"[The IRA have just destroyed a Black-and-Tan mechanised infantry patrol] Mercenaries! That were paid to come over here to make us crawl, and to wipe us out. We've just sent a message to the British cabinet that will echo and reverberate around the world! If they bring their savagery over here, we will meet it with a savagery of our own!"

"If we ratify this treaty, all we're changing is the accents of the powerful and the colour of the flag."

"[to Sinead, about Chris] We buried him in this chapel in the mountains. And I went down and... and I told his mother. His mother, who has cooked meals for me and her son. And when I told her she... she just looked at me. and then she went in and she put on her shoes. Then she came out and she said, "Take me to my child." And we walked for six hours and she didn't say one word. Then we got to the chapel. [sighs] And I showed her the grave. And I'd put a... cross and some flowers on it. And she turned to me and she said, "I never want to see your face again." [sighs] I've crossed the line now, Sinead."

"Strange creatures we are, even to ourselves."

"Your presence here is a crime, a foreign occupation. You tell me what I'm supposed to do as a democrat. Turn the other cheek for another 700 years? Is that it?"

"The Treaty does not express the will of the people, but the fear of the people."

"It's easy to know what you are against, but quite another to know what you are for."

"I tried not to get into this war, and couldn't. Now I try to get out, and can't."

"(Banging Dale's snare drum with his scrotum) John Bonham's playing Moby Dick for real!"

"Mary Steenburgen as Nancy Huff-Doback"

"Richard Jenkins as Robert Doback"

"John C. Reilly as Dale Doback"

"Will Ferrell as Brennan Huff"

"(On Christmas Day, regarding his Chewbacca mask) It's okay that mine's not movie quality."

"(After singing for Dale, upon his request) I felt like I was hovering over my own body, watching myself sing."

"(In regards to Robert and Nancy, who are retiring, selling their residence and having him and Dale live on their own as adults) Hold on; We're not going on the boat... Derek's selling the house... We have to go therapy? (Robert nods in response) WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!?"

"(Wearing a Nazi outfit, to some home buyers) Hey, fuckers! Welcome to the neighborhood! My name is Craig. If you guys need any fertilizer, I've got a lot of it; Close to 80 tons. (to Derek, after the home buyers leave) Hey, Derek! Sprechen Sie Dick?"

"(At Derek's birthday gathering, during his and Dale's presentation of Prestige Worldwide) Last week, we put Liquid Paper on a bee... And it died."

"(Sleep-talking) I'll kill you, Leonard Nimoy."

"(Playing with Dale's drumset, as he yells in one of the drums) FUCK YOU, DALE! FUCK YOU!!"

"Elizabeth McKay - Ann"

"Jack Mulcahy - Jack McMullen"

"Mike McGlone - Patrick McMullen"

"Jennifer Jostyn - Leslie"

"Peter Johansen - Marty"

"Edward Burns - Barry/Finbar McMullen"

"Connie Britton - Molly McMullen"

"Catharine Bolz - Mrs. McMullen"

"Maxine Bahns - Audrey"

"Shari Albert - Susan"

"Jack is trying to save his marriage, Patrick is in a hopeless relationship, but their biggest problem is Barry's brotherly advice."

"Jack McMullen: I am a progressively modern, politically correct housewife."

"[holds up a banana] Man is like a banana. Strong and firm, bright and phallic, and he's protected by his all-important shield. But, when a woman comes along, you know, she sees this bright phallic beast and she wants it. So, she starts peeling away your all-important shield. [peels the banana] First, she wants to see your romantic side, then she wants to see your passionate side, finally she wants to see your soft, caring, feminine side. She keeps peeling and peeling until your left there buck naked, totally exposed with your balls blowing in the wind. And that's when she gets her knife, and she cuts away your manhood piece by piece until she's having your cock in her corn flakes."

"I like being a pessimist. It helps me deal with my inevitable failure."

"Repression is not such a bad thing."