"Hey Mikey, how you doin'? Look, you can't let those walls get you down. Believe me, I know. I spent a little time behind walls. I know they can drive you crazy. You gotta look beyond the walls, you know? Learn to live inside your head."

"I really don't know what else to say, Michael. You haven't said a word for fifteen years! Christ, that's a lifetime. That's nearly twice as long as my first marriage. Wow. It's strange, Michael. In a weird way you've become like... like my best friend. Huh! That just shows you how fucked up my life is. I've done all I possibly can for you, so I'm sorry to tell you that this is going to be my last day. Michael, I have to move on. I'm sorry."

"These eyes will deceive you; they will destroy you. They will take from you your innocence, your pride, and eventually your soul. These eyes do not see what you and I see. Behind these eyes one finds only blackness, the absence of light. These are the eyes of a psychopath."

"Inside every one us, there exists a dark side. Most people rise above it, but some are consumed by it. Until there is nothing left, but pure evil."

"Carmen Electra (uncredited) — Roxanne"

"Jan Schweiterman — Kurt Bozwell"

"Ginny Schreiber — Deedee"

"Josh Server — Fizz"

"Shaquille O'Neal — Himself"

"Ron Lester — Spatch"

"Dan Schneider — Mr. Baily"

"Shar Jackson — Monique"

"Abe Vigoda — Otis"

"Sinbad — Mr. Wheat"

"Kenan Thompson — Dexter "Dex" Reed"

"Kel Mitchell — Ed"

"Coming to diners this summer."

"Attendant: [after Ed has released a deranged man from his straight jacket] Goodness gracious! He's killing Sydney!"

"J. August Richards — Griffin"

"Otis: [after eating French fries with Ed's sauce on it] It makes me glad I'm not dead."

"Fizz: Nobody's ever abbreviated my name before. I love that!"

"Hamilton von Watts — Troy"

"Marques Houston — Jake"

"Linda Cardellini — Heather"

"[repeated line] You mess with Kurt, and you go into the grinder."

"[repeated line, always sung] I'm a dude. He's a dude. She's a dude. We're all dudes, hey!"

"[first, repeated, and last line] Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?"

"You don't exist. The only way you know how to treat women is by treating them like whores! When you're the whore! AND THAT'S GONNA STOP!"

"[after finding out that Chris had tried to rape Sarah] I'm gonna go play."

"Have you ever heard of invoking the spirit? It's when you call him... Manon. It's like... it's like you take him into you. It's like he fills you. He takes everything that's gone wrong into your life and makes it all better again."

"If God and the Devil were playing football, Manon would be the stadium that they played in, he would be the sun that shined down on them."

"You know, if I was pathetic as you are, I would have killed myself ages ago. You should get on with it."

"[After causing a tree branch to nearly fall on Bonnie and Rochelle] Be careful. You don't wanna end up like Nancy."

"You know, in the old days, if a witch betrayed her coven, they would kill her."

"Hold your breath till I call."

"[After kicking Nancy into a mirror] I bind you, Nancy, from doing harm."

"Brenda Strong - Doctor"

"William Newman - Street Preacher"

"Assumpta Serna - Lirio"

"Helen Shaver - Grace Downs"

"Nathaniel Marston - Trey"

"Breckin Meyer - Mitt"

"Christine Taylor - Laura Lizzie"

"Cliff DeYoung - Mr. Bailey"