Comedians From The United States

"This is madness!"

"So that's how you wanna play it, old man? No dessert? Oh sure, we'll eat our dinner, right after you eat THIS!"

"Congratulations, San Francisco! You’ve ruined pizza! First the Hawaiians, and now you!"

"When you turned it on, it said its name: "Droid." I keep it here in my pocket. I wish it would say "Groin", then I'd always know where it is. I don't think it's really smart to keep a phone this large and a screen that big right next to your nutsack. I believe my sperm are dying. I hear them weeping every morning. "Son of a bitch, Lou! It's hot as hell down here! Goddammit, it's like the sun is out twenty-four hours a day! Get us some water! I don't think we're gonna make it to the top of the hill again!""

"What did you think I was gonna do, launch into some commercial for this? "Oh yeah, I couldn't be happier. When I got my Droid, it changed my life! Three days later, I accepted Christ into my heart as my one true savior! And Droid is the one with the Jesus app! Even if you get rid of it, every Easter Sunday he comes back again!""

"So I went down to Verizon, and I got myself a Droid. (audience cheers, and then laughs as he gives them an incredulous look) Don't you ever... ever... applaud an inanimate object again."

"This is how fucked up I was: I brought a landline so I could keep my fucking phone! I broke with AT&T when they announced that you could buy, for your home, a transmitter for 200 dollars. A 200-dollar transmitter, so that you can help AT&T build the infrastructure you thought you were getting when you brought the piece of shit! I don't think-- We don't know, do we, what a cellphone does to us? Imagine what a transmitter will do! I believe that your shit'll be glowing in a week! "Honey, have we been eating phosphorous?!" Here's the kicker: AT&T is then gonna charge you twelve dollars a month to use the transmitter you already brought from them, so that AT&T successfully turns your cellphone BACK INTO A FUCKING LANDLINE, ASSHOLE!"

"Now I used to have an iPhone. And it was a great computer. It was in no way a phone. Because the carrier was AT&T, and AT&T is a carrier, in much the same way as a mosquito carries malaria. I'd have been better off with a Dixie Cup and a string. I finally took it over to the Apple Store to see if there was something they could do. And let me just say: if you're interested in what life is like on other planets, you're gonna wanna get to the Apple Store. They. Are not. Of us. They. Have. No genitals. It's why they stand so close - they're sniffing you. That's how they get their data. Yes, it is. So I was standing in the Apple Store, and a capon came up to me. "I see you have an iPhone. How many applications have you downloaded into your phone?" (makes sniffing noises) "Well, I haven't downloaded any... um, I came here to see if you had an app that would turn this PIECE OF SHIT INTO A FUCKING PHONE!""

"Everybody knew there was a housing bubble. You'd fucking go to a neighbor, "Gee, that house costed $60,000 last year, and now it costs $600,000?! What did they do?!" "Well, they put a gazebo in the back.""

"Why would I be excited that a Democrat won? Seriously, over the past eight years the Democrats didn't do SHIT! Basically, the last eight years, I feel, the Republicans stood around farting; and the Democrats went "Ooh, let me smell it.""

"I don't know if you noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking in the mirror at itself."

"If anyone is as angry as I am, it's the good people of Detroit."

"I lost my virginity to a [record] skip. "Lay Lady Lay--Lay Lady Lay--Lay Lady Lay". We didn't even get to the big brass bed part."

"[On Las Vegas audiences] Those audiences are wonderful. Talk about the most bitter group of people on the planet Earth! For one brief shining moment, I am Mr. Happy!"

"Or... if you actually waited until you were married to lose your virginity, because you are so much a better person than the sniveling snot that we are, you were able to do that, because you were able to wait through everything, through all those feelings, all those hormones, all of that, you could wait, until that night to make love to (for the first time) to the person that you are gonna make love to for the rest of your life, because you are a gambler on a level that I have never fuckin' imagined! My hat is off to you! Wow! What courage!"

"I believe that the way in which we should truly live is we should think about what we're going to do, and then not do it. Your boss comes in on Monday and goes, "Hey! You're my go-to guy — I need a report by Friday." You go, "I'll get right on it, chief!" And then you head back to your desk and you put your feet up and you spend the week thinking about it. And then he comes in on Friday and goes, "Where's my report?" And you say, with a big grin on your face, "I didn't do it!" And he goes, "Why not?" and then you say, "Because I didn't want to disappoint you!""

