"Conan O'Brien: You catch your child swearing. Do you wash his mouth out with soap? Or do you sit him down and explain that he'd better not fucking do it again? I think you know what to do."

"Conan O'Brien: The next time you get your kids in the car turn off the radio and tune into them. I think you just might find that your kids are boring as hell. They've got nothing to say, I mean they're kids! Then turn that radio back on, pump up the volume and know that you're not missing a damn thing!"

"Conan O'Brien: Just cos all your friends are having sex doesn't mean you have to. Despite what everyone says, it's OK not to do it. In fact, I didn't have sex until I was 32 years old. Can we not do this one?"

"Max Weinberg: Having trouble in school? All those classes making your head spin? Well maybe you're just not very smart. Why not drop out and try interstate trucking? Because right now you're just embarrassing yourself."

"Max Weinberg: Hey, sometimes condoms break! Deal with it, Missy!"

"Max Weinberg "Hey look Conan you have a talk bubble.""

"There is an innate difficulty in accepting the existence of evil in a world ruled by a maleficent divine force, when logic dictates that such a God would dictate fairness and order in his universe. But you know on closer inspection, it is evident that without an inherent negative such as poverty, there would be no inherent positives such as selfless acts of charity and thus in a world without evil there are no heroes, which in short defines an absence of free will."

"(Audience is aww'ing to the evil puppy)"Don't aww to him, he's evil. He will take your souls into a deepest place in hell."

"Celebrity Gossip: It hurts, it tears down, it destroys. I love it."

"My ass is going to be fried...with 7 herbs and spices."

"I don't get paid enough to care."

"No, no, we're the good crap now!"