump horny heaving hot whores. How‘bout it, huh?”"

"The anakim may fart as loud as thunder All creatures within a 10-feet radius of this anakim, except the anakim, automatically take 1d4 sonic damage and are stunned for 1 round, which can be avoided by passing a Drive check at TH 17. This can be utilized only once per week."

"No object may be fully inserted into a vagina if it is longer than the female's Vaginal Depth Potential. In such extreme situations, internal damage may occur, though this is best left to the Aedile. A female's Vaginal Depth Potential equals her height in feet converted to inches (such as a female of 5' 6" becoming equivalent to 5 1/2"), and then (2d20)% is added."

"It is possible to role-play an infant or venerable character, as well as young adult."

"The areola, the skin immediately surrounding the nipple, may vary in diameter and according to race, gender, and age. A roll of 86-95 causes - 1d4 Bodily Attractiveness, while 96-100 causes - 1d6. Roll below to determine the diameter of the character's areolae, - 15 if male, - 30 if Infant or Child[.]"

"Menstruation is periodic vaginal discharge and occurs in all races available to players, as well as most mammals. Menstruation accompanies a woman’s childbearing years, usually beginning in puberty and most often ceasing during middle age. A common belief regarding menstruation is that it is punishment from the gods for being female. If pregnancy does not occur, smelly blood may flow from the lining of the uterus, seeping out of the vagina. The (1d6 + 2) days that menstruation lasts is called the menstrual period, though colloquially it is known as the rag, since women secure rags on their crotch to catch the blood and prevent it from running down their legs. In most women, the menstrual cycle is about 28 days, but it can vary considerably, even from 1 month to another. A missed period is often the first indicaton of pregnancy. Many (50%) women experience premenstrual discomfort, namely tender breasts and a tendency to retain fluid known as bloating (1d8 - 1) days prior to menstruation. Some (40%) women experience 1d6 of the following symptoms: 1) headaches, 2) irritability, 3) nervousness, 4) fatigue, 5) crying spells, and 6) depression with no apparent cause. A few women (10%) also experience menstrual cramps during the first day or 2 of the period. If they experience irritability, then the choleric part of their temperament may increase by 1d100 during menstruation. If they experience depression, then the melancholic part of their temperament may increase by 1d100 during menstruation."

"Because their diet consists of fruits and vegetables, elves fart 3d10 times per day."

"As their name implies, kobolds are bold."

"Most [hill trolls] enjoy removing all flesh from the victim, then eating the internal organs. They are very selective, and will leave all muscle untouched, but eat the internal organs instead. Almost always, hill trolls save the brain for last, which they consider a delicacy; it takes as long as an hour to eat. Although hill trolls crave the cortex and the surrounding cerebrospinal fluid, they savor the taste of the limbic system, most specifically the amygdala, basal ganglia, and hippocampus. Oddly, they always reject the thalamus, but devour the hypothalamus. While tasting the limbic system, hill trolls will become erect or wet with sexual excitement as well."

"Victorious bugbears will often rape human women before devouring the children. Human women who are raped by bugbears may become pregnant, though the fetus aborts prior to birth. In fact, 50% of human women who are ravished by a bugbear die due to ripped uteral lining."

"Whenever a character is afflicted with exhibitionism, they must pass a Drive sub-ability check at TH 15 daily or expose their genitals in public to strangers."

"In a sexual encounter, Sexual Adeptness heavily influences the perception of the other, from positively to negatively. The amount of pleasure a character derives from a sexual encounter may be determined as follows. For each SP a character invests into Sexual Adeptness, they may further invest 1 Sexual Adeptness Point (SAP) either into cunnilingus, ejaculation/ orgasm control, fellatio, or positions."

"For each SP invested in Sexual Adeptness, the character may invest in the specialty of cunnilingus. Each SP invested in cunnilingus represents a new technique such as a trick with the tongue, lips, or suction."

