201 quotes found
"Welcome back! If you're wondering where our good friend -- Kevin Eubanks couldn't be here. Kevin is on tour. He's in France right now. He called me today and he's over there and he wouldn't be back until next week. So if you're wondering where Kevin Eubanks is, he's with us in spirit certainly. Okay. Boy, this is the hard part. I want to thank you, the audience. You folks have been just incredibly loyal. (emotionally) This is tricky. (laughs) We wouldn't be on the air without you people. Secondly, this has been the greatest 22 years of my life. (applause) I am the luckiest guy in the world. I got to meet presidents, astronauts, movie stars, it's just been incredible. I got to work with lighting people who made me look better than I really am. I got to work with audio people who made me sound better than I really do. (voice breaking) And I got to work with producers! And writers! (choked pause) And just all kinds of talented people who make me look a lot smarter than I really am. I'll tell you something. First year of this show, I lost my mom. Second year, I lost my dad; then my brother died. And after that, I was pretty much out of family. And the folks here became my family. Consequently, when they went through rough times, I tried to be there for them. The last time we left the show, you might remember we had the 64 children that were born among all our staffers that married. That was a great moment. And when people say to me, hey why don't you go to ABC? Why don't you go to FOX? Why don't you go…? I didn't know anybody over there. These are the only people I have ever known. I'm also proud to say this is a a union show. And I have never worked (applause) -- I have never worked with a more professional group of people in my life. They get paid good money and they do a good job. And when the guys and women on this show would show me the new car they bought or the house up the street here in Burbank that one of the guys got, I felt I played a bigger role in their success as they played in mine. That was just a great feeling. And I'm really excited for Jimmy Fallon. You know, it's fun to kind of be the old guy and sit back here and see where the next generation takes this great institution, and it really is. It's been a great institution for 60 years. I am so glad I got to be a part of it, but it really is time to go, hand it off to the next guy; it really is. And in closing, I want to quote Johnny Carson, who was the greatest guy to ever do this job. And he said, I bid you all a heartfelt good night. Now that I brought the room down, hey, Garth, have you got anything to liven this party up? Give it a shot! Garth Brooks!"
"106 [degrees] in the valley… I was sweating like Dan Rather checking for forged documents."
"I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for "Running off to Canada"."
"How many watched the President's speech last night? [half-hearted audience applause] How many watched American Idol? [thundering applause] Okay, there you go! You get the government you deserve."
"So China's president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh— meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?"."
"A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. […] At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time."
"And some sad news… the first lesbian couple to legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities."
"Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed."
"Afterwards, President Bush said, "Maliki is the right man for the job." Just to remind you, Bush also said FEMA's Michael Brown was the right man for the job, Donald Rumsfeld was the right man for the job, Tom DeLay was the right man for the job… which would be okay if Bush was the right man for the job."
"Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference."
"Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation…"
"No, they said they do not believe in evolution, then they said the biggest threat to America: religious radicals living in the Dark Ages."
"Fred, what happened to your ass?" "Oh, the fat guy at the office sneezed on me."
"I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking."
"How many of you watched the vice presidential debate expecting Sarah Palin to screw up? Be honest. [cheers and applause] : And how many of you watched the debate expecting Joe Biden to screw up? [more cheers and applause] : And how many of you watched the baseball game knowing the Cubs would screw up? [more applause]"
"[about the Chicago Cubs being swept by the L.A. Dodgers in the 2008 NLDS]: How about next year, we only let the Cubs play using steroids?"
"Folks, tomorrow America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for: "Former president George Bush"."
"Hillary says she has been tested. Well, I hope so. You never know what Bill might bring home."
"And as you know, this whole Hillary e-mail scandal brought Anthony Wiener back into the news. Now here's a question nobody has asked. Anthony Wiener is Jewish, right? Right? So does this scandal make him a Hebrew National Wiener?"
"The economy is so bad, two Milwaukee men were arrested this week for trying to join ISIS. Did you hear their excuse, they said, "Hey! Nobody else is hiring!" THAT'S how bad it is!"
"The economy is so bad, I saw Matthew McConaughey talking to himself in a Kia! THAT'S how bad it is!"
"Well, there's nothing funnier to me than the French. The French Resistance is probably the biggest mythical joke that ever existed. There were four guys in the French Resistance. They couldn't hand over the Jewish people fast enough. Oh, please, don't tell me about the French. The French have all sorts of secret deals with Saddam and everybody else for two cents a liter. It's an easy target."
"French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly."
""This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That's like a record."
"Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. … They won after France’s best player got ejected for head butting. That’s the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years"
"In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously."
"Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they're good at it."
"There were just things in Disney movies that probably were too scary for kids."
"There were nude pictures... a lot of it is erotic or sexual. But I don't view my collection as dirty in any way. I view it as art."
"Does anyone come back from this? I don't know the answer to that, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let this destroy me."
"Please accept my apology for not going public with what I've been facing the last six years. I have always felt a huge amount of love and respect from my friends, fans and supporters. I have loved you all so much and enjoyed making art for you."
"I'm not a gay man, but I will say this: I get it now. I know what all the hype is about."
