"And you my love, won't you take my hand? We'll go back in time, to that mystic land. Where the dew drops cry and the cats meow. I will take you there, I will show you how."

"You're sweet but you're just four feet, And you still got your baby teeth. You're too young and I'm too well hung, But tonight I'm gonna rock you."

"The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand."

"My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo. I love to sink her with my pink torpedo! Big bottom, big bottom, Talk about bum-cakes... my girl's got 'em. Big bottom, drive me out of my mind. How can I leave this... behind?"

"OOH, YOU MISERABLE BAGS OF BONES! PICK YOURSELVES UP, AND SALLY Fagghh- [jaw dislocates; he relocates it] SALLY Fagghh- [jaw dislocates again; he relocates it again] ...sally forth."

"Ted Raimi - Cowardly Warrior/Second Supportive Villager/S-Mart Clerk"

"Patricia Tallman - Possessed Witch"

"Bridget Fonda - Linda"

"Michael Earl Reid - Gold Tooth"

"Timothy Patrick Quill - Blacksmith"

"Richard Grove - Duke Henry the Red"

"Ian Abercrombie - Wiseman"

"Marcus Gilbert - Lord Arthur"

"Embeth Davidtz - Sheila"

"Bruce Campbell - Ashley J. "Ash" Williams/"Evil Ash""

"In an age of darkness, at a time of evil... When the world needed a hero, what it got was him."

"How can you destroy an army that's already dead?"

"They're looking for a few dead men."

"Sound the trumpets, raise the drawbridge, and drop the Oldsmobile."

"Foretold by a mystical book. Forewarned by a wiseman. Fulfilled by a wiseguy."

"Get ready. Get set. Get dead."

"They move. They breathe. They suck."

"1 man, 1 million dead, the odds are just about even."

"Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas"

"[after being burned and reduced to a skeleton by Ash] I got a bone to pick with you!"

"[fighting Ash] I'll spoil those good looks!"

"Dig, damn you! Dig faster! I shall command every worm-infested son of a bitch that ever died in battle!"

"How about some hot chocolate? huh?"

"[Last Lines (Director's Cut)] Oh God...! No! NO! I SLEPT TOO LOOOOOOONG!!!!!!"

"[Last Lines (Theatrical Cut)] Hail to the king, baby!"

"[final monologue] Sure I could've stayed in the past. Could've even been king. But in my own way, I am king."

"[sets "Evil Ash" on fire, then swings towards him on a rope] TALLY HOOOO! [kicks him off the castle wall]"

"[crushing skeletons with boulders] OH, THAT'S GOTTA HURT!"

"Keep your damn filthy bones outta my mouth!"