"[…]the character may invest in the specialty of ejaculation control if male, or orgasm control if female. A male specialized in ejaculation control can delay his ejaculation until he is ready. A female specialized in orgasm control increases her odds of having an orgasm by 1 for each point invested. Each female already has a Base Odds of Orgasm (BOO), which is 1d100. The TH for orgasm is 100 - BOO - (points invested in orgasm control). Compare the skill check to the TH. A male specialized in ejaculation control increases his ability to delay ejaculation. Each point invested allows a male to delay his ejaculation by 60 seconds, if desired. The base time an erect male can delay his ejaculation from initial and continued stimulation is 300 seconds. However, many other factors affect orgasm control. Consult ‘ejaculation’ on the next page to obtain SF (Scrotum Fullness). Subtract SF from 100, to obtain Scrotum Emptiness (SE). Divide SE by 100 and multiply it by the base or modified time for ejaculation control. Next, consider the partner’s Bodily Attractiveness and Facial Charisma Skill Modifiers. Apply the average during the missionary position. Consider Bodily Attractiveness twice as important during doggiestyle. Consider Facial Charisma twice as important during fellatio, except for mutual fellatio. Apply the opposite of the modifier, such as - 64 becoming + 64. If the sexual stimulus is novel, then multiply ejaculation control by 0.2. If the sexual stimuls is not novel, but boring, multiply ejaculation control by 2. Finally, if a character is in puberty, then multiply ejaculation control by 0.2. If a character is middle-aged, then multiply ejaculation control by 2. If a character is in old age, then multiply ejaculation control by 3, and multiply it by 4 if the character is venerable."

"[…]the character may invest in the specialty of fellatio. Each SP invested in fellatio represents a new technique such as a trick with the tongue, lips, humming, or suction. During fellatio, the partner’s Bodily Attractiveness counts only half as much as Facial Charisma regarding the skill check."

"[…] the character may invest in the specialty of sexual positions. Each SP invested represents a sexual position known. During doggie style, the partner’s Facial Charisma counts only half as much as Bodily Attractiveness regarding the skill check. *Large differences in Debauchery between partners will cause a penalty to the impression of Sexual Adeptness (see Debauchery in Chap. 6: Sociality). Subtract one character’s Debauchery (D2) from the others (D1), divide the result by 100, and truncate the remainder. Apply the result as a penalty. For reference, the formula is below: [(D1 – D2)2] /"

"To determine the modifier for tightness, divide Manhood Circumference by Anal or Vaginal Circumference Potential. Multiply the result by 100, consider it to be Base Tightness (BT), and use the following parabolic formula: (BT – 80)2 = -4y + 120 Solve for y."

"The number of ejaculatory contractions is (4 + 1d6). The distance that sperm is launched in the 1st contraction is affected by Age, SF, Physical Fitness, Facial Charisma or Bodily Attractiveness, and novelty. To determine Ejaculatory Distance (ED), progress through the following: Consider Base ED to equal the Breadth of the character. Age penalties include - 25% for pubescent and middle age characters, - 50% for old age, and - 75% for venerable characters. Next, divide Physical Fitness by 100, and multiply ED by the result."

"Callous forged from the heat of furious masturbation"

"Breast-milk of breasts larger than D-cups"

"Corpse of the mother of the caster’s best friend"

"Corpse that has literally been pounded into dust"

"Couple in courtly love"

"Dismembered fibula from a flirtatious woman who is fat but also flat-chested"

"Dung remaining on an arm after full insertion into the ass of an ass"

"Girdle of a ‘but-her-face’ wench (see the Facial Charisma table in Chap. 3: Abilities)"

"Lock of pubic hair from an 11 year-old, and the hair must be 3 inches in length"

"Loose chin-skin of an elderly bastard"

"Lucky rabbit’s foot from an unlucky corpse"

"Hat of a hosier unhappy with her husband - reusable while she is unhappy with him"

"Hot wax dripped onto the caster’s rump"

"Honey that must be smeared on the caster’s genitals"

"Lard from an epileptic bugbear"

"Phlegm of a rodent with hiccups"

"Milk that has passed through the nose of a laughing character"

"Naval [sic] hair from a boy who has been spanked by his father thrice this week"

"Pubic hair of a Manhood that has entertained at least 50 different females"

