"But my question about that whole flap — the Republicans are very angry. Dick Cheney said, 'I'm an angry father.' If it's not shameful to be gay, why are their panties in a bunch about this? I mean… Right? They talk about her like she's some retarded monster they have chained in the attic. You know, if being gay is not that, why is it a controversy to bring her up? … It's an issue in this election. Don't talk about my daughter, who we're trying to discriminate against, in a constitutional amendment."

"I was watching Andrea Mitchell… talking about debates, and she said, 'A sighing Gore, a sweating Nixon, a seemingly bored Bush, those unfortunate, unscripted moments that voters sometimes remember most.' And I thought, yeah, they remember most because you show it on a loop on your media 24 hours a frigging day! That's why they remember it most! It's not the voters who — it's what the media pick — the media picks out a few moments and they show it over and over again. And then people go, 'Well, Gore sighed; he's toast.'"

"He went to Vietnam because as a young man, he thought that was the right thing to do. He saw what was going on in Vietnam, came back, threw his medals away, changed his mind. Is it wrong that a guy goes to the slaughterhouse and comes back a vegetarian? Isn't that what thinking people do?"

"New Rule: When you say you're not comparing someone to Hitler, you're comparing them to Hitler. This week, a Georgia congressman said, "I'm not comparing Obama to Adolf Hitler. What I'm saying is there's the potential of going down that road." Well, Congressman, I'm not comparing your head to a butt-plug, but it does seem to spend a lot of time up your ass."

"How is it that in the information age, it's almost impossible to get actual information to the public? That Barack Obama is a Christian, not a Muslim. It's not an opinion, or a controversy. It's an easily verifiable fact. But in the darkness of ignorance there are no facts anymore. Evolution is just a theory. Global warming needs more study. Saddam might have been behind 9/11 and the surge is working! What can't you convince people of just by saying it? John McCain is a cyborg. He's a cyborg made from the spare parts of Freddie Mercury and the stem cells of aborted fetuses. There. I said it. It's true. And you know its true because when I wrote it on the Internet I didn't add 'LOL.' You know, it used to be kind of forgivable to not know anything. Maybe you went to high school in America. Or you watch alot of reality TV. Or you're a Baptist. But, now there's the Internet. And Google. Information is everywhere. You know that computer thing that the Nigerians keep using to get your PIN number? You can also use it to find out stuff! If you think Obama is a Muslim or John McCain has an illegitimate black baby or Obama is that baby ... That's not an opinion. You're just stubbornly uninformed. So let me spell a few things out for you. Is Obama a Muslim? No. He. Isn't. Was Saddam behind September 11th? No. He. Wasn't. And while we're at it: Neither. Was. Bush. How do we know Bush wasn't behind September 11th? Because it worked. AND, it involved: PLANNING."

"And if there is such a thing as karma, let's hope that Sarah Palin comes back as a wolf being shot at from a plane."

"She takes the Old Testament literally, too. And in that one, God is an insecure, rage-filled hybrid of Bobby Knight and Suge Knight. He's been alive forever and he has anger issues. He's like John McCain if McCain could fart hail. He's pro-slavery, pro-polygamy, and homophobic, and he'll kill you for masturbating. More people get stoned in the Old Testament than in my Jacuzzi....If there was a video of Barack Obama standing in front of his congregation being healed by a black witch doctor, this election would be over. But there is that video of Sarah Palin. So, ask your witch doctor if exorcism is right for you. And I don't say "witch doctor" because he's black. I say it because when you're rebuking witches, you're a witch doctor. Witch doctor, folks! This is our country. We've got to get it back from the forces of organized superstition!"

"Now, take a look at these pictures. Here are the CEO's of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG and the Lehman Brothers. I know the first thing that jumps out about these faces is they all happen to be white, and they all happen to be responsible for stealing. But, what you have to understand is that these whites are a product of a society that made them that way. It was the neighborhoods and the schools they went to: Harvard, Yale, the Wharton School of Business. They never learned the value of doing real, actual work. And the first step to fixing that is better role models so kids growing up white today don't think the only way out of Westchester is corporate crime. Or a government handout. Or sailing."

"Now, of course, there's the oft-heard refrain that she's behind in states, behind in the popular vote, and behind in the delegate count. But, I don't buy that, because I'm an American, damn it! And if there are three things I don't believe in, it's quitting and math."

"I think they need to move the date of Earth Day because anybody who cares about the earth is still high from 4/20."

"You know who's bitter in America? I am, because shit-kickers voted twice for a retarded guy they wanted to have a beer with and everybody else had to suffer the consequences."

"If you think Democrats are going to take away your Bible, you're an idiot. If you think they are going to take away your gun, you're an armed idiot. If you think they're going to take away your gun and give it to a Mexican to kill your God, you're Bill O'Reilly."

"If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope."

"Whenever you combine a secretive compound, religion, and weirdos in pioneer outfits, there's gonna be some child fucking going on."

"They believe in the free market for profit but they want to socialize losses."

"Why is monotheistic faith better than polytheistic? I mean, either you believe – if you believe in, like, a magic person who can do magic things, why is it different – so different if it's Superman or the Fantastic Four?"

"I'm sure if you asked "What would Jesus veto?", it wouldn't be health care for sick kids."

"If you can look at the war in Iraq, the melting environments and the descent of America into "idiocracy," and still think our biggest problems are boobies during the Super Bowl and the "war on Christmas," then you don't have values, you have issues."

