Actresses From Illinois

"I don't show up all the time. I only show up when I can and when I want to, but I was there at the Golden Globes and it's almost like there was an arc that started there. It doesn't end here. But I think publicly — as a commercial (because that's what we are, this is not a — this is not — this is not a novel — this is a TV show after all) — but I think that the message that we're getting to send to the public is that we're going to be one of the small industries that try to make a difference."

"I just found out about this last week. There is — has always been available to all — everybody … that does a negotiation on a film, an "inclusion rider" which means that you can ask for and/or demand at least 50 percent diversity in not only the casting, but also the crew. And so, the fact that we — that I just learned that after 35 years of being in the film business … we're not going back. So the whole idea of women "trending" — no. No "trending". African Americans "trending" — no. No "trending". It changes now, and I think the inclusion rider will have something to do with that."

"We are a bunch of hooligans and anarchists but we do clean up nice. I want to thank every single person in this building. And my sister Dorothy. I love you, Dot. And I especially want to thank my clan, Joel and Pedro "McCoen." These two stalwart individuals were well-raised by their feminist mother. They value themselves, each other and those around them. I know you are proud of me and that fills me with everlasting joy. And now I want to get some perspective. If I may be so honored to have all the female nominees in every category stand with me in this room tonight, the actors — Meryl, if you do it, everybody else will, c'mon — the filmmakers, the producers, the directors, the writers, the cinematographer, the composers, the songwriters, the designers. C'mon! Okay, look around everybody. Look around, ladies and gentlemen, because we all have stories to tell and projects we need financed. Don't talk to us about it at the parties tonight. Invite us into your office in a couple days, or you can come to ours, whatever suits you best, and we'll tell you all about them. I have two words to leave with you tonight, ladies and gentlemen: "inclusion rider.""

"It is impossible to maintain one's composure in this situation. What am I doing here? — especially considering the extraordinary group of women with whom I was nominated. We five women were fortunate to have the choice, not just the opportunity but the choice, to play such rich, complex female characters. And I congratulate producers like Working Title and Polygram for allowing directors to make autonomous casting decisions based on qualifications and not just market value. And I encourage writers and directors to keep these really interesting female roles coming — and while you're at it you can throw in a few for the men as well."

"I am really committed to my faith journey and I am committed to my family. My husband and I have been married for almost 30 years and we homeschool our kids. We have a different working-out-of the-box family, but we do make it work, obviously with God’s grace and we are very grateful for that.” Are there any drawbacks from not living in New York or L. A.? “Sometimes it can be a little bit lonely because we are the only family that we know that is in the entertainment industry, homeschools and is faith-based [while trying] to maintain some sort of ‘regular life’ so to speak in the midst of the crazy stuff. It is a little bit different I think. Sometimes we feel like we are the Lone Rangers, but this is where God has us and this is his calling for right now, for this season. We do it with joy and with integrity"

"Well, for me, I was able to make that statement of faith early on when my career began, so there weren’t really a lot of surprises. People around me knew where my husband Ray and I stood as far as my faith went. When you establish that early on in your career it makes it so much easier than trying to re-invent it or having to restate your faith each new opportunity that comes ahead."

"The thing that I enjoy about animation is the fact that it is unbridled and there are no boundaries; when are in the room you don’t have to focus on your clothing, make-up, hair, your choreography or your blocking, you really do have total freedom. It is that total freedom that I really enjoy as there is no judgement and there are no critics there watching to see what you are going to do. It is just a free-for-all, and I really enjoy that process. When you are working with incredible directors then the responsibility lies on them to do the product and get the story told; it takes a lot of pressure of me, and I just get to go in and have a play session."

"Straight guys, this is your section, wake up (clap clap)."

"Can you believe this shit? Hell has frozen over. Now, a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is- suck it, Jesus! This award is my god now!"

"4th booster f**kers. Oh, and CVS gave us EIGHT free Covid tests for getting boosted!"