"How big are muffins going to get before we all join hands across America? Have you seen them? They're huge. You walk in, "Yeah, I'll take a coffee and... Oh my God! Yeah, I'll take the bean bag chair with raisins. Wooh! Yeah! Alright, can't believe this is fat-free! Hey, you wanna help me out to the trunk of my car? No, leave the Saran Wrap on it I'll use it to cover my pool, this is good.""
"When you're big you don't need a reason to sweat. You don't, right? My friends cannot grab a hold of this concept. They come up to me all the time like "Jeez! What have you been doing? What are ya jumpin rope in the attic?!" "Well, I peeled an orange.. about an hour ago. Why, what's up?""
"This annoyed me: I was on the phone with somebody today tryin to get a phone number from that person and write it down, but they didn't have phone number rhythm and that pissed me off. You know what I'm talkin about? Phone number rhythm. Especially if there's like an area code involved, like 'two one two - bum bum buh - bum buh bum buh!' That is the rhythm I think we're all familiar with. This guy had no clue! I was like "Okay, Hank. Gimme the number." He's like "Alright. It's two one two nine - fifteen eight eleven six [mumbling incoherently] fou.. tw.. five.. eight.. seven.. two." "Did you throw in your zip code? Cause I got a lot of extra numbers over here. I have extra. I can almost start a new number! What do ya got?! Start again from the top!" They really screw you up on the last four numbers. That's where they get ya. "Five five five - six.. teen forty one" "Dude, I already wrote the six! I made the dash too close, I can't shimmy the one in there now! Forget you!""
"The important thing with a child is that you love them, you protect them and you help them to grow and find out who they are. And as a parent, it's my responsibility to help them to become independent and get all the knowledge and a broad view of the world and life. I know that Nic [former wife Nicole Kidman] absolutely agrees with that. And that's what's important: being there."
"I kept looking [at wife Katie Holmes] and thinking, 'This woman's amazing.' I'm happy that I'm with her. She's amazing, and I'd think the same of her even if she wasn't with me -- she's just amazing."
"It was more than fun, and it was more than great... It was historic. What Oprah did by acknowledging those women... they've not only had an impact on women, and African-American women, but on men, and on the world. They really have changed the culture for the better. It's a great inspiration."
"Sex is about the connection. Great sex is a by-product, for me, of a great relationship, where you have communication and it's an extension of that. Where it's just free. And that's how it should be. It's spectacular."
"I think it's a privilege to call yourself a Scientologist and it's something you have to earn. And because a Scientologist does, he or she has the ability to create new and better realities, and improve conditions."
"There was a time I went through [the Scientology doctrine], I said, you know what, when I read it, I just thought 'Whoa', this is it. This is exactly it."
"Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident, it's not like anyone else, it's, you drive past, you know you have to do something about it. You know you are the only one who can really help. That's what drives me."
"We are the authorities on getting people off drugs. We are the authorities on the mind. We are the authorities on improving conditions. Criminon (sic). We can rehabilitate criminals. We can bring peace and unite cultures."
"It's like, we're here to help. If you're a Scientologist, you see life, things, the way they are, in all its glory, in all of its perplexity, and the more you know as a Scientologist, you don't become overwhelmed by it."
"I have to tell you something. It really is, you know, it's rough and tumble. It's wild and woolly. It's a blast...it's a blast. It really is fun, because dammit, there's nothing better than to going out there and fighting the fight …"
"I want to know that I've done everything I could every day I think of all those people out there who are depending on us. I think about it. It does make me feel we need more work, more help. Get those spectators on the playing field, or out of the arena. Really, that is how I feel about it. I do what I can, and I do it the way I do everything … there's nothing part of the way for me."
"I believe in God. … There is no way you can be up here [in the Rocky Mountains] and think that there isn't a God."
"But even when I started out with Risky Business and Top Gun came out, there was the paparazzi. You knew them, and I could go up to them and say, 'Give me a break tonight. I'll give you the shots tomorrow'."
"That's laughable to me. That stuff's laughable."
"Tom Cruise, he’s a lot more famous than me."
"Working with Tom is one of the greatest gifts I've ever been given by this business."
"When you talk about a great actor, you're not talking about Tom Cruise."
"The real movie stars were Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall, Spencer Tracy, Montgomery Clift. How could I put myself in the same category as Clark Gable? Tom Cruise is a great movie star. Do I consider myself a movie star? I consider myself a guy with a good job, an interesting job."
"I hate Tom Cruise. First of all, he’s always smiling. No 5' 8" man, not even one who lives on a diet of Ritalin and gin, is happy like that all the time. He’s always got this shit-eating grin on his face, like he just got a note from his managers telling him that Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman are extending their confidentiality agreements. Second, in TV interviews Tom laughs inappropriately and much too vociferously at non-humorous declarative statements, which is ironic because in real life he can’t take a fucking joke at all."