"We always feel better in anticipation. You don't think about something and think "Aw, it's gonna be shitty." NO! You say "This is gonna be the greatest weekend ever! Sonuvabitch!" And then, by Monday, you're throwing up and you're thinking "You know, I always thought those guys were pricks!""

"There is no better moment than this moment, when we're anticipating the actual moment itself. All of the moments that lead up to the actual moment are truly the best moments. Those are the moments that are filled with good times. Those are the moments in which you are able to think that it is going to be perfect, when the moment actually happens. But, the moment is reality, and reality always kinda sucks!"

"Christians... get Christmas under control. Seriously. It won't stop! It doesn't stop, does it? It's always Christmas now! Make it the whole year! It's the only time you pricks are happy!"

"Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of SHIT... and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller."

"[About the "movers and the shakers" of the government] These people are the first line of defense when it comes to the terrorist threat, but the word "shit" makes them cry. "Why didn't he say poopie?! Why didn't he say poopie?!""

"[about solar energy] If you ask your congressman why, he'll say "Because it's hard. It's really hard. Makes me want to go poopie." You know why we don't have solar energy? It's because the sun goes away each day, and it doesn't tell us where it's going!"

"FEMA? I always thought it was a bone here in your ass."

"North Korea is the country that the monkeys in The Wizard of Oz came from."

"Equestrian," by the by - that's the gayest word in the English language. As a matter of fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called "Two Equestrians." There's nothing worse than going to some event that you have no interest in. I didn't give a shit, but you gotta pretend! I mean, what do you say at a horse show? "Look at the cock on that one! I'd say he's a winner, if he doesn't trip over it!"

"They were hunting in a place that rich people pay to hunt at, okay? They actually... they drive them to where the animals are! That is not fucking hunting! There's a fence around the place! Son of a bitch! They means they go, when they're tracking the deer, "Oh, look, we got 'em in the corner!" They turned an donalds hiccups into Auschwitz!"

"Dick Cheney... and that's all I gotta say. Isn't it great that we've reached that point? You don't even have to say "Dick Cheney, the Vice President who shot his friend in the face while hunting". "Dick Cheney", everybody goes "Waha!" and we move on. He went quail hunting. Quail hunting! He went hunting for quail! You do not use the words "hunt" and "quail" together in a sentence! You don't hunt for quail! You might track quail, you might walk behind them, wondering "What kind of a miserable fuck existence do you have?!" [holding up his fist] THEY'RE THIS BIG! THEY'RE TINY LITTLE BIRDS! They barely fuck fly! And they clip their wings! They clip their wings, so they couldn't fly any higher than ten feet, are you fucking kidding me?! Unbelievable. And you shoot them with bird shot. Not like a BB gun, which would do the job. No, bird shot which is just a spray of fucking metal and shit, just... [does hand gesture and blows raspberry] And then you gotta wait till the dust clears: "Did I hit anything?!" Going quail hunting is like saying "I'm going fishing," and going to a goldfish bowl and going "Got it!"... I, uh, am not a hunter. For those of you that probably thought "Wow, he'd look good in orange.""

"There are people who believe that dinosaurs and men lived together, that they roamed the Earth at the same time. There are museums that children go to, in which they build dioramas to show them this. And what this is, purely and simply, is a clinical psychotic reaction. They are crazy. They are stone. Cold. Fuck. Nuts. I can't be kind about this, because these people are watching The Flinstones as if it were a documentary."

"[about how the Earth was created] And then there are fossils. Whenever anybody tries to tell me that they believe it took place in seven days, I reach for a fossil and go "Fossil!" And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their head."

"[on the creation myth] This is a wonderful story that was told to the people in the desert, in order to distract them from the fact that they did not have air conditioning. I would love to have the faith to believe that it took place in seven days, but... I have thoughts. And that can really fuck up the faith thing. Just ask any Catholic priest."

"I should have known earlier about President Bush, but I gave him some rope - a lot of rope, and then he hung all of us with it. I should have known it when I heard him say "When it comes to evolution, the jury is still out." What jury, where? The Scopes Trial is over."

