Film Producers From England

"Was Kanye West a "free speech warrior", Brand pondered, ten days before the rapper's very public spiral ended with him saying that he "loved Hitler"? Hmm. Tough one."

"In May 2007, Brand called Jimmy Savile, who suggested the pair could meet if Brand brought along a sister. Brand doesn't have a sister, so instead offered to bring a female employee — agreeing, on Savile's request, that she should be naked. "I've got a personal assistant," he said. "And part of her job description is that anyone I demand she greet, meet, massages, she has to do it. She's very attractive, Jimmy." This was four years before Savile's death and five years before details of the Jim’ll Fix It presenter's crimes were exposed."

"[On Brand's video comments preceding the media coverage of the September 2023 allegations] It’s insulting [...] And it's laughable that he would even imply that this is some kind of mainstream media conspiracy. He's not outside the mainstream – he did a Universal Pictures movie last year, he did Minions, a children's movie. He is very much part of the mainstream media, he just happens to have a YouTube channel where he talks about conspiracy theories to an audience that laps it up. And, it may sound cynical, but I do think that he was building himself an audience for years of people that would then have great distrust of any publication that came forward with allegations. He knew it was coming for a long time. And then, as for him denying that anything non-consensual happened. That's not a surprise to me. These men always deny any of the allegations brought to them – I knew he would. What he didn't deny was that he had a relationship with a 16-year-old.”"

"[By 2005–2006] Already, "Russell Brand Does Sex" was a tabloid staple. "He got me naked and pounded on top of me like a rabid dog," a woman from an Abba tribute act told the Sunday People, for example, apparently quite cheerfully. One day he'd be planning to bed Paris Hilton ("Would I bonk her brains out? Yes"), another he'd be bragging about a one-night stand with a Big Brother contestant. Generally, it was all a giggle. “HAVE you bonked Russell Brand this week?” asked the Sun, "Call us on . . ." This, after the News of the World had reported that "RANDY Russell Brand is coming to the Edinburgh Festival with women on his mind", noting that "The BB [Big Brother] host has asked for a flat across the road from the theatre where he'll star, to save time getting groupies into bed. Let's hope the bedroom action lasts longer than the walk!""

"[W]ith [Russell] Brand, his spiritual journey has been what you might expect of a bog-standard sex-case-turned-wingnut. He was previously a Buddhist, then earlier this year began endorsing a Roman Catholic prayer app called Hallow, and seems to have settled for now on whichever branch of the Anglican faith permits telly survivalists to rebirth you. "Week one as a Christian has been amazing," Brand said the other day, adding that he felt "changed, transitioned"”. Onlookers are unlikely to spot the difference. He still has a conspiracist TV portal in which viewers are treated to material on the deep state/Bill Gates/the plandemic – in short, all the usual suspects of the usual suspects. It’s hard to know how long his conversion will last. But you can’t help thinking there will only be room for one messiah in that relationship – and unfortunately, it won't be Jesus."

"[After reading out local newspaper accounts of multiple recent attacks on women and the dress of the suspect] However serious this sex attack was, the real crime was against fashion."

"In an infinite universe; eternal time, why just do what people tell you? 'ave a laugh; do what you want."

"If you're going to use 'theatrical' and 'bent' in such close proximity, you're going to give people the wrong impression."

"so when I was staying with him, he went 'alright, okay, so what time do you go to bed then?' and I thought 'fucking hell! he doesn't know what he's doing!! SHIIIIIIT!!' I went 'oooh, about, 10 oclock?', 'ah yeah, alright then'. YEEEES!! it's like the same feeling that as an adult I would get walking through customs with heroin in my bottom. 'I'm getting away with iiiiit!"

"You'd think, if you was me, you would think this and I am me, so I'm in a perfect position to offer conclusive evidence on that... innit like when you go away on holiday, you think 'oh yeah, I'd better go away on holiday, cheer myself up, get away from it all" but when you go on holiday, you're there, so it's shit!"

"So by being offended you've sorta acknowledged that you are thick, and none of us are, so we're all back on speaking terms!"

"I kat you?"

"Should we stick with the Goth Detectives from when we won last year? Where's our trophy?"

"[Piers Morgan:] Are you a more successful sexual predator now that you don't drink? [Brand:] Yes, but I resent the word "predator". I like to think of myself as a conduit of natural forces. After all, the most natural thing in the world for people to do is f*, isn't it? And people want to do it, so all you have to do is remove all the reasons why women don't actually go through with it, like pride and reputation. You just have to unpick the conditions stopping women going straight to bed with you."

"(after Noel Fielding has written "peep scarf" to describe a piece of muslim apparel) That's its proper name!"

"Where's Guy?!"

"The whole thing stinks, Carr!"

"October... Is that when there's conkers?"

"Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!"

"Blimey! Thank God my jeans are this tight- you could wear me like a puppet!"

"It's like Kilroy only talking about Big Brother and there's no racism allowed."

"[On chat-up lines] Well, stick around love, cos I've got worse. The worst being, simply, "Get in the van.""

