171 quotes found
"(as Tony Blair): "Look we believe Saddam has weapons of mass destruction. Now if we don't attack him, then he might not use them, and in that case we'll never know whether he's got them or not. And you know, that's not a risk I'm prepared to take. Besides if we do conquer Iraq, and remove Saddam Hussein, there's a chance we could win the Nobel Peace Prize, and you know, frankly, isn't that something worth going to war for?""
"Bremner (as himself): "But let's be clear. We're talking about a country where there's no opposition. As leader he can ignore Parliament and - sorry that's Tony Blair isn't it? Um, so he doesn't even have to ask the country before he goes to war - sorry that's still Tony Blair. No, the difference is Saddam rules Iraq through a combination of terror and brutality, backed up by a vicious regime of intimidation and torture - or is that David Blunkett? As absolute ruler Saddam recently claimed 100% victory in a Presidential Election." John Fortune: "Although that's not surprising, given that voters were accompanied into the booths by Saddam's Ba'ath party officials, and given a choice between voting for Saddam or voting for their wives and children to be killed, and their houses to be burnt down." Bremner (as Peter Snow): "And just a bit of fun, just a bit of fun, even small children were counted as supporters on the principle that you might as well throw in the baby with the Ba'ath voter.""
"(as himself): "So to recap: we may or may not be going to war with Iraq because Saddam may or may not have weapons of mass destruction, which he may or may not use, or pass to other terrorists groups with whom he may or may not have links.""
"(as himself): "Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden are much like Nancy Dell'Olio and Ulrika Jonsson: they can't stand each other, but they both enjoy fucking the same bloke.""
"(as himself): "Multimedia? As far as I’m concerned, it’s reading with the radio on.""
"Don't vote, it just encourages them."
"I know at least... oh my God, at least 127 words. And I still prefer "Fuck"."
"Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.""
"Toblerones! It's impossible to eat a fucking Toblerone without hurting yourself!"
"Look at this way: if we all ate one person, the problem would be halved over-night. Think about it: I could eat someone you don't like, you could eat someone I don't like... where's the fucking damage?"
"I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog."
"Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex, and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you."
"There is no such thing as bad language: it's just our morals that are fucked."
"I leave you with a complaint. Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... well, it's because the national anthem is boring."
"Politically correct is the language of cowardice."
"The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather."
"(To audience members who were arriving late) You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here."
"The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people""
"You've made a happy man very old."
"That man (Ronald Reagan, who was President of the USA at the time), he sits at that desk in the White House, and the button is there that can end the world: BOOM! My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television!"
"I came here on Concorde today... and I arrived before I fucking left!"
"People die all the time. It's just that you're not around."
"Aromatherapy bollox!"
"Recently, I turned 60... and even more recently, I turned 62. That was a bastard, I don't even remember the 61."
"I'm a huge filmstar... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first fifteen fucking minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a fucking Muppet movie."
"Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time and you'll have the time of your life."
"My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard."
"I was always confused with what was near-sight and what was far-sight. Now I'm not confused at all: I've got both, I don't give a fuck which is which."
"No children were abused in the making of this show. No one was hurt and no Islamic cartoons were used. You know, for those of you that can't take a fucking joke."
"There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!"
"Apparently the only way to avoid a sudden agonising death, is to walk around in tights with a bottle of vinegar. I'd rather be fucking dead!"
"I stood on a stone fish once." "Oh yeah, how was it?" "Worst fucking pain known to man." "Have you known a lot of pain?" "Aye, I fell off my bike once."
"Christians shouldn't be allowed near rock and roll. It's not for them! It's not fucking for them! They should all join the Brothers of the Beige or some fucking thing - "The Beige Sisters of Premenstrual Agony." The fucking...! You see them - Christian rock! Is there such a fucking absurdity in the world? [makes screeching noises imitating a metal guitar, then speaks quietly] "He is my saviour!" That's not rock and roll! That's Youth Club Table Tennis fucking crap! Rock and roll is [shrieking] "I AM THE DEVIL AND I WANNA FUCK YOUR MOTHER!""
"Religion is over, lads, it's fucking over. Take your reformation, your Vatican, your fucking Mecca and fuck off. Suicide fucking bombing, there's a bright idea! Every time there's a bang, the world's a wanker short! Fucking idiots! I want to see the instructor: "Right, lads, I'm only going to show you this once..." Fucking pricks! And it depends on what newspaper you read, how many virgins you get for blowing yourself up. How are you gonna shag them when you're now flying mince?!"