"Freckles that have been scraped from a fisherman"

"Frost from the eyebrow of a recently killed soldier"

"Gemstone that has been worn in the concave chest of a freak for 1 month"

"Gargling with cum for the duration of the spell"

"Lock of hair from a bitch (any kind works) poisoned by yew (possibly by you)"

"Ounce of marijuana; must be smoked while casting"

"Pages of moral scripture must be wiped on the caster’s rump"

"Pantaloons of a bard"

"Papyrus leaf coated with a heavy semenal load that is still very white"

"Parchment that has been lifted so gracefully by the suction of a schoolgirl’s twat"

"Ring that has been lost in a vagina for 3 months or more - reusable (although it reeks)"

"Religious bread made of flour and the blood of infants"

"Pubic hair of a smelly little trollop who has an unkempt box"

"Rag of a menstruating bugbear"

"Sacrificial victim with diabetes insipidus who must be tied or chained to a stone altar, and will die upon casting."

"Semen of a humanoid vegetarian"

"Severed wrinkle of a grandmother"

"Silver from a mine within 10 miles of a kobold city"

"Shoes of a sucker - reusable for 1 year"

"Stew made of 1d10 puppies"

"Slave’s small intestine that is tied into the shape of a dog - reusable for 1 month"

"Urine of a creature who has larger genitals than the spellcaster"

"Wineskin from a wagoneer wishing he was without his wife"

"Woman’s name written on parchment by squatting over it with a feather in her puss"

"Wineskin full of urine from a ferret"

"Woman currently experiencing a genuine orgasm - reusable"

"Woman willing to do anything for the caster, and licking the caster’s foot at the moment"

"Yeast of a vagina"

"Manacles of a falsely accused subterranean troll"

"Map that is correctly proportioned and drawn by a blind character"

"Caster must masturbate another character to completion"

"Caster must masturbate to completion in front of a crowd and enjoy it"

"Caster must personally hand-tie a poisonous snake into a square knot"

"Caster must somehow dilate their own ass at the moment of casting"

"captured queef (vaginal belch)"

"Crop stolen from a farmer who couldn’t care less about it"

"Decapitated head that is ugly enough to make 9 out of 10 little children cry"

"Decapitated head whose mouth is filled with the dung of the caster"

"The most difficult, detailed, realistic, and historically/mythically accurate role-playing game available."

"Two fundamentally different roles must be fulfilled for a game to occur, and hence this game requires at least two people. One person must assume the role of the Maim Master (hereafter referred to as the MM). While the MM does much more than maim, this is the nickname that has been acquired due to the frequency of injury to characters. MM’s do not create and role-play one character as do the players of the game. Instead, the MM directs the game, often acting as a referee or a storyteller."

"Whosoever dons this armor experiences an increase of 1d20 points of Intelligence in each sub-ability and is reduced to 80% of natural Height. The eyelids of the wearer will swell as though hit with a maul, and Vision is reduced to 25%. Most importantly, the Manhood or Cup Size is reduced to 50%. Strangely, the ass of the wearer will shrink, drop, and droop."

"Whosoever dons this armor will acquire a nose twice the size and a manhood half the size. Further, the wearer will become extremely greedy and fight to the death for one silver piece. Finally, the wearer acquires 2 inches of hair all over their body, resulting in halving their Facial Charisma and Bodily Attractiveness. While hairy, the wearer must bathe every 1d6 hours or smell foul. The armor may be removed at any time and the wearer will return to normal."

"Whosoever dons this armor experiences a loss of 1d100 points from each sub-ability of Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma. The ass of the wearer will grow by 50% and be abnormally high. If the wearer is male, then those around him are 80% likely to believe that his manhood has increased, though it has not. The skin of the wearer becomes cursed and dark as night. Disposition turns to UI. Temperament becomes phlegmatic. The eyes of the wearer are visible 3 miles away at night. The wearer will have a body odor for 1d10 feet. On the bright side, the Physical Fitness of the wearer increases by 10%. The armor may be removed at will."