"[On the number of victims in the Holocaust] I mean when the war was over they said it was 12 million. Then it was six. Now it’s four. I mean it’s that kind of numbers game The Second World War killed tens of millions of people. Some of them were Jews in concentration camps. Many people lost their lives. In the Ukraine, several million starved to death between 1932 and 1933. During the last century, 20 million people died in the Soviet Union. Nobody wants to have their name, you know, besmirched on the front of newspapers and people say wicked things about them and their family and call them all sorts of names, accuse them of being anti-Semitic and everything else. I mean that’s not part of my design. I don’t enjoy experiencing that. That’s just coming from some place that I have no control over."
"The precursors to a civilization that’s going under are the same, time and time again. … What's human sacrifice if not sending guys off to Iraq for no reason?"
"If you're going to wear three hats, you'd better grow two more heads."
"I don't think of myself as either American or Australian really, I'm a true hybrid. It's a good thing for me because both of them are really good countries."
"My family means more to me than the artificial trappings of my career. If ever I had to choose between my career and my family, the wife and kids would definitely come out on top."
"I'm not anti-Semitic. My Gospels are not anti-Semitic. I've shown it to many Jews and they're like, it's not anti-Semitic. It's interesting that the people who say it's anti-Semitic say that before they saw the film, and they said the same thing after they saw the film."
"I don't feel like I want to get in front of a camera any more. I like getting, you know, just being a slob behind a camera and watching other people look good. You know, I might not hurry back. I might go and go somewhere no-one can find me. You know where that is? You know where the place is no-one can find you? I was thinking of pitching my tent right next to the weapons of mass destruction. Then no-one would find me."
"They take it up the ass. [pointing at his posterior] This is only for taking a shit."
"I became an actor despite that. But with this look, who's going to think I'm gay? It would be hard to take me for someone like that. Do I sound like a homosexual? Do I talk like them? Do I move like them?"
"Hey, I'm for love, not war. How about we have a beer?"
"The L.A. Times, it's an anti-Christian publication, as is the New York Times."
"There is no salvation for those outside the Church [...] I believe it."
"[On criticism of Catherine Emmerich, the 19th century Augustinian nun whose visions greatly influenced Gibson's film The Passion of the Christ] Why are they calling her a Nazi? ... Because modern secular Judaism wants to blame the Holocaust on the Catholic Church. And it's a lie. And it's revisionism. And they've been working on that one for a while."
"This is not a Christian versus Jewish thing. '(Jesus) came into the world and it knew him not.' Looking at Christ's crucifixion, I look first at my own culpability in that."
"The only way to maintain a moderate sum of happiness in this life, is not to worry about the future or regret the past too much."
"Fucking Jews... Jews are responsible for all wars in the world."
"What are you looking at, sugartits?"
"After drinking alcohol on Thursday night, I did a number of things that were very wrong and for which I am ashamed. I drove a car when I should not have, and was stopped by the L.A. County sheriffs. The arresting officer was just doing his job and I feel fortunate that I was apprehended before I caused injury to any other person. I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested, and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable. I am deeply ashamed of everything I said and I apologize to anyone who I have offended. Also, I take this opportunity to apologize to the deputies involved for my belligerent behavior. They have always been there for me in my community and indeed probably saved me from myself. I disgraced myself and my family with my behavior and for that I am truly sorry. I have battled the disease of alcoholism for all of my adult life and profoundly regret my horrific relapse. I apologize for any behavior unbecoming of me in my inebriated state and have already taken necessary steps to ensure my return to health."
"I fully support the efforts of Mr. & Mrs. Schindler to save their daughter, Terri Schiavo, from a cruel starvation. Terri's husband should sign the care of his wife over to her parents so she can be properly cared for."
"You're an embarrassment to me. You look like a fucking bitch in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of niggers, it will be your fault."
"Who wants to eat?! Who the fuck wants to eat?! Go have something to eat! Hurrrrraaaaayyyyyy!"
"I mean, with all this talk of building walls, and stuff like that, I think it's worth remembering that if you look at the servicemen and the military in this country, a lot of them have names like Ramirez and Hernandez and Rodriguez. And just from my reading, it's interesting that many of these men fight and die for their country – and women – and some of them don’t even get their citizenship until after they’re dead. So I think talk of walls and so forth is nonsensical. Hey, it's not the happiest political climate I've ever seen. There doesn't seem to be a very good option for me."
"I never would have thought being high in a zoo would lead to that."
"Everything I did on that show was me screwing around in the hallways, running around looking for attention. Joe Pesci, I never said 'Oh, I wanna do the Joe Pesci Show.' It was me, sitting around, bored out of my mind, and just walking the hallways going [Joe Pesci voice] 'Where do you get your culios big enough to call me...wait, I'm not gonna answer ya! S'ya worryin' about your weight, ya fat bastard, otherwise you wouldn't have problems upstairs doin' ya wife!' And this stoner guy, who was an intern, said 'Hey man, you should do that on [Weekend] Update!' He said, 'Well, "Casino's" coming out, and you should go on as Pesci and have Norm [MacDonald] say he's never heard of it.' Originally, it was me and the stoner intern, and I'd go on and Norm MacDonald's [Norm MacDonald voice] 'Hey, here to see, tell you how to do a movie, is Joe Pesci over here!' And I'd come on, [Joe Pesci voice] 'Hey, blah blah blah blah!' And he goes 'Well, I've never heard of it,' and I knock the crap out of him. And then some writer was like 'Wait wait wait, what are you doing? Hey, I've got an idea for it.' And then we went in..."
