"It's not right to feel shitty this time of year, but everybody does. It's like this is life, and once you go through it long enough, you realize what the flavor is. And it sure ain't vanilla!"

"It's too bad though. I'd do him, if he wasn't so dumb!"

"Look at him! He's like a tumor sittin' over there. Ugh, and his hair! It just bothers me so much!"

"Once people got used to stay away, they always stay away. I never got close to anyone."

"I am not very good with people."

"Magic records and a baboon heart..."

"He doesn't make sense, I don't make sense, together we make sense."

"What worries me is when someone is as screwed up as these guys doesn't want me!"

"My life is like watching the Three Stooges in Spanish!"

"I am going to fall in love with you. You don't have to love me back. I am going to give you my heart."

"He was like an angel, you know? I never knew life could be like that. He was the one thing I followed through in my life, the one thing I didn't give up on. I was good at loving him."

"Don't let people stand in your way. They're just people, like you and me! Well, maybe not like you. I don't know if I have ever met anyone like you before."

"[about her dad] First guy to walk out of my life, definitely not the last. Funny things, you and me. You always stayin' away from love, me always chasin' after it."

"[during her beauty exam] Lady, I'm not butchering your hair. It's a free haircut, so stop your bitching, before I cut it all off, you fat cow!"

"Oh my God! My baby. That swan ate my baby. Baby, please, get out, we gotta go to State!"

"Mo Gaffney — Terry Macey"

"Will Sasso — Hank"

"Matt Malloy — John Dough"

"Brooke Bushman — Tammy Curry"

"Mindy Sterling — Iris"

"Amy Adams — Lesley Miller"

"Allison Janney — Loretta"

"Ellen Barkin — Annette Atkins"

"Kirstie Alley — Gladys Leeman"

"Denise Richards — Becky Ann Leeman"

"Kirsten Dunst — Amber Atkins"

"If looks could kill..."

"Hank: Harold, Harold, Are we on cops again Harold?"

"Leslie: They'll never let you perform naked, I asked."