"53 fucking virgins! [laughs] The very thought of 53 fucking virgins, it's a nightmare! It's not a fucking present, it's not a prize - it's a punishment! Give me two fire-breathing whores any day of the week! I'm a slut man!"
"Your parents choosing your fucking marriage partner - don't be ridiculous! Fucking stupid! "That's her over there, son." "Which one? They're all the fucking same, dad! Black with a wee fucking window!""
"[stamps his foot, which knocks his drink over] Oh fuck, I did this last night as well!"
"Who the fuck are you? Get out of my house...and take that fucking bulldozer with you."
"My wife said "I want to sell the house and buy a yacht". I said "What?! You do realise I live here? Comedian, Scottish guy. There's 3 kids over there, each have their own rooms. C'mon, I'll show you, they live here too.""
"[to the front of audience] What was I talking about? Can you remember, eh? What? [to audience at the back] Shut the fuck up, I'm talking to someone! [to front again] Button your cardigan, I can see your cleavage."
"You said, "If you're ever in Los Angeles we must have dinner"- well, he's here. That's not an invitation! Translated, it means: "You're a boring piece of shit, I'm off, I've had enough of you!""
"[Singing] "Oh, the big fire engine goes ding-a-ling-a-ling." No, it fucking doesn't. It used to."
"We all know that at 5 in the morning the lanes behind hotels are full of children, especially wee blind ones who can't see fucking trucks coming."
"Poos himself on stage, classic Billy"
"It's pish!"
"I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little."
"Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace."
"Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose."
"For years I thought the club's name was Partick Thistle Nil."
"I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something."
"Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh."
"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."
"Never trust anybody with only one book."
"The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one."
"The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards."
"There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter."
"When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?"
"Life for me is great. I'm a very f***in' wealthy person, I'm married to a very beautiful woman and I get laid with monotonous regularity."
"There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool, That's noted for fresh air and fun."
"A grand little lad was young Albert, All dressed in his best; quite a swell. With a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle, The finest that Woolworth's could sell."
"They didn't think much to the Ocean, The waves, they was fiddlin' and small, There was no wrecks and nobody drownded, Fact, nothing to laugh at at all."
"Now Albert had heard about lions, How they was ferocious and wild; And to see Wallace lying so peaceful, Just didn't seem right to the child. So straightway the brave little feller, Not showing a morsel of fear, Took his stick with the 'orses 'ead 'andle, And shoved it in Wallace's ear."
"Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence, And didn't know what to do next, Said "Mother! Yon Lion's 'et Albert," And Mother said "Well, I am vexed!""
"At that Mother got proper blazing, "And thank you, sir, kindly," said she. "What, waste all our lives raising children To feed ruddy Lions? Not me!""
"Y' not charging tuppence for that little lad?" Said Mother, her eyes flashing wild. "Per tuppence per person per trip," answered Ted, "Per woman, per man, or per child."
"Noah said "Nay; I'll make thee an offer, The same as I did t'other day. A penny a foot and a free ride. Now, come on, lad, what does tha say?" "Three ha'pence a foot," came the answer. So Noah 'is sail 'ad to hoist, And sailed off again in a dudgeon, While Sam stood determined, but moist."
"So with 'is 'ead down in a corner, On 'is front paws 'e started to walk, And 'e coughed and 'e sneezed and 'e gargled, Till Albert shot out like a cork. Old Wallace felt better direc'ly, And 'is figure once more became lean, But the only difference with Albert Was 'is face and 'is 'ands were quite clean."
"Then giving young Albert a shilling, He said "Pop off back to the Zoo. 'Ere's your stick with the 'orses's 'ead 'andle, Go and see what the Tigers can do!""
"Sam, Sam, pick oop tha musket."
"Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations."
"In 1963 the BBC premiered a show about an alien Who traveled through space and time to combat the powers of evil. … The show has been running in Britain almost fifty years, with many different actors in the role of The Doctor. … One thing is consistent though and this is why the show is so beloved by geeks and nerds — It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism! Intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism! And if there is any hope for any of us in this giant explosion in which we inhabit then surely that’s it: Intellect and romance triumph over brute force and cynicism!"
"I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page."
"Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain."
"In a Scottish opera, it ain't over 'till the fat lady bitch-slaps you."
"I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie."
"Whaa, I'm Brad Pitt. I'll crush you." [audience laughs] "With my hand!"
"He's quiet as well, especially if you stalk him."
"As a vulgar lounge entertainer, my business relies on ridiculous stereotypes! If these people start using deodorant, I might as well just go home!"