"The goat thing, I went out, I was drinking some beers with the writers - writers I couldn't stand, and they didn't like me either. They were all like Harvard, Yale, and [imperious voice] 'We've been studying comedy for seven years, and...we've never been on stage, but we know comedy! Bwahahaha!' So I said 'Listen, I know this is a little out there, but what about a guy...who has Tourette's of a goat?' And these guys just stare at me like 'Man, Breuer's HIGH out of his MIND!' I said 'The more he drinks, the more he starts eating the curtains, and he gets nuts and sings karaoke at the end of the night.' And then about two weeks later, this guy came back, he's like, 'Hey, I've got an idea for that weird goat thing you were talking about.' He said 'What if he only sings 80's?' And I thought that was the DUMBEST...thing I've ever heard in my life! And then, we tried it, and now I've got people drunk out of their minds in a bar trying to 'baa' at me. [drunken voice] 'Hey, man! Yo, yo man, it's the sheep dude right here! [drunken 'baa'ing] I shouldn'ta had that hot dog, man!' Just hammered, baaing at me in the street."
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet."
"There goes the neighborhood."
"If all goes well, about a week. If not, about an hour and a half."
"I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself."
"In my life I've been through plenty. when I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."
"What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away."
"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places."
"When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment."
"When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up."
"I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again."
"My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks."
"I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped."
"A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.""
"I tell ya, I grew up in a tough neighborhood. The other night a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a real professional job. There was butter on it."
"I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get."
"I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them."
"What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend."
"I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch."
"I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel."
"When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt — for obvious reasons — that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes."
"Why, that's the story of my life--no respect; I mean, I don't get no respect at all!"
"The killers are wanted in all 50 states."
"I was so ugly... When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!"
"...in Dangerfield, there has always been something else in addition to the comedian. This is a man who has failed at everything, even comedy. Rodney Dangerfield is his third name in show business; he flopped under two earlier names as well as his real name. Who is really at home inside that red, sweating face and that knowing leer? The most interesting thing about "Back to School," which is otherwise a pleasant but routine comedy, is the puzzle of Rodney Dangerfield. Here is a man who reminds us of some of the great comedians of the early days of the talkies - of Groucho Marx and W. C. Fields - because, like them, he projects a certain mystery. Marx and Fields were never just being funny. There was the sense that they were getting even for hurts so deep that all they could do was laugh about them. It's the same with Dangerfield."
"I sometimes think love is God's way of hoodwinking people into having kids. You fall in love, and all that passion goes into procreating and wanting children. I've felt that need to want to raise a child. It's a creative urge. But you can express that creative urge in other ways."
"I don't pride myself on being self-educated because I don't like to brag about the fact that I'm a high school dropout. My school wasn't prepared to have somebody leave for three months out of the year to be in a movie. Graduating wasn't in the cards in a conventional sense if I was going to continue acting. I could get my GED, or could I? I'd have to study up for that."
"When I went to the Crash premiere I left before they showed the scene of me pulling over Thandie Newton in the car. It was too disturbing. It's a character up there, but I still see me."
"The growing pains of … being an actor, that was a little frustrating at times because you feel like you have great capacity to do many things. And yet there seems to be a misunderstanding about who you are and what you're trying to do. And that requires patience, and people eventually will understand."
"I don't like movies where everything happens fast. I like the buildup, the obstacles, the mystery."
"The great, rewarding thing about directing is that you're overseeing the whole thing. When you're an actor, you're just one department."
"As an actor, you can't be off the market for too long."
"Acting is very competitive. There are few good scripts out there and the ones that are good are very competitive. You look at your options and often times they're not too appealing."
"I think a lot of directors, they come out of film school, they don't know anything about acting. Or they're writers that don't know anything about the process. And I think they're afraid sometimes to talk to actors and be honest with actors."
"I think the reason I've survived that long is because I've taken my work so seriously. Maybe sometimes too seriously, but it's always been important for me to do my best regardless of the film. I think the biggest compliment I get is when people on the street stop me and say they've liked the choices I've made."
"It's tough when you started out as young as I did to look back and see how far I've come. I try to be easy on myself and go 'Look man, you were younger, you were learning; you learn, you grow.' But I'm not my best judge. I always feel like my best work is still ahead of me."
"I have always wanted to play different kinds of stuff, but it's hard, first to find good material, and then to change people's perception of you so they'll let you do it. I mean, I would really like to play a poet, but once they get this notion of you as a street guy, it's hard to change that."
"I think in the future I'd like to be a little more prolific than I have been. The big dilemma, though, is when you say you want to do more stuff, what stuff do you do? Where are your standards? Fortunately for me, I think the parts get a little better as I get older."
"I like to try different things. A good strong character and a good story are the key things for me when I'm considering a script. But I don't want to do the same kinds of things over and over. I like to challenge myself and do projects that dare to push the limits."
"It seems like a cliche, but you do grow up a lot faster when you travel a lot, go through things like this interview, spend time away from home and hang around with other actors. It's inevitable that you're not going to have a so-called normal childhood."
