"You're a sad and pathetic man. You're a homosexual and you don't want to be, but there's nothing you can do to change it. Not all the prayers to your god, not all the analysis you can buy in all the years you've go left to live. You may one day be able to know a heterosexual life if you want it desperately enough. If you pursue it with the fervor with which you annihilate. But you'll always be homosexual as well. Always Michael. Always. Until the day you die."

"You must never call anyone called Michael, Mickey. Those of us who are named Michael get very nervous about it."

"I feel like Old Man River. I'm tired of living and I'm scared of dying."

"If? That word can be found on dry river beds and trails overgrown by weeds. What's more important are the paths we follow now..."

"We know there's going to be other partings among us. A marriage. Long voyages. Even death again. But when someone is remembered with love, their spirit never really dies."

"Mr. Brewster: When the day of quality ends in this country, we'll all be in great trouble indeed."

"Michael Wincott — Choir Leader"

"David Wayne — Merrivale"

"R.H. Thomson — Thatcher"

"Susan Hogan — Helen Brewster"

"Cec Linder — Auctioneer"

"Dorian Harewood — Matt Reeves"

"Henry Winkler — Benedict Slade"

"Charles Dicken's Victorian London becomes America's great Depression in this exciting new film"

"Henry Winkler is Scrooge"

"Jennifer Kulik as Nurse and Victim. (credited as Jeni Kulik)"

"Laurie Brooks Jefferson as Nurse."

"Herb Pierce as Park Ranger. (uncredited)"

"Robert Berk as the Motel Owner."

"Pat Delaney as Ms. Jax."

"Arthur Space as the Tramp."

"Marianne McAndrew as Cathy Beck."

"Michael Pataki as Sgt. Ward."

"Paul Carr as Dr. Kipling."

"George Paulsin as Boy in Pickup."

"Bonnie Van Dyke as Girl in Pickup."

"Stewart Moss as Dr. John Beck."

"Peter Sellers - Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau"

"Dyan Cannon - Simone Legree"

"Herbert Lom - Chief Inspector Charles Dreyfus"

"Special delivery: a beumb. Were you expecting one? A BEUMB!? AAAAAHAHOWWWWWW!!!"

"I am not your ordinary, run-of-the-mill transvestite!"

"Ohhhh...Sixteen chests on a dead man's rum/Yo-ho-ho in the bottle of the chest/Drink to the devils and done for the rums/Hoooooooooooooooo!"

"Robert Webber - Philippe Douvier"

"The Great Inspector Clouseau will not be bothering us anymore."

"John Bluthal - Guard at Cemetery"

"Rita Webb - Woman at Window"