"Don't be scared, 'cuz I'm funny Steve... with a lampshade on his head. Singing and dancing, for your entertainment, his own rendition of "Singin' in the Rain"!"

"If you're sending someone down, you better send him fast - 'cuz funny Steve's going under."

"I've been coming down here for 18 months. 18 months! And I have not missed a night. I take the money that my father sends me and I pay for a shrink, and I buy groceries. Now I owe my shrink, and I'm behind in my rent. My roommate's a bastard - he's changed the locks in in my front door - I can't get in! He won't give me a key until I pay him. You wanna play games? I can play games! I can play games. I can play ventriloquist with my underwear. I can play darts while maintaining an erection. I can gargle dishwater and fart O Canada at the same time! I can play piano without being popular. I once had this dream - I was dancing on the streetcorner with a jackhammer up my ass - now that was either a sex dream or I need more fiber in my diet. If any of this is turning you on, just let me know."

"Andy, you have to look inside and ask this question: who are you trying to entertain - the audience or yourself?"

"I'm not a comedian. I don't wanna go for cheap laughs."

"Those are dead people laughing. You know that? Those people are dead!"

"I'm sick of this shit, Lawler. I'm gonna sue you, I'm gonna sue you for everything you got, I swear to God. Fuck you! Okay? Okay, Lawler? FUCK YOU! I'm sorry, Dave. I know I'm not supposed to use those words on television. I can't say those words. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! But, you, you are a (bleep)ing, (bleep)ing (bleep)hole! Okay?!"

"Do you want to move in with me?"

"Whoopdie doo, whoopdie die...stick a needle in your eye!"

"You almost sat in some cottage cheese. Oh pardon me, that's your ass."

"OK, bullshit bullshit my line, bullshit bullshit my line, AHHHHH!"

"How about a bathroom? I may of shit my pants!"

"If you guys ever go to Vegas...YOU'RE NOT GETTIN' IN!"

"So... ya wanna see Andy? Anybody gotta flashlight and a couple of shovels?"

"FUCK YOU! I'M NOT GOIN!"

"You're insane...but you might also be brilliant."

"I've been in this business for 20 years Andy, I've seen this...I KNOW this...if you pass up an opportunity like this one, I promise you...you will NEVER see another one like it again...EVER!"

"If I find out you're behind this I will KILL you, Zmuda."

"Look at you...you're so proud...you look like some stupid kid walking home from school and saying, "Look Dad, I got an F!""

"Andy: Women are superior to men in many ways."

"Many Loved Him...Many Disliked Him"

"Whatever he did...Whatever he made us believe...was all just a part of the act."

"Hello, my name is Andy and this is my (insert medium here)."

"Jim Carrey – Andy Kaufman and Tony Clifton"

"Danny DeVito – George Shapiro"

"Courtney Love – Lynne Margulies"

"Paul Giamatti – Bob Zmuda/Tony Clifton"

"I seem to be under a little pressure here tonight to cool my act. l don't know how many of you know it, but l was arrested, busted, right here on this stage a few nights ago, for saying... No. I'm not gonna say it. Let's see. lt's an 11-letter word, it starts with a C and ends with a G. And it was used - it was used in the context of defending a certain homosexual practice. Actually, though, I don't relate it only to homosexuals. I relate it to any contemporary woman I know! Oh, yeah. Would know or love or marry. I'm sure you do, too, if you're honest, right? Okay, I'd like to ask you all a few questions now, okay? And you're all under oath, all of you. Even standing room only. How many people in this club here tonight have ever used that word: blah-blah-blah? Don't be shy, you can raise your hands. Well, that's cool. Now let's get really honest. You, sir, have you ever had your blah blahed? Hm? It's either yes or no. There's no two ways about it! Okay, how many men in this room have ever had their blah blahed?"

"I'm a hustler. As long as they give, I'll grab."

"I really dig what they do with homosexuals in this country, man. They put 'em in prison - with a lot of other men. That's really good punishment."

"What's the worst thing you can say to anybody? Fuck you, mister! That's really weird, because if l wanted to hurt you, l should say, Unfuck you, mister Because fuck you is really nice, man."

"There's no bigger test of how hip you really are than when your girlfriend becomes your wife."

"And it just cracks me up that we try so desperately to be unique when we're all the same cat - Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, me, you, every cat has got that one chick who really busted up his ass!"

"Please! Don't take away my words! They're just words! I'm not hurting anybody!"