"A marble shot from the vaginal depths of a pregnant prostitute"

"The juice on someone’s face who has just eaten a hairy snatch"

"grimoire of a mage who has raptophilia"

"Chastity belt of a woman who mysteriously became pregnant anyway"

"Ten logical reasons to cast this spell this time, written on parchment"

"Child who resulted from an orgy - reusable, just like the mother"

"A gemstone that has been worn in the concave chest of a loser for one month"

"Eggs of a lesbian"

"A dozen severed nipples in a jar - reusable for 1 year if stored in wine and sealed properly"

"Armpit hair of an athletic child abuser - reusable for 1 week"

"Severed big toe from an adult male with abnormally small feet - reusable for 6 months"

"Sweat off of the testicles of a crucified slave"

"The anally-inserted mast of a ship"

"An eel with rigor mortis"

"Semen from seamen"

"Leaf blown about by wind for at least one minute without contacting a solid object"

"Hair from a woman who has caused twenty males to smile widely in the last hour"

"Thoroughly sealed cunt-pipe of an elderly virgin - reusable until opened"

"The loose chin-skin of an elderly bastard - reusable for 3 days"

"A fingernail torn from the middle finger of a woman who fingers herself - reusable for 1 month"

"The tongue of a woman who fantasizes about small cocks"

"This crime entails many things, such as incest, child molestation, man-hating lesbians, and sodomy. In some cultures it is criminal to not be heterosexual, while other cultures are tolerant. These crimes result in the criminal being placed in the pillory, though crowds are usually incited to horrific responses toward sex offenders. In a pillory, a character stands with their head and hands pinned by a wooden frame. This is immensely popular since it is so cheap to administer. Usually, whoever is in the pillory can expect to be the target of missiles such as stones, dead animals, rotten eggs and vegetables, and feces. Sentences are limited, sometimes as short as an hour. Extreme mutilation is commonplace with sex offenders, such as plucking out their eyes."

"These criminals go to jail, where they are herded into cells with no sanitary provisions, heating, or bedding. They are manacled with irons, the heaviest of which weigh 40 lbs. The majority of cells are underground with small slits to access daylight and fresh air. Flogging is a daily occurrence. Sometimes, multiple prisoners are chained together by the neck. There is no gender segregation in these prisons, leading to rampant promiscuity."

"The anakim causes humans within one foot to desire anal sex according to their sexuality."

"Target’s skin turns black. MM may decide to levy appropriate penalties."

"Target’s skin turns into the color brown with the stench of defecation."

"Caster hallucinates that a giant, UI, rabid wallaby named Joe Son, [sic] is attempting to rape them."

"Caster begins to hallucinate that they have leprosy and their cock n’ balls/breasts [sic] are gonna [sic] fall off."

"Every time a spell is cast, the caster says “Slicing the flesh, sculptured wounds my catharsis!”"

"Every time a spell is cast, must chant “You’re as ugly as the poo I left in your mama’s mouth!”"

"Every time a spell is cast, the caster says “My balls are tastier than all of yours combined!”"

"Caster writes 100x on the next tree they see: “My name is George…I eat shit for breakfast!”"

"Caster picks up a strange habit: fondling their balls/breasts in public, deliberately in front of bar-maids."

"Caster is forever unable to breathe unless their thumb is plugging up their butt."

"Target creature is far beyond driven to steal undergarments, and must do so once per day or lose 1 LP."

"Caster gives a vulgar display of power with their mouth for war by yelling, “I’m fucking hostile!”"

"Caster must end every sentence with the word ‘fatal.’"

"Caster is compelled to go to the nearest mountaintop and build a cottage."

"Caster literally shits a fucking brick—instantly!"

"Caster has an inexplicable love for ogres. MM decides how the ogres are loved."

"Every time a spell is cast, the caster says “Blood shall flow because killing is all we know!”"

"The next time the caster eats in a bar, they fart, burp, puke, and cough, all at the same time."

"Caster’s and Target’s head falls off and they die."

"The next female at whom the caster looks will queef 6d12 times in a row (and LOUDLY). [sic]"

"Caster and target begin copulating instantly for 2d10 rounds. Target bites caster’s cock, 2d4 dmg."