"You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you."
"Get well soon, Castro. [pause] Actually, no, don't; die, you bastard!"
"I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing [sic] me."
"He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name."
"That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself."
"I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't."
"Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!"
"Oh, this isn't a talk show; it's more just filling time, really, 'til the infomercials start."
"You don't say 'we're suspending the campaign'! You can't say that! We didn't sus-, you can't, it's the democratic process! We didn't suspend it for 9/11, we didn't suspend it for Pearl Harbor, we didn't suspend it for the Nazis, we didn't suspend it for the damn British! We don't do that in America! We don't! There's no suspending the campaign! Democracy first! First, first, first! First! Democracy, FIRST!"
"I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass."
"Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you."
"Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey."
"[to Rupert Grint] Look at the great city of LA stretched out in front of you, son: there's dangerous people living in that cardboard backdrop."
"Don't do that... By the way, this is not Oprah furniture; you jump on this, and it will be firewood... Oprah's got the real thing, this stuff...this is about as real as that [points to cityscape backdrop] right there."
"Clive Barker: It's an excuse to look at my groin. Craig Ferguson: I'm European - I don't need an excuse."
"Craig Ferguson: Do you do therapy? Hugh Laurie: I see a gentleman once a week. Craig Ferguson: I love it, I'm a great convert. Hugh Laurie: Therapy? Craig Ferguson: No, just seeing a gentleman once a week."
"I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc."
"I view my own body as a Donalds hiccups I am the main attraction... And the only customer."
"[reading an email] "Dear Craig, … are your letters written by your writers?" No. "Does this make me one of your writers?" (ponders) Yes. "Why haven't I been paid?" Because you're one of my writers!"
"[to camera] Excuse me for just a second. [walks off-camera, to studio audience] Shut up!"
"[bends over] *errgh* Sorry for making that noise, but … that's what happens when you get older. One day what happens is that you bend over, and you never come back."
"Laughter separates us from despair and gives us a chance at love."
"[The Secretariat horse character reveals his true identity, and it happens to be Bob Newhart.]"
"[When beginning the cold open with another person] Please state your name for the camera."
"Another innocent victim of my pointless rage."
"I can't live by your rules, man!"
"[After the doorbell rings, right before Secretariat appears] Who's that at the door?!"
"It's a great day for America, everybody."
"Remind you of anyone?"
"[referring to himself] Where's the Scottish Conan guy?"
"Sounds like a party at Elton John's house."
"It's a JOKE!"
"[referring to a category of people he might have upset with a joke] I'm looking forward to your letters..."
"[in reference to a two-word comment from a guest] ...I used to dance under that name."
"It's okay, I'm European [referring to a preceding sexually ambiguous comment]."
"I Know!...."
"...or is it?"
"...best night of my life."
"You know who doesn't like _____? Al-Qaeda!"
"[referring to a suggestive comment aimed at the audience] You too, ladies."
"[with a fist-shake] Take that, ____."
"By the way, there's a place on Hollywood Boulevard where you can get a _____ for twenty bucks."
"By the way, _____ was a name I used to dance under."
"By the way, _____ was the name of a movie I accidentally watched in a hotel room twenty or thirty times."
"Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys."
"Welcome back, my filthy pigeons."
"Welcome back, my naughty monkeys. [whipcrack]"
"Welcome back, my naughty donkeys."
"Welcome back, my naughty penguins."
"Welcome back, my frisky badgers"
"Welcome back to the big show where (at this point, he references something from earlier in the show)"
"Do what you love, and what you're proud of, and you're fuckin' bulletproof. You're fuckin' bulletproof. If you do what you absolutely believe to be right, then you're fuckin' bulletproof."
"Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of “what if” when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized."
"They could have gotten help for this infertility but they believed that interfering with the reproductive process, even if it was faulty, was anti-God. It was against His plan. It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots."
"Change is the nature of God’s mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain."
"The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men."
"Fraser’s mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo-intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place."
"Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea."
"High school is tough on anyone, an absolute rule of the Universe being that if high school is not a buttockclenchingly awkward, emotionally difficult, and unpleasant time of your life, then the rest of it will be a crushing disappointment. Academic success is desirable, popularity (the only thing that most students really desire) is not. Those who excel socially in high school are truly damned. The homecoming queen does indeed bear the mark of the beast."
"Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt."
"Always laugh second."
"Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken."
"Like many of her sex, Sophie was fiercely competitive with other women, working on the crackpot theory that if she could be better in some way, men would like her more, respect her. Make her happy. She never cottoned on that the men she was attracted to, the men who found her attractive, didn’t like women."