"Hmm, wa'er! If, right, your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?"

"It's not really over. There's a little part of my brain that is:"

"[On a fabricated tabloid story] The Neptunian underworld king unleashed a barrage of eels from his abdomen and each of the eels was carrying a zippo lighter and as they flew by they spelt across the sky in fire 'Tara can a borrow your eyeliner please?' If you're gonna make stuff up go mental!"

"Spiral's views are so enchanting that when I heard them, I cleared off to Australia, strolled up Ayres Rock to the meditating Aborigines, pulled down my trousers and pants, polished my dinkle 'til it was as stiff as a pipe, prised its end open and shouted, "Lads, who wants a blow of my didgeridoo?!" They said they faced this ignorance from the white man on an almost daily basis."

"Charles Ingram's views are so pugnacious that when I heard them, I went back to ancient Arabia, sauntered into Aladdin’s cave, said "Open, sesame," perused all the treasures and trinkets until I got Aladdin's attention, pulled down my trousers and panties and forced a genie into my dinkle's peep hole and shouted, "Aladdin, rub the lamp! You'll get more than three wishes!" He said he wished I'd leave his cave."

"Matt Morgan: [To Russell] How have you developed pectoral muscles when you barely do anything for yourself?"

"Russell Brand: What did you say? Trevor Lock: I just said 'ow' Russell Brand: Oh yeah, that cleared it up. He probably sank to his knees at that point and screamed 'There is no God!' You probably made him renounce the clergy. He probably went straight off after that and had it off with someone..."

"I like pressing that emergency button on bus doors to escape."

"I don't like the idea of fruit being all turned on because of cream being poured on it. How then can you eat that fruit?"

"The first time Tim Westwood did that chestbump to me, I ended up sort of cuddling his arm."

"Karl Pilkington: And I was high up. Russell Brand: I'm picturing you as a sort of vigilante Batman figure, looking down over Salford, to see if there's any crimes. Karl Pilkington: And I was in my pants. Rusell Brand: Again, like a vigilante Batman figure."

"I saw a picture of Prince William, HRH William, in the paper today. He's going bald. I reckon by the end of next year he will be bald and I'm glad about that. Because of his playboy prince status and that, it makes me feel insecure about my own looks."

"I've looked right through the Bible, start to finish, looking for the bit saying 'Jesus was the mind behind Ikea', then there's no evidence to suggest this at all."

"When my dad left, you know, I'd give my mum hell sometimes, but really she's the one that stayed, isn't she? Poor cow, she didn't need that kind of aggravation."

"[After pleasuring a gay man named Gary in a Soho toilet] My tendencies and inclinations towards women are very, very powerful."

"BNP Member: I am proud to be white, and I am proud to be British. Brand: But you should find other things to be proud of mate."

"BNP Member: Listen, you told us that you wanted to come up here to make a politically neutral documentary. Russell Brand: No, I can't be neutral mate it's too important, I'm not going to let you destroy my fucking planet!"

"[After a boxing match in which Brand punched his father hard enough for the older man to fall to his knees] Shall we go down the pub and chat up some birds? Do something we're both good at?"

"You know, the relationships we 'ave, everything sort of bubbles under the surface. No one ever says what they actually mean, do they? It's all a bit pappy and rubbish."

"If that's a euphemism - an egg and spoon race, - I'm probably gold medal class."

"Could you imagine a wand that was not camp? Could you imagine, for example, Ray Winstone, with a wand? (Impersonating him) 'RIGHT OK. IT'S A KIND OF MAGIC, SIT DOWN.'"

"When asked what he puts on his hair: "Mostly orphans' tears, old clock parts, lizard's tails, spit, the concept of freedom; all up there, all shooshed up right nice and tight, like a bonfire that's never actually burned... it mutters follicular oddities into my mind.""

"I emerged from the womb, right, I was wearing a top hat and I had a cane and said: 'Mother, that was an awkward and embarrassing birth. You should be ashamed of yourself dear. Now pull your nightie down; that doctor looks salacious.' Then I trotted off outside, met up with Kenneth Williams and we both had tea, and we looked down at our dinkles with disgust."

"Let's send actual love to Robbie Williams. Get well England's Rose. One day at a time old bean. Ooh, those bloody drugs!"

"What about the rumours David Cameron smoked drugs as a schoolboy? What worries me most is that he dressed up as a schoolboy to do it, the pervert. Though perhaps, let’s not condemn him regardless. Who among us didn’t smoke just a little bit of weed at school, just to take the edge off those irksome crack come-downs? Actually, as it turns out, it’s about as good an anti-drugs campaign as you’re going to get, don’t take drugs you might end up leader of the Tories with a face like a little painted egg."

"I'm waiting for something worth waiting for."

"Is it Paul Mccartney? Is it Jimmy Page? No, it's Noel Gallagher, they look the same age!"

"Noel Fielding's not in, Noel Gallagher's not in, I think the message is don't trust Noels! Noel Edmunds, deal or no deal? No deal Noel!"