"Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey."

"[to Rupert Grint] Look at the great city of LA stretched out in front of you, son: there's dangerous people living in that cardboard backdrop."

"Don't do that... By the way, this is not Oprah furniture; you jump on this, and it will be firewood... Oprah's got the real thing, this stuff...this is about as real as that [points to cityscape backdrop] right there."

"Clive Barker: It's an excuse to look at my groin. Craig Ferguson: I'm European - I don't need an excuse."

"Craig Ferguson: Do you do therapy? Hugh Laurie: I see a gentleman once a week. Craig Ferguson: I love it, I'm a great convert. Hugh Laurie: Therapy? Craig Ferguson: No, just seeing a gentleman once a week."

"I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc."

"I view my own body as a Donalds hiccups I am the main attraction... And the only customer."

"[reading an email] "Dear Craig, … are your letters written by your writers?" No. "Does this make me one of your writers?" (ponders) Yes. "Why haven't I been paid?" Because you're one of my writers!"

"[to camera] Excuse me for just a second. [walks off-camera, to studio audience] Shut up!"

"[bends over] *errgh* Sorry for making that noise, but … that's what happens when you get older. One day what happens is that you bend over, and you never come back."

"Laughter separates us from despair and gives us a chance at love."

"[The Secretariat horse character reveals his true identity, and it happens to be Bob Newhart.]"

"[When beginning the cold open with another person] Please state your name for the camera."

"I can't live by your rules, man!"

"[After the doorbell rings, right before Secretariat appears] Who's that at the door?!"

"It's a great day for America, everybody."

"Remind you of anyone?"

"[referring to himself] Where's the Scottish Conan guy?"

"Sounds like a party at Elton John's house."

"It's a JOKE!"

"[referring to a category of people he might have upset with a joke] I'm looking forward to your letters..."

"[in reference to a two-word comment from a guest] ...I used to dance under that name."

"It's okay, I'm European [referring to a preceding sexually ambiguous comment]."

"I Know!...."

"...or is it?"

"...best night of my life."

"You know who doesn't like _____? Al-Qaeda!"

"[referring to a suggestive comment aimed at the audience] You too, ladies."

"[with a fist-shake] Take that, ____."

"By the way, there's a place on Hollywood Boulevard where you can get a _____ for twenty bucks."

"By the way, _____ was a name I used to dance under."

"By the way, _____ was the name of a movie I accidentally watched in a hotel room twenty or thirty times."

"Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys."

"Welcome back, my filthy pigeons."

"Welcome back, my naughty monkeys. [whipcrack]"

"Welcome back, my naughty donkeys."

"Welcome back, my naughty penguins."

"Welcome back, my frisky badgers"

"Welcome back to the big show where (at this point, he references something from earlier in the show)"

"Do what you love, and what you're proud of, and you're fuckin' bulletproof. You're fuckin' bulletproof. If you do what you absolutely believe to be right, then you're fuckin' bulletproof."

"Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of “what if” when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized."

"They could have gotten help for this infertility but they believed that interfering with the reproductive process, even if it was faulty, was anti-God. It was against His plan. It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots."

"Change is the nature of God’s mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain."

"The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men."

"Fraser’s mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo-intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place."

"Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea."

"High school is tough on anyone, an absolute rule of the Universe being that if high school is not a buttockclenchingly awkward, emotionally difficult, and unpleasant time of your life, then the rest of it will be a crushing disappointment. Academic success is desirable, popularity (the only thing that most students really desire) is not. Those who excel socially in high school are truly damned. The homecoming queen does indeed bear the mark of the beast."

"Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt."

"Always laugh second."

"Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken."