"It's every man for himself where I come from. That's just how I grew up."

"Do you know what continence is, Wally? No? Every time I take a piss, I pull back, I hold my urine in, and I count to …"

"It's an original ball for an original guy. It's the Marty Supreme Ball, not the Marty Normal Ball."

"I'm going to do to Kletzki what Auschwitz couldn't."

"I'm Hitler's worst nightmare."

"I have a purpose. If you think that it's some kind of blessing it's not. It means I have an obligation to see a very …"

"Everything in my life's falling apart but I'm going to figure it out."

"I was born in 1601. I'm a vampire. I've been around forever. I've met many Marty Mausers over the centuries. Some of …"

"When you see this woman act you'll feel like you got your cock sucked by a vacuum cleaner."

"I give you meaning, and he gives you money."