"Well what happened was I was asked to be on Seinfeld. They said: “Would you do a Seinfeld?” And I said, and I just happened to know to see a few Seinfelds and I knew these guys were really tops; they were really, really clever guys, and I liked the show. And so I said “Sure!” and I thought they would ask me to do a walk-on, the way it came: "Would you come be part of the show?" And I said “Yeah, sure I’ll do it.” You know what I mean? Then I got the script and my name was on every page because it was about my car. And I laughed; it was hysterically funny. So I was really delighted to do it. The writer came up to me and he said “Jon, would you come take a look at my car to see if you ever owned it?”, because the writer wrote it from a real experience where someone sold him the car based on the fact that it was my car. And I went down and I looked at the car and I said “No, I never had this car.” So unfortunately I had to give him the bad news. But it was a funny episode."
"And they — what I hear, you know, talking about our president. When I hear people saying quite unthinkable things about our president, when I see our president defaced, which is defacing our country. He's the leader of our country. He's the leader of the free world. It — my heart is very heavy."
"I'm here to validate all the millions of people who are opposed to the Obama healthcare. We're witnessing a slow and steady takeover of our true freedoms. We're becoming a socialist nation, and Obama is causing civil unrest in this country... The stimulus didn't work.... We're being told what cars we can drive, how much we can make.... Obama has made this [healthcare] a personal crusade now.... As we can see it really is about him. He is arrogant and he's adamant that he's going to get this passed.... He's trying everything, even the so-called God card. If you love God, he tells us, then it's your duty to vote this healthcare bill in.... They're taking away God's first gift to man. Our free will."
"I'm honored to be at the side of Michele Bachmann. She is a great congresswoman. She is a great human being, and she is a true American patriot."
"Donald Trump is the greatest president since Abraham Lincoln."
"I’m still just reveling that someone from Hollywood made a speech like that. I hope you’re going to be able to find work after this. I really enjoyed that."
"I would love to have us all psychologically evaluated and let a court decide. If he was not a celebrity, everybody would think he was a crazy father of an actress, but he somehow has them saying, "We know this man, we've seen him in films, he can't be crazy.""
"You can't make a hit record out of nothing. … It's baseless to think you can make any recording a hit, just by playing it over and over and over again."
"For now, Dick Clark. So long."
"Welcome to Raw Is Jericho! And I am the new millennium for the World Wrestling Federation. Now for those of you who don't know me, I am Chris Jericho, your new hero, your party host, and most importantly, the most charismastic showman to ever enter your living rooms via a television screen. And for those of you who DO know me, well, all hail the Ayatollah of Rock and Roll-a! Now when you think of the new millennium, you think of an event so gigantic that it changes the course of history. You think of a dawning of a new era. In this case, the dawning of a new era in the WWF. Thank you, thank you. And a new era is what this once proud and profitable company sorely needs. What was once a captivating, trend-setting program has now deteriorated into a cliched, let's be honest, boring snoozefest that is in dire need of a knight in shining armor, and that's why I'm here. Chris Jericho has come to save the WWF! Now let's go over the facts. Television ratings, downward spiral; pay-per-view buy-rates, plummeting; mainstream acceptance, non-existent; and reactions of the live crowds, complete and utter silence. And I know why you're silent! You're silent because you're embarrassed to be here. And quite honestly, I'm embarrassed for you. And the reason why you're embarrassed is because of the steady stream of uninteresting, untalented, mediocre "sports entertainers" who you're forced to cheer for and care for. No wonder you're not cheering! You could care less about every single idiot in that dressing room, [indicating The Rock] and especially this idiot in the center of the ring. You people have been led to believe that mediocrity is excellence. Uh-uh. Jericho is excellence. And now for the first time in WWF history, you have a man who can entertain you. You have a man who is good enough for you. You have a man who can make you jump up off your chairs, raise your filthy fat little hands in the air and scream "Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go!" Thank you. The new millennium has arrived in the WWF, and now that the Y2J problem is here, this company—from the front-office idiots to all the amateurs in the dressing room, including this one, to everybody watching tonight—will never, ee-e-e-e-(slaps face) ever be the same... again!"
"And I can guarantee that Kirk Angel (Kurt Angle) and Mr Roboto (Chris Benoit) are gonna walk out of this match with bumps and bruises and a t-shirt that reads ‘I visited Anaheim and all I got was this lousy t-shirt and a Y2J beating that I will never eeeeeeeever forget again’."
"I came out here with an agenda tonight, to make a statement. And the reason is that WrestleMania 21 is less than five weeks away. We've already announced some of the biggest matches in Mania history. From Batista vs. Triple H for the World Championship, from Cena to JBL for the WWE Championship, Michaels has challenged Angle, Hogan's in the Hall of Fame, Stone Cold Steve Austin on Piper's Pit. Everybody wants to make an impact, so do I; everybody wants to be a part of history, so do I. I have an idea for a match to do that. It's a match that involves Y2J, five other elite WWE Superstars, a chance of a lifetime, and most importantly, one very big solid steel ladder."