"You know what's great about my mom? She compulsively swears and doesn't know it. Like...I mean, she doesn't have Tourettes. I could never get that lucky. Can you imagine how it would be to have parents with Tourettes? I would be in heaven...but anyway. That is one funny fucking disease."

"Have you guys noticed that Madonna is British now? OK, let's talk about her lineage for a minute. Raised in Michigan, moved to New York, is British. She started turning British like at the Golden Globes and she was doing the interviews and she says "telly" instead of "television" and she uses the word "actually" way too much and then she's also sorta bringing her voice down to a register around here (brings her voice down) and she's being interviewed for the Golden Globes and she's got whole, you know, crazy hair that everybody hated and everybody has and they were saying, "Well, Madonna, we're so glad to have you at the Golden Globes." (speaks in Madonna British accent) "Well, actually, it is more fun to come here than watch it on the telly". You know. Look, I'm from the midwest- its a TV."

"There's something about Shania Twain I just don't trust. I don't know, I can't put my finger...she's just too thin. I like my country singers to have the big hair and the big ass."

"(describing Celine Dion's family of 14 siblings) You know there is just issues and boundries and secrets. The name of my book."

"She (Mariah Carey) could not fuck more black rappers. Oh, yeah. If your name is "Puff" or "Daddy," she'll fuck you."

"She (Monica Lewinsky) is the kinda girl who'll blow a guy and call you and tell you all about it."

"I don't know about you, but I fucked a midget. I have secrets."

"So, Hanson, which one of you boys is coming home with me tonight? (greeting the band Hanson)"

"Don't you love the new crazy Britney, she's our new Liza."

"Huh, guess ah shouldn't huh did it. (imitating Britney's 55-hour husband Jason Allen Alexander) Come on, Mr. Britney. Grammar, grammar."

"I had a run in with Whitney Houston, or as I call her, "Cracky." Allegedly."

"I actually share one thing with Whitney Houston, which is, I also have sweating issues."

"Apparently, Courtney Love was at Whitney's "intervention". And when Courtney Love is telling you, you're hittin the pipe too hard, well, things are bad! They're really bad!"

"(Recalling her conversation with Anna Nicole Smith eating lunch) All of a sudden, she takes a bite of something and she goes like this (makes a disgusted face) "I don't lahk it." I go, "What's the matter, honey?" and she goes "I don't lahk it. I thought it was mashed pataters." PA-TAY-TERS! I heard it with my own ears. PATATERS. Britney probably wants to marry her now. So, anyway, I looked on her plate and said, "No, it's polenta" and, I swear to God, she looks at me and goes "Pimento?" I said, "No, that's an olive. "Polenta"- it's like mushed-up cornmeal." She goes, "I don't lahk it. I thought..." Mashed pateters, I got it."

"(Recalling her speech at an AMFAR event that was intended to be a parody of Sharon Stone's earlier speech, reciting the lyrics to John Lennon's "Imagine".) Ladies and gentlemen, I am so honored to be here and Sharon spoke so eloquently before that it reminded me of something I once read a long time ago. You ain't nothin but a hound dog. Oh, gosh, that reminds me, many years ago I was walking down the street in Memphis and I said, "Whoa- that's Elvis"...and I fucked him. I fucked him hard. I did, I did. Sure, he called me 'Cilla the whole time, but I didn't mind. (sobbing) Cryin' all the time, well, you ain't never caught a rabbit and you ain't no friend of mine."

"I saw Courtney Love have one of her heroin fits....and break a guitar. So I pulled up a chair. What? You gotta be ring-side!"

"When Sharon Stone asks you to do something, you just just do it. If Sharon Stone asked me to eat her poo, I'd be like "yeah, what's a good time for you?".(Pretending to eat poo) "This is really good poo Sharon, thanks".(To the audience) Stop picturing it...........and come back!"

"Uma Thurman is there.......with her big bag of BS!"

"Let's just say I'm gonna be so politically incorrect, you might even get sued for being in the audience."

"I am going after everybody. I'm going after Paltrow. Fuck her. Fuck her!"

