"The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring back our fuckin' FLAG, asshole! Show us some moon rocks, or kiss this."

"You'd have done her. You'd have been just like JFK, you'd have been there in the Oval Office, Marilyn across the desk, your dick up her ass, lookin' out at the Washington Monument going, "you know, it doesn't get much better than this, doesn't it? President of the United States, dick in Marilyn Monroe, my finger on the fucking button telling the fucking Russians to get their missiles out of Cuba in twelve hours. IT DOESN'T GET BETTER THAN THIS!"

"I didn't think it was that big of a fucking deal, there's bigger news stories happening. There's a guy in Milwaukee with heads in his icebox, but our top story is: Sam Kinison missed the Joan Rivers Show. It's like I'm the only guy in show business that's fucked up recently. There's a couple guys that, I think, have like outdone me a little bit. Like Rick fucking James, for starters. I missed a show, I didn't torture a woman with a fucking base pipe, I'm not out on $500,000 bail. I'm not Billy Preston, who's going "ah, donde esta la fiesta?" How about Axl Rose, who has a warrant out for his arrest in the state of Missouri for inciting a riot, $300,000 worth of damage, 60 people injured, and I MISSED A SHOW!"

"Today we're going to try and say his name...OH! OHHH! Can you even say a part of his name--OH! OHHH!""

"YOU FUCKING WHORE!!! You used me! You never loved me! I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your fucking own blood! DIE! DIE! DIE! I want my records back! I want my fucking records back!"

"The Police report said they stabbed this guy 51 times....bludgeoned him in the head with a heavy object 13 times and they shot him twice....so I figure this guy's by the door on the way out going....YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE YET, DO YOU?!....YOU HAVEN'T SHOVED A CHAINSAW UP MY ASS YET!....MY HEAD'S STILL ON MY TORSO!!....I'M GLAD YOU FUCKERS CAN HANDLE YOUR HIGH!"

"There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!""

"How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love?"

"I was MARRIED for TWO FUCKING YEARS! Hell would be like Club Med!"

"[Rock Hudson] was on his deathbed, going, "It was that last fucking dick... god DAMN it, why did I suck it, WHY DID I SUCK IT!?!? I was ahead of the game, Mister! Million of dicks, never had a problem before--dick, dick, dick, suck, suck, suck; dick, dick, dick, suck, suck, suck. Never had a problem--IT WAS THAT LAST GODDAMN DICK!!!""

"We don't WANT to drink and drive ... But there's no other way to get the fucking CAR back to the HOUSE!! How are we supposed to get fucking home??!!"

"Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee." She's thinking you're from fuckin' Europe or somethin: "OH GOD, WHERE'D YOU LEARN THAT, OHHH," and you're going "A, B, C, D, E, F, G"."

"You want to help world hunger? Stop sending them food. Don't send them another bite, send them U-Hauls. Send them a guy that says, "You know, we've been coming here giving you food for about 35 years now and we were driving through the desert, and we realized there wouldn't BE world hunger if you people would live where the FOOD IS! YOU LIVE IN A DESERT!! UNDERSTAND THAT? YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT!! NOTHING GROWS HERE! NOTHING'S GONNA GROW HERE! Come here, you see this? This is sand. You know what it's gonna be 100 years from now? IT'S GONNA BE SAND!! YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT! We have deserts in America, we just don't LIVE in them, assholes!""

"Jesus' Wife: "And where have YOU been for the past three days, Mr. Winemaker?" Jesus Christ: "It's okay, I'll tell you...Not that's important or anything, but I was DEAD!!! I'M IN A FUCKIN' GRAVE OUTSIDE OF TOWN! I'M FIGHTIN' DEATH, HELL, DECOMPOSURE! I'M CHANGIN' SPIRITUAL FORM, ABOUT TO ENTER THE KINGDOM OF GOD, AND I GO "WAIT A SECOND! I GOTTA GO BACK BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN!""

"Sam: We want to bring him out. Here he is, Mr. Doug Bady, ladies and gentlemen. Doug Bady, the littlest fucking Outlaw, here he is! Oh, he's drinking a beer. That's alright. I'm just not used to seeing one of Jerry's Kids with a fucking beer, but... Doug Bady, a man that loves Jerry Lewis, appreciates what Jerry has done. And Doug, Jerry Lewis, isn't he wonderful? Doug: Fuck him! Sam: Jesus Christ, man, what are you saying? Doug: He's a piece of shit, he's never done anything for me. Sam: You can't...you can't say this about Jerry Lewis in Las Vegas on the telethon weekend! Doug: Why not? He's never done anything for me, thirty years he's been running the telethon! Sam: What are you saying? Doug: That son of a bitch! He hasn't done a goddamn thing for me! Sam: Jerry Lewis has never done a thing for you? Doug: No! He's been doing this goddamn telethon for thirty years now, he's made, what, two or three billion dollars... Sam: Who gave him the beer? WHO GAVE HIM THE BEER?! Doug: ...I haven't seen dime one! Sam: Get him out of here, he's fucking drunk! Get him out of here! He hates Jerry Lewis, never did a fucking thing...you little bitter BASTARD! YOU'RE BITTER! Take his ass off my stage! Fuckin' BEAT HIM, BEAT HIM!!! TAKE HIS CHAIR! BEAT HIS LITTLE BITTER FUCKING ASS! Doug: Actually, what I meant to say was...I love Jerry. Great guy."

"Well, life was tough, but at least I was able to live it out and I was able to face death and not be afraid. Well, now I'm ready to go to Heaven and be with Jesus, and...hey? Hey, what's this? Oh, God it feels like a man's DICK IN MY ASS! Oh, GOD!!! I'M DEAD!!! Oh, you mean life keeps on fucking you even after you're dead? Oh, it never ends! OH! OHHH!!!"

"Oh, god, where's the fuckin' bottle, you fuckin' whore?! DID HE FUCK YOU WITH THIS TOO?! Yes-- OH, SHUT UP!!! HE DID EVERYTHING TO YOU, OH, GOD!!!!"

"Oh, God, will you SHUT UP! GODDAMMIT, WILL YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH! YOU'RE HIS WHORE! OH! OHHHH!"

""They beat us, they beat us, they made us do their BLOW!"

"I just got shot in the ass with an infected load of semen! Who's the smart-ass?"

"Here's my man! It doesn't have to stay out and party with his guys!" "Here, let me see that...It doesn't seem to be able to pick up the fucking check, does it?"