"[in the bathroom] Please. Please, god, help me. Why do I even bother? Why do I even... You've never given me one thing. Any time I ask you for anything, you're like, "oh, you need help with something? Let me help you. I'm just playing. I'm gonna butt-fuck you some more. [she reaches for toilet paper, but there is none left.]"

"Life's about taking risks. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there."

"Wow. I actually was writing my own suicide note just now. “I have 32 fleeting minutes of happiness during lunch, which has been eaten up again and again by the same especially badly dressed student, and I finally thought I would rather have the dark nothingness. It sounds so relaxing. Have a nice life without me, fuckers.”"

"Louise Griffiths as Liz Batho / Elizabeth Báthory"

"Sarah Stouffer as Britney"

"Lindsey Morgan as Noemi"

"Amy Okuda as Ashley"

"Francia Raisa as Katharine"

"Eddy Rioseco as Paul"

"Chloë Crampton as Kelly"

"Allison Scagliotti as Leah"

"Greer Grammer as Nicole"

"Molly Shannon - Anita"

"John C. Reilly - Augustus "Gus" Strauss"

"Jeremy Jordan - Guy Perkins"

"Drew Barrymore - Josie Geller"

"David Arquette - Rob Geller"

"Michael Vartan - Sam Coulson"

"Some things are worth waiting for"

"Jessica Alba - Kirsten"

"Leelee Sobieski - Aldys"

"Merkin: I'm just a little tense. This whole office is not Feng Shui. All the desks are facing evil."

"Aldys: [faking "Valley Girl" accent] Oh my God, like, there goes another lemming!"

"The Class Clown Just Turned Chic."

"Merkin: Hey, Merkin ain't jerkin', he's workin'."

"I'm the coleslaw king of the world!"

"See ya around the Cell Block, Mrs. Robinson."

"A Comedy With Class."

"Sex can be fun... when you're old enough, which none of you are. I should know. When you lose it to some guy named Junior with bad breath in the back of a van at a Guns N' Roses concert, you're gonna wish you had listened to your mother when she said, "They're not gonna want to buy the whole friggin' ice cream truck when you're handing out the popsicles for free!" [giggles and sighs] ...So, any questions? [every hand goes up]"

"Somebody once said, "To write well, you have to write what you know." Well, here is what you know..."

"Let me tell you something, I don't care about being your stupid prom queen. I'm 25 years old. I'm an undercover reporter for the Chicago Sun Times and I've been beating my brains out trying to impress you people. Let me tell you something, Gibby, Kirsten, Kristin, you will spend your lives trying to keep others down because it makes you feel more important. Why her? Let me tell you about this girl, she is unbelievable. I was new here and she befriended me no questions asked. But you, you were only my friend after my brother, Rob, posed as a student and told you to like me. All of you people, there is a big world out there... bigger than prom, bigger than high school and it won't matter if you were the prom queen, the quarterback of the football team, or the biggest nerd in school. Find out who you are and try not to be afraid of it."

"Wow, that was just like "Carrie!" I thought she was gonna kill us all."

"Hey, Guy, guys, Guy's guys!"

"Jordan Ladd - Gibby"

"All you need is for one person to think you're cool, and you're in. Everyone else will be scared to question it."

"Rob, you're not going to believe it, I made friends with a whole table of rastafari. Not just one, a whole table... You know what's a weird word? Fork. Oh my God, someone ate my entire pie! I don't know how that happened!"

"She's never been hip. Never been cool. Never been in... Until now"

"Jenny Bicks - Miss Haskell"

"Katie Lansdale - Tracy"

"Branden Williams - Tommy"

"Cress Williams - George"

"Garry Marshall - Rigfort"

"Octavia Spencer - Cynthia"

"Marissa Jaret Winokur - Sheila"

"Maya McLaughlin - Lara"

"Sean Whalen - Merkin"

"Giuseppe Andrews - Denominator"

"I'm not Josie Grossie anymore!"

"Marley Shelton - Kristen"

"James Franco - Jason"