"I saw Larry King and he was interviewing Pam Anderson. And it was really fun because Pam Anderson...remember when Pam Anderson did her hepatitis tour? Remember when she got hepatitis and then she did a press tour about it, because she is very conscious of woman's issues, and she went on Larry King and she's talking about it. Oh, and by the way, she said she got it from Tommy Lee, which, of course, she did. And Tommy Lee said she got it from a door knob. And...I'm sure that's at least what she got from Tommy Lee. I saw Tommy Lee at an award show two weeks before, I got crabs just from looking at him. So, anyway, she's talking a minute and then she had had her boobs reduced, you know, she keeps getting reduced and bigger and stuff. And then, Larry has the balls to say to her (imitating Larry King), "Aren't you afraid of that plastic surgery?" and, in the meantime, his ears meeting at the back of his neck."

"Alright, Macy Gray.....what exactly is wrong with her? She, for sure has a little mental retardation. Allegedly!"

"And yet she has the fucked-up baby voice! And is there anything more charming than a grown woman with a baby voice? Mmmm, yummy! I'm hard thinking about it."

"And she's like "Angie Harmon is here"!! So I was like, well let me...well fuck me then and I ran as fast as I could!"

"Isn't Scientology one of those things where you really like someone and once you hear they're a Scientologist, you're like "I'm out"?"

"Donna (Karan), you have huge jugs, you could totally be a manager at Hooters!"

"Nothing gets me more nervous than white people who talk black.......I mean, it's fun on "Ricki Lake", but in real life......"

"She calls me up and says "Guess what - we're going to the Persian Gulf for Christmas". Immediately I put my hands over my clitoris. I don't want to insult the Muslim culture. It's such a wonderful culture for women - unless you have a clitoris and you're 13 cause they're hacking that shit off!"

"I love my clit. I use it every day. Not a day goes by when I don't use it for something."

"When you perform for the Army, they want dick jokes and they want em now!"

"There were two cheerleaders, and their job was to basically go out in skimpy outfits and say hi to the guys........and some of the ladies, if you know what I'm saying."

"So then, she looks at Brooke (Shields)'s Dad with his newer wife, and she's like "So, now you're with my ex-husband. Well, congratulations, you can have him"! It was fucking on!!"

"When I go to a wedding, I live for the wedding cake. It's all I care about. So Brooke at one point calls me and says "C'mon, we're gonna get started", so I go and sit in the very front row, as close to the wedding cake as possible, cause I literally want that second piece. So anyway, I sit down and I'm right in the front row with Brooke. And it turns out she meant come sit here cause Tuck and Patti are starting, like, their full concert!! And I thought, oh shit! And I'm looking at the wedding cake, salivating like a dog!"

"She reaches under and grabs my peech and like, squeezes it and walks away. I run over to Brooke and go "Your mother just molested me. I could sue you and own this house"!"

"I said "boy, I'd love to get a tour of this house cause it's so beautiful". So she hooks my arm, and she walks by. And then the grooms mother, trying to help me out says "Can I help you ladies with anything?" And then Brooke's Mom; and this is why I love her, without missing a beat, says to the groom's mother - "Shut up, you fucking cunt"!! It was a fucking dream come true!"

"And then she (Brooke Sheilds) says the ill-fated words "You have to put this in your act". And I said "What, I would never"! Because it's a private time!!"

"They would give us these helicopter rides, and every time we'd get on, the drivers would say "now do you want to ride, or do you want to rrrride? On the helicopter! I'd be like "I want the ride... the first one... the boring one... the ride. I don't want the "rrrride"... I want the ride!"

"The wrestler was up there with his wife, and I actually heard her say "Can this thing do a loopty loop?""

"(On signing autographs for troops) I'd be writing To Private so and so, love Kathy Griffin and then I'd go "here, think about this when you beat off"."

"So anyway, the show starts, and it's the Army band, and it's all those American "ra ra" songs, you know that whole "I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free." And they eat that shit up!"