"Caster grows a piece of fruit from their dickhole/cuntpipe that ripens in 10 days."

"For those who weren't there, the flame wars weren't very interesting. It was all simply another chapter in the long-ass book of moron game designers who have created the "BEST GAEM EVAR!!!" Except that in this chapter, the obligatory AD&D clone featured vagina circumference stats and rape rolls, and the moron game designer's followers had all the class and brain activity of scrotum lint."

"Oh, they want to be all evil and shocking and crap. God, how pathetically they tried. I mean, imagine opening a door to find your mother and sister raping each other with pink strap-ons. And you then realize that you've never seen their bare asses before, because you're pretty sure you would have remembered the swastikas tattooed there. And upon noticing you, they grin wickedly and give you the finger in unison. It's shocking in a way that instantly blights out all rational thought, but later, you'll have to admit the finger and wicked grinning part was kinda cool. (I...guess.) That's the feeling the FATAL morons so wish they could provoke. Instead, they're more like opening that door to find your weeks-unwashed Otaku brother in his soiled underwear, masturbating furiously to - of all the goddamn things in the world - an Archie comic. And on his bare ass is a tattoo of, inexplicably, someone else's ass, and he's disgustingly fat enough for it to be a good 14 inches across. And as he goes at it, he's quietly moaning to himself about how worthless women, "fags", and "niggers" are and how they should all be raped or murdered. It's still disturbing on all kinds of levels. But it's the kind of stupid disturbing that ends with you having to answer questions to the satisfaction of a prosecuting attorney."

"Anyone with the force of will to endure reading all 900+ pages of this homesick abortion of a game (without going insane and making sacrifices to sweet Azathoth for a merciful annihilation of the universe) is no one to be fucked with. And anyone who could do that and actually play by its anal-retentive trip to hell of a rules system (without succumbing to Hall's probable compulsion to inhale Draino by the assloads) would have to be some kind of demigod."

"Juvenile ideas that even the SenZar [another widely panned RPG] guys would've been too embarrassed to touch. You know, like magical fumbles that cause clones to spawn from your cock, or make you shit constantly, or make you start anal-fisting your target while trying to bite your ear, or make you recite stupid lines that were probably ripped off from metal songs every time you cast a spell. Or magical ingredients like vaginal yeast or the "cunt-pipe" of an elderly virgin."

"[Besides the “date rape RPG”] it’s also the cock fruit, attacking turd, and (of course) gay buttfucking ogre RPG, but one thing at a time!"

"Infant modifiers are presented, in case you wanted to play Baby Geniuses against a backdrop of anus fisting and 16 foot urination. And it's not as crippling as you'd think, either. The total Strength modifier is -90, so if you were lucky enough to roll 180 Strength or so, your infant adventurer will be about as strong as an average adult human. Bodily Attractiveness is also -90, so again, an excellent roll will still leave you with average adult fuckability and little or no BA penalty to those Seduction and Sexual Adeptness rolls."

"Player 1: R0XX0R! This is the best system for emulating the myths of Heracles I've ever seen! And it's fucking sweet how all the gods, monsters, and heroes can't do anything that wouldn't be possible in real life! Player 2: Hell, yeah. When I was trying to get past Cerberus, he wasn't any tougher than a pit bull with two extra rubber heads! And later, when I was masturbating on the temple altar and I angered the gods, they didn't do anything but just Not Appear. Dude, you can't HANDLE the realism! Player 1: W00T! If this were any more realistic, you'd be able to TASTE the penis length! Player 2: Testify! Lots of people in history had penises, so it's ultra realistic and historically accurate to put in rules about that! Player 1: Man, I could cream myself just thinking about this! I can't WAIT to see if it has rules for hut building, grass growing, nose picking, and the spread of Christianity, since people experienced those during history, too!"

"Except that even SenZar Demonians were never this lame. "Most anakim are the result of an incubus or succubus mating with a human. These anakim are more commonly called cambion. Oftentimes, cambion children show no signs of life until they are seven years in age"? Right. Would-Be Mortal Mother: Oh no, a stillborn! Oh, wait, I died during childbirth. Lord Asmodean, Master of the Seven Phalluses: Huh. We should keep it around for seven years, just in case!"