"Here's why I think there's something a little odd with George [Bush]. Because a lot of the times when he speaks, his words don't match his face. Something is askew. You can't talk about the war with a smile on your face. He does it constantly. If you're the President, you should go "We're going to talk about the war, I must have a frowny face." The only time you can smile when you're talking about the war in Iraq is when you go, "Well, two Iraqis walk into a bar, hahaha.""

"I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went "Wow, it's not me!""

"You are an adult, and you can dress up whenever you want to. You don't need permission anymore! If you wake up next Tuesday, and you feel like being Batman, go for it! And then you go to work, and your boss will look up and go "who are you," and you can say..."I am Batman. That's who I am, who are you?""

"If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween...don't. I will find you. I will hurt you."

"I will tell you something I know. Frozen embryos? Guess what?! THEY'RE NOT ALIVE! AT ALL! They're frozen! They're frozen! They're frozen! They're frozen! They're frozen! They are frozen! They're frozen! It's not a question! It's not up for fucking discussion! Don't allow that fucking idiot in the White House to say, "Whoa, no, they're...." THEY'RE NOT ALIVE, ASSHOLE! You can defrost one, like a mini-pizza - IT'S STILL NOT ALIVE! It has the potential for life, that's what it has! But otherwise, it's a mini-pizza! If frozen embryos are alive, we should assign National Guard troops to go to every grocery store and stand in front of the frozen foods, screaming, "Back off! Back off! The clam strips could come back to life!" [pause] Ooooh. I, uhhh, I saw a blue sky in my head for a minute."

"iPod [sic] now has music on a fucking credit card. Eventually they'll have it so that you wear underwear and you just hear it in your head."

"I was on CNN in Atlanta at one o'clock in the afternoon because apparently everybody else was asleep, and they asked me what I thought of CNN and I said, "I liked CNN until you started that writing on the bottom." I don't know why it's there. Why do you put writing on a television set? We watch TV... BECAUSE WE DON'T WANNA READ! We want somebody to read the shit to us so we can close our eyes and touch our nuts!"

"[On Yom Kippur] The rabbi intones that today is the day that God will put your name in the Book of Life... or the Book of DEATH. I'm five, and I'm going, "Uhhh, what the fuck is that? The book of WHAT?!?" Death? Death was not anything that had ever occurred to me. My greatest fear was that my parents were going to leave me in a grocery store."

"Maybe there are a group of gay banditos... who, every night climb into a van and go from village to dell, from community to community. They wander, and as the sun is coming down, just setting over a suburban village, the gays drive in. And there in a cul-de-sac, there in the light of a house, you can see a young American family, sitting down for their evening meal. And those gays... put on their masks and their festive colored robes, and sneak slowly into the house... and begin to FUCK EACH OTHER IN THE ASS! AND ANOTHER AMERICAN FAMILY IS DESTROYED!"

"I don't know if you realize, but I use the word "Fuck," so that I can think of other stuff."

"I'm only allowed to say 'fuck' twelve times."

"The toughest thing about performing here is, where do you go from here? Next week, I'm at the Fort Lauderdale Performing Arts Center."

"The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless."

"The argument we have about abortion is not about abortion. It's about when life begins. And we argue it, and we argue, and we argue! And I say we take all the people who think they know and yell and scream and they're sure when life begins and they're sure when life ends, and we lock them in a room. And we tell them to figure it out. And they don't come out until they do. And if they can't, then we kill them."

"Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap."

"Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of your state. How am I, as a comedian, supposed to create a reality that encompasses that?"

"Michael Jackson? That's all I gotta say. ...He's become a punchline. He has! Michael Jackson is a punchline. To any joke you want. If you ever forget the punchline to a joke, all you gotta say is 'Michael Jackson.' "Two Jews walk into a bar... Michael Jackson!" "Why did the chicken cross the road? Michael Jackson!" "So the farmer brings his daughter to the dinner table--Michael Jackson!" It works for fucking anything!"

"Music is like a drug; when you hear it, you have a vision. And that vision can change over time or remain the same. You know, that first time you’re in love and you hear a love song and every time you think about it you have that vision of your special someone. And then two years later, after you broke up, you’re at the bar. And you hear that song and you go, "Son of a bitch... I’ll have a Jaeger.""

"The Pledge of Allegiance, ultimately, is coffee for elementary school students. "...And to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. FUCK, I'm at SCHOOL! Can we say it again? I need a second cup.""