"It first was a rumour dismissed as a lie but then came the evidence none could deny: a double page spread in the Sund…"

"Hitching up the M11 coming back from a Dexys gig got picked up 'bout half eleven by this bloke in a funny wig"

"He wanted me to beat him up! It was an open invitation! Late at night he picked me up — an act of open provocat…"

"A five pence fine is right and proper — and to sum up my defence it was his fault he came a cropper: CONTRIBUTO…"

"I don't want a fortnight on the Costa del Sol Don't wanna go to Bognor — it's a plague-ridden hole and it don't…"

"No agony, no ecstacy, no pleasure and no pain — so exquisitely uninteresting you drive your wife insane The TV …"

"My wardrobe is like a garden oh, I don't know how I've got the gall! my wardrobe is just like a wardrobe — it's…"

"I am one of a team of Iraqi weapons inspectors currently travelling through the United Kingdom under very difficult c…"

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was Gotcha!"

"And the Lord Rupert looked at his work, and even he saw that it was a load of crap, but this was the enterprise cultu…"