105 quotes found
"Let me just say for the record that I think middle school may be the dumbest idea ever invented."
"Thank God there are a few normal people or this place would be a total freak show."
"[after getting teased by Quentin] Right now, I have to take abuse from these morons. But in twenty years, Quentin here will be workin' for me."
"She's a girl! Where do I grab her?"
"hey greg wanna come over and play?"
"So, wanna play Twisted Wizard?"
"[repeated line] Zoo-wee-mama!"
"Wow. Everyone knows me now. lt's like l'm famous!"
"[Sees Greg trying to touch the Cheese] STOP! Good God, man! You almost got the Cheese Touch."
"The Cheese Touch. Nobody knows when or how, but one day, that cheese mysteriously appeared on the blacktop. [Scene flashes forward to before the Cheese became moldy] Nobody knew who it belonged to. Nobody touched it, nobody threw it away. So there it sat, growing more foul and powerful by the day. And then, one day, a kid named Darren Walsh made the biggest mistake of his life. [Darren puts his finger on the Cheese] Darren had the Cheese Touch! It was worse than nuclear cooties. He became an outcast. [Darren cries in the hallway] The only way to get rid of the Cheese Touch was by passing it on to someone else. [Darren touches an unsuspecting girl, thus giving her the Cheese Touch] And so began the Cheese Touch frenzy! Friend turning on friend, brother turning on sister, it was madness! Until, a German exchange student named Dieter Müller took it away. Sadly for Dieter, that fact was lost in translation. Thankfully, he moved back to Düsseldorf, and took the Cheese Touch with him. [Flash forward to the present] And so the Cheese sits, patiently waiting for its next victim."
"This is a terrible place!"
"Hey, guys. Wanna see my secret freckle? Check it out, [singsong voice] it’s got a hair in it!"
"I guess this is where all the cool guys hang out."
"Wanna have a tickle fight?"
"[grunts] Come on! What are you waiting for, huh? Don't be such a wuss, Heffley. Make your move!"
"Don't make me beat you up again!"
"Can I wrestle with somebody Good Now?"
"It's completely barbaric. This place is an intellectual wasteland, but it's nice to meet a person more interested in his mind than his body."
"You rejected the school paper, but you joined the Safety Patrol? Are you working your way down the evolutionary ladder?"
"You know, Patty? One day you'll wake up and all the things you thought were important won't be anymore."
"So, look. Mom asked me to give you some advice about middle school. It's real simple: don't talk to anyone, don't look at anyone, don't go anywhere, don't sit down, don't raise your hand, don't go to the bathroom, don't get noticed, don't choose the wrong locker, don't... [sighs] Who am I kidding? You'll be dead or homeschooled by the end of the year anyway. [patting Greg's head] And don't be seen with Rowley."
"What did I tell you would happen if you ever went into my room again?"
"It's the bass solo, Turd Burglar! Don't you know anything about music? Listen, I came here to get a new drumstick, and now Greg, since Mom and Dad are gone, I'm going to kill you. Literally kill you!"
"[to Rowley] Beat it."
"What? [Greg run offs. Rowley holds onto to Rodrick's leg to stop him] Let go, baby hippo!"
"I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons."
"How to be wimp cool."
"Wimp is in!"
"It's not a diary, it's a movie!"
"It's not a movie, it's a survival guide."
"Zachary Gordon as Greg Heffley"
"Robert Capron – Rowley Jefferson"
"Devon Bostick – Rodrick Heffley"
"Rachel Harris – Susan Heffley"
"Steve Zahn – Frank Heffley"
"Chloë Grace Moretz – Angie Steadman"
"Karan Brar – Chirag Gupta"
"Grayson Russel – Fregley"
"Laine MacNeil – Patty Farrell"
"Connor Fielding and Owen Fielding – Manny Heffley"
"Alex Ferris as Collin Lee"
"Andrew McNee – Coach Malone"
"Rob LaBelle – Mr. Winsky"
"Alf Humphreys – Mr. Jefferson"
"Belita Moreno – Mrs. Norton"
"Harrison Houde – Darren Walsh"
"[to Greg] This "Mom Bucks" thing is a gold mine muchacho. Better not ruin it for me."