"Is the little girl gonna get shot in the face?! (on "Freak on a Leash" by Korn)"
"Yeah, congratulations. Way to go, Punk, way to go. Congratulations on your big win. You need to enjoy them while you can. You see, you can smirk if you want to, but I see straight through you. When I look at you, I see a fraud. And I'm not talking about the fact that you call yourself the best in the world, I'm talking about you as a person. Because I did a little research this week, Punk, and I found something, a little deep, dirty, dark secret about you. You've been straight edge ever since you came to the WWE, but you've never explained the reasons why. I wanna tell all of these wannabes why you're straight edge. I wanna tell them that you're straight edge because your father is an alcoholic. Yeah, that's right. Your father was an alcoholic who let you down every step of the way when you were growing up, and it terrifies you. You don't want to end up like him. But it's inevitable that you will, because alcohol is in your blood, it's in your genes, it's part of who you are, and that tortures you. I know you've built this facade, this wall that you're a sarcastic antihero with not a care in the world, but I think I've found something that you care about. I've found something that gives you nightmares, something that terrifies you. And isn't it ironic that the very alcohol that you crave is the same thing that ruined your childhood? Oh, the nightmares you must have about your father; I almost feel bad for you, Punk. Is that the reason why you have all those tattoos? Was the pain of wanting to drink so bad that you needed the pain of a tattoo needle to take it out of your mind? Was that your only solace? It doesn't matter if it is, Punk, because you are going to drink eventually, and I'm the one who is going to make you drink. At WrestleMania XXVIII, I'm going to take away your title, I'm gonna take away your claims of being the best in the world, I'm gonna take away your bravado, and I'm gonna leave you a broken man. You're gonna hit bottom, Punk, and when you do, you're going to embrace your destiny, and you're gonna take a drink. And it's gonna taste so good that you're gonna wanna take another one, and another one, and another one. After April 1st, I'm gonna be recognized for who I am—the undisputed best in the world and the new WWE Champion. And you're gonna be recognized for who you are, who your father was—a pathetic damn drunk!"
"Im not a political person, but is it strange to anybody else, that for the first time ever, we have to wait a day...2 days...5 days...10 days...to find out who won the the presidential race?"
"Jo wanted to be pumped up before she went on to do a scene, she asked me to slap her... They did the scene over and over, never quite right. Every time she came over to me and asked me to hit her, and hit her harder."
"On working with in Gunfight at the O.K. Corral (1957); as quoted in Halliwell's Who's Who in the Movies (2003) by Leslie Halliwell (ed. John Walker), p. 468"
"As actors it is easy for us to play the hero. We get to fight the bad guys and stand up for justice. In real life, the choices are not always so clear. The Hollywood Blacklist, recreated powerfully on screen in Trumbo, was a time I remember well. The choices were hard. The consequences were painful and very real. During the blacklist, I had friends who went into exile when no one would hire them; actors who committed suicide in despair. My young co-star in Detective Story (1951), Lee Grant, was unable to work for twelve years after she refused to testify against her husband before the House Un-American Activities Committee. I was threatened that using a Blacklisted writer for Spartacus –– my friend Dalton Trumbo — would mark me as a “Commie-lover” and end my career. There are times when one has to stand up for principle. I am so proud of my fellow actors who use their public influence to speak out against injustice. At 98 years old, I have learned one lesson from history: It very often repeats itself. I hope that Trumbo, a fine film, will remind all of us that the Blacklist was a terrible time in our country, but that we must learn from it so that it will never happen again."
"The foreign directors are always fumbling about in obscurity, and the critics are always writing about the juxtaposition of black and white and the existential dilemma and all that shit, to disguise the fact that they don't understand the first damn thing about it either."
"I know Italians and I like them. A lot of my father's best friends were Italians. I responded to that in making the picture. I put a lot of warmth into that character. Those immigrants were tough, more intensive than people are these days."
"I love champions. A champion has something special about him."
"Compared to Thoreau, Saint Francis of Assisi was peanuts."
"Too often, I have not been what I wanted to be I've succumbed to pressures. Yes, I have. The things I've done that I liked, I've always done against advice. The bad films everybody was high on. The good films, they advised me against."
"Don't crucify me because of what your idea of a movie star is. I didn't start out to be a movie star. I started out to be an actor. You people out in the East have no idea what goes on out here. No awareness or knowledge whatsoever. You lose track of the human being behind the image of the movie star."
"I find characters with a little evil in them much more interesting to play than the good guy. I'd rather play than ."
"I don't know if they have to care. I'm only concerned if they're interested in me. I don't care if you love me or hate me, but don't be indifferent to me. That to me is the worst thing."
"I've worked with Mankiewicz, Hawks, Kazan, Wyler, Wilder. I've been very fortunate. All of them work differently. I've even directed a couple of pictures, so I have respect for the work. But no matter what anyone says, it's a collaborative art form. I think the problem is that we've been contaminated by the European concept of the Auteur System. I've had movies where I bought the book, developed the script and cast the whole picture, but then the director walks in and says, "It must be a John Smith film." I think sometimes we emphasize that too much."
