"Joel, you look like a smart kid. I'm going to tell you something I'm sure you'll understand. You're having fun now, right? Right, Joel? The time of your life. In a sluggish economy, never ever fuck with another man's livelihood. Now, if you're smart, and I hope you are, you're not gonna make me come back here."

"I'm really trying to be friends with you. But I'd appreciate it if you'd stop laying these little judgments on me while you're leaning on your daddy's $40,000 car."

"[voiceover] My name is Joel Goodson. I deal in human fulfillment. I grossed over eight thousand dollars in one night. Time of your life, huh kid?"

"[about Lana] It was great the way her mind worked: No guilt, no doubts, no fear. None of my specialties. Just this shameless pursuit of immediate material gratification. What a capitalist! She told me I could make more money in one night than I'd make all year. Enough to pay for my father's car. She told me she'd be my girlfriend. She told me a lot of things. I believed them all. So, she introduced me to her friends. I introduced her to my friends."

"It seems to me that if there were any logic to our language, trust would be a four letter word."

"[voiceover] The dream is always the same. Instead of going home, I go to the neighbors'. I ring, but nobody answers. The door is open, so I go inside. I'm looking around for the people, but nobody seems to be there. And then I hear the shower running, so I go upstairs to see what's what. Then I see her; this... girl, this incredible girl. I mean, what she's doing there I don't know, because she doesn't live there... but it's a dream, so I go with it. "Who's there?" she says. "Joel," I say. "What are you doing here?" "I don't know what I'm doing here; what are you doing here?" "I'm taking a shower," she says. Then I give her: "You want me to go?" "No," she says; "I want you to wash my back." So now, I'm gettin' enthusiastic about this dream. So I go to her, but she's hard to find through all the steam and stuff; I keep losing her. Finally I get to the door... and I... find myself in a room full of kids taking their college boards. I'm over three hours late; I've got two minutes to take the whole test. I've... just made a terrible mistake. I'll never get to college. My life is ruined."

"Kevin Pollak - Janni Pytor Gogolak"

"Amanda Peet - Jill St. Claire"

"Natasha Henstridge - Cynthia Tudeski"

"Michael Clarke Duncan - Franklin 'Frankie Figs' Figueroa"

"Rosanna Arquette - Sophie Oseransky"

"Matthew Perry (actor) - Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky"

"Bruce Willis - Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski"

"Life's a comedy. It's all in the execution."

"In the heart of suburbia, a hit man with heart has just moved in."

"Janni Gogolack: Ansfer dat."

"Janni Gogolack: My father is a great man. A man of wision, and character. A man who stood up for his beliefs. Unlike that rat FUCK, piece of SHIT... Tudeski."

"Sophie Oseransky: You do this for me, and I give you your divorce. And if you don't do this for me, I swear I'll make your life so damn miserable it will make these past few years look like a pleasure cruise."

"[to Jill] You know, I can't think of nothing finer than a fine naked woman holding a gun. You know you're just all kinds of fine, don't you?"

"Oz, I just wanted to be sure it was you. Everybody's inside. By the way, [grabs his crotch] Huevos grandes, amigo!"

"[every time Oz doesn't answer, Frankie hits him in the stomach or kidneys, then hugs him to stop him collapsing] My brother, believe me, you don't want to dance with me all night."

"[on Sophie] You know, you'd be doing the world a favor if you just had her whacked."

"I'm still a virgin. I mean I haven't killed anyone yet."

"You know what I'm going to do...I'm...I'm gonna...I'm gonna go! [Oz attempts to open the side door but fails] ...does this slide?"

"[The phone rings, Oz is startled] Phone!..[The phone rings again]..There it is again!"

"[Watches from behind a two-way mirror as Sophie sobbingly confesses to trying to murder him] This would be sad if it wasn't so pathetic."

"OK, OK. Let's say that he did make a pass at you. The guy's been in prison for five years. He's desperate. He'd sleep with a meat grinder."

"Oh, and don't forget the body!"

"Uh... it's room service. Before I vomited I ordered scotch."

"Room service? Yes this is room 519. I'm gonna need a bigger bottle of Scotch!"

"You know this whole... sneaking into the house thing, to try to kill me? You guys are really good! You really... heh heh heh... bye, Janni! [shoots Janni in the head]"

"I'm telling you this like a friend because if you screw this up - I would hate to... I would really hate to have to kill you. I would hate it more than mayonnaise. You know how much I hate mayonnaise."

"Friends do not engage in sexual congress with each other's wives."

"The great and powerful Oz."

"Every red-blooded American knows that the only condiment that you are ever supposed to put on a hamburger is KETCHUP! Or MAYBE some of that SPECIAL SAUCE you like so much here in Canada; which I think has a little bit of mayonnaise in it too! But I swear to God when they start slapping that mayonnaise on there I could kill somebody."

"I'm gonna keep the coke and the fries but I'm gonna send this burger back. And if you put any mayonnaise on it, I'm gonna come over to your house, I'll chop your legs off, set fire to your house, and watch as you drag your bloody stumps out the door."

"Everybody dies. Sooner or later."

"It's not important how many people I've killed. What's important is how I get along with the people who are still alive."

"Olivia d'Abo as Betty Jo"

"Drew Barrymore as Bjergen Kjergen"

"Scott Coffey as a heavy metaller"

"Lee Tergesen as Terry, Wayne and Garth's bud"

"Frank DiLeo as Frankie "Mr. Big" Sharp"

"Larry Sellers as The Naked Indian"

"Michael A. Nickles as Jim Morrison"

"Ed O'Neill as Glen"

"Chris Farley as Milton"

"Jim Downey as the dubbed voice of Jeff Wong"

"Kim Basinger as Honey Hornée"

"James Hong as Jeff Wong"