"[to Greg as he threatens to call mom] REMINDER! You can't call if you're dead."
"[bitterly to Greg] You're my brother. But you'll never be my friend."
"[running with Greg's diary] "I can't believe my luck! I finally have Holly all to myself without Chirag, or anyone else!""
"Oh, honey, hi! Remember when we were young like this? And we used to dance and go to parties and stuff like that?"
"What did I say about being civil to one another?! That's all I asked of you! [as time passes] Well, you have blown it big time! Never been more embarrassed. Everyone we know was there. [emotionally] I have no idea how I'm gonna write my column this week. I feel like a complete fraud!"
"Rodrick, I've lived in this house for 10 years. I've locked that door 10,000 times because sometimes it's my only moment of privacy of the day. I know there was a lock on that door."
"[enters Greg's room; sternly to Greg] Greg. Two words: Bathroom… door."
"Zachary Gordon - Greg Heffley"
"Devon Bostick - Rodrick Heffley"
"Robert Capron - Rowley Jefferson"
"Rachael Harris - Susan Heffley"
"Steve Zahn - Frank Heffley"
"Connor and Owen Fielding - Manny Heffley"
"Peyton List - Holly Hills"
"Fran Kranz - Bill Walter"
"Karan Brar - Chirag Gupta"
"Grayson Russell - Fregley"
"Laine MacNeil - Patty Farrell"
"Terence Kelly - Grandpa Heffley"
"A refrigerator? Ready-made meals? And a TV? This isn't camping!"
"I feel like a gangster right now!"
"This song goes out to a very special little lady. Heather Hills... this one's for you."
"Loaded diaper, activate."
"Hey, what is that? A store-bought s'mores maker? A TV?! Pre-tied knots?! Stan, you're a phony! So much for the big camper."
"You know what my grandpa always used to say? "A man who never made a mistake never made anything. The trick is to be responsible and to learn from your mistakes." And you can do that. You're a really great kid, Greg. And I'm not just saying that because we're a lot alike."
"Heather: [after Rodrick knocks down her ice bust; enraged] No. NO! [picks up a microphone stand and walks over to him; lividly] I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!"
"Devon Bostick as Rodrick Heffley"
"Robert Capron as Rowley Jefferson"
"Rachael Harris as Susan Heffley"
"Steve Zahn as Frank Heffley"
"Connor and Owen Fielding as Manny Heffley"
"Peyton List as Holly Hills"
"Melissa Roxburgh as Heather Hills"
"Karan Brar as Chirag Gupta"
"Grayson Russell as Fregley"
"Alf Humphreys as Mr. Jefferson"
"Bronwen Smith as Mrs. Jefferson"
"Oliver the Dog as Sweetie Heffley"
"Phil Hayes as Stan Warren"
"Jeff Kinney as Mr. Hills"
"I got us a microwave pizza. [he puts the pizza on a black box which is usually a safe which is locked up tight instead of a microwave] And they disguised it as a microwave."
"This is an unplugged road trip."
"The only connection we're gonna do, is with each other."
"The pig's better potty trained than you, Greg."
"Greg Heffley! You are grounded for life! And I swear, never again will you play a video game as long as there is breath in my body."
"A Wimp Will Rise"
"Jason Drucker as Greg Heffley"
"Owen Asztalos as Rowley Jefferson"
"Charlie Wright as Rodrick Heffley"
"Alicia Silverstone as Susan Heffley"
"Tom Everett Scott as Frank Heffley"
"Wyatt and Dylan Walters as Manny Heffley"
"Joshua Hoover as Mac Digby"
"Christopher A. Coppola as Mr. Beardo"
"Kimberli Lincoln as Mrs. Beardo"
"Mira Silverman as Brandi Beardo"
"Mimi Gould as Meemaw"