"I told him, "Michael, you're the kind of producer I'd like to work with because you give everything to the other person even when you're in the movie." He did that in Romancing the Stone (1984). He focused all the attention on the girl Kathleen Turner. I haven't been that generous. I've been a producer, but I find a product like Spartacus or The Vikings or Seven Days in May or Paths of Glory and somehow there always seems to be a good part for me."
"I renet it when I hear some of these young actors say they won't sell a picture. I've always felt that's part of my responsibility—to help getting people to see a movie. Funny thing is I don't even remember any of these young guy's names. I want to spank them."
"I was never really in love with acting. I always love movies and going to the theater. But did I love being in this business? Not for five minutes. I did it because I needed a job. For the first year or two, it's like a poison that enters your body. It's like a virus, and your body has to release antidotes. But it would be very unfair to say that it's that way all the time. It's just like anything this overwhelming that you enter suddenly. It's like being a contact at West Point. You're thrown into an intense environment. From the word go, you realize it's sink or swim."
"Democrats of the seventies and eighties are too tolerant, too open-minded, not feral enough. I want to be a ferocious liberal."
"My dad turned 40 in October 1967 … in April '68 Martin Luther King was killed. In June '68 Robert Kennedy was killed. And in the fall of '68, my dad's mother died. He was left, on an existential level, saying, "This is what I am. I've got the love of my students and I've got nothing else. My country is going to hell." After 1968, he was never the same again. All the air went out of him."
"Every time we sit down to eat, we make a choice. Please choose vegetarianism. Do it for the animals. Do it for the environment, and do it for your health."
"I was in love when I was married to Kim Basinger, I’m not ashamed to say. I used to wake up in the morning and just look at her and say 'What do you want for breakfast, baby? Special K with blueberries? Let me go get some.'"
"I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines."
"Making people laugh is the lowest form of comedy."
"Any time a whole bunch of kids like something, they find a reason to ban it. If kids suddenly started stuffing napkins into their pockets and really liked doing that, they'd find a reason to forbid it."
"The key to a successful restaurant is dressing girls in degrading clothes."
"Nothing important has ever come out of San Francisco, Rice-A-Roni aside."
"After a number of meetings, including one at the show’s, barren office space at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, [Lorne] Michaels asked O’Donoghue and Beatts to join Saturday Night. At first Beatts refused, citing her book deal and the amount of work that was needed to finish it on deadline [...] O’Donoghue, on the other hand, offered no resistance: He needed the work and he saw television as a step above the drudgery of magazines. After all, he had always been attracted to “hotter” forms and was in no way contemptuous of show business — so long as he could make it his own."
"Late April, early May, Lorne started laying out the cast. One day he’s got this really bizarre guy with smoked glasses, Michael O'Donoghue, and I’m thinking, “Oh God, what have we gotten into here?”"
"I truly think you can say that without Michael O’Donoghue, there wouldn't have been a Saturday Night Live, and I think it’s important to remember that. I think Lorne would probably be generous enough to acknowledge that."
"I’ve seen this attributed to John Lennon, but I know Michael O’Donoghue said it, because I was there when we heard Elvis died. My secretary came in and she said, “Elvis is dead,” and Michael O’Donoghue said, “Good career move.”"
"When Michael O’Donoghue got fired, he left this amazing note: “I was fired by Dick Ebersol. I did not leave the show, and if he should claim otherwise, he is, to steal a phrase from Louisa May Alcott, a lying cunt.” It’s very Michael."
"The person who wrote the poem can tell you more about the poem than anyone else."
"Not every poet is a great reader of his own work."
"Language has an incantory power. The source qualities of language go to the very roots of our experience of poetry."
"It’s something very few actors really get to experience. When you’re a character actor or voiceover guy, it’s job to job. You’re like a migrant worker, almost. The longevity [of “SpongeBob”] is an unbelievable statistical anomaly. It’s like, I didn’t buy that many lottery tickets and I won the lottery. It’s a totally random, harmonic convergence of people you met and your agent getting you an audition. Actors have so little control over their own lives; it’s nice to have something you’re not in control of that’s actually positive. There was a point when “SpongeBob” was cancelled after the first few seasons and the first movie. We went to a wrap party that I thought was the season wrap party but was the series wrap party. Nobody knew. So I already feel like I dodged a bullet."
"I've had groups of twentysomethings saying they still talk to each other in SpongeBob memes. It's really touching, you know? You get people who have had very difficult lives, and they say that SpongeBob got them through things, which is very touching. Someone told us that they were considering suicide, and SpongeBob made them laugh, and they cycled through that phase of their life. You get everything from that, to I had a great happy childhood and SpongeBob was part of it. You get all colours of the spectrum in terms of people coming up. Not just with SpongeBob either. It may be some cartoon that was a failure, or a videogame that took an hour to record in 1996. But they say it was the biggest thing in their life at one point. It's mind-blowing. You don't realize the footprint of what you're doing is leaving behind."
"I just got on Twitter a couple years ago but I never really used it because nobody followed me and then the show came out and it became an onslaught and I got addicted. … I read tweets, fan art and fan fiction [while recovering from surgery] about Hopper and Joyce (Winona Ryder). I love the passion of the fans. I’ll read it all day — Hopper-Joyce making out. I’ll read it."