"That’s the thing about terrorism – it works. Especially for the terrorists – they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying."
"Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies."
"Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself."
"Time is only linear for engineers and referees."
"The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It’s camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it."
"Failure is not a disgrace. It’s just a pitch that you missed, and you’d better get ready for the next one... My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don’t."
"I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn’t poison the writing that I was discovering for myself."
"Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form."
"Sober alkies are often asked: “When did you hit rock bottom?” but a more informed question might be: “How many times did you hit rock bottom?"
"Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it."
"There are bound to be some lies here, but I’ve been telling them so long they’ve become truth, my truth, as close as I can get to what really happened."
"Between safety and adventure I choose adventure."
"America is, for me, an aspiration, a philosophy, a way of being, a dream."
"The trouble I have with astrophysics or quantum mechanics is the same problem I have with philosophy; which is: initially it is mind blowing, then it is fascinating, then it is disturbing, then it is almost uncomprehensible, then it's fascinating again, then you disappear up your own ass."
"'Twas the fifteenth anniversary of her twenty-second year, So he smiled at her as sweetly as a hog And asked what present she would like. And jestingly she said: "Your green tie for my little yellow dog.""
"There's a cockeyed yellow poodle to the north of Conga Pooch; There's a little hot cross bun that's turning green; There's a double-jointed woman doing tricks in Chu-Chin-Chow, And you're a better man than I am, Gunga Din."
"She knows I'm a deserter from the Scottish Fusiliers, She knows I stole a blind-man's can...that got me seven years! She knows I've been connected with a gang of West-End Pests, And the police have had me twice inside the cage; And she knows I mix with ladies that have got a shady past, But my mother doesn't know I'm on the stage."
"And you can't part a boy from his father, You can't part a boy from his dad, You can't part a Scotchman from money No matter how many he's had. You can't part the skin of a sausage Or a dad from his fond son and heir, And you can't part the hair on a bald-headed man For there'll be no parting there."
"Remember what the Patriarch King Solomon Told his harem on the night they'd had a few: "Teetotalum overcoatum asqua scutum atomack Sonata with tomoto, laringitis, cul de sac." Translation: "If your rhubarb's fallen try and bend it back." That's a motto for the likes of me and you."
"Billy Bennett – I speak of the artist – was forthright, bawdy, and wholesome…[His] grossness had that gusto about it which is like a high wind blowing over a noisome place."
"I use it to receive scripts, and send e-mails. But I prefer pigeon! They’re much more friendly, and you can talk to them as well!"
"Theatre is like broad brush painting, where you can go anywhere with your brush. But film is like painting with one of those little, pointy brushes, a stroke here and a stroke there. I love that as well. You have to internalise everything and get it right deep inside. And when you feel you get it right, it’s almost orgasmic! It’s a lovely experience."
"As an actor – I’d been an actor for many years before I did Doctor Who – you have an effect on an audience. You hear them laugh, you hear them cry in the theatre, or every now and again if you do a telly or a film, you bump into someone in the street and they might say something nice. But working with the fans and meeting them all around the world, they come to you and tell you that ‘you got me through my childhood’, ‘I had an unhappy childhood but Doctor Who was there for me’. I’ve met scientists who said ‘I became a scientist, I became a doctor because of you and Doctor Who’ and you think ‘wow, I was only trying to learn the lines and not bump into the monsters’. I didn’t realise that there was this other effect. So it’s very touching, moving and humbling. I’d say that."
"For the system to actually disregard such things means that your actions no longer matter - they decide what your context and intent is. For any comedians making jokes in Britain, I'd be very, very worried about your future because - the context and intent - apparently they don't matter anymore"
"A man has been convicted in a UK court of making a joke that was deemed "grossly offensive". If you don't believe in a person's right to say things that you might find "grossly offensive", then you don't believe in Freedom of Speech."
"The people who are involved in the development of making films and television are not necessarily the most imaginative of people, to be honest. Well, they're not! I'm not being generically rude. But it's just a fact."
"... by looking at autistic women I admired I began to realize that an autistic brain could provide an escape route from the traditional paths laid out for women."
"Autistic women have an almost childlike sense of injustice, meaning they are also often ahead of the curve in pushing feminist interests forward."
"... I would rather be an autistic woman than a neurotypical one. I always felt like women seem to look left and right at what other women are doing and are influenced by their peers. If I’d have been more influenced by my peers, I don’t know what I would have ended up doing."
"There's not enough talk of how weird neurotypicals are."