"Between two married couples there are five possibilities for friendship: man to man, woman to woman, each man to the woman not his wife, and couple to couple. It's seldom that more than two of these will actually materialize."

"As we are human, we can't do what we can't do; as we're neurotic, we can't do what we can."

"No good neurotic finds it difficult to be both opinionated and indecisive."

"The neurotic has perfect vision in one eye, but he cannot remember which."

"The neurotic doesn't know how to cope with his emotional bills; some he keeps paying over and over, others he never pays at all."

"Others settle for small rewards; the neurotic must always go for broke."

"The neurotic longs to touch bottom, so at least he won't have that to worry about that anymore."

"The neurotic circles ceaselessly above a fogged-in airport."

"The neurotic thinks himself both Hamlet and Claudius, in a world that belongs to Polonius."

"The neurotic is always half-drowning in anxiety, and always being half-rescued."

"Neurosis is no worse than a bad cold; you ache all over, and it's made you a mess, but you won't die from it."

"Neurotics would like to sleep all the time, and to be awakened only when there is good news."

"At the beginning of a love affair, not even the neurotic is neurotic."

"There are three iron links in the neurotic's chain: unloving, unlovable, unloved."

"The neurotic listens to weather reports about Small Craft Warnings, and he thinks: They're talking about me."

"Naturally, the neurotic wants you to love him twice as much, for he's going to cut it in half anyway."

"The neurotic feels as though trapped in a gas-filled room where at any moment someone, probably himself, will strike a match."

"Neurotics dream of a good life, or a great suicide note."

"Neurotics always feel as though they were going way up or way down, which is odd in people going sideways."

"The neurotic usually obeys his own Golden Rule: Hate thy neighbor as thyself."

"Being neurotic is like shooting fish in a barrel, and missing them."

"Neurotic: Someone who can go from the bottom to the top, and back again, without ever once touching the middle."

"Neurotics are sure that no one understands them, and they wouldn't have it any other way."

"The way the neurotic sees it: bars on his door mean that he's locked in; bars on your door mean that he's locked out."

"The neurotic keeps minute track of his enemies; it is only his friends he is careless about."

"The neurotic always wishes people would let him alone - until they do."

"Neurotics make poor patriots; if you're ashamed of something as big as yourself, it's hard to be proud of something as small as your country."

"A doctor recently described to me "benign positional vertigo": it means you get dizzy in certain positions, but you can get over it without necessarily changing the position. Change "vertigo" to "anxiety," and you've summed up the neurotic's plight."

"Humiliation is a vast country of imprecise boundaries. If you think you're there, you are."

"The neurotic rule: when in doubt, go ahead and feel humiliated."

"Neurotics are always looking for something new to overdo."

"Of all second-class citizens, neurotics are the only ones who are so by choice."

"Neurotics are anxiety prone, accident prone, and often just prone."

"The mark of the neurotic: to imagine that you're the only one who cares deeply for anything."

"The neurotic believes that life has meaning, but that his life hasn't."

"The neurotic lies awake at night, composing letters to those he hates. He seldom thinks of dropping a line to those he loves."

"Neurotics think of the past with resentment, and the future with dread; the present just doesn't exist."

"Neurotics expect you to remember all the things that they tell you, and many that they don't."

"Broadway audiences are dependably square. "Well, I'll be a son of a bitch" always gets a laugh; spoken by a little old lady, it brings down the house."

"Many of us go through life feeling as an actor might feel who does not like his part, and does not believe in the play."

"Few novels or plays could exist without at least one troublemaker in the group, and perhaps life couldn’t either."

"In the theatre, as in life, we prefer a villain with a sense of humor to a hero without one."

"Theatre audiences can't be made to think and cry: at best, they can be made to think and laugh, or to feel and cry."

"Men prefer brief praise, pitched high; women are satisfied with praise in a lower key, just so it goes on and on."

"Desire is in men a hunger, in women only an appetite."

"Few women care what a man looks like, and a good thing, too."

"Women are never landlocked: they’re always mere minutes away from the briny deep of tears."

"An attractive woman likes feminine company until she's twenty, and after she's twenty-five."

"Women are good listeners, but it’s a waste of time telling your troubles to a man unless there’s something specific you want him to do."

"Many beautiful women have been made happy by their own beauty, but no intelligent woman has ever been made happy by her own intelligence."