"Maybe it’s because I’m older now, but there was something about the Seventies and Eighties. It was ‘the magic of the movies’. You would go to the cinema and have this magical, transportive experience, all because of the amount of love in the movies themselves. Particularly with those Indiana Jones movies, and almost everything Spielberg did, you could feel the passion behind the stories. Blockbusters nowadays have gotten a little corporate. A little jaded and cynical with their audiences. That amateur feel – for creating a magical experience – that’s something I want to see in my art."
"That light that begins to die is so sad to watch. I think at 15, you can still live the dream a little bit, right? [Graduate and] be broke and go live in New York or wherever and try and be an artist — if you're in it for the right reasons."
"I think that the biggest thing I've learned in terms of pursuing careers is that the things that you're most embarrassed about yourself, the things that you feel like are ugly, the things that you really have a hard time with about yourself, are probably the things that are most beautiful about you and they should be embraced and shared with the world."
"I'm a bit of a punk in my essence and in my core. I'm a bit of an artist and a trickster and, you know, I believe in sort of tearing up the status quo for what people expect you to do."
"You got me mad now"
"What the hell do you boys think that this here is, fucking Fairyland? Pulling on your wee-wees like a pack of fucking fruits?"
"Let us remember these timeless words: Ass♂we♂can."
"I want to tell all my fans at Nico Nico to live their life without any judgments, and be adventurous. When opportunity comes, put work into your faith, and don't be afraid to go out and live life. Whatever your sexuality is - gay, straight, boy, girl - go have fun. That's what life is all about. And live a life of yugamineena."
"Yeah, it certainly is cum alright, at least it smells like it."
"Obviously, the Kennedys were, to us, what Obama is to the African-American culture. Huge."
"It’s the guy who gets the part who’s thought of as being the best actor"
"I'm an actor, not a politician. I don't represent a race. I don't represent any group. I just represent the character I'm playing at the time."
"If you don’t love your fellow man, women, person, then you don’t have anything."
"But I do see you today. And I’m encouraged by what I see. I’m strengthened by what I see. I love what I see."
"I actually kissed a man in the film, but they took it out, they cut it. I think they got chicken."
"I wasn't put on this earth to act. I was put on this earth to share and to be an example of the power and wisdom and grace and mercy of God in my life."
"I’m trying to bring the real man back to Hollywood. Steve McQueen — that whole thing. There hasn’t been that for a long time. A real man is what every man wants to be and every woman wants to (have sex with). A real man is not somebody who has to play a real man; he just is a real man."
"I’m an alpha male, what else can I say?"
"I don’t want to be prettier than the woman I’m walking with. I want people to look at me and say, ‘Now there’s a guy that can go under a (inappropriate) car and fix the transmission, and ride a horse, and take out a motorcycle. And when you’re with him, you feel like he’s a man.’ Right now what I feel like in Hollywood is they’re so pretty and dainty and metro that it’s repulsive to me."
"And women, you know... Women want a man. That’s what I envision. Who the hell wants to walk around with someone that’s prettier than you if you’re a woman?"
"His subtleties. He acts with his eyes, that’s it. He’s very subtle. He’s sexy. He’s a man. He does of all his own stunts. He’s the epitome of a man. You see, in Hollywood we’ve lost the real man. They’re gone. They’re so pretty."
"If I was drunk and I turned Brad Pitt around, I might fuck him."
"Orlando Bloom is a hermaphrodite."
"I swear he’s got a pussy, either that or he’s a hermaphrodite. It’s one of the two. And he’s, like, the big thing."
"I’m not trying to (inappropriate) on Vin Diesel, but if that’s what we got now for real men, we got problems."
"He’s one of my best friends. I met him on Tears of the Sun. Basically, we’re cut from the same mold. He took me into his camp. He invited me into his family. I’m almost overwhelmed with the fact he embraced me the way he did. But basically we’re the same guy. I’m him ten years before and a lot poorer."
"He’s an asshole. Russell Crowe is a prick bastard to work with."
"Mickey Rourke, I love. He fucked his shit up. His face looks like a distorted mess. Off the record, he blew his whole shit. He could have been the king of the world and he wound-up doing boxing in Mexico. And after that all we see is the shit. That was a real man. Now — tell me a real man right now? Who is working in our day and age that’s a real man?"
"We have what you call a three fold marriage. You make a triangle with your hands and you can see Jesus is at the top and we're below. That's pretty solid. You're a threefold covenant. There's three people in this marriage. We've been through some difficult things physically but we're still here, stronger than ever and living for the Lord."
"If you can laugh every day, you can get healthy. You get those endorphins going in the body, God’s been looking out for me. I enjoy every day."
"Ten years is a long time to be a part of anything and to have a group of people in your life for any reason, let alone one that really was a part of my most formative years."
"[Politics]...is Hollywood for ugly people."
"So this guy goes into the dining hall and this is the first week after the attack and there is just this sombre sadness and you hear the guy go, 'guys, guys, you're not gonna believe whose been cooking your dinners. It's Batman!"