Ambrose Bierce

"Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane."

"Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two."

"Mayonnaise, n. One of the sauces that serve the French in place of a state religion."

"Monday, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game."

"Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient."

"Non-combatant, n. A dead Quaker."

"Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills."

"Once, adj. Enough."

"Opiate, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard."

"Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment."

"Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amok by hamstringing it."

"Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white."

"Past, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one--the knowledge and the dream."

"Overwork, n. A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing."

"Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue."

"Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit it is the first."

"Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing."

"Pig, n. An animal (Porcus omnivorus) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig."

"Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy."

"Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage."

"Positive, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice."

"Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy."

"Prejudice, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support."

"Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated."

"Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection."

"Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable."

"Resign, v. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage."

"Revelation, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing."

"Road, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go."

"Sabbath, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh."

"Saint, n. A dead sinner, revised and edited."

"Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based."

"Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others."

"Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows."

"Twice, adv. Once too often."

"Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish."

"Zyniker, der [Subst.], ist ein Schuft, dessen mangelhafte Wahrnehmung Dinge sieht, wie sie sind, statt wie sie sein sollten."

"Zukunft, die [Subst.], jene Zeit, in der unsere Geschäfte gut gehen, unsere Freunde treu sind und unser Glück gesichert ist."

""Wirkung ist die zweite von zwei Erscheinungen, die immer in derselben Aufeinanderfolge vorkommen. Von der ersten, Ursache genannt, sagt man, sie bringt die zweite hervor"

"Werbung ist der Versuch, das Denkvermögen des Menschen so lange außer Takt zu setzen, bis er genügend Geld ausgegeben hat."

"Wahrheit: Einfallsreiche Vermengung von Wünschbarkeit und Anschein. Wahrheitsfindung ist das einzige Ziel der Philosophie; diese ist die älteste Beschäftigung des menschlichen Geistes und hat gute Aussichten, bis zum Ende der Zeit mit wachsender Betriebsamkeit fortzudauern."

"Vorurteil: Streunende Meinung ohne erkennbaren Lebensunterhalt."

"Ungläubiger: in New York: jemand, der nicht an die christliche Religion glaubt; in Istanbul: jemand, der an sie glaubt."

"Unfall, der [Subst], Ein unvermeidliches Ereignis, das aufgrund unveränderlicher Naturgesetze auftritt."

"Telefon, das [Subst.], ist eine Erfindung des Teufels, die die erfreuliche Möglichkeit, sich einen lästigen Menschen vom Leibe halten zu können, teilweise wieder zunichte macht."

"Selbstsüchtig, [adj]: ohne Rücksicht auf die Selbstsucht anderer."

"Schönheit, die [Subst.], Die Macht, mit der eine Frau ihren Liebhaber bezaubert und ihren Ehegatten in Schranken hält."

"Rezept: die ärztliche Vermutung darüber, wie der Krankheitszustand eines Patienten mit dem geringsten Schaden aufrecht zu erhalten ist."

"Realismus, der [Subst.]: die Kunst einer Naturdarstellung aus der Krötenschau: der Zauber einer Landschaft, wie sie ein Maulwurf malt, die Geschichte, wie sie eine Spannerlarve schreibt."

"Radikalismus, der [Subst.]: der Konservatismus von morgen als Injektion in die Angelegenheiten von heute."