"[as the convicts dance to "Sweet Home Alabama"] Define irony: a bunch of idiots dancing on a plane to a song made famous by a band that died in a plane crash."

"[His first spoken words in the movie; regarding Billy Bedlam] He's a font of misplaced rage. Name your cliche: Mother held him too much or not enough, last picked at kickball, late night sneaky uncle, whatever. Now, he gets so angry, moments of levity actually cause him pain, gives him headaches. Happiness, for that gentleman, hurts."

"[on Cyrus "The Virus" Grissom] This one's done it all. Kidnapping, robbery, murder, extortion. His name is Cyrus Grissom, AKA "Cyrus the Virus." Thirty-nine years old, 25 of them spent in our institutions. But he's bettered himself inside. Earned two degrees, including his juris doctorate. He's also killed 11 fellow inmates, incited three riots, and escaped twice. Likes to brag that he's killed more men than cancer. Cyrus is a poster child for the criminally insane. He's a true product of the system."

"Put the bunny back in the box."

"They somehow managed to get every freak and creep in the universe on this one plane, and then somehow managed to let them take it over, and then they somehow managed to stick us right smack in the middle."

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking."

"Barbara Billingsley - Jive Lady"

"Stephen Stucker — Johnny"

"Robert Stack — Kramer"

"Lorna Patterson — Randy"

"Leslie Nielsen — Dr. Rumack"

"Robert Hays — Ted Striker"

"Julie Hagerty — Elaine"

"Peter Graves — Captain Oveur"

"Lloyd Bridges — McCroskey"

"Kareem Abdul-Jabbar — Roger Murdock"

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your stewardess speaking. We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused. This is due to periodic air pockets we encountered. There's no reason to become alarmed and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?"

"The Plane's going to Chicago. The Pilot's going to New York. The Passengers are going to Pieces!"

"The craziest flight you'll ever take!"

"Thank God it's Only a Motion Picture!"

"What's slower than a speeding bullet, and able to hit tall buildings at a single bound?"

"Radio Announcer: "WZAZ in Chicago where disco lives forever" (The Airplane then took out the antenna forcing the station to go off the air)."

"Young Girl Passenger: [when offered cream for her coffee] No thank you, I take it black…like my men."

"It was a rough place - the seediest dive on the wharf. Populated with every reject and cutthroat from Bombay to Calcutta. It's worse than Detroit."

"Jack Kilpatrick: Shana, they bought their tickets. They knew what they were getting into. I say, let 'em crash!"

"All right, Striker, you listen, and listen close. Flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle; it's just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes."

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!"

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines."

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking."