"Wally: Tell me, doc... why do those... types, think I'm one of them? Therapist: Because... you are one of them. You are gay. You-you-you are gay, you are a homosexual. The opposite of straight, you're gay. I know it, your family knows it. Dogs know it! Everybody knows it but you!"

"Cab driver: When I was a little boy, my mother used to sing me a song. It went like this: Life is short, life is shit, and soon it will be over."

"Scientist: It was only a couple of Flipper babies!"

"Grivo: I wanna talk about drugs. Audience: Heroin? Grivo: No. Not heroin. Audience: Speed? Grivo: No. Not speed. Audience: Hashish? Grivo: No, not even hashish. Audience: (beat) Horse tranquilizers? Grivo: No. Not horse tranquilizers. I just heard about a drug that makes you happy. I just want to say... (looks at the crowd) ...fuck happy!"

"Raymond Hurdicure (Dave Foley): Sorry we're late Ma, but you know how the kids hate old people."

"Cisco (Bruce McCullough): Soak it up you ugly sponge."

"German Patient: The nipples of Mother Hope have run dry."

"Bellini: Thank God that's finally over."

"Dave Foley: So when people say to me let sleeping dogs lie, I say to them, friend, sleeping dogs...they eventually wake up...and chew out the throat of democracy!"

"Dave Foley: Well, fine, if you want to quit, you can, but I can't! You see, I didn't ask to be a prophet. Nope, you see one day I just heard a voice say, "Hey, Ted! Ted! No, over here, Ted!" And I turned and I saw the very bright lights. And I said, "Hi," and God said. "Hi," and I said, "So you're God huh?" and God said, "Yup, how you doin', Ted?" and I said, "Okay, how 'bout you lord?" "Pretty good what's new Ted?" I said, "Oh, nothing much, what's new with you?" And he said, "Well, you know, same old, same old. Well I guess I'd better be running along, you must be busy." And I said, "No, God, I'm not doing anything." And God said, "Well, I better be running anyway." and I said, "Wait, God, is there anything you'd like me to tell the people?" And God said unto me, "Just tell 'em I said, 'Hi.'""

"Bruce McCulloch: Now I'm more confused than a horny bisexual at an orgy!"

""Daddy" (Dave Foley): All right now, son, I want you to get a good night's rest. And remember, I could murder you while you sleep. It's easy, son, all you have to do is be quiet and willing to do it. And son, I am willing to do it. And, I've got quiet shoes. Good night, son. Sleep well."

"Darill: (to date) You look alarmed! Is it because you find something alarming?"

"Sir Simon Milligan (Kevin McDonald): Now, for those of you with a brave heart and for those of you who have stayed, look into my face and know, to look into my face is to look into the face..of EVIL!"

"Jesus (Scott Thompson): Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do, for they walk through this life in toe-crampity shoes. (http://www.kithfan.org/work/transcripts/one/drseuss.html)"

"Rebecca Front - Barbara Wintergreen, Rosy May, Valerie Sinatra, Ange of "The Bureau", other roles"

"Steve Coogan - Alan Partridge, Alvin Holler, Mr Hennety of "The Bureau", other roles"

"Michael Alexander St John - Voiceover"

"David Schneider - Sylvester Stewart, Brant, Alex of "The Bureau", other roles"

"Patrick Marber - Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan, Jacques-'Jacques' Liverot, Chapman Baxter, Guy of "The Bureau", other roles"

"Doon Mackichan - Collaterlie Sisters, Maria of "The Bureau", other roles"

"Chris Morris - Himself, Ted Maul, other roles"