"In Hillary Clinton's health plan the words "diet" and "exercise" appear once. The word "drugs"? Fourteen times. Just like the pharmaceutical companies wanted. You know, their add weasels like to say "When diet and exercise fail..." Well, diet and exercise don't fail, a fact brought home last week by a new Duke University study that shows exercise – yes, exercise – is just as effective a cure for depression as Paxil and Zoloft. So ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you!"

"We won't stop being sick until we stop making ourselves sick. Because there is a point where even the most universal government health program can't help you. They can't outlaw unhealthy food, or alcohol, or cigarettes. Just pot, sadly. Because, you see, the government is not your nanny; they're your dealer. And they've subsidized illness in this country. They have to, there's too much money in it. You see, there's no money in healthy people, and there's no money in dead people. The money is in the middle: people who are alive, sort of, but with one or more chronic conditions that puts them in need of Celebrex, or Nasinex, or Valtrex, or Lunesta. Fifty years ago, children didn't even get Type-2 diabetes. Now it's an emerging epidemic, as are a long list of ailments that used to be rare, and have now been...mainstreamed. Things like asthma, and autism, and acid reflux, and arthritis, allergies, adult acne, attention deficit disorder. And that's just the A's. Doesn't anybody wonder why we live with all this illness?"

"iPhone's price reduction wasn't a price cut, it was a reduction of the nerd tax."

"New Rule: You can't send the National Guard to Iraq and then claim it's still here. The helicopters, the humvees, the men...like Dorothy and Toto, they're not in Kansas anymore. Sorry, Mr. President, but the last documented case of a National Guardsman able to be in two places at one time... was you."

"When they [Republicans] say "They're going to raise taxes", you say "We have to, because someone spent all the money in the world cutting Paris Hilton's taxes and not killing Osama Bin Laden.""

"I know this is uncomfortable for the "faith over facts" crowd, but the "greatness" of a country can, to a large extent, be measured. Here are some numbers: infant mortality rate, America ranks 48th in the world; overall health, 72nd; freedom of the press, 44; literacy, 55th. Do you realize there are twelve-year-old kids in this country who can't spell the name of the teacher they're having sex with?....In most of the industrialized world nearly everyone has healthcare; and hardly anyone doubts evolution; and yes, having to live amid so many superstitious dimwits is also something that affects quality of life. It's why America isn't gonna be the country that gets the inevitable patents in stem cell research, because Jesus thinks it's too close to cloning."

"New Rule: Airplane black boxes must now be made out of Keith Richards. The man, who has taken more drugs than Whitney Houston, Rush Limbaugh and Robert Downey Jr., combined, recently fell out of a tree, and then crashed a jet ski. And yet, somehow, that cigarette never fell out of his mouth. What is this guy still running on? I've got to know. Because I'm beginning to think the future of medicine isn't injecting stem cells, it's injecting heroin."

"New Rule: Paula Abdul must go back on drugs. "American Idol" will always have a place in my heart. It's where I met Clay. And what could be more exciting than televised karaoke? But everyone knows the show is most entertaining when Paula is thick-tongued and sleepy-eyed and poised on the brink of yelling, "Who wants to do me?!""

"New rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain."

"On the third day, when they still hadn't done anything, uh, Fidel Castro — this is not a joke! — stepped forward to offer aid. Fidel Castro had to call a news conference to say, "Some President in this hemisphere must do something." Now, what do you think Rush Limbaugh would have said if Bill Clinton had been President when that happened? He would have said, "This country has been brought so low by Bill Clinton, that Fidel Castro, a Mexican, has had to come forward… And, and by the way, Mexico did send us — another not-joke — bottled water. When you are getting clean water from Mexico, you might be a red-neck President…"

"New Rule: Stop introducing a new iPod every month. First came the original, then the Mini, then the Shuffle, now the Nano. It's so slim Kate Moss uses it to cut her cocaine."

"On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon, and the city of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky! I'm not saying you don't love this country, I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So yes, God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, "Take a hint.""

"It's been over a year since they graduated, but neither of the Bush twins has been able to find work. Why don't they sign up [for the army]? Do they hate America or just freedom in general?"

"Well, the American public always wanted to vote for a guy — and Bush was the perfect guy — who they'd want to have over for pot-roast. And George Bush is that guy. He does that well. You'd like to have him over for pot-roast. He reminds you of yourself. Okay. Well, now he's been over, he's had the pot-roast. But he's getting drunk and now he's talking about stem cells and Terri Schiavo and gay marriage. And now he's the guest that won't leave."

"Laura Linney - Abigail Adams"

"Rufus Sewell - Alexander Hamilton"

"Sarah Polley - Abigail "Nabby" Adams"

"Clancy O'Connor - Edward Rutledge"

"David Morse - George Washington"

"Stephen Dillane - Thomas Jefferson"

"Paul Giamatti - John Adams"

"Danny Huston - Samuel Adams"

"Tom Wilkinson - Benjamin Franklin"

"Justin Theroux - John Hancock"

"Rhys Darby - Murray Hewitt"

"Arj Barker - Dave"

"Kristen Schaal - Mel"

"Jemaine Clement - Jemaine"

"Bret McKenzie - Bret"

"Harold Perrineau - Augustus Hill"

"Jon Seda - Dino Ortolani"

"Leon - Jefferson Keane"