"Orson Welles: Rosebud ... Yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness... wait, that's terrible, I quit! Just a handful for the road. (Scoops up a handful of peas and starts popping them in his mouth. Is now off-screen) Oh, what luck! There's a french fry stuck in my beard! (Makes eating sounds) Oh yeah."

"Al Pacino: (On the phone) Hoo-ha! Jay, it's Al Pacino. Hoo-ha! I can't stop saying Hoo-ha! Keep that in mind when you review my next film, The Godfather Part Hoo-ha! Hoo-ha."

"Gerrit Graham — Franklin Sherman"

"Adolph Hitmaker: If you want the world to love you, you must be big and jolly like Santa Claus, or Rush Limbaugh."

"Cuban TV Announcer: We'll be back after this word from toilet paper, now in "rough" and "not-so-rough.""

"Chicken Shack employee: You want a piece of me, fat boy? I'll spork your ass!"

"Priest: I said questions, not wishes! I'm a priest not a genie!"

"Tobacco Company Executive: But Mr. Sherman, think of the children. If they don't have cigarettes, what'll they do after they have sex?"

"Jay's "inner child": (On the phone) Jay, this is your inner child. I escaped and I just robbed a liquor store. Gotta go!"

"Dressmaker: Oopsie, I swallowed a pin. That's gonna be a fun little journey."

"(Singing) Ho Ho Ho, stick out your toe! Hee Hee Hee, stick out your knee!"

"I am sorry, Martin. You are not fit. From now on, you must go to remedial gym. (Opens door and moaning noises are heard) Oh wait, that’s remedial choir."

"Please kids, my philosophy is "love and dance," not "hate and not dance.""

"(After Bill Clinton falls through a floor) I’m sure we all appreciate President Clinton’s ground-breaking message!"

"No pressure Marty, but the Pope and Nelson Mandela are in the audience, and they came to party!"

"Attention students: Auditions for Peter Pan are being (Helium voice) held in the auditorium! (Normal voice) Stupid helium!"

"Today, Humphrey's gonna teach you all what happens when you get a lung removed: You get ice cream!"

"From A Little Deb Will Do Ya"

"The judge said every time you talk to me, it costs you a hundred dollars."

"I don’t know why I ever married you. (zoom out to reveal they're at their own wedding)"

"You’re just as bad a father as you were a lover."

"(Praying at her bed) God bless Daddy, and Uncle Bisquick, and please give Momma the butt-lift Aunt Randa says she needs so desperately."

"(To Jay in a maternity dress) Are you gonna have puppies?"

"Oh! It time for Humphrey the Hippo!"

"We raised a great kid."

"Listen, honey, I've known men like Duke all my life. There was this one boy back in college – dealt drugs, went to jail – yet today he's the star of Home Improvement."

"I think you should know a little about my sister before she gets here. Let's just say she's like Satan with a boob job."

"Oh Jay, you're the sweetest man who ever called me a super freak."

"(On the phone) Jay, this is your ex-wife. Your alimony check is eighteen minutes late. Nope, nineteen minutes. That's it, I'm calling my lawyer!"

"(Jay introduces Alice to Duke Phillips) It's nice to meet you, sir. I'll never forget the speech you gave at my high school graduation: "I just drank two bottles of tequila. My wife doesn't know I'm here. Any of you girls over 18?""

"Bribed Movie Critic: This movie is so good, it makes Hud look like C.H.U.D., and I loved C.H.U.D."

"Honey, we have a saying back in Tennessee: "Be a mensch, not a schmendrick.""

"Sorry. I hate not being friendly, but this is New York."

"Funny man!"

"(Watching the musical "Hunch") I shaved for this?"

"(Takes a deep breath) Mmmm ... smoke. (Walks in a room on fire) It looks like Hell, but it smells like Heaven."

"(On the phone) Jay, it’s Doris. I’m at the morgue. Could you come down and tell them I’m not dead? They don’t believe me."

"What is this? Annoy The Billionaire Day?!"

"(Describing himself on a talk show) I'm a self made billionaire. The only person who can bribe me is a Bazillionaire."

"Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! ... VOTE FOR DUKE!"

"Kiss my surprisingly firm butt."

"(A statue of Duke chanting) All hail Duke! Duke is life!"

"Make him SQUEAL!"

"(Picks up his cell phone) Get Webster on the phone. (On the phone with Noah Webster) Noah, how are you doin'? It's Duke. How much would it cost to make "Quyzbuk" a word? I don't know what it means, uh, how about "a big problem?" Great! How about that other word I invented, "Dukelicious?" No one's using it? What a Duketastrophe."

"(after Jay tells Jeremy that he's going to marry Valerie Fox): Bubbe, never marry an actress. And never do blackface at the NAACP Image awards. Two things I've learned from experience."

"I can do anything I want. If I want Citizen Kanes last word to be "schwing," then that's what it's gonna be! I'm a god I tell you! A go-- (Clutches his chest in pain, falls to the floor and believes he is dying) Rosebud ... I mean "schwing!""

"I was in a student film once. Well, it wasn't a student film actually, although it had several women dressed as cheerleaders. I played Professor Spankum."

"That's it! I'll run for president! Drop a whole mess a' bombs and put Merle Haggard on the Supreme Court!"

"(About his new movie) Do you know how much it costs to get Saddam Hussein to play himself?"