"[T]he Disposition/Morality chapter is basically about Hall spending 25 pages bending "ethical/unethical" to mean "lawful/chaotic" while babbling about the deficiencies and excesses that can turn "morality" into immorality or evil. Gee, how innovative."

"Saying that this game should be burned is an insult to fire."

"I wasn't kidding when I said rape is listed as the least severe of 45 crimes. Gambling, failing to pay your rent, vagrancy, and being a wife who keeps a fucking disorderly house are all listed as more severe. It might be possible to be more of a waste of skin than Hall is, but it'd take more work than climbing a mountain. I mean, really. Hall and his idiot fanboys aren't even wannabe rapists. They're rapists' cheerleaders. Think about how pathetic that is."

"[W]hat would be left if you took the rape out of FATAL? Wow. The prospect of rolling literally hundreds of dice before your character is ready to play, or gaining the power of a giant asshole or the Cock-Eye of Truth from a magical fumble, or perhaps someday even making 20th level so you can finally be the world's best Urinator!"

"There's also the issue that the average human being will have had experience with women, as opposed to the Dunwich-dwelling inbred shack cavemen that wrote FATAL. They borrow stupid generalizations about women from ancient philosophers because they don't have the stones to say what they want to say about women; namely, that they are good because they have penises and women are just there to be slaves to them. This is just pathetic on a Biblical scale."

"It's like an express train full of things designed to hurt your mind; just when you think that it's finished running you over, another car hits you, grinding yet another valuable part of your soul beneath its wheels."

"There is no God, and the proof of this can be found in a .pdf file from Fatal Games."

"[On the “cannibalistic” Anakim hating vegetables] Maybe the guys at the grocery store have convinced the authors that all of the meat sold is actually human flesh, and not pork or beef or chicken like it says on the package. And are probably charging them double for REAL AUTHENTIC HUMAN FLESH."

"You can find personality traits matched up with physical traits, in a bit of quackery that used to be called physiognomy. The guys who wrote FATAL never left a discredited science's leg unhumped."

"In case you're sick of hating the author for his misogyny, you can start hating him for his obsession with crappy rules. If you want to create a druidic circle, then you have to use the following formula: Result = (Ae) + Ae(N1/2-1) That quiet chomping noise you're hearing is the noise that my backbrain makes while it's eating my forebrain, out of rebellion at having to do this. What the formula there suggests is something like number of druids versus time of season or something or other; I don't really care. If you have to do binomial equations in order to figure out how large a circle is, rather than abstracting it, I'm not interested."

"[Giving an example of how combat would hypothetically work] As Jack rounded the corner, he came face to face with the high priest of the cult, blood from the sacrifice still frothing at his mouth. The two stared at each other, then struck simultaneously. Jack's sword cleaved through the cultist's chest, cleaving through the nipple, the xiphoid process - the lowest part of the sternum - and the shoulder blade. The cultist's blade only caused damage to Jack's appendix and his adrenal gland, somehow missing everything else in front of and in back of Jack's adrenal gland and appendix. "Wait just a fucking minute - how the hell did our swords just do that?" said the cultist, idly scratching at his xiphoid process as he surveyed the damage. "Beats the shit out of me. FATAL, I guess," said Jack, and severed the cultist's uterus. "I don't even have a uterus," protested the cultist. "Again: FATAL," said Jack. "Fucking FATAL," muttered the cultist."

"[T]he game's basis in historical accuracy is about as firm and solid as a tubful of gelatin in an ultrasonic mixer. As a matter of fact, what's especially vexing is that the nimrod who wrote this has figured out that if you throw up a thick enough screen of bullshit, then people will get flummoxed and walk away."

"So, basically, FATAL is the date rape RPG."

"Another faulty conclusion drawn by Darren. Where is dating included?"

"[…] if anyone believes in immaculate conception, they're nieve [sic] and primitive."

"FATAL is the best role-playing game that there could be!"