"The reality is another story, my story. See that good looking fella? No, not the kid in white – the other tired, good looking fella. Yeah, him. Well, that's me. British Davis Cup, long time ago. Two singles titles, even longer ago. Presently ranked 119th in the world. Sport is cruel. Now, I know it doesn't sound too bad. 4 million tennis players in the world and I'm 119th, but what that really means is this: 118 guys out there are faster, stronger, better and younger."

"[Walking out onto Centre Court] Fuck a duck."

"So that's cucumber cucumber and cucumber, they forgot to put the sandwich in my sandwich."

"Ron, I genuinely despise you."

"And may I say good body – luck! Shit."

"Carl, you bastard."

"Oh my god, shouldn't he be off learning about masturbation or something?"

"Lizzie, Lizzie, don't say a word. I was thinking a repeat of the other night, like Fish and Chips, early to bed... Mr Bradbury, hello. Mr Bradbury?"

"Austin Nichols as Jake Hammond"

"My parents are still together, which proves that love is not only blind, it's bloody stupid."

"Zen Gesner - Thomas"

"Prudence Wright Holmes - Mrs. Boorg"

"Steve Tyler - Gas Station Attendant"

"Lin Shaye - Mrs Dumars the Landlady"

"Chris Elliott - The Gambler"

"William Jordan - Mr. Boorg"

"Rob Moran - Stanley Osmanski"

"Richard Tyson - Stiffy's owner"

"Woody Harrelson - Roy Munson"

"Randy Quaid - Ishmael Boorg"

"Vanessa Angel - Claudia"

"The movie the Olympuk comitee wouldn't allow you to see."

"Danny Greene - Calvert Munson"

"You wouldn't want to meet these pinheads in an alley."

"From the idiots what brung you "Dumb and Dumber""

"Bill Murray - Ernie "Big Ern" McCracken"

"You're on a gravy train with biscuit wheels."

"It's a small world when you've got unbelievable tits Roy."

"What is it about good sex that makes me have to crap? You really jarred something loose, Tiger!"

"Take that, you freaky piece of shit. You don't mow another guy's lawn."

"A movie with a lot of balls."

"Who you calling psycho?!?!"

"The world can really kick your ass. I only have a VAGUE recollection of when it wasn't kickin' mine."

"Willie Garson - Purse snatcher"

"A comedy right up your alley."

"Chris Schenkel - himself"

"Nelson Burton, Jr. - himself"

"P. W. Evans - himself"

"Morganna Roberts - Kissing Bandit"

"Shaznay Lewis - Mel"

"Ameet Chana - Tony"

"Shaheen Khan — Mrs. Bhamra"

"Anupam Kher - Mr. Bhamra"

"Frank Harper - Alan Paxton"

"Archie Panjabi - Pinky Bhamra"

"Juliet Stevenson — Paula Paxton"

"Parminder Nagra — Jessminder "Jess" Bhamra"

"Keira Knightley — Juliette "Jules" Paxton"