"Lucy Emerson: [to Sam] I can never sleep with the closet door open, either. Not even a crack. Sam, this is a terrible thing to admit, but I think that one of the reasons I divorced your father was because he never believed in the closet monster."

"Michael Emerson: [upon seeing Grandpa's workroom, filled with deer heads and other animals] Talk about the Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

"[as Michael comes home in the morning] Looks like I wasn't the only one who got lucky last night."

"Rules! We've got some rules around here. Second shelf is mine. That's where I keep my cocktail peanuts, my Diet Pepsi and my double-thick animal crackers. Nobody touches the second shelf but me. Now, there's another rule around here, and I want you to pay very close attention to it. Don't touch anything. Everything is exactly where I want it."

"Lucy, you're the only woman I ever knew who didn't improve her situation by getting divorced."

"Now you know what we are. And now you know what you are. You'll never grow old, Michael. And you'll never die. But you must feed."

"Initiation's over, Michael. Time to join the club!"

"That's what I love about this place. You ask, and then you get."

"[entering their cave] Not bad, huh? This was the hottest resort in Santa Carla about 85 years ago. It's too bad that they built it on the San Andreas Fault. In 1906, when the Big One hit San Francisco, the ground opened up and this place took a header right into the crack. So now, it's ours."

"[to Alan] How much you think we should charge out of this?"

"I think I should warn you all, when a vampire buys it, it's never a pretty sight. No two blood suckers go out the same way. Some yell and scream, some go quietly, some explode, some implode. But all will try and take you with them."

"Holy smoke, Vampire Hotel."

"We don't ride with vampires. [Realizes that they're just outside of the Vampires' cave] We do now."

"Holy smoke, it's the attack of Eddie Munster!"

"Let's start with the little one. First come, first staked."

"[to Star] Don't kill anybody until we get back to you!"

"It's that girl from the boardwalk. Is she one of them?... [Star floats up] She's one of them! And don't tell me it doesn't make her a bad person, Mike!"

"Don't kill me, Mike. I'm basically a good kid, so just don't kill me."

"Look at your reflection in the mirror. You're a creature of the night, Michael. Just like out of a comic book. You're a vampire, Michael! My own brother, a damn blood-sucking vampire! You wait 'til Mom finds out, buddy!"

"You need sunglasses to talk on the phone? Are you freebasing, Michael? Inquiring minds want to know."

"What's wrong with this picture? There's no TV! Have you seen a TV, Mike? I haven't seen a TV. Do you know what it means when there's no TV? No MTV."

"Alex Winter - Marko"

"Brooke McCarter - Paul"

"Billy Wirth - Dwayne"

"Kiefer Sutherland - David"

"Edward Herrmann - Max"

"Cloris Leachman - Ruth Popper"

"Ben Johnson - Sam the Lion"

"Cybill Shepherd - Jacy Farrow"

"Jeff Bridges - Duane Jackson"

"Timothy Bottoms - Sonny Crawford"

"One thing I know for sure - a person can't sneeze in this town without somebody offerin' him a handkerchief...it's an awful small town for any kinda carryin' on...And some people got a lotta guns."

"[to Sonny] What am I doing apologizin' to you? Why am I always apologizin' to you, ya little bastard? Three months I been apologizing to you, without you even bein' here. I haven't done anything wrong - why can't I quit apologizin'? You're the one oughta be sorry. I wouldn't still be in my bathrobe if it hadn't been for you. I'da had my clothes on hours ago. You're the one made me quit carin' if I got dressed or not. I guess just because your friend got killed you want me to forget what you did and make it all right. I'm not sorry for you. You'd've left Billy, too, just like you left me. I bet you left him plenty a nights, whenever Jacy whistled. I wouldn't treat a dog that way. I guess you thought I was so old and ugly you didn't owe me any explanation. You didn't need to be careful of me. There wasn't anythin' I could do about you and her - why should you be careful of me? You didn't love me. Look at me. Can't you even look at me? Y'see? You shouldn't have come here. I'm around that corner now. You've ruined it and it's lost completely. Just your needing me won't make it come back. [pause] Never you mind, honey, never you mind."

"Jessie Lee Fulton - Miss Mosey"

"Barc Doyle - Joe Bob Blanton"

"Bill Thurman - Coach Popper"

"Joe Heathcock - The Sheriff"

"Randy Quaid - Lester Marlow"

"Sharon Ullrick - Charlene Duggs"

"Sam Bottoms - Billy"

"Clu Gulager - Abilene"

"Eileen Brennan - Genevieve"

"Ellen Burstyn - Lois Farrow"

"Alyson Reed — Ms. Darbus"

"Olesya Rulin — Kelsi Nielson"

"Monique Coleman — Taylor McKessie"